Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Absentee Father

Do what now?

Four and a half months since the last one? I hope Sunday Coupocalypse doesn't sue me for alienation of affection!

1. Cards by Ellen (DeGeneres) is a good way to finally tell that special someone that you thoroughly hate them and that your relationship is beyond repair. A cartoon Ellen telling you "If you take 'Happy Birthday' and scramble the letters, you get 'Paphy Dirtahby'" should be enough to do the trick.

2. Females of America! Are you tired of your drab physical appearance? Then scarf down a shitload of "Curves" Chewy Granola Bars, and you'll be looking like Jayne Mansfield in no time!

3. Looking for that special foodstuff to make going around in a fucking circle in a souped-up death car for four hours more exhilirating? Then be like NASCAR non-entity Tony Stewart and scarf down a whole bowl of Van Camp's Pork and Beans!

4. Today's personalized check of the week of the year is for every aspiring mad genetic scientist with religious hallucinations out there: Angel Faces! Finally, the wing grafts have taken hold!

4a. I mean, for all you know, their genes could have been spliced with these little monstrosities. Sure, they look all cute and coy now, but wait till your house and loved ones are on fire!

5. I know that most of a parent's job is grinding their children's self-esteem into its constituent dust, but getting their name imprinted on Dum-Dum Pops seems to be a little gratuitous.

INsert your own examples of crass commercialism in the comments; I haven't seen any television commercials in quite a bit because I'm on Season Three (out of seven) of Homicide: Life on the Street. So far, Edie Falco, Luis Guzman, and a sedated Robin Williams have made guest appearances!

Anyone For Sunday Coupocalypse? Wouldn't That Be Nice!

He's laughing at you, not with you.

Take THIS, corporate America! Previous Coupaocalypses here.

1. Would you like the concentrated power of all the polyphenol antioxidants in an 18-wheeler full of pomegranates in one bottled drink? I didn't think so. Avoid Pom. However, this product does stand in stark contrast with Fruit Gushers, some sort of kiddie snack that hasn't been within 100 yards of any organic material.

2. This upcoming Valentine's Day, combined with the Democratic mid-term pickups in the Congress, have let to Rick Santorum's worst nightmare finally coming true. Although those expecting 'love' from a typical housecat may be sorely disappointed.

2a. In addition, they have even reduced our towheaded, blue-eyed Lord and Savior to some a series of trysts with sheep in the personalized check series of the week. How come you can't ever send the gas company some whores and lepers?

3. The connection between two lesbian 7-year-olds (come on, where are the hiking boots?) and the ongoing fight to fund breast cancer research is tenuous, at best.

4. One of my favorite late-nite TV commercials involves those with poor credit histories only needing a checking account, two healthy kidneys, and an inability to perform simple math equations to get a "top of the line" computer. Congratulations! You've been Blue Hippown3d!

5. For some reason, Pantene is ordering me to: "Prep. Chunk. Flip. TEXTURIZE!" I don't get it! Why are you yelling at me with words I don't understand? This isn't hair boot camp! Am I going to have to eat a jelly donut while everybody else tries to get the tangles out of their hair for two hours?

6. With all of the attention in the sports world being focused on the coming-out of a journeyman NBA center, we sometimes miss the corporate spokes-Turks just under our nose who are so gay that they make gay people uncomfortable.

7. Kids have a difficult enough time transitioning to the crapper and TP lifestyle, so I'm unsure why it would be comforting to them that their new wipes are just like a miniaturized Golden Retriever puppy piloting a single-canine submersible into their rectal lining.

Fewer Valentine's Day-related coupon than one might have expected; maybe the marketers have realized that the people who pore over them, especially for comedic purposes, are loveless weirdos.

Soupocalypse Cow!

We have come for your cheel-dren! Sell us your wee-men!

Back from the ashes, it's my devastating take-down of American consumerism via poking fun the Sunday coupon section (previous editions, possible repetitive, here)! Tremble with fear, capitalist bosses! Popular demand! I caved!

(1) As we all know from the strange meteorological readings along the Eastern Seaboard, January is definitely swimsuit season, which goes a little way towards explaining why the Yoplait Light yogurt cup is wearing a polka-dotted bikini. Say it with me, sisters: I refuse to support objectification of active cultures!

(2) Gee, I wonder how they ever managed to amass a trillion-dollar empire?

(3) Lean Cuisine, always ahead of the trends (like Alvin Toffler in Future Shock), informs us, via their authentic Sesame Chicken Nuggets, that "Self denial is so last year!" This is going to truly usher in a hedonistic age of sensuous delights!

(4) Today's personal check series of the week is the misleadingly-titled Kitten Expeditions, which in fact shows kittens in various stages of revolutionary insurrection. From constructing secret underground lairs to manufacturing fertilizer bombs to convention-defying group sex, these little bastards are up to no good.

(5) Speaking of domestic enemies, I need hardly remind you that the various Red Hat societies littered across our country are conspiring over cucumber sandwiches to install some sort of forced-labor collectives over the rest of the population. What this has to do with creepy snowwomen melting from the inside through their ingested hot tea is, as yet, unknown.

(6) Hot Pockets has long been one of the banes of my existence, and their bullshit stamp of authenticity only serves to stoke my white-hot hatred towards their shitty foodstuffs. If you honestly believe that their Deli-Style line of disgusting frozen creations is "Deli-Man Approved!" (old quasi-ethnic guy in a weird hat included for emphasis), then you're part of the problem, not part of the solution.

(7) The Icy-Hot series of sleeves and creams represent "pain relief that's strong enough" for Shaquille O'Neal, but apparently not strong enough to reverse whatever fat-related injury has sidelined him for most of this season nor the national trauma that Shazam! inflicted.

(8) Olive Garden introduces their new Five Cheese Stuffed Rigatoni: Cheddar, American, Cheez-Whiz, kids' Mozzarella Sticks, and Toe-Cheese. When you're here, you're part of the family that nobody likes.

That was fun. Let's do it again in six months.

My Life Is Also Empty, But In A Different Way

As Billy Dee Williams once said on the audio commentary track for Nighthawks (where he clearly stole scenes from both Sylvester Stallone and Rutger Hauer), "you'll never go broke underestimating the ability of average American drones with meaningless lives to write into corporate websites with their dumb little 'I am the universe and my kids are fantastic and I keep such a good home' bullshit hints." To prove Mr. Dee Williams' point, I found the following home tips at the Unilever Transnational Soulcrushing Consumer Goods Concern, LLC website:

-- "For organizing in the bathroom, I purchase a little clear container with a silver lid to hold my Q-tips® cotton swabs. It looks very nice & my kids think it's neat to open the lid & get a Q-tip® cotton swabs. -- Cathy M."

I hate you and your rotten, easily-amused, earwax-infested children, Cathy.

