Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Here, There, and Everywhere

I suspected that election season would lead to an increase in sightings, false or not, of my nefarious footprints as I seek to wrest control of the country from those who have restored it to debt-ridden. over-mortgaged, perpetually warring greatness. These excerpts, unlinked as per my policy of not rewarding reactionary insanity, are from the last 24 hours alone (and don't even include permutations like "The Left Has" or "The Left Broke My Artificial Leg"):

In other words, to combat supposed lies, fear, and hate on the Right, The Left is using genuine lies, fear, hate, and blackmail... amazing how dismissive The Left was when bloggers accused Obama of lifting whole passages from other people's speeches and yet the left is perfectly willing to accuse John McCain of plagiarism by accurately recounting Georgia's history... The Left is already crying that the Americans are behind this war. That the Georgians are responsible for bringing this on themselves... I am certain that when I die, racism, sexism and homophobia will be alive and well, and The Left will be insanely waging war "to rid them from the Earth"... The Left is not bothered by such constitutional niceties as long as [his] social agenda is in play... it's impossible for me to comprehend why it is that The Left is so comfortable being [a loser]... one way to stop The Left in [his] quest for a socialist, nanny-state Utopia of complete state control is to prevent those on public, tax payer-funded welfare from voting... Ain't it Cool News lays the bare truth about how The Left is trying to get Dreamworks to censor Tropic Thunder... The left is so determined to get a Democrat into the White House and [he is] so full of hatred for Bush [he'll] vote for anyone.

At the end of the day, aren't we all just voting for anyone? I'd like to thank Trucker's Delight Pep Pills and Jolt Cola for making this frenzy of activity possible.

UPDATE: One day, I hope to be as corrosive and destructive as Willy Wonka...

Why Am I, The Left, Consistently Goaded Into This?

I'm also responsible for 30 years of Pacino over-acting!

It all started at Roy's place with a very special contributor:

-- A few liberal readers have taken offense to my suggestion that The Left doesn't object to anonymous cruising for gay sex in public places... Maybe I'm a product of my times, having grown up in New York City in the 1980s, but gay cruising in random places, specifically bathrooms, most certainly was part of the gay rights agenda. "You know, I'm really looking for the government to give some sort of legal recognition to my partnership and to increase funding to find a cure for AIDS." "Fuck that, dude, The Left has dispatched us to the third and fourth stalls at the Burger King in Astoria!"

-- Beyond the particularities of specific military interventions, what is most worrying is that The Left has become so embittered by the response to 9/11 that [he] has withdrawn into a feral crouch from which [he] is more suspicious of what the Western democracies do to protect themselves than it is with the plight of oppressed people abroad. It is awfully odd that one living in a Western democracy would be worried about the realities of their governments' actions rather than in the fanciful, hypothetical intervention that will never occur with an armed forces that have already been broken in the service of creating other humanitarian crises.

-- Whether you think Bush has been a successful president or not, The Left has been highly successful in painting his presidency as a dismal failure. To call this defense of a 41-car pileup of an Administration tepid is an insult to dishwater, mayonnaise on white bread, and the lush vocal harmonies of the Mitch Miller Singers.

-- The second that the Taliban showed up, the second that radical Islam put its flagpole down on America and decreed us evildoers, The Left has been AWOL. [He] does not even have a language — a lexicon — to deal with the raw evil that is radical Islam. I tried at one point, but kept devolving into analogies: "Radical Islam is to civilization what Michael Bolton is to soul singing," "Evil is to the Taliban what creamy, buttery taste is to I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." But then Toby Keith and his patriotic anthems came along and blew me and my minions all out of the water, and we've been playing catch-up ever since.

-- What most conservatives don't understand is that The Left has reincarnated [himself]* since the Soviet Union died. Conservatives think that obviously false beliefs should change; but that's not the way it works. Oppositional psychology is still at the core of the Left, and the mere crashing of the Soviet Empire and Maoist China hasn't changed a thing. I'll take this in order: No I haven't. Sure it is. No it isn't. Sure it has.

Man, I was not looking forward to another installment in this series, and it shows. Go watch some Shit Rock (Category II) videos instead and begin your painful acts of musical contrition.

* I am, in fact, the 14th reincarnation of The Left, taking over the duties in utero when Max Flesicher, of all people, passed away in September 1972.

Now The Left's in The Plumbing Business! What Gives?

The Left's great-great-grandfather, on Qur'an patrol in 1884 (#5).

Are we all Cheneyed out? Are we all Lefted out? Is everybody who reads, holds their nose because of, and then comments on my tripe currently en route to YearlyKos? If that's the case, then I suggest that everybody pull a Snake and rob your nearest local A- to D-list lefty blogger! Take the four-foot bongs, the poster of Albert Einstein sticking his tongue out, the Li'l Bastard America-Hating Mischief kits, and the coffee-table book about improving one's perceived brilliance with coffee-table books!

1. The Left has already successfully branded Fox News as GOP TV. What will the man on the street think of the Wall Street Journal, America's best newspaper, in six months? That it's a sad little black and white pixellated refuge for loonies like John Fund, Daniel Henninger, and Peggy "Magic Jesus Dolphin" Noonan? WRONG! I think that now! Allow me to go to the nearest street to confirm!

2. Winning back America ONE word at a time: The Left has being doing this for decades. Let's see if we can do the same. Do not use liberal or progressive when socialist, communist, Lenninist, Stalinist, Marxist will do. There is no Democratic party only Democrat, in any shape way or form. There may be a gay Homosexual, but you are a homosexual first. Oh Lord, I'm scraping the bottom of a barrel on the opposite side of the planet with this one. But if you click through to read the second comment in the forum, it will all become worth it.

3. There’s been a lot of talk in today’s blogosphere about the way in The Left has responded to Chief Justice Roberts’ seizure, with the perfect example showing up at Wonkette’s website: "Chief Justice John Roberts has died in his summer home in Maine. No, not really, but we know you have your fingers crossed." That is slander of the most vile variety. I myself was unable to finish a second helping of pancakes after hearing about his seizure and fall. I also said "Oh my God. Five cents off wax paper" while pointing to a coupon.

4. This is an inconvenient truth for the Church of CO2 Emissions. We can’t enact an international treaty to control the sun’s magnetic activity. We can’t legislate against it. Nor can it be used as a club to beat energy companies bloody or to institute the type of draconian controls over humanity for which The Left has always lusted. I myself have called for people to stop emitting carbon dioxide by beating them savagely about the head and neck until they stop breathing. No wait, that's for failure to USE A GODDAMNED TURN SIGNAL ON THE FUCKING FREEWAY. We'll deal with you later, Mr. Sun. How I've yearned to destroy you since the beginning of time (see comment #2 for an early appearance of The Left).

5. Now, The Left has been arguing for years that "speech" includes the right to burn the American flag, but now flushing the Qu'ran gets you arrested. It's exactly what we feared-- special rights for minorities due to hate crimes legislation. Where are we headed with this flawed logic? Unobstructed public toilets and drier Qur'ans?

6. Is YearlyKos a sign that The Left has elbowed centrist Dems aside? I ain't elbowin' shit, motherfucker! I WASN'T EVEN INVITED!

Other tiresome chronicling of my misdeeds can be found here. So much vitriol for one little guy! Try your own pithy responses to these damning indictments!

So, Is The City That The Left Attacked A Smoking Pile of Rubble Yet?

You would think that after so many repetitive, useless posts, it would be.

1. The Left has REFUSED since Gore lost to even attempt civility. Even without the war the Left was never even POLITE to Bush or the right. I will say that GWB has bent over backwards to win over The Left’s (from education with Kennedy to immigration, Free Drugs for Seniors, appointing hold over judges…) and all he got in return was more bile. That's funny... I should have been all over free heroin and crystal meth for Grandpa. Was my own white noise-quality shrillness to blame, or was it an insufficiently enthusiastic, politicized departmental spokesperson? As for the politeness dig, I've had Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior on my Amazon wish list for quite a while, so I blame you fucking cheapskates.

2. Bush Derangement Syndrome is not something that "used to" exist. It is alive and well -- and apparently growing. While Peggy says that no one thinks anymore that those afflicted with the syndrome are unhinged. I do, as do many others, and I deeply lament that Peggy is giving cover to the vicious, indefensible assaults against Bush from The Left since 2000. I will admit to have sucked it up and taken one for the team, wooing Ms. Noonan with a barrage of sonnets about Reagan, gift towers full of Xanax, and my natural roguish charm. We expect a 2008 date for a wedding in Hyannisport, with the ring-bearer being a magical dolphin.

