I've decided to try a few other half-assed ventures for at least the next several months. Don't worry... I have this dumb domain name for a couple of years, the online equivalent of the administration at (0-3 0-4 0-5) Notre Dame being stuck with Charlie Weis until the year 2029. But at least I could score against Michigan.

"Shut up, you FUCK!"

Your Eyes Are Liars by Sound Team: See 'em while you can, and I mean today, because this is the hard luck Austin band's last show. 12:30 - 1:30, AMD stage.

Listen to the Angels Sing by The Soul Stirrers: The band that Sam Cooke started with, believe it or not. Some of them are still around, I gather, and not to be missed. 2:00 - 2:45, Washington Mutual.

Copperhead Road by Steve Earle: Catch the legend while you can. Country music's last legitimately angry man! 3:30 - 4:30, Dell stage.

Zydeco Gris Gris by Beau Soleil: A little taste of the New Orleans Jazz Fest, right in the People's Republic of Austin. 5:45 - 6:45, Washington Mutual.

If I Left You by Kelly Willis: In general, I'm not a fan of newer country music, but in Ms. Willis' case, I make a large exception. Always a good show, 6:30 - 7:15, Austin Ventures.

And, of course, there's The Indigo Girls, Andrew Bird, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Arctic Monkeys, Cross Canadian Ragweed, Arcade Fire, and, closing the whole thing down, Muse (in place of The White Stripes).

The Way We Get By (live) by Spoon: Thursday Night at La Zona Rosa and 6:30 - 7:30 at the AT&T Main Stage.

Mad World by Sara Hickman: A local talent for lo these twenty years. 11:30 am - 12 noon at Austin Kiddie Limits.

Stuperbowl Sunday by Kevin McKinney: Formerly of SoulHat and one of the more successful graduates of my alma mater from the early 90s. 12:50 - 1:30, Austin Ventures.

All This Time by The Heartless Bastards: Straight outta Cincinnati, on Fat Possum Records, a label which had many old school Mississippi bluesmen. 1:30 - 2:30, AT&T Blue Room.

(song unknown) by Big Sam's Funky Nation: I've never heard of these New Orleanians before, but the band name alone made me do a video search. 4:30 - 5:15, Washington Mutual stage.

All My Friends by LCD Soundsystem: The spirit of Tron is not dead! 5:30 - 6:30, AT&T Blue Room.

When They Ring Them Golden Bells by the Mighty Clouds of Joy: Legendary gospel group, don't miss 'em if you're there! 7:15 - 8:15 at the Washington Mutual stage.

Psychobilly Freakout by The Reverend Horton Heat: An old clip from their Sub Pop days, when they still had the venerable Taz on drums. Still going strong, fifteen years after their debut record.

In addition, you have Blonde Redhead, Peter, Bjorn and John, M.I.A., Crowded House, Joss Stone, Queens of the Stone Age, The Killers, and Bjork closing it out. Stay tuned for Saturday and Sunday previews (and not much else, as I start assuming hostly duties tomorrow)! BTW, if you're still kicking it in Houston or points east along I-10, you might want to leave before Tropical Storm Humberto rains itself out over you. Stay in one of the many fine motor courts in Bastrop, La Grange, Brenham, or even Columbus!

UPDATE As Mr. Baker reminds us in the comments, the White Stripes have canceled due to Meg White's health... both the ACL show and the after show. Their replacements: Muse (ACL on Saturday) and Ghostland Observatory (Stubb's show on Sunday). In addition, Amy Winehouse (may not survive till next birthday) and Rodrigo y Gabriela (conflict with Brasilian Women's World Cup match) are out. No refunds, Trustafarians!

All over the time and place! At least they're all relatively new releases, so these capsule review may be of some limited use.

1. I Shot Jesse James (Eclipse Series 5 [part of a boxed set], d. Samuel Fuller, 1949): With the re-make of 3:10 to Yuma topping the box office and the forthcoming release of (deep breath) The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, it seemed right to view what an early attempt at a psychological western, relying more on character development than action (Jesse James doesn't make it past the 20-minute mark). After serving with the Big Red One in Europe for several years and writing several pulpy novels, this was Samuel Fuller's first movie in a long, trailblazing independent career. It's a little B-movie in places, but you can't take your eyes off the dynamic performances of the two leads: the tortured assassin, Robert Ford (John Ireland), and the luminous Barbara Britton as Cynthy Waters, the performer for whom he puts himself through hell. It lags in spots and definitely is constrained by the lack of budget (compare the photography and location shoots of Red River, released just the year before), but is a cut above normal Western fare. I'll try to get hold of the other films in the boxed set: a Western starring Vincent Price (The Baron of Arizona) and a highly influential war film about Korea, filmed while the Korean War was taking place (The Steel Helmet).