-- "Preparation is the key to organization. In order to have a good start to the day, I prepare everything I'll need the night before. For example, I put one of my Dove® exfoliating pillows in the shower, so it's there for me to use. I lone up my Degree® deodorant, make-up items, and Q-tips on the counter for quick access. I do the same with my clothes so they are all ready to go as well. I found that I have a much better day if I can start it off with less stress. -- Denise B."

Also, not thinking about politics, global warming, the breakdown of society, the rottenness and venality of her lifestyle, and the possibility that she is being discriminated against at the uptown Hardee's helps the stress level.

-- "Keep things right where you need them. For example, keep Dove® hand lotion on the back of your sink and use it every time you finish washing your hands. Diane M."

Next week: how to temporarily blind two airport security guards with a pinch of pepper so that your precious Dove hand lotion isn't confiscated before boarding one's flight.

-- "Summertime good weather helps me exercise outdoors more than any other time of year. My friends and I meet at various locations for fun and fitness. Exercising w/friends helps us to be accountable to each other. I doubt I would exercise as much alone! Exercise helps me glow from the inside out... -- Colleen

That sounds like PCP, not exercise.

-- "I like to keep a basket near the tv with lotion, a nail file and nail polish. It is easy to use the beauty items during commercials, and I end up with soft skin and pretty nails as a result. -- Alison"

Wouldn't want to miss that pivotal 12 seconds of dialogue on Grey's Anatomy while high on nail polish, Alison. I know this world is killing you.

-- "Drink lots of water - wear sunscreen and wide-brimmed hat when being outdoors. -- Joanne"

So lighter fluid, Crisco, and heavy wool suits are out? Whatever!

-- "I keep my sunscreen next to my toothpaste. It sounds silly, but that is the best way to make sure I keep it in my daily routine. It is so important, but it is so easy to forget. -- Rita"

Hey, I think I saw that sunscreen/toothpaste reversal routine in A Fine Mess, starring Howie Mandel and Ted Danson. Comic gold.

-- "A pedicure is a must to start off the season. I schedule a pedicure every month - and choose a summertime coral shade of polish! I love to wear sandals, but you have to have pretty, polished toes to show off. -- Rita"

It's the law in California, America's petri dish of fascistic personal hygiene legislation. More in the extended entry, if you haven't already killed yourselves yet...

-- "Make sure I have a lovely garden in my yard. Put up the screen tent, Enjoy my Lipton diet Citrus flavor green tea drink. Have a great salad with Wish Bone's Balsamic Breeze salad Spritzer. Take a Dove Body wash shower when I get up in the morning. Put on some Vaseline Healthy Body Glow on my skin. Put on my Degree Deodorant. Go To work. Have a lunch at work, Bertolli Chicken ala Vodka & Farnalle. -- Verline"

You are not getting any free products here, Verline. Try your luck with some company that LIKES having its ass kissed, like Proctor & Gamble.

-- "If your kid has a backpack that weighs as much as she does, lighten the load by sending Lipton® Teas to Go. She can buy a bottle of water from the vending machine at school and add the tea for a flavorful drink she doesn't have to tote. -- Marsha G."

Maybe you should check to see if she's in some sort of paramilitary group first.

-- "We often have family night, and fall is no different. We start with some frozen pizzas, toss in a green salad with some Wish-Bone® Salad Dressing, and play a board game or watch a family movie. -- Jean L."

"Who's up for Bad Lieutenant?" "We are! We are!"

-- "At the end of a busy work week, I clean house and do laundry on Friday night in order to have a full weekend to enjoy my family. -- Sandra"

When they stop becoming enjoyable, then look out.

-- "Around my home I place beautiful outdoor plants near windows so that no matter what window I pass I get a lovely view of nature. -- Kathy"

C'mon, Jersey isn't that bad.

-- "During pool parties, I place towels in the fridge before handing them out for a cool treat as they dry off in the hot sun. -- Sarah"

I also imprint "WARNING: May cause apoplectic shock" to immunize myself from any lawsuits!

-- "When traveling with my 3 young boys I pack each outfit including, underware, shirts & shorts for each of them in a clear Ziploc bag. That way they are not tearing thru a suitcase & making a mess of the clean clothes. Bonus - their outfits match. I do not pack socks in the bags because alot of the times during the summer we are not wearing socks. -- Kathleen"

I have a feeling her definition of "bonus" may different slightly from mine.

-- "Make a chore jar and everybody picks a slip of paper. When all the chores are done, the family gets to play. When you share the chores, the family all contributes and feels ownership and then enjoys the playtime. -- Sue"

I would have dearly loved for one of my parents to ask me whether I wanted to feel the ownership of a chore.

"Mow your lawn alter 4:00 pm in the heat of the summer. -- James"

Thanks, James. Apart from the fact that 5-6 p.m. is generally the hottest part of the day in Texas, what are you DOING here?

-- "Cut fresh flowers from your yard and put them in a vase to have flowers around all summer long! -- Kristi"

It also sounds much too complicated.

-- "I grow fresh herbs (basil, cilantro) in pots outside my backdoor and clip them right before cooking. Dishes always taste better when fresh herbs are added to them. Especially a quacamole dip with fresh cilantro paired with a perfectly blended Margaritta. -- Michelle"

Finally, some advice I can endorse without ridiculing, especially the free booze part.

-- "For a simple delicious dessert from the grill, cut fresh pineapple into rings, cover in brown sugar, place on grill for 2-3 minutes, turn, grill for 2-3 minutes. Remove and serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Everyone will rave. -- Joan"

No, wait, everyone will rave from that mushroom fruit punch Kool-Aid.

"We like to make the shepherd's pie version of pizza - whatever we have leftover in the fridge gets put on a pizza - we've come up with some great new combinations this way and it's a great way to not only use up leftovers but also to encourage the kids to eat their veggies. -- Jennifer"

And to run away from home.

"Where I Come From, A Lab Partnership Is A Sacred Trust."

Actually, two of these characters are dead... the title characters.

Everyone rejoice as The Venture Brothers comes back for another season this evening, and similarly rejoice that thanks to one of their timely Season 1 quotes, this site is #1 in searches for "Gay Albino." And now, for a brief humorous respite before I begin detailing how we're all dead meat because of the effects of global warming, the less-welcome return of stupid Sunday coupons:

1. I'm generally sympathetic to the plight of older pets, who need little staircases to shed on your hard-to-reach furniture. I'm also looking forward to the bacon-scented mister with which you can spray your previous items to make sure they're thoroughly chewed up.

2. La Salsa, the latest in an interminable series of cruddy Tex-Mex restaurants that only exist way out in the 'burbs, asks "Can't make it to Mexico for dinner? We'll make it for you!" I'm going in for "Random Kidnapping by Nearly Autonomous Border Druglord" Thursdays.

3. Another city I hope to never visit, and a college whose marketing material I'm glad I ignored as a high school senior.

4. I'm not entirely sure, but do you think that there's the remotest possibility that world-class dreamboat Ted McGinley served as the model for the latest Brawny Man?