3. Our Soldiers deserve a Nation to be United Behind Them, while they are in combat. That's not the case now, obviously, The Left has done [his] level best to destroy George Bush, and will sacrifice whatever and whoever it takes to do so. From the unnecessary capitalization to the blurring of the lines between a dry-drunk word-mangler with the average G.I. Joe or Jane, I think we have a sterling new textbook example of "fascism."

4. Following a gradual build-up of liberal animosity to weapons beginning in approximately 1970, The Left has pushed for the total removal of guns from the US population. I find this astounding. Was it not the power of the gun that integrated the University of Alabama? Something about the role of guns and their backing up the powers that be in the South doesn't sit right with me. Oh wait, maybe we should be banning fire hoses! It's so obvious!

5. The Left has always been about "planned" society. [He has] never been about "peace," "justice," or "progress" in spite of [his] PR soundbites to that effect. In the end [he is] only about power; the power of the state and ideology over the individual and private creativity. In this regard, [he is] the perfect compliment to the Islamofascists. Their identical sympathies should be a surprise to no one. And yet here I "am," not "languishing" in Gitmo with "rice pilaf." "Thanks," Peggy!

As you can see, there's quite a cross-section of popularity, from a syndicated columnist to single-digit pageview "Create A Free Weblog With Blogger®!" sites. And yet, our professional ringer is virtually indistinguishable from some schmendrick-in-a-basement. As always, you can find and mock other indictments if you wanted to kill some basement-time of your own.

That Was Like... Other Lefts Or Something

All will become clear by the end of the post.

For once, I, The Left, should be relatively blameless for bad developments, having been without computer access for most of the last week. Unfortunately, I was unlucky enough to be sitting by the monitor when the Libby commutation took place... but I hardly had enough time before my plane departed to foment worldwide anarchic socialistic revolution in response! Still, the casting of aspersions of guilt continues unabated, and I'm here to document it (remember that you can have fun instead on a Friday and check out the random music videos and ticket stubs):

1. To a person, everyone on the entire left said, since Gore conceded the election, that Bush was “not THEIR President!” My own mother said it the day after Gore conceded, and she, like other hard-core Democrats, was proud of that statement. Even after 9/11 The Left still yelled it from the rooftops, so don’t kid yourselves. They’ve never once went along with Bush on anything (they only grudgingly went along with the response to 9/11, but man…they were quick to make political hay out of it!). But this post is about Keith Olbermann...? Oh, I get it. One week away and some smarmy ex-sportscaster trying to find a niche on a cable news station becomes The Left. Why not just anoint Margaret Cho or the guy who plays the Macintosh in the TV commercials while you're at it? God, I fucking hate that Apple stand-in.

2. I'm one of those that believes that The Left has to get [his] shit together because how we demonstrate negatively impacts our effectiveness. People tune us out the second they hear 'Give Peace a Chance' or 'If I Had a Hammer' at yet another one of our rallies. That's only because you haven't heard my If I Had a Hammer/MC Hammer mash-up. Che Guevara's in the house and you'll know he'll get it started! 2 America-Hatin' 2 Quit!

3. And do you notice that the more unhinged The Left has become lately, the more [he likes] to toss around the words “patriot” and “patriotism?” Not as a feeling, of course. Such silly sentiments are reserved for the great unwashed masses who are placed on this earth to worship the superior beings that liberals consider themselves. One of my favorite pithy phrases is "Could somebody translate that into English?" You can also try "Once more, with feeling, and in English!" Of course, it wouldn't sting so much if the linked site weren't twice as heavily trafficked and three times as linked as HFPST is.

4. The Left will make a big stink about the commuting of the sentence of Scooter Libby. Why? The Left has destroyed our legal system. You can click through in a vain attempt to receive causal enlightenment, but I will warn you that none is forthcoming.

5. These attacks (in the UK) are real, they are not a "distraction" or minor events as The Left has stated. The Larry Johnsons, Leftards, Donks and Nutroots don't want these type of attacks, because it amplifies how weak they are on security, thus they deny them or minimize them. Wow, it's like reading a Dr Seuss book with all of the fantastic made-up creatures! Well, except for Larry Johnson. He's real and still boarding up a storm for the Charlotte Hornets on my copy of NBA 1994 for the Sega Genesis*.

6. Days following the September 11 attacks, could you have imagined we would've reached this level of mind-numbingly stupid (and potentially deadly) political correctness? Going on almost 7 years since those attacks, The Left has never relented in [his] daily efforts to blame The West for Islamofacist terrorism on freedom-loving people. Six. Six years. 2001 from 2007 leaves 6. And there's my daily contribution in vilifying The West!

* Yes, I know it's entirely likely that it's this Larry Johnson that's being referenced.

The Left Is Attacking The City LXVI: So Very Tired

Come, my minions, rise for your master!

(The previous LXV editions are collected here) Much of the focus of the World Wide Web's network of reactionary, basement-dwelling cranks in the last week has been on my apparent attempt to revive the Fairness Doctrine, which would apparently put conservative radio personalities in gulags, mandate the reading of The Communist Manifesto in lieu of a 20-song block of classic rock, and interrupt all right-leaning programs building to a frothy, immigrant-demonizing climax with a 25-minute Ravi Shankar raga. These are all fantastic ideas, and I wish to subscribe to my own pamphlet. In other 'me' news...

1. It's amusing to me that when The Left gets attacked and [he starts] running for the high ground so [he] can nobly claim it when, in fact, The Left has done so much to debase civil debate in this country. For fuck's sake, cram a sock in it, ya daft cunt.

2. SO... WHY GIVE ENEMY COMBATANTS (non-uniformed third-party fighters who are NOT covered by Geneva) MORE RIGHTS THAN POWS!?!?!?!? It makes no freakin' sense. ZERO. Bupkuss. Zilch. But it's exactly what The Left has successfully argued. It sickens me. Especially since these foreign fighters obey NO RULES OF WAR THEMSELVES. All this effort (to give these enemy combatants MORE rights than POWS) does is HELP THE ENEMY. Those who underwrite and undertake these efforts are traitors. Traitors not only of the USA, but CIVILIZATION. I had no idea John Yoo had a blog!

3. The Left has no talent; The right is brimming with it. Therein lies the imbalance. So now The Left attacks the conservatives’ right to have their talent on the radio, especially Talk Radio. This is typical underhanded lefty-liberal horse-shit. They have to cheat to win, but they still lose. Waaah! Please, the last thing the people of Austin need to hear is my nasal voice over the airwaves three hours a day. I'll leave that business to the talented local cranks who appeal to the elderly and unemployed through the strategic employment of fart noises and argument-enders like "What a JOKE!!!"

4. It details how The Left is out to destroy our military. The Left has always tried to destroy our military, [he is] more open about it these days. While certainly tempting, such a project would be small po-taters. It can now be revealed: since the beginning of time, I have yearned to destroy the Sun!

5. That group of left wing America haters would rather see the terrorist on our shores and the loss of lives grow than to have America actually fight and win the war in the middle east. Is it their belief that capitalizism [sic] and democracy need to be overtrown [sic] in favor of their socialistic views, or is it the natural born hatred The Left has for the existance [sic] of Isreal [sic]? Or maybe both! That gives me a fiendish idea: if I continue to misspell "Israel," perhaps it will cease to legally exist on maps, paving the way for a United Nations cartographic takeover!

All this acrimony is enough to make me renounce my genetically predetermined Stalinistic atheism, embrace Jesus, and then take a bong hit for him. I'll check in on my misdeeds in another couple of weeks, assuming this country and its cable-modem infrastructure are still standing. Vegas has those odds at 5:4, thanks to my super-secret alliance with the New Black Panther Party, the Tamil Tigers, eco-terrorists, and starting front line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

"Brian, For Example, Has 37 Pieces Of Flair. And a Terrific Smile."

You don't know how sad it is to be called out by somebody who takes publicity shots like this.

I guess everybody's read Matt Taibbi's broadside against me by now. I wasn't initially sure whether I should re-mix it, respond to it, or ignore it. After all, I'm not technically "The American Left," I'm just plain "The Left," having renounced my citizenship in this godforsaken hell-country once it became 'AmeriKKKa' in the early 90s, coincident with my arrival at college and my discovery of an amnesty program in the People's Republic of Austin. However, I get the feeling that Mr. Taibbi is kind of talking about me, so a-shortenin' and a-remixin' we will go:
----------------------
I've never liked the word liberal. One time, some big kid called me a liberal with a real sing-songy voice, and the tears started welling up in my eyes and I dropped my caramel latte and ran home to my luxuriantly appointed townhouse and listened to my favorite Natalie Merchant CD until I could calm down. That was two weeks ago. I talked to some fellow journalistic latte-sippers for this article, and they don't like the label either, and one confided to me that s/he pooped her/himself upon hearing the term.