2. Stranger Than Paradise (Criterion #400, d. Jim Jarmusch, 1984): I had forgotten how boring this was, but it's good to see the early works of Mr. Jarmusch get the deluxe treatment. Regardless of the too-naturalistic acting and non-existent script in this film, it's still interesting to see a certain masterful visual style that would be drawn upon for his more fully-formed pieces, like Mystery Train (the concept of foreigners dealing with America) and Dead Man (the panarmoic, black and white cinematography). All three of the main actors (musician John Lurie, noted character actor Richard Edson, and Hungarian emigre Eszter Balint) have their unique charms, but it's not enough to really sustain the story, which admittedly picks up a little once the road trip element is introduced. What's remarkable for the 2-disc collection (Criterion is now selling their own discs at slight discounts) are the amount of extras: an entire other movie by Jarmusch (1980's Permanent Vacation) and several television programs and documentaries.

3. The Wind That Shakes The Barley (d. Ken Loach, 2006): Ken Loach has had an on-again, off-again forty-year career in filming, beginning in 1967 with the mod comedy Poor Cow and continuing through a mish-mash of independent movies and television shows. However, this film about the early struggles of the IRA in 1920 is remarkable and chilling. Cillian Murphy, who is poised for superstardom given the variety of roles he's tackled, plays a young doctor in County Cork who's forced into service in the IRA after witnessing unchecked brutality by British soldiers under the Defence of the Realm Act (the post-WWI version of the Patriot Act, on steroids). It doesn't have the pseudo-documentary feel of Bloody Sunday, but it's very spare and brisk in propelling the action and the characters forward. In the commentary, it's revealed that 90% of the actors are from County Cork, lending each minor character his or her own authenticity. Of special note is Orla Fitzgerald, who plays Sinead, a young woman simultaneously trapped by the endless cycle of violence and yet who takes an important role in the formation of a provisional government. The twists near the end are heartbreaking, though, as a treaty is signed establishing the Irish Free State turns the oppressed into oppressors. A collection of reviews is here. I believe it won the Palme d'Or at the 2006 Cannes film festival, yet had next to zero distribution in the States. Time to rectify that mistake with a well-timed DVD rental or purchase!

And now, some upcoming Criterion releases through November (in chronological and numerical order): ahead-of-its-time sci-fi flick Robinson Crusoe on Mars, G.W. Pabst's cinematic re-telling of The Threepenny Opera, a double-disc documentary on the dancing art of Martha Graham, early Gus van Sant film Mala Noche, a double-disc re-release of seminal New Wave film Breathless, Terence Malick's second film, Days of Heaven, and, if you're suffering from Fassbinder Deficiency Syndrome, the 15-hour Berlin Alexanderplatz, one of his last films.

1. But.. but.. what if there's a power surge and all my game progress is lost?

2. I was beginning to think that the Video Music Awards had lost their luster, but then the lead from the Apollo Theater's production of Strawberry Shortcake: The Musical and the ringmaster from a prison circus showed up.

3. Gentlemen! We are witnessing the end of technology!

4. "Have you tried announcing that you're reporting for duty?" "Nah, that's not really my bag." "Well, I'm fresh out of ideas."

5. What's it all about, Alfies?

6. "Join the Mobile Infantry and save the Galaxy. Service guarantees citizenship. Would you like to know more?"

7. Apparently the blood from a young woman's finger has thoroughly revitalized Grandpa from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

8. The leader of the East Side Bloods revealed! It's always the fella you least suspect.

9. "Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are Chinese children's toys, the fire will spread quickly... so please, stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes."

I don't even have a favorite. They're all miserable.

Or was I thinking about Huey Lewis? Wait a minute, wrong video... the last link contains the award-winning acting of the future Mrs. Pierce Brosnan! Perhaps Johnny Cougar, before he became a complete cheesedick sellout (I heard another lyrical version of This Is Our Country, Wetback! and it gave me explosive diarrhea). I fight the urge to punch the television during jingoistic Chevy commercials, and the urge to punch the television during jingoistic Chevy commercials always wins.