5. I thought that lifelike baby dolls had the market on abject creepiness completely covered, but damned if Labrador-ables (with the extremely tired bitch that breathes in and out while being sucked dry) hasn't carved out its own niche... in my heart.

6. Mismatched products and promotions: would you imagine that NASCAR, a sport three-hour unwatchable ordeal of left turns that involves constant sitting on one's derriere, would be sponsored by Van Camp's Baked Beans? Next up: the Ex-Lax Boston Marathon!

7. I want this image blown up to a subway-sized poster and then I want to plaster the front door of the Texas Governor's Mansion with it.

8. For all of you cat-lovers out there, here's the personalized check of the week: Cat-itude! Featuring, from top to bottom, "Capturing the Feral Kitten," "Chair 1, Cat 0," "I Didn't Know They Could Piss When They're Sleeping," and "If Truman Capote Were a Cat."

There's your now-monthly guide to the wacky world of discount capitalism. Enjoy them while they last, as they are quickly becoming tiresome to everyone but me and Ted McGinley.

Bronzed Wiener Dog Clearance Sale!

You'll shit yourself shitless with terror!

Everyone familiar with Sunday Coupocalypse? Well, too bad!

1. If you already had a Dachshund around, wouldn't this life-size figurine present certain territorial problems. If it was in rememberance of a fallen Dachshund, wouldn't it be exquisitely creepy? If you didn't like Dachshunds, why did you click through on that link?

2. Speaking of canine related-products, I'm wondering if somebody who was actively intent on destroying the Milk-Bone Corporation could have come up with a worse slogan than "Give Milk-Bone. Get 'Hoozmababy.'" Of course, having the advertisement framed by the agape mouth of a 50-year-old Anna Faris lookalike doesn't help either.

3. I can't believe Listerine is going against the grain by offering "less intense" mouthwashes. I want double X-tremity! Mouthwash so bracing that it eats through your flesh while you rinse and hangglide off a Himalyan mountain at the same time!

4. Personalized check series of the week: join the Hello Kitty craze about 12 years too late with the following series... Kitty Imitates Sid Vicious, Kitty Holds White Phosphorus Sparklers, Kitty Loots a Hardware Store, Kitty Took The Brown Acid, and Kitty's Cranium Was Invaded By An Alien Rabbit.

5. "Can a natural 'feel good pill' help shrink your BELLY FAT? The answer may surprise you." Unless the answer is another question, namely "Why are you looking for dietary advice in the Sunday coupon section?" or "Are you actually convinced by that ultrathin model wearing an oversized T-shirt?" then I may not, in fact, be surprised.

6. I'm not sure that I'm down with the latest M & M sculpture, Death to America.

7. You know that I'm your go-to guy for breaking news on K-Y products. This month, it's K-Y Sensual Mist, a product that you should place as far away from your Binaca as humanly possible.

This feature may have some down time until I can find a suitably disturbing Father's Day gallery on one of those photography studio websites.

"Are You A Hot Pocket Fisherman?"

What's my name, fool? (#4)

It's time for everybody with mothers to batten down your hatches as the Sunday Coupon section assails you with guilt, regret, and crappy merchandise. If you're a first-time reader here, where you been for the last 35 months? If not, you'll know that this is one of my regular, unloved features.

(1) When I saw the headline "Fish-Flavored Cake?" I was temporarily excited, until I learned that this phenomenon would be ELIMINATED by the operation of Dawn Odor Eraser. Mmmm... lutefisk bundt cake.

(2) The Proctor & Gamble family of products would like a very lucky winner to "Experience the Beauty Secrets of the CBS Stars." Strangely enough, I don't see Peter Boyle pictured. I guess I'll have to reverse-engineer his secret: be on the receiving end of several ancient Egyptian curses.

(3) Who is that horrifying orange Sesame Street character and why is he being allowed that close to children? Pretty disturbing, but nowhere near the most disturbing coupon image ever.

(4) You know, that picture up top is only there because I saw an offer by Oreck and his lightweight vacuums, where he's dressed like somebody out of the Heaven's Gate cult (black turtleneck, black slacks). But isn't that type of joke overdone by now? What would you say? "Can I bring a Oreck XL Ultra to the comet to vacuum up the excess ice and dust? It's so lightweight!"

(5) JC Penney Studios answers the age-old question: "What if my child were posed like the protagonist in the final scene of The Vanishing? But could we get some grey satin to make it look like a whore's burial?"

(6) Very few things can chip away at a 30something cynic's crusty exterior like a personalized check series based on the unending war between cats and birds. Working from top to bottom, I have puzzled the story out: the opening salvo was fired when a cat ate all the cardinals' seed and passed out in the feeder. The birds retaliated by kidnapping a kitten. The cats sent out their version of the Special Forces to ambush a pair of swallows by hiding in a mailbox. Finally, winter produced a temporary cease-fire, as the cats accepted dominion of the indoor world.

(7) If somebody you know owns this, please report them under Section 495(A)(iii) of Patriot Act IV. Joke previously made here, item #5.

And finally, a Sunday Coupocalypse Contest: how you re-design this T-shirt, keeping the corporate logo in tact?

"Bigger Slump And Bigger Wars And A Smaller Re-cov-e-ry"

I want a bonus fifth Maggie check: "This is indeed a disturbing universe"

We'll take a break this Sunday from the Hardy Boys re-write (collected in its own super-special category); perhaps everybody is tired of this already, or has seen the "goofy teenaged boys in constant peril" genre subjected to a better spoof in the form of The Venture Brothers. So we're back to the Sunday coupon section, an unfailing source of capitalist idiocy (other examples here). By the way, if I've accidentally covered the same ad twice or thrice, please let me know:

(1) Mother's Day is fast approaching, and the people at Glamour Shots want you to know that Mom doesn't have to be a dowdy, middle-aged hausfrau. With the experts at your local studio, she can copy your tired Mall Food Court skank look, thereby emotionally scarring you for years to come.

(2) As Wilford Brimley enters his third century on Planet Earth, he has a series of questions for you on behalf of Liberty Medical: "Do You Have Diabetes? Are You On Medicare? Didn't You Know That Oatmeal Cures Diabetes? Oh, You Won't Read That In Any Medical Journal, The Goddamned Pharmaceutical Companies Are Covering That Shit Up! It's Big... As Big As The Conspiracy In The Movie The Firm, Which I Starred In!"

(3) For all you granola-ass dog owners out there, you'll be happy to know that America's most beloved collie, Lassie, has risen from the celebrity pet cemetery to endorse Natural Way-brand dog food, which is free of animal by-products and untainted by artificial colors or flavors. I've said it before, I'll say it again: I'm not going to have your goddamned dustmop eat better than I do!

(4) Contrary to some of the nasty rumors spread by its competitors, glucosamine-rich Joint Juice is not comprised entirely of bong-water... although bong-water does taste better.