“Fuck that,” responded one, when I asked if he wanted to be quoted in this piece. “I’d rather talk about my genital warts. I’d rather show you pictures of my genital warts, as a matter of fact.” (not altered) You know, come to think of it, I think he may have been simultaneously insulting and disgusting me. But I prefer to think that he's angry at The Left.

A lot of it, surely, has to do with the relentless abuse liberalism takes in the right-wing media, on Fox and afternoon radio, and amid the Townhall.com network of newspaper invective hurlers. Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! That was Orwell's motto, and now it's mine. I think this desire to capitulate goes back to this one time that Ann Coulter TP'ed my Volvo. Neither I nor Helga (my car) can go through that trauma again.

Topic sentence ahead: At a time when someone should be organizing forcefully against the war in Iraq and engaging middle America on the alarming issue of big-business occupation of the Washington power process, the American Left has turned into a skittish, hysterical old lady, one who defiantly insists on living in the past, is easily mesmerized by half-baked pseudo-intellectual nonsense, and quick to run from anything like real conflict or responsibility. I'll let you process the irony on being hysterical, nonsensical, and prone to unproductive endeavors on your own time.

I mean, why are you worried about the FBI following you or illegally collecting information on your phone calls? So there's been endless documentation of such abuses... you think you're so important? I've got a column in Adbusters Magazine, and I'm not worried! And take off that Che Guevara T-shirt and start wearing something sensible. I myself wear fake retro Izod Lacostes that are in actuality real Izod Lacostes that I've kept in storage since 1985.

The American Left's ugly little secret is that it really doesn’t mind being in the position it’s in – politically irrelevant and permanently relegated to the sidelines, tucked into its cozy little cottage industry of polysyllabic, ivory tower criticism. Forget the irony again, please.

[More remixed self-loathing in the extended entry...]

Here’s the real problem with American liberalism: there is no such thing, not really. One would think my column would have disappeared in a puff of logic after that, but hear me out: it's a fat, affluent, overeducated New York/Washington head crudely screwed onto the withering corpse of the vanishing middle-American manufacturing class. No more zombie movies for me before bedtime!

Thus, the people who are the public voice of American liberalism are not themselves poor single mothers without health insurance who are being squeezed by large employers who fail to comply with labor laws. Imagine that. And I'm not a Vietnam veteran afflicted with PTSD who is living in a halfway home. Weird.

Bernie Sanders, whom we should all be listening to instead of me, said: "Unfortunately, today, when you talk about the ‘American left,’” he says, “as often as not you’re talking about wealthy folks who are concerned about the environment , women’s rights, and gay rights. But you’re not really referring to millions of workers who have lost their jobs because of disastrous trade agreements." But remember: you can only do one, American Left! Choose wisely!

[skip several paragraphs where somehow the rise of the DLC is my fault]

This is another dirty little secret of The Left – they're ree-ich, be-atch! How can you possibly critique the disastrous, regressive Bush tax cuts if you can actually afford to pay your gas bill! I mean, The Left is running his A/C non-stop in East Austin for months on end! I'll bet The Left is even educated! Don't try to play stupid; it's impossible given your book-learnin'!

Progressive politicians in Washington frequently complain that the political mainstream’s abandonment of working-class issues opens the door for Republicans to seize the ignored middle-American electorate, mainly by scaring them with bugaboo images of marrying queers, godless commie academics, dirty bearded eco-terrorists, and so on [not altered].

What makes the American left silly? Well, I don't have any firsthand observations, so let me instead just pull a bunch of things out of my ass that wouldn't seem out of place in an unsourced Dinesh D'Souza rant: the word “oppression” as mouthed by college kids, academics in Priuses (but not Chevy Tahoes, the manly SUV for men) using the word “Amerika,” ebonics, combat berets. designer coffees, and Godwin's Law [I didn't add or subtract from this list; by the way, most of it seems to come from this 2004 reactionary political commercial attacking Howard Dean in Vermont].

We all know where this stuff comes from. My ass. I already done told you that. All this inclusion and diversity and fagginess and lack of censorship at official meetings of The Left across the country really steams my clams. Next thing you know, you’ve got guys on stilts wearing mime makeup and Cat-in-the-Hat striped top-hats leading a half-million people at an anti-war rally [not altered]. Wait a minute, that was Lollapalooza 1992. Man, I love Front 242.

There’s a weirdly indulgent tone to all of this Bush-bashing that goes on in lefty media, a tone that’s not only annoyingly predictable in its pervasiveness, but a turnoff to people who might have tuned in to that channel in search of something else. I just get all upset when somebody uses the President for the last six and a half years as some sort of symbol of what's wrong with the country. I mean, despite the endless wars sold on lies, trillion dollar debt increases, re-writing regulations for the benefit of corporate contributors, and scientific know-nothingism, he's a swell guy.

But American college types don’t have to fight for shit anymore. Remember the Beastie Boys’ Licensed to Ill album? Remember that song “Fight for Your Right to Party”? Well, people, that song was a joke. So was “We’re Not Gonna Take It” and “And the Cradle Will Rock.” [not altered[]I know that millions of people have used Twisted Sister's one hit and an obscure Van Halen song as the guiding lights for their personal philosophies, but come on. We all know U2 is where it's at.

That, in sum, is why I don’t call myself a liberal. To me the word “liberalism” describes an era whose time is past, a time when a liberal was defined more by who he was fighting against – the Man – than what he was fighting for. Plus, that whole conundrum was solved by Keenan Ivory Wayans with the help of Isaac Hayes in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka!

In short: that's why you should call yourself a "progressive." No really, that's it. There's my solution. Please don't throw your monitor out the window in anti-climactic exasperation.

That's all folks!
----------------------------
By the way, for your generational warriors, Taibbi is either 36 or 37. Therefore, the Izod, Natalie Merchant, and Front 242 references are probably appropriate, as I graduated high school either the same year as or one year after him.

Who Could It Be Now?

Beware, you gigantic, slow-witted Swedish schoolchildren!

Yes, another goddamned installment of The Left (Me) vs. Civilization. How thrilling for everybody involved, not least of which are today's quartet of truth-tellers:

1. While The Left has been screaming for impeachment for about 7 years now, they want him impeached for lowering taxes, or ousting a MURDEROUS DICTATOR and liberating MILLIONS of people in Iraq, but when he destroys our borders and hands our sovreignty [sic] over to Mexico, well, that’s what they want, so they won’t scream then. I was screaming for impeachment before he was elected? Man, I was shrill back in the day. Thank goodness I've learned to mellow out with the cool sounds of Dan Fogelberg, a cup of hot tea, and my plan to overthrow worldwide capitalism for the benefit of differently-abled Native Americans.

2. The reaction of The Left [to the French elections] has also been almost humorously uniform: they just can't understand how people can be so stupid that they don't vote for the left that we all know is inherently superior to the right both morally and intellectually, and should thus rule in the fair and just world. If inherent superiority means not typing sentences like a five year old describes his first trip to Disneyworld, then count me in to the overlord class.

3. The Left has been making great inroads in [his] quest to remake society to [his] own specifications. From [his] perches in the media, universities and the halls of Congress, secular progressives (meaning Godless liberals) are winning the culture war. Their tactics are simple. Take control of a certain issue and immediately go on the offense. It's weird... it's like the entire linked post was assembled from the transcript of a 1991 Rush Limbaugh radio broadcast. I remember him back then, as I only had an AM radio in my 1977 Cutlass Supreme Station Wagon. Ol' Turdmobile, I called her. With her oft-drooping upholstery and her sturdy GM craftsmanship...

4. Have you ever wondered about the culture that has invited possibly the worst multicultural, non-assimilation experiment on the planet, Sweden? ... Well, it could be because The Left has been allowed to reach such ludicrous heights that a recent experiment in a school has boys being forced to wear girls' clothes and vice versa. Yes, that's right! You know, with my extremely busy day that includes at least seven hours of television viewing, writing long, nasty letters to Olive Garden Corporate Headquarters, and bathing at least four times, one might wonder where I would get the time to screw with Swedish elementary schools. Let that be a warning to any institution that thinks they can operate normally and escape my grasp. Yes, that's right!

Remember that everybody bad that's ever happened has one source: some thirtysomething schmendrick typing away on a lo-traffic blog in East Austin. As the least of The Monkees, Peter Tork, once said: "It's always the fella you least suspect!" Remember: if you have the stomach or the time for it (the time shouldn't be a problem for my typical reader), you can always try finding your own indictment!

Come In From the Cold, Secret Agent Dubya

I'm the master of disguise!