Sorry I'm a bit disorganized here, but I think that Roxanne may have had a standing request for some vintage Butt Rock that is completely, thematically unrelated to the point I was originally trying to make in this post. But which of Europe's twin masterpieces was she clamoring: Carrie or Cherokee? No time to check the comments on the previous post; I'll just post them both:

"Today I settled all family business... so don't tell me you're innocent, Carlo." Feel free to dick around in the comments rather than have your day commemorated for you. It's open swim!

UPDATE: If it's politics you must discuss, then how about deciding on a sixth birthday present for America 2.0? A new bike from Montgomery Ward? Velcro baseball gloves? An Atari 2600? No? How about some unfiltered, Soviet-style propaganda? Every juvenile ex-constitutional republic loves that!

UPDATE II: More things to detract from the invective that's no doubt being hurled on sites people actually read and care about...

Here's a way for you to test whether that shifty-looking person in your office is a cyborg: tell them to watch the above two videos, then retreat to a safe distance of 1000 yards. If, afterwards, their eyes and ears are not bleeding, they are in fact a mechano-person. P.S. The second video, as a part of my masterplan, has disabled the worldwide gaydar satellite array. Let ambiguity reign!

1. The testimony* of our military betters before a useless Congress, carefully rehearsed and given several dry runs on right-wing talk shows. It's a kind of ceremonial remnant of a time when there was more than one functioning branch of government. Well, that's a little harsh... the executive only seems to make all of the decisions concerning the deployment of a half-a-trillion dollar military machine, while Congress often deploys its members to deliver stern warnings. SIX MORE MONTHS! SIX MORE MONTHS! (a better summary is here)

2. The acronym for the USA PATRIOT Act: Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act. It may be a misnomer, grossly unconstitutional and led to the creation of massive, pork barrel homeland security spending... but if you don't like it or possibly read it when it magically appeared in its 3,500 page form, as if delivered by an authoritarian stork, then mister you've got a problem with America.

3. The confusion it causes with baked bean-eating liberals from the Altered State of Drugachussetts: "This day of observance should not be (but often is) confused with Patriots' Day, a holiday celebrated primarily in northern New England, Massachusetts, and the Adirondack region of New York. It commemorates the Battle of Lexington and Concord during the American Revolutionary War." What did those wooden denture-wearing musket-fondlers ever do for us compared with the titans of the present Administration? They totally focused on the insignificant British Menace when there were millions of A-rabs to bayonet!

4. Mosi Tatupu, Marv Cook, IvyJoe Hunter, and the rest of the slow-ass motherfuckers that made the 1990 New England Patriots the most difficult team to play with on Tecmo Super Bowl. I mean, it was like John Stephens was stuck in molasses, for shit's sake! Fred Smerlas couldn't tackle a three-year-old!

5. The Patriot Missile, oft-maligned for its overstated performance during the first installment of the Iraq War, but which had the multiple threats of a high explosive detonation, or, failing that, playing Lee Greenwood songs at bladder-loosening decibel levels as it sailed past its intended target.

Add your own in the comments! My favorite holidays are always the one where nobody actually gets off work and where the occasion is depressing and completely tainted by the political manipulation exercised in the interval since the traumatic event happened. I recommend a complete news (especially the local variety) blackout and trying to locate or rent one of the seasons Crime Story on DVD.

.* strangely enough, none of the several million Iraqi refugees or current residents of Iraq will be made available to testify. It seems that the ungrateful savages are no longer enamored of our presence, even when we're breaking our armed forces, budget, and long-term international reputation in order to bring them low-quality security services. Hmmmph. Thank God we still have these two ancient, useless motherfuckers to shill for us.

Or you could just read this interview with David Cronenberg and Viggo Mortensen, director and star of the upcoming Eastern Promises. Or watch this trailer for Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man (May 2008).

Ever wonder why church and state go together like orange juice and toothpaste. A re-mixed 2007 Proclamation for the National Days of Prayer and Remembrance might provide a clue:

"During this year's National Days of Prayer and Remembrance, we honor the thousands of victims who died in the brutal and ruthless attacks in New York City, Pennsylvania, and at the Pentagon on September 11, 2001. Our Nation remembers with gratitude the firefighters, police officers, first responders, and ordinary citizens who acted with courage and compassion to save the lives of others, and we pray for the families whose loved ones were taken from them. Yes, still.