(5) If your Mom doesn't consent to a gauzy series of photographs, you could always enter her in José Olé's "Coolest Mom on the Block" sweepstakes; although I fail to see how poisoning neighborhood children with rancid horsemeat taquitos is "cool." That's not even edgy... it's just cruel.

(6) I may appear to be a coldhearted cynic through my internet persona, but deep-down I'm a huge sucker for figurines like the Hamilton Collection's An Angel of Mercy. What's she got in her adorable little bag? HOLY SHIT!! HUMAN HEARTS?!!? God's a filthy organ-harvester!

(7) Finally, a personalized check series of the week of the century that I can get with: The Simpsons. Unfortunately, the North Korean-style iconography and the beyond-lame quotes are real turn-offs. Might I suggest "God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert," "Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity. AAAA!!!", "Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over," and "Mom, am I a butch or a femme?"

Speaking of fighting the power, am I supposed to do something on May 1st? Is the East Austin Shaved Ice stand in the abandoned parking lot on Riverside going to be closed in a show of solidarity? I personally don't think that denying people a refreshing mango chutney ice treat is going to solve anything. Well, if my supervisor is reading this, please let me know in the comments.

I Still Can't Hear You, Numbnuts!

Sick, lady! Fetal ears?!? Put that shit away!

Time for another edition of Modern Capitalism As Told Through the Sunday Coupon Section. Each of these items holds a special, deeper truth. For instance: it may look like I'm making fun of a soft drink's overeager marketing campaign in #5, but what I'm really saying is "you too can prevent kidney failure*!"

(1) The ad for Miracle-Ear asks: "How many words are you missing...." before the words fade out, implying that people with hearing loss actually get the first part of sentences, but that you should choose your words carefully, as you will cut out within a few seconds. Incidentally, the ad shows a grandfather and his grandson on a pier. What if the lad is blathering on endlessly about the new game he got for his Nintendo DS? Believe me, it would be a blessing.

(2) After the rampant success of Dentyne Ice and Dentyne Fire, I'm looking forward to the refreshing grit in every chew of Dentyne Earth.

(3) Maybe I'm thoroughly uneducated on how a woman's fashion size should translate, pictorially, but if you can find a model above size 14 in this online shop specifically billed as "Fashion For Women in Sizes 14 & Up"... wait, don't do that. Instead, tell me how this picture appears when you click on "Sizes 30 & 32."

(4) It's spring again, and time for the uninspired corporate culinary asswipes at Fresh Choice to rotate the menu. Perhaps this is a question better directed at Antonio Banderas (or the ghost of Cesar Romero) but how exactly is low-fat Chicken Tortilla Soup "a treat for Latin lovers"?

(5) Presented without comment: "Special Delivery! All FUN-BUNNIES know the BIG TASTE of BIG RED is sure to bring out the F-U-N! Before YOUR FUN begins, be sure YOU HAVE plenty of BIG RED, BIG RED VANILLA FLOAT and DIET BIG RED sweetened with Splenda!" OK, one comment: Big Red causes S-E-V-E-R-E KIDNEY DAMAGE in LAB MONKEYS*!

(6) The WD-40 family of products presents a new.. well, it's not a contest as far as I can see.. promotion: "Operation Household Clean-Up!" Get in on the ground floor of tedious housework before the name is snatched up by the Pentagon for the 184th insurgent-sweep in Samarra in 2007.

(7) I'm always constantly amazed, surprised and revolted by customer-submitted testimonials; for instance: "The HOT POCKETS Sub tastes like it's from a bakery. It doesn't taste microwaved... it tastes like fresh bread. Which is weird, because I know it isn't! Is there something wrong with my taste buds? Holy shit, I should see some sort of tongue specialist! This is fucked up!" (Barb B., indeterminate location)

(8) Have you ever become so enraged by the process of writing a check to the cable company that you just wanted to strangle the whole world, one person at a time, with nylon hose until each of their bodies went limp? Well, me neither... but if you know somebody harboring these feelings, this series of personalized checks probably won't help.

Submissions from your own wacky coupon section are welcome in the comments. Unless they're unwelcome.

* In the off-chance the Big Red Corporation has lawyers, I'm just kidding! I know you guys skip the monkeys and go straight to testing on humans.

Special Double Bonus Sunday Coupon Degradation

Do what now (#9)?

The question is: will this edition of Sunday Coupocalypse drive away twice as many readers as the normal version? I certainly hope so not. For the uninitiated, this series seeks to crawl around in the compost heap of modern capitalism, and we all end up nice n' stinky:

(1) Neopets Islandberry Crunch. Apparently this is some sort of breakfast phenomenon based on some fake animal phenomenon that the future of America (the children, I guess, not the robots) know about, but I don't. I'm cold and frightened.

(2) SC Johnson, who promises "help for the family hero" (a Latino housewife in her early 20s who's pulling dishwashing gloves off of her hands, an experience which is apparently bringing her orgiastic delight), has an online publication called the Clean Home Journal. Get on it, ladies! Random home inspections coming soon!

(3) When I saw a product called "Grins & Giggles," I thought that marijuana brownies had finally hit the mainstream after discovering a loophole in the Controlled Substances Act. Sadly, no! It's just some sort of milk & honey body wash for white babies.

(4) Not since the Carthiginians razed Sicilian villages in 300 B.C. (don't check to see if this is accurate, I'm just misremembering a past-life story from Patton) has there been an assault on Italy like Hungry Man Triple Faux-Cheese Lasagna with Pseudo-Meat Sauce. If you have actually finished off one of these, and your colon is miraculously in tact after 48 hours, kindly contact me (no pictures, please).

(5) For my money, there's nothing quite as adorable as the new Precious Moments figurine: On My Way To Get Passed Around Like a Bowl of Popcorn at a Biker Rally In Sturges!

(6) Prilosec OTC, the corporate inventor of the unwanted prize giveaway (item #1), really outdoes themselves with the Victory of a Lifetime Sweepstakes. One "lucky" winner will get to see 20 Nascar Nextel Cup series races, or the equivalent of three-and-a-half days of watching cars go in circles in backwater mid-sized Southern cities surrounded by idiots who went to see the Larry the Cable Guy movie.

(6) Ever crashed after taking three hits of acid, eaten ten helpings of green bean casserole with French's french-fried onions, and had the most fucked-up dreams imaginable? Did they look something like this?

(7) We have practice captions, how about practice outrage at a weird consumer product? Try this on for size. If that doesn't get your juices flowing, try this instead.

(8) Hey ladies! Get... funky. By the way, when did turquoise get elected Color of the Year? Did they lose my ballot in the mail? Coral, bitches!

(9) Is it wrong to be attracted to a CGI-rendering of the Sun-Maid raisin girl? I don't know, but I'm going to try and make a Sim of her. Someone please go back in time about 20 years and tell 13-year-old me that I typed those last two sentences.