A very special edition of The Further Adventures of The Left (me), where a season-ending cliffhanger is revealed:

If one wants to give Bush the benefit of the doubt, you could either say he’s an idiot and/or totally out of touch with much of the Republican base. I didn’t see his speech about the issue, but I assume he spoke with a straight face when he claimed people opposed to the AMNESTY bill didn’t want what was right for America. Bush seems to be accomplishing what The Left has been trying to do for years. That is destroying the Republican Party.

Gabba gabba hey, I accept him, one of me! Actually, I attribute this latest faux pas to a certain restlessness the President must have, borne of his been mired in the high 20s or low 30s, approval-wise. His fevered brain wonders what it must have really been like for Nixon as he hung about in the low 20s just prior to his resignation (because heaven knows Bush has no recollection of most of the Seventies himself). As to whether the more mainstream conservative repudiation of the President is being done in good faith, one can always check the before n' afters at Glenn Greenwald's site.

However, a simpler explanation to the immigration conundrum may come from the following equation: an average border-patrollin' Militia Man may only be able to contribute a used can of Skoal and a half-eaten box of Arby's Curly Fries to the GOP; whereas large agricultural, meat-packing, and bottling concerns actually donate large amounts of cash. Or, put another way, every single pre-planned action taken by this Administration has been taken in an effort to enrich big business at the expense of everything: regional security, fiscal responsibility, border integrity, workers' rights... you name it.

P.S. Anyone at all care about my previous post? UPDATE: OK, now pay attention to this one.

Secret Agent Lefty McLefterson

The Left inherited his hatred of all things precious, cute, and American from his father, who is pictured with a plate of freshly grilled sausages held just out of reach of three hungry canines*. [click thumb for a larger pic]

Another week, another America-hating dollar. Previous editions of things The Left (me) has done to our country, our civilization, our bodily fluids, and our standards of decency and civility can be found here.

1. The Left has been near-uniformly opposed to a law or Constitutional Amendment banning flag burning. It has repeatedly been held by Courts that flag-burning is legitimate speech because it expresses one's opposition to American policies, government, people and/or culture. This is actually a rather mundane observation, apart from wondering how I could have been out of uniformity with myself. But the tagline of the website is "The Creeping Dictatorship of the Left." There's nothing creeping about it! Servitude now for the future!

2. The Democrats have staked out this shameless, defeatist position because they are once again the party of The Left, a party run by McGovernites - the doves who think it's okay to end a war by retreating, surrendering. In the case of Iraq, these Democrats and their Democrat Party are willing to surrender it to Iran and al Qaeda. Two small points of contention: (a) if that so-called opposition party is my own trained group of surrender monkeys, then they've forgotten their training; (b) something something about Iran and al Qaeda?

3. The more celebrity moonbats like Rosie O. speak out, the more people can judge for themselves how wacked out The Left has become. Man, I didn't even support her on Star Search back in the day: The Left is a Sinbad guy through and through! P.S. People still type out the word 'moonbats'? Do they also say "I love you, man!" while drinking Budweiser?

4. This Memorial Day, let us thank God that there are men and women in the world who are not morally paralyzed by the rabid nonsense currently being propagated by The Left; and will not remain silent, but are willing to do what needs to be done to shine the light on that darkness. There's no link to the post in question because I fear for my safety, or, in the alternative, for my diminished ability to recognize artfully put-together satire. Just kidding, the site is a repeat offender and I'm not touchin' it with a ten-foot clown pole.

5. The Left is populated almost totally with such wacked [sp] out freaks. And they want to run our lives. It upsets me, as we approach Memorial Day, that our young men and women are giving their lives for these folks. They don’t deserve it. As such, I’m preparing a Memorial Day essay with a bold proposal. I decided to let this grammatical oddity (how can I be populated with many freaks, whacked-out or otherwise?) through because of the cliff-hanger it tantalizingly dangles in front of us. Unfortunately, a grand scheme to deport me or repeatedly subject me to a book on tape with the musings and memoirs of Styx's Dennis DeYoung was not forthcoming. I was looking forward to hearing how the casting for the Kilroy Was Here project came about.

You can try finding your own stunning indictments of my ongoing perfidy, even on the BBQiest of all national holidays, but make sure that they're exquisitely sourced and dismissively rebutted!

* Don't worry, we made it up to one of them later.

The Shit Hits The Left

Sorry, Ma, Forgot To Poison The Culture!

After getting a taste of Newt Gingrich's unmedicated ramblings on a Sunday talk show, I fully expected the lesser lights of the Permanent 30-Percenter Movement to squarely place blame for the deaths at Virginia Tech massacre at my (The Left's) feet. Maybe I'm using the wrong search terms, because it's been strangely muted out there. Oh well, I'll always have my 2.5-year reign of terror to fall back on.

-- I’m beginning to wonder what The Left has against walls and fences. Reading the most partisan hack in the Washington Post, Eugene Robinson, on the subject of the “gated communities” in Baghdad makes me think that The Left has never liked a fence or wall. You're forgetting the Berlin Well erected by my Communist masters! And "The Wall" by Pink Floyd, with the attendant drugs!

-- It is the same old cut and run, retreat, snatch defeat from victory that The Left has embraced since Vietnam. Nowhere do we see you encouraging any Victory in this War. To play off of what one of our Founding Fathers said, we aren’t going to let you LEAD us into defeat. You do not desire to FOLLOW us into Victory. So, just GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY! I wouldn't bother using the lazy "chickenhawk" argument in the comments, as the author is a Vietnam Veteran. However, I am sensing a paucity of strategic thinking or recognition that military opinion about the overall plan is in the crapper. And there's no way I'm encouraging people to see Victory, despite the presence of Pelé and Sylvester Stallone as the world's stubbiest goalkeeper.

-- The bad news, though, is that The Hysterical Left* will continue to use feelings and scare tactics to sway good people who do not know any better. Face it, guns are scary to people who have no knowledge or experience with them. Plus, The Left has managed to use [his] accomplices in Hollywood and the media to perpetuate all the lame old stereotypes and lies. All these connections and I still can't get Penelope Cruz to lift the restraining order. What's the use? Of course, the underlying point is absolutely correct: guilt-free problem-solving with gunplay in American movies is virtually non-existent.

-- Without racism the left would not exist, the platform of The Left has always been to divide the masses by reminding them of the differences. When have you ever heard the liberal left talk about nationalistic pride for if we are nothing else we are AMERICANS first and foremost. I'm going to leave it up to you, my readership, to respond to this one in the comments. ONLY THE AMERICAN ONES.

-- Now I am going to do something that I normally do not do, but will for the sake of taking what The Left has given-- and spewing it back in [his face] for a change. Where does this brain dead, stupid mother fucker get his talking points from? Oh, yeah, MoveOn.org. Yo Harry, take some advice and MOVE ON! Oh, he thinks anti-choice, radical centrist, Mormon Senator Harry Reid is The Left. That's cute. I will, however, congratulate him on his admirable restraint given the towering spew gap between the political sides.

As you can see, it's just the usual complaints: destroying Western Civilization, willing our armed forces into defeat, shape-shifting and inhabiting the bodies of Harry Reid , Hugo Chavez, and Wolf Blitzer, and conspiring with Sheryl Crow to sexually confuse Karl Rove and snatch your toilet paper at the precise, post-Taco Bell moment that you most desperately need it.

* OK, fess up. Who's been moonlighting as "The Hysterical Left"?

Kid-Friendly Civilization-Destruction!

Choose your own adventure!

Great googly moogly, it's time to teach your children well about the dangers of The Left (me). If the above books aren't evidence enough of my perfidy, why not take the following words of assorted reactionaries... from the highest indicted criminal to the lowest of the lo-traffic nutblogs... to heart?

-- Panelist Ken Blackwell, formerly Ohio's secretary of state and the Republican candidate for governor last fall, said Imus was "not a conservative" and that "The Left has sacrificed one of [his] own to give [him] a platform to go after true conservative talk show hosts." Oh, the Passion of the Imus. It would almost be comical if the theory hadn't been floated by local Texan nutball Kinky Friedman in the New York Post. Are there any of my minions I won't betray? Watch your back, Sharpton!

-- What The Left is doing (with Imus) is not a fluke – it’s a concerted strategy. And it works. So if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. That’s why I am calling on conservatives to use the available media (radio talk shows, blogs, letters to the editor) to protest and demand that Rosie O’Donnell be kicked off The View. You know, that's eminently fair, Mr. Ex-Speaker DeLay. And to think I once called you a paranoid, power-hungry twit! It was all George Soros' idea, I swear!

-- I do believe that it's important to expose The Left's persistent attempts to paint evangelicals as traitors, as un-America, and even anti-American. If you think that's hyperbole or hateful in some way, I hope that you're over 50. Unfortunately, Guantanamo isn't large enough to hold 40 million godbags, so we'd better hope for some sort of limited Rapture to get them out of our hair. By the way, if you're over 50, tell me so in the comments. I value your learned and experience-rich contributions*.