Never forgetting that terrible day, we remain determined to bring let our enemies to evade justice so long as they remain in Pakistan, defy mirror the terrorists' ideology of hate, and work to make our world safer a more profitable place for multinational corporations. We honor use the members of our Armed Forces who died while taking the fight to our adversaries unrelated parties as a shield from criticism, and we are grateful for continuing to pile on extended tours of duty and shorten the off-time for those who continue to protect our Nation and our Hunt Oil and Petroleum's way of life. Their courage, sacrifice, and dedication help preserve our freedom electoral chances. We pray for their safety, for all those who love them, and for the peace perpetual occupation we all seek.

We remain a hopeful deeply pessimistic and jaded America, inspired by completely indifferent the kindness and compassion of our citizens and our commitment tired, by-the-numbers campaign speeches purporting to advocate freedom and opportunity. During these days of prayer and remembrance, we reflect on all the Constitutional guarantees we have lost and take comfort in each other (because the government will do fuck-all to help them) and in the grace non-existence and mercy seeming indifference of our Creator, if you want to assume that he exists for whatever reason. May God guide us, give us strength and wisdom for once, and may He continue to bless our great country, although I don't know how much more in the way of blessing we can take.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States five conservative justices and an electorate that's dumber than a bag of hammers, do hereby proclaim Friday, September 7, through Sunday, September 9, 2007, as National Days of Prayer and Remembrance. I ask that the people of the United States and their places of worship mark these National Days of Prayer and Remembrance with memorial services thinly veiled paeans to the power structure, the ringing of bells 350-year-old hymns with impenetrable lyrics, and evening candlelight remembrance vigils, so long as it's not for the poor, dispossessed, or incarcerated. I also invite the people of the world to share in these Days of Prayer and Remembrance turn from their phony-baloney Gods and get with Jesus Christ, the A-Number-One Supergod.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this fourth day of September, in the year of our Lord two thousand seven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-second twenty-sixth."

My favorite re-mix is still from 2005 (re-printed in its entirety below the fold), as the meaningless incantations to an imaginary Creator and his mythic goodness stood in direct and stark contrast to the gargantuan Katrina fuck-up.

As we observe a National Day of Prayer and Remembrance for the Victims of Hurricane Katrina, we pledge our support for those who have been injured and for the communities that are struggling to rebuild. We offer thanks to God (because that's what he apparently wants after his little psychotic destructo-binge) for the goodness and generosity of so many Americans who have come together to provide relief and bring hope to fellow citizens who have been previously harmed by his alcohol-fueled wrath. Our Nation is united in fear of this omnipotent being who seems to conjure up gruesome, meaningless ways for people to die. We will strive together to integrate this terrible knowledge of random, medieval mass murder with some sort of delusional fairy tale about divine plans and eternal bliss... and we will prevail until the next senseless disaster hits.

Americans are reaching out to those who suffer by opening their hearts, homes, and communities. Their actions demonstrate the greatest compassion one person may show to another: to love your neighbor as yourself, huddled together in this unjust, terrestrial foxhole while the Almighty lobs mortars at us in the form of disease, natural disasters, and genocide. Across our Nation, so many selfless deeds reflect the promise of the Scripture: "For I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was minding my own business and you killed off my family and pets with a tropical fury that covered my house with a toxic sludge." I encourage all Americans to respond with acts of kindness in the days ahead. By contributing time, money, or needed goods to a relief organization, you can make a real difference in their lives. And by praying for the survivors and those in recovery efforts, we can produce no appreciable results whatsoever, as shown by double-blind studies, while fostering an insipid, child-like, patronizing belief in the omnibenevolence of the Sky Fairy that just fucked everyone up.

Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath resulted in a considerable loss of life. We pray that God will bless the souls of the lost, so long as they conformed to a particular belief system that will not result in their eternal damnation and suffering. Hopefully, the surviving family and friends of the unbelieving departed will not take seriously the insane prospect of eternal damnation, because that's really no comfort at all, is it?

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution As I Understand It and Godly Laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim Friday, September 16, 2005, as a National Day of Prayer and Remembrance for the Victims of Hurricane Katrina. Notice I didn't say "Prayer Or Rememberance." IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this eighth day of September, in the year of our Sadistic Tormentor two thousand five, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirtieth."

Because then I'd miss articles like this: "Bush advisers favor current war strategy." That revelation really knocked me on my ass! I think that this is the equivalent of Mr. Burns telling his financial advisors to "Take 50% of my money and put it in the blue chips: John D. Murray Transatlantic Zeppelin, Amalgamated Spats, Congraves' Inflammable Powders, U.S. Hay, and sink the rest into that up and coming Baltimore Opera Hat Company." The main difference: the President never realizes that they're all a bunch of yes men, and borrows another $100 billion from Chinese banks to further invest in Cherry Phospates 'R Us, Guyanan Slave Plantations, LLC, and Uncle Fritz's Good-Time Monocle Emporium.