(10) Since everything's doubled this week, there are two personalized check series you should consider buying if you're among the 13% of my readership that has a checking account:

(a) Lock up your crazy fundamentalist second cousin: it's the Son of God series! Watch as their paltry savings magically increases through the divine intervention of The Lamb! The lame artistic renderings include Please, Give Me Money; Maybe I Can Sell This Kid for Some Money; Maybe I Can Sell This Kid for Some Money II; and Got Any Money?

(b) If you like Rita Rudner, Rugrats, and 4.5 hours of Oxygen Channel programming per day, you're sure to barely contain the vomiting of delight at Mary Engelbreit personalized checks. Time to use the chemical eye-wash.

Can The Sunday Coupon Section Be Funny*?

I said don't look at it! Now you're blind! You so stupid!

Of course not! If these six examples don't convince you, there's a whole category full of this crap, waiting to bombard your eye-socket...

1. Clairol Nice N'Easy color boosting glaze. Just don't accidentally drizzle it on a slice of gourmet cheesecake; it's fatal if ingested or looked at incorrectly.

2. This week's personalized check series of the new millenium is Sistas, celebrating the precisely four archetypes that define every single African-American female in the entire country: Halle Berry wears a cute ensemble with pink cowboy hat, Theresa Randle can't decided whether the turned-up collar is an ironic nod to the bad fashion of the 80s, Erykah Badu channels Cyd Charisse, and holy shit Li'l Kim busted out of the joint and found some knee-high cowboy boots. I am setting up a PayPal account just to accept donations so I can buy a thousand of them.

3. I wouldn't eat Grape-Nuts Trail Mix Crunch cereal if you paid me. That is some seriously nasty shit that looks like it could shatter my teeth in about 23 different ways. Plus, these side effects (explosive rage, impacted colons, little tiny Christina Aguilera monsters) look a little dicey. What, it's "..as seen on The Apprentice with Donald Trump"? Sign me the fuck up!

4. I can't wait to here the free "Music & Sleep Tips" CD from Dr. James Maas that comes with every purchase of Tylenol's Simply Sleep. I think he's dicking around on the four-track with an original mellotron and some spoken word stuff culled from Steven den Beste's archives.

5. Selected articles from the Oprah two-magazine parlay (O and O At Home): (a) Dr. Phil: Can Your Husband Be "Just Friends" With Another Woman? How The Fuck Would I Know? (b) Ah, Men! When Will They Be Expendable? (c) The Non-Diet Diet: Eat As Much As You Want, Whenever You Want, and Watch Those Pounds Pile Up! (d) Small Spaces [anything under 40,000 square feet]: Make Every Hectacre Count! (e) Smart Entertaining: The After-Party Party and Those Cute Ass-To-Ass Implements.

6. I don't want to be accused of being anti-Catholic, but there's something very wrong with the Mother's Birthstone Charm Pendant from the Limoge's Collection. The mother's stone holds the place of honor, and the childrens' birthstone charms wrap around her heart. There are seven on the example picture. Say it with me, people: It's a crude, feline term for female genitalia, not a vehicle that conveys an improbable number of circus performers**.

* a question asked by Vestal Vespa in her blogroll. The answer's no, dammit!
** "It's a pussy, not a clown car***".
***You didn't just read that.

Sunday Coupons On A Plane!

Still cheaper than crack!

About once a month is right for coupon-related musing-related program activities, right? Plus, I'm beginning to think that those cheapskates at the East Oltorf Gas Station of Indeterminate Corporate Affiliation are removing the good ones before putting the Sunday paper out for sale. Other examples here.

1. I'm pretty sure that the "Introduction to Rabbit Taxidermy" series of photo set-ups you can get for your child at JC Penney Studios may be a little troubling and/or psychologically scarring, but this child seems to be getting into the spirit. The one in the coupon seems to be poking at the dead and stuffed rabbit, and may start crying in a matter of seconds.

2. Tony's Pizza informs you that, by eating their pizza, you can "get more than just great taste." Apparently, by barely choking down one of those miserable, foul-smelling, soggy little cardboard sheets, you get +3 character-building.

3. The following is an actual product name: Malt-O-Meal Mini-Spooners. I'm not sure they can take Herve Villechaize's nickname like that without paying his estate some royalties.

4. "Spread joy and hope wherever you go with these inspirational Thomas Kinkade personal checks... much like America's favorite schlock-artist spreads urine all over alleyways after drinking too many Cosmopolitans."

5. An energy supplement called Pure Protein? I haven't run into a case of false advertising that blatant since my run-in with The Never-Ending Story!

6. Today's advertisement of the week has to be the do-it-yourself aromatherapy, gently advocated by a "doctor" who looks like some sort of mutant hybrid between NKOTB's Joey McIntyre and this cokehead I knew in high school. Obviously, it takes the cutting edge of medical science to develop tubes of scented airplane glue called "Uplifting Bergamot" and "Mellowing Vetiver." I prefer to hand-crush my Vetiver, whatever the fuck that is. Read more about it here and laugh... laugh... laugh.

The Greatest Hits of the Coupocalypse, Volume One

Caption : "A frog wiping his butt. Thank you, Sunday coupon section."

I may have been shocked out of doing the Sunday Coupon feature by the image being used to hawk the new line of Pampers' Kandoo Shampoo and Body Wash for kids. See the cartoon frog up there? I had a previous encounter with him in one of the very first Sunday Coupocalypses. Well, imagine him mounting the back of the head of a really creepy vampire-child who is in the middle of washing his hair, all with the caption "I Can Do It Myself!" This either sounds like an joyful affirmation concerning his bath-time skillz, or a cry for help intended to get a grown-up to enter the bathroom and prevent the cartoon frog from continuing to hump his occipital lobe. There have been some good times, though:

-- describing a Long John Silver's hush puppies as "the devil's own turd;"
-- Newman's Own French Ticklers;
-- Adorable Homeless Couples series of personalized checks;
-- the Talking Teaching Teddy: :Squeeze my groin and I maul you!"
-- the Wal-Mart Potrait Studio advertisement featuring the fuggly family in matching candy-cane scarves and Dickensian chimney sweep hats for the children;
-- the new official motto of Sunshines Cheez-it crackers, "Cheez-it up, Cheez-dick!" is delivered by some sort of half-asleep cartoon junkie;
-- the yellow ribbon refrigerator magnet that says "Support Our Straight White Troops" and the red, white and blue ribbon refrigerator magnet that says "America Is The Land Of The Hypocrites;"
-- the stubby, claw-like appendages at the ends of Doris Roberts' arms as selling points for Palmolive Oxy Plus Dish Liquid;
-- "Cutlery Fundraising Is Your Answer!"
-- "Take The Stain Challenge And Get An Unbeatable Clean! Don't Agree? Then Go Fuck Yourselves! Present Proof Of Self-Fucking And Your Next Purchase Of Spray n' Wash Dual Power is Free!"
-- Slice's Plasma Fizz, Mountain Dew's Xtreme Mouth Wound Discharge, and Fanta Sparkling Tomato;
-- Banquet, the Long John Silver's of frozen food, has introduced its new "Crock Pot Classics" with the unforgettable slogan "What A Fucking Crock!"
-- Cosmetic Lab Sales' Power Slimmer, a product that will possibly kill you as it snaps and re-snaps your spine, is advertised by a cartoon Juliet Prowse in a burgundy leotard and a cartoon Bruce Jenner circa 1976 in navy blue nad-huggers.