-- Likewise The Left has become the Palestinians. [He identifies] with the Arabs. That is the psychological basis of [his] unholy alliance with the Islamists and jihadists. The paranoia, projection and denial all serve to make [him] feel better about [himself]; [makes him] feel less like the [loser he is]. Do you really want a link to the whole article, which is 3900 words long and called "Paranoia Strikes Deep"? Isn't this excerpt enough to test the irony limitations of the stoutest reader?

-- The danger of fascism from The Left has always been greater than the danger from the right because the major players in the Fear Industrial Complex belong ideologically to The Left and believe in whet they are doing, protecting people from the dangers of corporations and right wing governments. You know, I generally don't try to tie in actual facts or events with some of these insane ramblings, but, assuming that knowledge is power over fear, the correlation between Fox News viewership and rank ignorance needs to be pointed out. As well, of course, as the standard definition of fascism as state power being married to corporate power. Apart from that, fair enough.

I wonder if there's any other sort of recent current event I'll be tied to? Probably not. Try finding your own indictments of your favorite webmaster (me) and sticking them in the goddamned comments!

* Don't believe me! I'm looking to start an intergenerational war!

I Only Do These For the Periodic Crooks & Liars Link

All hail our new Claymated Senatorial savior!

Really, The Left series has become extremely tedious and repetitive, hasn't it? Why do I persist? I don't think I've ever received a comment from the tens of thousands of visitors sent my way by large sites, which is a good thing, because the comments over there resemble some sort of open sewer of catchphrases, off-topic site pimping, and banalities that would make a Free Republic-an wince*. I feel so dirty!

-- I've argued over and over again, that The Left has abandoned the nation-state. [He]views the terrorist and the dictator, the communist and the Islamist as heroes. [He sees] these forces as the underdog, opposing Western values and imperialism. Over and over again? But this is the first I've heard of the abandonment argument! How is this possible?

-- How about that The Left has really, and I mean really, has got it in for religion. Obama as Christ!?!? Ah, blasphemy for openers, there's a good sign. What can I say? I am truly flabbergasted at this one. But I thought that he turned two years in the U.S. Senate into $25 million and 100,000 donors! All Jesus did was get some wedding partygoers buzzed. He's really, and I mean really, BIGGER THAN JESUS!

-- The Negrophobia and Cultural Genocide of The Left: Now, it seems to me that the left is King Midas in reverse, in that it destroys whatever it touches and reduces gold to excrement, whether it is institutions, countries, cultures, or individuals. I realize this sounds harsh, but I believe it is self-evident. It's a fait accompli! I was thinking about arguing that I personally have not been responsible for everything I touch getting hurt or dying, but to argue against that which is self-evident? Lunacy!

-- I have complained of the unequal justice that liberals enjoy and conservatives suffer. For example, the ridiculous firestorm over Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and the U.S. attorney firings... oh, let's not forget the farce that Scooter Libby faces for his political beliefs. When all is said and done, The Left has criminalized conservative politics. It's truly remarkable how I managed to pull that trick in a historical period where I controlled none of the branches of government. I should get a gaudy "ASK ME HOW!" internet ad. P.S. Love the title of the post; nothing screams out "civil rights movement" like the plight of a White House aide who lies to federal investigators.

-- Like I said, to The Left, nothing is worth dieing for, nothing worth killing for. Because in the end, nothing is worth living for, to [him]. Of course the Good justifies blowing up evil people. Good is strong and powerful like that, it gets to do things evil cannot do, after all. The Tree of Liberty is not sustained by the blood of patriots and tyrants, to The Left. The Tree of Liberty is sustained by…. chaos, decay, parasites, and entropic processes. And we have this week's entry in the "Please Translate Into Something Approximating English" sweepstakes!

I am somewhat surprised that the Speaker of the House, Nancy al-Pelosi, has not herself been crowned "The Left" for her pseudo-diplomatic attempt to get all American girls (who are firmly in her control with Speakertorial brainwashing) to start wearing Islamic headdresses. We may see the fruits of her push to usurp my title next week. Or, we could forget all about it and watch this epic matchup between Rick Wakeman and Level 42**!

* Quiet, I'm conducting some sort of mad lurker experiment!
** Not all of them, just their keyboardist. Don't give away the ending!

Can't Stand Ya, The Left!

Do not accept imitation lefts!

There's not been much over the last week to indict me (THE LEFT) for... nobody seems to be vociferously defending embattled department heads Alberto Gonzales or GSA empress Lurita Doan. Then Tony Snow's cancer had the bad taste to metastasize into his liver, somebody wrote something untowards in the comments section of another website I don't hypnotically control (yet), and voila! I (THE LEFT) have once again become the scourge of everything that one shouldn't not love.

-- Even in death, The Left has no regard for the societal norms of respect, compassion or empathy. Much like the Islamo-facist terrorists who want all American’s dead, those on the extreme left in America want all conservatives and Republicans dead. There is little distinction between the two groups on this issue. OK, fess up, readership. Who's been moonlighting as "The Extreme Left"? I mean, that sounds like me after drinking 12 Rockstar Energy Concoctions... apart from the severe kidney damage.

-- One of the most awful legacies of the American left ultimately may be that it has undermined American and world support for decisive action to stop Iran's acquisition of nuclear weapons until it is too late. By its relentless attacks on the White House centering around the Iraq war, The Left has hobbled the Administration at a time when swift and unanimous action is required. The Left, The Constitution, good sense, the international community, most of people in the military or ex-military, whatever.

-- "All you need is Love"? That is supposedly the Anthem. Now I gotta tell you, I am not seeing much "love" from the looney left these days-- that lyric obviously didn't register. The Left hates people who believe in a power greater than themselves, and [he hates] HAPPY people. OK, now I know I didn't authorize any sort of "Looney Left" franchise. Think, people! Calling yourself looney is self-defeating! As for the hating shiny happy greater power people, it's a fair cop.

-- Hot Air has a lot of links to examples of how The Left is 'supporting' America and our Troops in this War Against Jihadists. For example, the Milwaukee protesters who spread feces on an Army Recruiting Office... the one I found most disturbing was from Little Green Footballs. It’s a video of a bunch of anarchist in Oregon burning an American Soldier in effigy. So much for the guise of supporting the Troops. Jeez, now I have to answer for anarchists and their failure to support the troops employed by the government they don't want? What's next? It's the Left's fault that mockingbirds can't stick with one song?

-- Here is yet another Left Wing power surge to prohibit Christian Free Speech. Is it not ironic that The Left is widely against a troop surge in Iraq for men protecting American Liberty and Freedom. Cut off the funds to win the war and cut out the people that represent a moral foundation in America. Good job comrade Leftie in the government bureaucracy. I'm sorry, I need one of these incomprehensible snippets every week to calm my frazzled nerves.

-- And finally, just to show you how low I've sunk and hypocritical I've become in the attempt to bring you minimal content, a comment from a right-wing site that pretty much tells you that your mother doesn't want you hanging out with me: The Left in this country, is hate-filled, juvenile, petty, and just plain evil! That’s the difference between [him] and us.

In reality, that's all just a "bad boy" act I put on in order to attract that cute little blonde who worked in Elaine Benes' office. Oh well, at least I'm not rapping at formal events.

"The Left Must Be Stopped. I've Gone Too Far. Who Does That Guy Think I Am?"

The Left precociously attempts to destroy Western Civilization with plaid pants (1976)

I've been doing these little performance pieces for quite a while now, and I thought that it would only be sporting if I gave you the beginnings of a simple taxonomy of anti-me arguments that pop up like a million zits on a greasy-faced teenager on lo-traffic, reactionary websites:

(1) "Stabbed in the back with an Islamic scimitar." This grand unified theory of perfidy places the blame for the incipient takeover of America/the West by a few mountain-dwelling Islamic radicals on my secular, atheist, non-fundamentalist shoulders. Sometimes it's a concrete, strategic move, other times it's just the amoral malaise I've spread over a complacent populace:

If Islam succeeds in becoming the dominant force in the West, which it looks like doing in Europe, soon, it will be in no small part due to the whole guilt and victimhood scam, which The Left in [his] perversity has inflicted on Western culture.

(2) "The cable access talk show economic theory." The Left likes nothing better than to see a majority of people backsliding on their standard of living, as well as increased poverty and insurancelessness, because this will usher in the Socialist One World State and the attendant forced labor camps he's been hankerin' after:

Because The Left has a vested interest in knocking down anything Bush and the right do because they want power so they can put us back on the road to serfdom/socialism. So when the market hiccups they scream CRASH! PLUNGE! RECESSION!