On the other hand, it may have come 4.5 years after the initial (and premature) announcement by the President, but I'm happy to say that just shy of the 9/11 anniversary... marking the somber occasion where clones of Saddam Hussein (courtesy of Gregory Peck as Josef Mengele) flew airplanes into the Mall of the Americas and a white children's beauty pageant... the mission is finally accomplished:

Texas' Hunt Oil Co. and Kurdistan's regional government said Saturday they've signed a production-sharing contract for petroleum exploration in northern Iraq, the first such deal since the Kurds passed their own oil and gas law in August. A Hunt subsidiary, Hunt Oil Co. of the Kurdistan Region, will begin geological survey and seismic work by the end of 2007 and hopes to drill an exploration well in 2008, the parties said in a news release. Terms of the deal were not disclosed.

Remember to stuff some of those billions of dollars into Lamar Hunt's coffin so that he may live in richly splendor in the Egyptian afterlife!

UPDATE: Another encouraging update: According to the Iraqi Ministry of Interior, 984 people were killed across Iraq in February, and 1,011 died in violence in August. No July numbers were released because the ministry said the numbers weren't clear. But an official in the ministry who spoke anonymously because he wasn't authorized to release numbers said those numbers were heavily manipulated. The official said 1,980 Iraqis had been killed in July and that violent deaths soared in August, to 2,890. Manipulate numbers? Not us! Not our proxies!

While this website devolves into a steady stream of boring routine and Toto videos, there may be other inspired and unusual blogs and internet addresses out there that you want to call other people's attention to. Who knows... maybe, by a cosmic coincidence, you happen to operate said inspired and unusual site. Stranger things have happened. The blogroll is started to be terraformed over time to eliminate link farms (I should try finding my own news for once) and places I was reading for no other reason than they were popular. Plus, the news, conventionally defined, is so limiting... I'm looking for the personal blogs of people in fields outside of politics (John Kricfalusi, for example), technology and astronomy, baseball, music and film, and yes... even needlepoint. Well, not the last one.

Don't be shy! Now, on an two unrelated notes, some cartoon violence courtesy of Jim Reardon (one of the original directors for The Simpsons) juxtaposed with ultimate calm in the person of Astrud Gilberto (a cameo in 1964's How To Get a College Girl):

See you in hell! (UPDATE) And on your way there, read this John Sayles interview concerning his new movie, Honeydripper!

1. Where Have All The Average People Gone? by Roger Miller. I really think that he doesn't get enough credit for his inventive songwriting and subtle social critiques, especially when you consider the jingoistic state of idiot country music today. A kindred spirit to Johnny Cash, as you can see in this video.

2. Slow Death by The Flamin' Groovies: Lord only knows which lineup this was (I think the video's from 1972), but as a commenter on another video said, some Groovies is better than no Groovies at all. One of my favorite bands, roots-rock or otherwise.

3. Alright by Supergrass: Couldn't find a video for their Zombies-sounding She's So Loose, so we get their debut instead. No idea why Oasis made it big instead of them... too British?

4. Search and Destroy (cover) by The Dictators: Five billion videos of people farting or performing hamsters, and only one video of this great band... and the sound isn't even close to being synched up. Fantastic.

5. Ain't That Just Like A Woman? by Louis Jordan: A rock star before there were rock stars, shown here in one of those World War II-era proto-videos. His influence can't be understated, from the mixing of blues and pop, to the phrasing (and opening guitar lick) which must have struck a young Chuck Berry.

6. No Milk Today by Herman's Hermits: One of my enduring guilty pleasures, as HH vinyl was some of the more tolerable out of my parents' collection when I was a kid. Plus: this is a live performance! They didn't suck that bad!

7. Bad Scene by Ten Years After: Alvin Lee may not have been a great lyricist or singer, but damned if he wasn't a kickass guitar player. This video is the product of me trying to find something that wasn't from Woodstock or that lasted 12 minutes. P.S. Alvin's still around, to answer some of the commenters to the video.

8. Mista Dobolina by Del tha Funkee Homosapien: A rap video without champagne, rump-shaking, something above a nursery-rhyme level of lyricism, and more than one style sample (Parliament, jazz, gospel) going on at once? Must be the 20th century! Livin' in the past!