More retrospective to come? Who knows? P.S.: Still averaging about one vote per ten hours in the frenetic Koufax Award semifinal sweepstakes.

Brown n' Bubbly, Smooth n' Fruity

That's it, Mr. Mittens! Chase the dragon!

Preliminary note: I saw a couple of Super Bowl commercials, and found them severely lacking. Of course, they once again prominently featured inexplicably stupid people doing something completely unrelated to the product being hawked, an advertising paradigm developed by a disease-ridden inmate of an asylum for crimnal lunatics. They just don't have the rag-tag, trash-appeal aesthetic that draws me to my beloved Sunday coupons. Well, except for Puff Daddy and Jay Mohr featured doing a shitty rap song for Diet Pepsi. That's so completely tired and useless, it could just work as a one-sheet in the coupon section.

(1) After reading Aunt Twisty's interesting plan to freeze worldwide procreation (I don't know for sure, but that was the gist of the couple of comments I read), one looks for commercial devices making the prospect of birthing a mewling, mutant child so horrid that people will dismiss it out of hand. I think little William helps.

(2) You don't often read testimonials to Hot Pockets. However, Jill M. of Denver, Colorado had an existence so bereft of meaning that she felt compelled to write "I can't believe this soft baked bread came from the microwave!" The only interesting reading is if she believes that her microwave is (a) magic or (b) a Star Trek-style food generator. Bonus challenge: try looking at the featured Hot Pocket Sub and try not to permanently lose your appetite.

(3) Purina PetLover? That's an interesting niche market. Does it include erotic oils, scented like three-day-old bacon?

(4) Were you aware that the Expandable Shoe offered by Dream Products, Inc. was the first of its kind in the world? That it feels better than walking barefoot, and has silky soft cushioned comfort? That it's pleasantly gentle on bunions, blisters, swollen feet, hammer toes, chafing, and dry heels (picture links gracefully withheld)? Sorry, I got nothing. Except don't doowatchyalike, go see a foot doctor to-nite.

(5) Do premium cigars usually have the names Diego Excremento, Vómito Perro, Pulmón Putrefacto, or Enfermo Cubano?

(6) Seriously, people. Somebody explain how a product such as this could ever possibly be purchased in any situation apart from a passive-aggressive "I hate you" gift to some crappy relative or fake friend. My previous attempt at an explanation was here (item #7).

(7) To all the cat-lovers I count as readers, linkers, and friends, I present the Cat Claws Scratching Pad. The advertisement seems to have an implied guarantee that your furniture will be saved with the purchase of this product. Is this a realistic goal, or just a function of the fact that your cat will be turned into a listless junkie by the liberal amounts of hydroponic bubonic chronic catnip placed on the pad?

You know, pull out your own Sunday coupon section and share your favorites. Shit, make some products up. I don't care.

"Pinch the Tail. Suck The Head. Burn in Hell."

Famously wielded by He Who Listens To NPR In His Chevy Tahoe.

More Sunday coupons for your consumption. I seem to be veering towards the "hate" side of the love/hate pendulum this week. Gone is the whimsy, only the tortuous demographics remain.

1. "Win Richard Petty's Sweet Race Car From Sue Bee Honey!" That old, drunken codger and patriarch of the Hot Wheels circuit must have some sort of powerful $300-a-day honey habit to start offering up the poontang-mobile he used to troll trailer parks with back in the 70s.

2. Be the first honkey with a guilt-ridden Native American fixation on your upper-middle class block to own the Season of the Wolf ceremonial tomahawk. Feel the guilt from your country's multi-generational oppression of these proud people melt away as you use it to... I don't know... chop celery or something. Remember: a portion of the proceeds from the sale of this item go towards enriching multinational corporations.

3. For some reason, the strange titling of Gorton's Shrimp Temptations only reminds me of a David Cross line from the lifeboat sketch of Mr. Show: "Before I die, I'm gonna fuck me a fish!" Or should I see this as a spiritual crisis, e.g. The Shrimp Temptation of Christ?

4. Vivian Vance as Ethel Mertz: "Fred, says here, PacifiCare will pay your $250 deductible!"

William Frawley as Fred Mertz: "If you're try to get my attention... it worked!"

Me as Desi Arnaz, Jr.: "Haven't both of you been dead for decades? What kind of advertisement for a prescription drug benefit is this?" (Fred and Ethel disappear in a poof of logic)

5. Be sure to get to your developing child some cheap-ass software, including the fantastic title: "My First Bible Stories." I can't make out all of the examples, but I think that "The Horny Bigamist Shepherd," "Devoured by Wildlife," and "The Penitent 19th Century Barber" are included.

6. I know that everybody over the age of 110 will be delighted and enchanted by the Shirley Temple Playpal doll. Be sure to get the accessories pak, which includes the adorable little pink baseball bat with which she beat up on Bill "Bojangles" Robinson when she thought he was getting uppity.

7. I'm enjoying Nabisco Snack Crackers a lot better now that they're advertised by the quarterbacking Manning family. It's like they're deliciously salted with abject, yokel, whining failure. And salt.

Two AFC Teams in the Super Bowl? How Is This Possible?

Be a M&M’S® Brand Character Green Beauty Queen with this cute black mini skirt with green flower accent. Skirt features a side drawstring waist. 100% cotton. 12" length. Junior sizes.

Big game fever is taking a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry between the sea-faring hawks of old Seattle and the manufacturers of steel products from Pittsburgh spreads like wild-fever through the Sunday Coupon section! This... this is writing?!?

-- I'm as giddy as the next person that Oil of Olay has come out with their new Ribbons Body Wash; the question is whether they'll try to further go after the niche markets with Studded Restraints n' Ball Gag Body Wash.

-- Be the very first person on your block to own a genuine Dr. Seuss Mutant Tree! I'm sorry, I'm always a little skeptical about places that would need to show their organic products via a series of illustrations.

-- I'm a little perplexed by Bush's Homestyle Chili's newest slogan: "Looks like homemade. Tastes like homemade. You'd never guess it was horse anuses and Eastern European orphans!" (note to Bush's Homestyle Chili's august legal team: I am, as they say, judgment-proof)

-- "Borne from the fiery depths of the underworld, the fire-breathing dragon was believed to be an all-powerful creature that fiercely guarded his precious treasures and constantly battled mankind in a legendary battle of good versus evil!" To reiterate: this... this is writing?!?