(3) "Projection: the last refuge of a dead-ender." In the days of razor wire-protected free speech zones, pre-screened town hall meetings, FCC Puritanism, and watching what we say, the real danger to free speech comes from some E-list blogger working out of his condo in East Austin:

Refusing to debate because it's on Fox? That, my friends, is insanity on such a large scale that I scarcely know where to being. The Left has insulated [himself] from any different points of view that anything interfering with [his] self-imposed echo chamber cannot be tolerated.

(4) "Pan-Leftism." The Left has numerous out-of-body experiences, and like the Great Spirit animates every decision made by every community college professor, independent filmmaker, or Target cashier who wishes you "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas":

I am more and more convinced that The Left has entirely surrendered [his] grasp on sanity. Where is [his] sense of proportion?? The Left can make a wistful movie about the assassination of George Bush and there is not a whisper of concern on the Left.

(5) "My toaster told me to write this." God only knows and he's not telling:

The Left has gone for our kahonies [ed: I think it's "cojones"]. Let me remind you what kahonies do in nature. They make you aggressive and territorial. They make you proud. They make you fight. Think about it. We are back in Bereisheet: Adam, Eve and the snake. The snake is using Eve's weaknesses to rob us of paradise. Let's bring back kahonies. The rest will come naturally.

It's lots of fun! Find your own!

I Don't Feel That My Horns Are Prominent Enough

St. Patrick's Cathedral, partially illuminated. This was as close as I could get to an actual landmark church without feeling my blood boil and vitreous fluid bubble. (click for a larger view)

As promised, a few days late and 2184th in the queue of people making fun of this column, here is my point-by-point grading of the extensive Joe Klein list that tells people whether they might be one of my (The Left's) brainwashed acolytes. My canon apparently includes the following...

-- believes the United States is a fundamentally negative force in the world. No, of course. All of those repressive client-states, death squads, and unleashing of civil wars are positive things. Didn't you know the Chinese have the same word for 'crisis' and 'opportunity'?

-- believes that American imperialism is the primary cause of Islamic radicalism. Let's face it, if you still use the word imperialism, you're probably some sort of hippie fossil to begin with. BTW, why did we kind of quietly pull our troops out of Saudi Arabia after 9/11?

-- believes that the decision to go to war in Iraq was not an individual case of monumental stupidity, but a consequence of America’s fundamental imperialistic nature. Not America's. The Administration's. I realize that clingy quasi-authoritarians like to mix the two up, but it's really not the case.

-- tends to blame America for the failures of others—i.e. the failure of our NATO allies to fulfill their responsibilities in Afghanistan. Jeez, did NATO kick your dog or something?

-- doesn’t believe that capitalism, carefully regulated and progressively taxed, is the best liberal idea in human history. I love those two qualifiers, like we've been seeing careful regulation or progressive taxation really shine over the last 30 years. As for it being the best liberal idea in history, I would say that's more free love with the mud-covered gender of your choice.

-- believes American society is fundamentally unfair (as opposed to having unfair aspects that need improvement). Like the people getting the moldy crusts care whether the unfairness is chronic or acute. Maybe they'll have to sign a "I love America and think it's my fault" affirmation card before getting health insurance.

-- believes that eternal problems like crime and poverty are the primarily the fault of society. No, it's the fault of the children who are born poor, every compassionate conservative knows that. I realize we're only up to #8 on the list, but I'm starting to get false dichotomy and straw poisoning.

-- believes that America isn’t really a democracy. IT'S A REPUBLIC, CHUCKLES!

-- believes that corporations are fundamentally evil. I'll believe that before I believe that they are fundamentally citizens.

-- believes in a corporate conspiracy that controls the world. Didn't you ever hear that Isley Brothers song? I think it goes "Money, money, money, money, mo-ney... MONEY!!!" I think it has something to do with money.

-- is intolerant of good ideas when they come from conservative sources. Like there are such things. Null set, sizzlechest!

-- dismissively mocks people of faith, especially those who are opposed to abortion and gay marriage. This has been covered ad nauseum in other posts, but I wonder what the appropriate reaction for women seeking reproductive rights and gay couples seeking equality should be? Nervous tittering at people of faith? Mild disagreement masked by a Hallmark card?

-- regularly uses harsh, vulgar, intolerant language to attack moderates or conservatives. I know, these things fucking write themselves sometimes.

And here's the wonderful coda:

P.S. It would be wildly stupid for me to get into a pissing match by naming names. I won't go there...And bear in mind, the characteristics above should be regarded as tendencies, not cast-in-stone beliefs.

You mealymouthed prick! I'm right HERE! Name ME! I'll even throw in a "hates NASCAR and strip malls even though both things are wonderful" belief for free. And, by the way, those beliefs are so cast-in-stone that I could actually tie one of them the cartilaginous ankle of a doe-eyed fetus and drop it in the East River, mob-style!

The Left Trashed Western Civilization... But That's O.K.

The Left does not condone Muggsy Bogues' outfit.

I haven't been shut down yet, so you get another week of this tiresome, non-productive, repetitive, redundant, and repetitive feature:

-- Today there is one topic that sells, and sells big, and that is global warming. This is the issue that The Left has chosen as [his] cause du jour-- move over poor starving orphans in Africa you are last years news. More like twenty years ago! They not only didn't know it was Christmas, but failed to celebrate Confederate Heroes' Day, which is a no-no in these here parts!

-- If the Democrats want to keep their majorities in the House and Senate and to win the White House in 2008, they will need the moderate votes. If the Far Left Mafia gets their way, they will sabotage their chances. We have seen the far right sabotage the Republicans and The Left has picked up their playbook. Throw fetuses? Stage illegal immigrant hunts? Claim that WMDs have been found? Whatever, you crazy playbook!

-- THE LEFT HAS HISTORICALLY DISMANTLED OUR MILITARY IN THE NAME OF REDISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH FAVORING SOCIAL PROGRAMS. We just cannot afford to let that happen now. If we do, the entire country will be bowing to the east several times a day within the next 50 years, maybe sooner. To be precise, it'll be five times a day, and may be more east-by-southeast for people in the New England area. I also plan on handing over people who type in all-caps to my Muslim masters.

-- The Left has self-esteem problems. That is why the clown of The Left, Al Franken, did his piece, aimed at the Left, on Saturday Night Live. He played Stuart Smalley, always reminding himself, "I am smart enough, I am pretty enough, I am good enough." Hey, he WAS making fun of me! That tears it, first thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to (1) punch Al Franken in the back of the head, (2) e-mail the author of the post a link to something that resembles an actual Stuart Smalley line.

-- Everything The Left has up [his] sleeve rides on the must-win eventuality of a deconstruction of all standards of performance and qualification, to be crushed under the happy wagon train of coffeehouse thinking and under-informed intellectuals. Well this under-informed intellectual at least knows about the concepts of "self-negation," "run-on sentences," and "metaphors that don't exist." Happy wagon train?

-- The Left has been on a psychotic rampage and the media has been behind them all the way. It is about dammed time someone said what we are all thinking!!! That's a tough one. "I really like the new fabric softener Mom is using on my laundry." "Why is the neighbor's dog talking to me?" "Say what you want, but Cool Ranch Doritos delivers a flavorful kick." "Dammed has an 'n' in it, right? Naw, couldn't be."

C'mon, let's all try and guess what they're all thinking! But remember to tread lightly in the comment areas of our friends across the reality divide!

The Left is Out of Touch, You're Out of Time

The Left stole Oates' moustache and gave it to the Dhimmifascists!

Another week, another round-up of things that I (The Left) have done in the name of... well, I really don't believe in anything, so let's just say I did it for the pure sociopathic joy of watching the country I've lived in for 99.5% of my life utterly destroyed and my things repossessed and set on fire! Wait a minute.. what kind of fucking plan is that?

-- We all know The Left has dreamt about a coup d’etat with Bush for over six years now, so it is a little silly to think of the right as the ones obsessed and out of control. I mean, who keeps trying to surrender to al Qaeda in Iraq? I have to admit that I thought of replacing the President with a council of learned Brat Packers, until I realized that Ally Sheedy may be non compos mentis. Dandruff is a poor substitute for snow, young lady! Get me Mare Winningham!

-- The Left has this egotistical attitude toward our troops that goes beyond my understanding. I can't figure out why [he believes he knows] what the troops really want. "Lets bring our boys home." Well, I did think that out of alcohol-fueled hubris, but the story about the Walter Reed hospital made me think that the troops would be better off at Pacific islands resorts, drinking daiquiris and listening to the smooth sounds of the ocean and/or Christopher Cross. And I mean smooooth.