9. We're a Happy Family by The Ramones: Aside from being the Happy Furry Puppy Story Time community theme song, this video apparently comes from a live performance in Houston in February 1977. If only my parents were hipper, they could have dragged me there for a belated 4th birthday present. Any Houst-orians have an idea which club this could have possibly been?

10. The Ocean by Led Zeppelin: Looks like outtake footage from the 1973 concert that spawned the Song Remains The Same movie. A lot of songs on the Houses of the Holy album do have that one extra beat that makes them undanceable, don't they? P.S. The four-year-old who won his heart was his daughter Carmen, who's nearly 40 now. Time flies!

You can all join in by commenting on my offerings or spitting out your own random playlists... or not. Maybe I'll get back to the crap-rock video death-march later on. If you'd like a Friday Musical Question to chew on instead, how about: Name a band that you initially despised, then started liking, and are now in the third stage of regretting your re-appraisal (i.e. you're right back where you started in disliking him/her/them). My offering: R.E.M.

And now, on to the tiny rodentia... eight pics (click on the thumbnails for a full Flickr entry) and two lo-quality videos, one of which isn't even oriented correctly:

Talk about your must-miss TV! Well, if there's anything more daunting than re-mixing the speeches of a single, delusional Republican President, it's got to be wading through the craziness of eight delusional Republican candidates. And, as a special bonus, it's moderated by colossal asswipes Brit Hume and Chris Wallace! Naturally, I can't give a unique voice to each of the candidates, as the homogenizing influence of the primaries (must love war, hate immigrants) leads to a certain monotony. Original transcript here for true masochists; on the proceedings for wannabe masochists.
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MR. HUME: Let’s get started. First, a political question about the man who isn’t here and will not even announce his candidacy for president until tomorrow. I’m talking, of course, about Senator Joe Don Baker, also known as MITCHELL! Now, a Thompson ad has just on the Fox News Channel, the most fair and balanced and trusted and kickass name in news. He will be a guest later tonight with Jay Leno. So the question is, who has made the smart moves here -- (laughter) -- you guys, who are here and who have been out on the trail all this time, or Senator Thompson?

BRIT HUME: Holy shit. I guess we better shut this down, or our viewership won't need any of the sexual enhacement drugs that we constantly advertise on Fox News.

Now with two-thirds more outsourcing!

1. Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story (d. Michael Winterbottom, 2006): Appropriate review by our friend Roger Ebert here. Some witty commentary from Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon which continues the tone of the movie (one-third straightforward adaptation, one-third Christopher Guest-style mockumentary, one-third surrealism). It will take about two viewings to get all the references and separate fact from fantasy; you hardly notice that it's Jeremy Northam playing the director until he's had a few scenes. Winterbottom might have a few false starts in his career, but overall he's been one of the more interesting and prolific directors in the past 15 years.

2. Performance (d. Nicholas Roeg and Donald Cammell, 1970): The review summing up my relative disappointment with this film is here; I had probably seen about half of the film before, thanks to a documentary on artiste Donald Cammell, who conceived of the daring project. James Fox is terrific, Mick Jagger is a giant bore, and leading lady Anita Pallenberg could have done something if not forced to strip every three minutes. Not much in the way of extras, apart from a 45-minute making-of documentary that wildly overpraises and overstates its importance.

3. Ace in the Hole (Criterion #396, d. Billy Wilder, 1951): Review here. Not Wilder's best work (although prescient given the state of cable and local news today), mainly because I'm not all that fond of Kirk Douglas' acting... and the fact that there's no strong enough actor to really provide a foil for him. Terrific extras, though, including a commentary track and numerous documentaries and interviews about this titan of a director on a second disc (including some great afterthoughts by Spike Lee, of all people), in that this is the first title of his to be featured on Criterion.

Now your turn!

1. It's bad enough no actual firefighters want to campaign with me... now the fucking empty coats have to turn their back to me?!?

2. So this is where barrators, grafters, and sowers of discord, scandal and schism go!

3. Like a sturgeon... touched for the very first time.

4. Finally, a topical set of Olympic mascots.

5. [Exotic practice photo!]

6. I came all this way for a summit, not to be a judge in some sorta Australian Dick Cheney Look-A-Like Competition!

7. Something tells me that this will be a less than successful gay pride parade.

8. And now, to move in to my luxurious new pad with a RealDoll made out of plumber's putty!

9. I'm rich, be-atch!

10. "Signore, please, you'll have to get off the red carpet!" "But I'm Richard Gere!" "We know!"

Oh yeah, the rules. Who cares? I like #9.