-- I tackle this week's spotlight personalized check series with a feeling of trepidation: the Red Hat Revue not only highlights a dangerous secret society that makes the Freemasons look like a church picnic, but I have it on good information that my own mother has been ensnared. She may even be a 12th level Red Hatter by now, privy to the secrets of international finance and how to properly eat a cucumber sandwich in a local tea room.

-- I'm always happy to highlight any new K-Y product; in this instance, it's the 2-in-1 Warming Touch Massage Gel (just in time for Valentine's Day!). However, the accompanying picture and internet-based tips seems to imply that two separate people (i.e. a loving couple) are needed to fully enjoy this product. Well, I call bullshit.

-- Speaking of high romance, the fine folks at the M & M Chocolatier and White Slave Trade Concern have a special offer for Valentine's Day: a personalized message on every candy. The example given in the ad is "I Love Amy Day." I hope there are more options, or that girl named Amy down in Accounting who I've only observed at a careful distance is going to be hella-creeped out.

I need to remember to start looking for new television commercials as our great national holiday approaches, although I am partial to the lo-tech, trashy ideas and products expressed in print.

"Oh, Snap! No They Di'int! A Boneless Rib Sandwich!*"

Tastes like pureed cow patties, with half the nutritional content!

It's been quite a while since I pointlessly dissected items in the Sunday Coupon section (archives here). I think we needed that time off from each other, so that I could approach them with the right amount of incredulity.

1. I'm not sure of the relative pros and cons of different brands of protein shakes; AdvantEdge (a horrible play on words) apparently enables people to compulsively jog while forgetting about their bills, plumbing problems, pending e-mails, business meetings, their children, and grocery shopping. This sounds like a secondary plan for the destruction of America contained in the deleted scenes from the Platinum Series Red Dawn DVD.

2. I've run the Long John Silver's advertisement through the high-quality scanner, and I'm pretty sure that the "More" in the $3.99 Shrimp & More dinner is comprised of clay-colored mud, three-day-old sun-dried cottage cheese, and ox testicles. Wait, those are the shrimp.

3. Do you know any obsessive-compulsive comic book collectors? If so, get them to pick up a copy of Scrubbing Bubbles #28, with artwork by (insert obscure artist only obsessive-compulsive comic book collectors know about). SPOILER ALERT: the penetrating foam even cleans in crevices.

4. Were any of you Giants fans wondering how your team got shut out by the Carolina Panthers last Saturday? It may have something to do with Tiki Barber's endorsement of Mini-Toasted Open Subs with Cucumber Yogurt Dressing. And lactose intolerance.

5. Today's personalized check of the week of the century comes to us from the fucked-up world of contemporary country music: it's Kenny Chesney! Be the first on your block to have your payment to the cable company adorned with a beard-craving dillhole who likes to wear capris on the beach!

6. Thanks to the good folks at Picture People, your beautiful bundle of joy can adorn a Valentine's Day Card worthy of a survivalist nutcase up in the Cascade Mountains who is stalking a young starlet.

7. I'm all for the insane collection of adorable porcelain sculptures, but I'm afraid that Lenox's new creation, "Into The River With You Guys!", is in extremely poor taste.

8. I wouldn't ordinarily link to something as pedestrian as Valentine's Day teddy bears, but the names used as examples in the print section are: Skyelyn, Cooper, and Sloane (absolutely not kidding). Are parents naming their children this? Does somebody have a Super Platinum edition of Red Dawn where this is a tertiary America-destruction plan?

* everybody needs to watch a repeat of this week's Boondocks on the Cartoon Network, which does a "what if MLK woke up from a coma in 2000 and had to deal with all this shit" alternate history.

How 'Bout Them Sunday Coupons?

Zombie Barry White Santa returns! He can't get enough of your egg nog & cookies, baby!

If you like old Christmas pictures, the first batch is up over at the Flickr account, including a tribute to the worst Christmas holiday tree Evergreen-American of all time (more pics and explanations here). Meanwhile, the budget-conscious shopper can continue to find opportunities to shock and appall gift recipients with the ideas from the Sunday coupon section:

(1) What better way to pay tribute to the fish-vomiting denizens of the Antarctic than with a March of the Penguins special edition carton of Minute Maid orange juice (no link available)? I mean, a baby penguin with a scarf hiding in a box and handing his gay father a half-an-orange? Priceless!

(2) JC Penney studios continues their assault on my sanity by unveiling their holiday portraits, including one where your infant can be cradled by some white-gloved stranger who lives on a magical estate far from public scrutiny.

(3) A little off topic, but it's never too early to keep a running log of Chronicles of Narnia product tie-ins. This week, we have Energizer batteriesand Brawny paper towels. Who can forget when the intrepid children are saved from the forces of darkness by this pair of 100-foot-tall guys? And the whirring from C.S. Lewis' grave grows a little louder.

(4) For the annoying sports-fan brother-in-law in every family: the Dallas Cowboys charm bracelet. The charms include: a football, a jersey, a crack-pipe, a needle full of Jerry Jones' Botox injections, a helmet, and a Bill Parcells sequined man-brassiere.

(5) Maybe you can take out a marginal acquaintance or distant family member for lunch at Fresh Choice restaurant, where something called a "Holiday Ham and Cream Cheese Lavash" will remind them that you really don't know and/or care for them that much.

And remember: nothing says "I really, really don't like you" like holiday personalized checks.

When You Care Enough To Spend the Very Least

Holiday fever has finally gripped the Sunday coupon section. If you're a cheap bastard like me, some of your most inspired, unexpected gift ideas can come from these glossy pages, including:

(1) Talking Teaching Teddy: Squeeze him and his mother mauls you!

(2) Mystic Maidens Personalized Checks: Let's see, you've got "Look Out Behind You, There's a Giant Translucent Deer," "Cocaine Is a Hell of a Drug," "Epic Battle Between 500-Foot Maiden Who Can Summon Lightning and an Ill-Tempered Bald Eagle," and "Hey Lady, I Just Raked That Pile!"

(3) Safe+Kill Mouse Killer: Finally, for the family who is repeatedly losing children because the little feral brats are eating the sweet poison out of the bait traps.

(4) Devotional Traveler's Set (link not available, but here's the parent page): Includes the infamous "Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly" keychain charm. But what if you're trying to lose your guardian angel, who's drunk as hell and dropping brimstone bombs on your Reliant-K?

(5) Amethyst Jewelry Set: The best part of this gift idea is... it's FREE! In addition, you can use it to rope one of most hated enemies into some sort of jewelry-of-the-month club from which they can never escape (unless they fake their own death!)

(6) Renuzit Airlets: It's not for the priceless gift of sickly-scented Apricot Fondue or whatever the hell comes with one of those things, it's for the recipient to win a chance to get a timeless holiday DVD classic like "Mr. Magoo Emmeshes Tiny Tim In The Grill of His Town Car," "Frosty the Snowman's Last Deal Gone Bad," or "Stop-Motion Anatomically Correct Abominable Snowman Model and Yukon Jack's Holiday Interspecies Gaystravaganza!"