-- The mediocre success in Iraq is the pinnacle of President Bush's originally bold foreign policy to protect America in an age of Islamofascism, but the continual nay-saying and self-flagellation of The Left has slowly bled the will to win from the American people. Well, be fair. Y'all couldn't have wanted to win all that bad if me gingerly hitting myself with a carpet-beater was a resolve-breaker.

-- The Left has been pushing surrender forever. Surrender to what? To whatever. Right on the mark, as usual. In the last 24 hours, I myself surrendered to a piece of wind-blown cardboard, several house cats, the "low toner" warning on my printer, an especially aggressive ditty by KMFDM, the person of indeterminate Middle Eastern descent who sold me my cigarettes, and to the build-up of lint in my dryer.

-- Gay people are just like you and me, except they like different flavours and different things. Why should we even care? Because The Left tells us that we must love them. The Left has no problem bashing Hispanics or marginalizing blacks, but we must jump on the gay bandwagon. I hope all of y'all enjoy the "Torch Song Trilogy" re-education camps! Don't worry about the Mexican-bashing and kicking Negroes to the curb, that will come naturally. Don't ask me how. Don't ask him how.

And remember, folks, this is just the tip of the iceberg of my nefarious plans! Find your own favorite plot! The person who can dredge up the best indictment gets a free Daryl Hall 45*!

* of course you get nothing of the sort

The Left Star-69'ed You, You Dirty Ho!

NOTICE: For the uninitiated streaming off of other websites, the italicized words below are not my own, but rather choice excerpts from the crazy places.

I'm in your climatologists' brains, convincing them 'bout the global warming!

The Left (my archives of perfidy here) is up to no good again. I'd love to toot my own horn, but frankly I really don't remember doing half of this shit. But there it is, in black and white, on impossibly reactionary websites, so it must be true! Remember to tread carefully upon the pristine habitats of the linked basement-dwelling authoritarians. Take only pictures, leave only footprints!

-- Funny thing about it is, though, is that The Left has consistently said from the start that this is “Bush’s war” but when you assert to the left that if we lose in Iraq that it means Bush loses too, they get indignant and all of a sudden start claiming that it wouldn’t be Bush losing but America losing. Well, unless he's footing the $650 billion bill by himself (I don't think the Rangers were that profitable) and all of the terror attacks from the increased registration are going to occur in some dump west of Waco, I may have a point, although I don't rightly recall making it.

-- The Left has been just about useless at every endeavor [he has] put [his mind] to, and even were the planet in actual danger from rising sea levels, I would not trust anyone on The Left to be in charge of measures to stop it. That's it, I was going to spring for a bunch of stilts for beach houses and gill implants for selected coastal residents, but you can forget it now.

-- The Left has ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN and everything else. The right has FOX to some extent but they are still slightly left of center in their reporting. And yet I still can't get my minions to put together more than 12 consecutive minutes of watchable prime time programming! Wait a minute. I just read that last clause (backing away slowly).

-- The great victory of The Left is that [he] has made us apologize for being right. A few may be truly offended, being in the grip of primitive pride. But, mostly, we are in the grip of a primitive ploy. We need more offensiveness, not less. We must offend the liars, the degraded, the darkness, the destroyers of civilization. You heard the nut. I'm going to need my limited set of regular readers to form four lines. Keep in mind that not all of you can be "the darkness."

-- The Left preaches panic about overpopulation and then has a large family, like Sting does; or preaches about "two Americas" before building a TWENTY-EIGHT THOUSAND SQUARE FOOT MANSION (28,000 sq ft) worth millions like the Breck Girl, er, John Edwards is doing. I did not have... seuxal... relations... with that woman... Trudie Styler. I can also assure my worried reader(s) that I have not implicitly cast my lot with a Democratic candidate by doing roof work on Edwards' McMansion. The Left is still a childless lunatic living in cramped East Austin squalor, because he never learned the perils about keepin' it real.

You can search for more if you want, but why would you want to waste that much time? Plus, reading (and slightly understanding) the German translation of that YouTube video makes for enough comic enjoyment unto itself. "I keeps it real like dat!" = "I remain true by my principles!"

The Left Controls Everything From His Icebound Villain's Lair

Another harrowing experience!

Keep in mind that the following indictments have been issued since Monday afternoon, when I was trapped and immobilized in a thick layer of ice courtesy of the Halliburton/CIA weather manipulation project. It's a pretty impressive list this week, considering that I've been doing nothing but playing video games and alphabetizing my socks for the last several days (previous editions of my unfettered perfidy are located here).

-- The Left has had a stranglehold on education, the media, and a host of other cultural influencers. The leftist idea of government is that government is God, and people ought to be like good sheep or "proles," as Orwell put it. I don't know why Firefox is placing a red line under "influencers," it's a perfectly cromulent word. Of course, complaining about lefty Orwellish tendencies while the current Administration operates is like complaining about smoking in clubs during a citywide toxic gas release.

-- The new religion of The Left, anti-Americanism, was founded for one reason and one reason only: to counter the incoming high tide of truth. Revolutions today aren't about marxist or socialist agendas. Today's revolutionaries cannot hide the truth any longer. So am I the revolutionary? Or are the Truthies? I might have to read this multiple times to get the full sense of it, or just watch 80s videos on YouTube instead.

-- And incidentally, since all The Left has to support its post-modern outlook is its collective personal experience, then contradict mine, please. If my personal experience says I win, I win, right? But never mind ... I forgot. I hate to use the same joke twice, but "It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!" (and now, the Ferris Bueller remix!)

-- Furthermore, The Left has an ugly tendency to attack women and minorities (and Rice is both) who don’t toe the liberal line. Hang in there, Condi, and give ‘em both barrels! Well, it must be working, because there are very few black women who seem to want to support Administrations that engage in warmongering plutocracy. Sorry, sisters, it's for your own good. I know how much you'd love to hitch your wagon to that train.

-- Since modern culture (read: The Left) has destroyed most of the shame and personal responsibility, as well as bred nihilism amongst the population and made religion “private,” there are very few value or moral structures in place to keep individuals from cheating and even being proud of it. That's right, scienticians in Left Laboratories have single-handedly invented cheating on one's spouses, a phenomenon heretofore unheard of in Western civilization. Now let's get out there and screw for nihilism, people! Chaaarrrrrge!

One can only imagine the damage I'll cause when the inevitable thaw comes tomorrow. Or maybe I'll just buy some bread to eat and nail polish remover to huff. Choices, choices!

Menagerie of Despair and Illogic

The Left attempts to poison some freedom-loving ducks (1975)

Every once in a while, I just like to pile the craziness together into one long, uninterrupted rant. It's only fair to the readership, to alert y'all about the various things I'm doing and not-doing to bring down this country. Links have been provided in order to remind everyone exactly how dangerous The Left is.

Ah, The Left should know about "show trials"-- [he] championed them and applauded them (and practically invented them), back in Moscow in the thirties... however, if The Left ever gets its chance to try Bush and Rumsfeld for war crimes, you can rest assured [he'll] consider those to be no "show trials" at all, but the fairest of fair proceedings. This divide explains why the wrath of The Left has fallen on those of us who lament the exclusion of the Bible at a ceremonial swearing-in of an American congressman. The Left wants to see that book dethroned. And that, in a nutshell, is what the present civil war is about. The Left has not a single clue regarding the impending dangers facing us regarding radical Islam and even more clueless on the importance of wining [sic] in Iraq.

The execution of Saddam Hussein served a compelling notice, one The Left will deny but which is true for all [his] bitterness; the Rule of Law has come to Iraq. The Left has tried very hard to deny that truth. We now have enemies that cannot and will not make Peace by design of how they fight and what they do. The Left has no solution, no value, nothing to put up to address that. Fear speaking of the enemy and you become enslaved by that fear. It has been my experience that The Left has hindered the right of free speech far more than The Right. [He is the one] that forced the Congress and state legislatures to pass so-called hate crime laws in the name of diversity and equal rights.

Finally, let's point out that these figures are one more reminder as to why The Left has been so committed to immigrationism: it allows [him] to get re-elected despite [his] poor record, by importing voters. A veritable rape of democracy.

If the preceding hasn't been enough to wake you from your treasonous slumber, join the local John Birch Society, draw up your own plans for ending the sectarian strife in Iraq, and harass a few obviously non-white people for no good apparent reason, I don't know what it will take (c'mon, the historical record speaks for itself!) I pretend to weep for our country.

The Left Arbitarily Increases His Traffic Through Elaborate Teases

You'll just have to use your perverted imaginations for now!

Once again, my (The Left's) insidious plan to destroy Christmas has failed, as evidenced by the fact that several hundred quadrillion gifts were exchanged over the last three-day weekend. It's a good thing that my maleficence is exceeded only by my lack of common sense and bumbling incompetence. It's still been a busy week, so here's your last rundown of The Left before the New Year... something else I'm trying to phase out in favor of the Muslim calendar... or maybe Tet. Previous editions of this severely tired and overplayed joke can be found here.

-- The Left has played right into al Qaeda's hands. Seemingly at will. If I have said it here before once I have said it a thousand times, terrorism is emboldened with leftists in power. All the more reason we absolutely cannot let an Americommie win the Oval Office in '08. I counted. It was only 867 times. However, I will be holding auditions for the sidekick role of 'Americommie' at my palatial East Austin condominium. Come one, come all, bring headshots and sandwich meat.

-- The secular left wants to extinguish God-based morality. The only way to do that is to drive Christianity underground. Hence, the War on Christianity. Hence, the War on Christmas. How well The Left has done its work of deconstructing marriage, the American family and traditional morality may be seen in three statistics. In the 1930s, married couples comprised 84% all households. Today, the figure is just under 50%. You might think that this is a Dennis Prager column. You might further think that there is some separate entity called 'The Secular Left,' but in reality it's just a cheap franchise opportunity I'm selling over the net. The Anti-Repetitive Left will be working on eradicating the word 'hence,' though, while destroying your marriage.

-- The question is: Are you going to give The Left what [he] wants? Or are you going to give [him] Mike Huckabee? Well, if he's anything like that movie I ♥ Huckabee's, then you will be doing me a grave disservice. In any event... a serious Presidential candidate who was governor of Arkansas? I'll have what he's smoking!

-- The system is unfair because The Left has to compromise. The Left sees the process of democracy as inherently unfair. Why shouldn't [he] be able to just decree higher wages for everyone? To take over entire industries and redistribute the benefits of capitalism as [he sees] fit? Why indeed? The Anti-Rhetorical Question Left should have sprung into action about halfway through that particular screed. In any event, he/she is probably right. Raising the minimum wage is massively unpopular with most of the population, who have thankfully enlisted various Chambers of Commerce and large multinational corporations to lobby on its behalf.

-- Lest anyone lull themselves into the belief that the left has dvd schrink telecharger chanson francaise femme mature sexe lingerie sexy Blog couple sexe amateur video sexe gratuite zip amatrice vente. This is by far the most coherent argument against my perfidy I've seen to date, even if it is just a collection of random pseudo-words to fool Google searchers into visiting a lingerie site. Then again, I have little room to complain, as I'm one of the top sites for "Stella Stevens nude images."

Remember: click through to read the posts at your own peril. The cumulative effect of the lo-traffic sites' laser-like logic and love of America may confuse and frighten my average reader, who has developed a Renfield-like dependence on my treasonous edicts. Or, you can try finding your own favorite excerpts using this search.

"The Left and Hugo Chavez Were In The Closet Making Babies..."

"...and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!"

It's been a little while since I, THE LEFT, have taken stock of the various ways in which I'm bringing the country down. And by "bringing down," I mean a general souring of everybody's mood, a harshing of the national mellow, and a thrashing of the hopeful mood and playful joie de vivre of lo-traffic reactionary websites. Here are but a few of the examples that have accumulated over the last several weeks.

-- Since G.W. Bush took office The Left has pelted him with criticism for “going it alone,” engaging in bi-lateral talks when they think multilateral talks are the answer and vice versa. Seems he can do nothing right as far as the foreign policy illuminati are concerned. Bilderbergers replaced my whole milk with skim milk and the Trilateral Commission put my bus pass in my jeans pocket so it got torn up in the wash and The Left keeps telling me to shoot small animals with an air rifle! When will the conspiracy end?

-- You know the propaganda The Left has been throwing at the American people every moment of every day of every year since the "cooling down period" began after we won the war. If these so-called elites want to report on real disasters they should visit the slums of Washington DC or South Central Los Angeles. Shorter medical version: "Hi! I just woke up from a coma I went into in March 2003! What'd I miss?"

-- And sadly, I suspect that the timing of [Mary Cheney's] was based upon politics. No, not the politics of her father and the Bush Administration, but the politics of personal destruction The Left has engaged in regarding homosexual Republicans and or homosexual family members of Republicans. You can click through to attempt to procure an explanation as to how I personally influence lesbian family planning (before then destroying the lesbian couple in a metaphorical sense), but I will warn that none is forthcoming.

-- The Jihadists, for their part, hate liberalism almost as much as they do Israel, but will use these Dhimmi fools to advance their cause. They knew that if they continued to fight that sooner or later some half-witted American liberal would start talking Vietnam, and America would slink away at the point of victory. So we are in the process of doing at this very moment. The Jihadists alliance with The Left has paid off. Explain that last part to me, and then explain the middle part, and then explain all the little words that appear to be underlined in red in my spell-checking browser.

-- In its never ending attempt to make a eunuch out of Uncle Sam, The Left has now caused the resignation of John Bolton as UN ambassador. A voice of conservative righteousness has now been silenced much to the joy of the mincing, malicious magpies of liberalism. Aside from the fact that Zombie Spiro Agnew is going to be hitting this guy up for royalties, the idea of John Bolton as national penis is genuinely heart-warming.

-- Aside from the fact that Jimmy Carter certified his recall election in 2003, The Left has been in love with Hugo Chavez, former brother paratrooper and current Venezuelan President. What's not to love? It's like Carlos Zambrano and Pineapple Pokopo had an adorable, beret-wearing baby!

You can try finding your own examples, or you can take a trip down archive lane as every possible perceived ill that has fallen upon Western civilization is blamed on me, a simple shaved ice purveyor in East Austin. A parting warning: remember to tread lightly upon the linked sites. They have a right to express their own opinions, unencumbered... at least until my lackeys in the new Democratic Congress pass the new... but I've said too much already.

The Left Eats Your Tear-Stained Recriminations Like They Were Candy!

Muy delicioso!

Now that my (The Left's) control over one branch of government has been solidified, despite the conventional wisdom that Democratic pick-ups only took place by running to the right, it's time to get down to business. But what's this? Are lo-traffic reactionary bloggers on to my plan, even in its embryonic stage? How can this be? I have been thwarted in my previous efforts, but now I have the added power of a FEMALE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE WHO IS FROM SAN FRANCISCO (and who is a woman and not-male)! Tremble!

-- Now that most of the shouting is over (with the Senate still in doubt but with Republican victory dubious at best), it will be possible for [me] to get back to its main mission of exposing the way The Left has infiltrated and corrupted our civic, social, cultural, and sometimes religious institutions to weaken the spirit of America, all the better to cause its collapse into some kind of atheistic socialist utopia. Good luck with that; you may have to quit your day job handing out streetside coupons in a gigantic muffler costume in order to really get control of my numerous schemes. Quick hint: it involves LSD in the communal wine. I've said too much!

-- The other thing I have noticed is the complete lack of graciousness in victory that The Left has. [He is] being just as snide, rude and sarcastic as [he was] in defeat. I don't care, I won those $50 in bar bucks far and square due to my superior knowledge of music trivia, and the rest of you dunderheaded proles can suck it. Oh wait, a different victory?

-- But it has been pointed out that The Left has no plan for months, years. No plan for Iraq either, by the way. With the attention span of MTV junkies, our country, like Nicaragua, will swing left again and hope to somehow eliminate poverty and disease overnight. Good luck. Gee whillikers, watching all those MTV Cribs episodes have taken precious time away from deciding how to avert a tripartite civil war with no available troops. I have developed a scheme for eliminating poverty and disease, and it's every bit as detailed as the one Gene Roddenberry put forth in 1966. That's why his skeleton is in my new cabinet.

-- As for the Iraq War I can promise you The Left is very likely are going to have a Vietnam Redux. We will very likely to cut and run and that will make Islamo-Facists very happy. We might just spit on our milltary like we did when they came home for Vietnam. It's true: I posed as a Republican delegate in Miami in 1972, thereby bending the laws of space and time, in order to hock a loogey on Ron Kovic. I've also thought of stealing their body armor and charging their families exorbitant interest rates on short-term loans, but some enterprising jerk beat me to it.

-- As for terrorism in general, The Left has always viewed it as a law enforcement problem, hence, [his] greatest concern is to ensure people who cut off heads in the name of god have their rights certified in a court of criminal law. Yes, it looks ominous. We've moved beyond that, I want to give them all tasteful (but halal-approved) gift baskets from Hickory Farms. It's now looking deliciously ominous!

As usual, tread lightly in the domain of any of our featured websites. They are simply anthropological, and in some cases zoological, artifacts and studies in helplessness before my (The Left's) awesome, country-warping power (you can hunt for additional examples here. I'm the Fin Fang Foom* of political movements!

* There will be a marked increase in Marvel Comics references in the upcoming months as I wind my way through Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. The Left is reclaiming his comic book-less childhood.