(6) Ladies' Hooded Suede Jacket (scroll down): It's hard not to believe advertising print like "you'll love the cozy fleece hood than can be worn up or down." Because it's all about being empowered through choice, women of America! That's a message recently-skinned cattle can get behind.

(7) Puppy Frame: You know, there may a very special golden retriever-owner that would absolutely not completely despise a holiday gift like this (her canine charge is pictured here). Once I run this past my team of lawyers to decipher all of this interminable Cottonelle fine print, she should get it by Christmas 2008.

In the holiday spirit, I am also donating the priceless gift of photographic self- and other-embarrassment with old Thanksgiving pictures! Recommended if you like seeing eighties-hair feathered like the wings of a majestic bird.

I Don't Care If It Rains or Freezes, Long As I Got My Plastic Fetus

I sure hope they like my "When Will I Die?" series of printed chips.

(1) Great googly-moggly, they're printing Guinness Book of World Record trivia questions on individual Pringles potato-chips (running to fetch dust-covered Bible). Yep, it's in there. Duck and cover from the heavenly hail, people. What's more, they're actually actively soliciting your ideas for other things to print on their chips. I pick: all-time tasteless pick-up lines! Hand them out at parties!

-- “You look just like my ex-wife!”
-- “Me and my wife have an open marriage.”
-- “Guess what! I can fellate myself!”
-- "That’s a nice dress. It’d look even nicer crumpled up in the corner of my room."
-- “Baby, are those space pants? Because your ass looks out of this world!”

(2) The Wig Company [TWC] asks us: "Why pay more for your wigs?" Oh... I don't know. So you don't look like the offspring of Sasquatch and Barbara Mandrell? Although I am seriously giving a look to Medium Chestnut Brown.

(3) The Personalized Check Design of the Week of the Century comes to you courtesy of the people at Artistic Checks: it's Boyd's Bears! This harrowing depiction of our ursine brethren on the fringes of society includes: Homeless Slacker-Bear; Checkers, the Senile Elder-Bear; I Don't Believe In Birth Control-Bear; and Two Bears Re-enact a Scene From Ironweed. UPDATE: Holy shit, I've just gone blind.

(4) [non-coupon-related] Are the male youth of America significantly dumber than I thought as it pertains to the connection between purchasing a consumer product and getting laid? Then explain TV body spray commercials!

(5) I have a fairly lengthy list of mortal enemies in the advertising, television, film, and radio industries. However, I think that I might need to add the people at the JC Penney Portrait Studios. ANybody that can pose a happy couple and their plastic fetus like this (apparently just hit with sleeping gas) deserves the nation's eternal contempt. Not that real babies fare much better.

(6) Insofar as I am a fully licensed and bonded barrister in the Republic of Texas (certificates online for $4.95), I think I may have stumbled upon the next great consumer class action lawsuit. The picture accompanying the Lysol Sanitizing Wipe has a sick lady blowing her nose. This is obviously meant to emphasize the importance of sanitizing every motherfucking thing in site to prevent the spread of illness. However, what if somebody mistook this subtle direction and starting blowing their nose with the wipes themselves? We'll be millionaires! And by we, I mean me!

(7) Coupon Contest! Please explain, in 4500 words or less, the connection between Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce and the opportunity they give you to win a $15,000 diamond. You see, the slogan "Unwrap A Gem This Party Season" is wholly unsatisfactory.

I should mine my 295-bechanneled television for additional ideas, but I have a visceral, negative reaction to the ongoing motif being used: stupid, whiny, dumb, assholish characters do something really asinine in an attempt to make the consumer feel superior to a television actor (further explained here). Then a completely unrelated product is introduced in the last 3 seconds, usually accompanied by a voice-over with the words "Hey" or "Yeah" used to grab your attention, insult your manhood, or goad you into purchasing the shitty product. I'm not playing dat that.

Outraged at the Lack of Outrage At the Coupon Outrages

Prostate cancer gave me they did!

Only hardcore fans know what this insanity is all about. For the uninitiated, check the highly comparable archives...

1. I thought that with the theatrical release of Revenge of the Sith, the long national marketing nightmare of bearded cob-nobbler George Lucas had finally come to an end. Of course, I forgot about the DVD release (and the remastered DVDs in the year 2009). To coincide with the November 1st unveiling of another 2.5 hours of CGI, we now have Darth Vader promoting M & Ms with "glow in the dark wrappers." Are you skeptical? Well, there's Yoda in the bottom corner, confirming that "Glow they do!" And Boba Fett stands in silent assent with his arms crossed.

2. Speaking of things over-marketed to the point of unrecognizability, how about delighting absolutely nobody with your Simpsons' Christmas Village? Isn't this a case of a concept that refutes itself?

3. I'm a little unclear on the concept of Adidas Active Body Wash. How exactly does one "experience Adidas in the shower?" Does it mean getting kicked in your soft areas by a dozen soccer cleats, or having Run-DMC bust through the wall with their patented unlaced sneakers?

4. I may not be the world's foremost medical scientist, but could somebody please piece together this picture and its connection to treating impotence? I'm asking for a friend. As far as I can tell, it involves Astroglide, 18 plastic washers, a vaccuum tube, a videotape, a lifelike doll (not pictured), and a bathroom bag. And something pointy.

5. Do you know somebody with Footprints in the Sand earrings? Why? Can we legitimately send these people to camps under the Patriot Act, along with Mickey Mouse Leader of the Pack figurine-owners?

6. Holy Mother of God, I sure hope that I can find an online link to this horrific JC Penney's portrait studio picture I'm looking at right now. Basically, it's a young Laura Dern with some sort of NASCAR guy (both clad in black) with WHAT APPEARS TO BE A BABY GROWING OUT OF THE GUY'S CHEST LIKE THE MARTIAN MYSTIC IN TOTAL RECALL. OK, here's the main page, I haven't found it yet.

7. I'm sad that I used up my monthly allotment of what the fuck on the previous item; it could have been used for the Bradford Exchange's Spirit Hunter knife-like implement (something like this). You can "take it in your hands and grasp its power," partially due to its being "richly embellished with feathers and beadwork" and partially due to "your being a gullible crap fetishist."

Sorry, no personalized check of the week of the century. I think I've run through most of the craptacular designs, and they're not coming up with any new horrors for us.

UPDATE (?) Unbelievable 9th inning in the Astros/Cardinals game, with the Astros taking a 3-1 series lead with a tight 2-1 victory. You can make this an open baseball/sports thread if you want (I know that there are plenty of exciting Chicagoans and Houstonians right now).

The Triumphant Return of Sunday Coupocalypse

Demand perfection from your children before indulging them!

If you're a new reader, this particular feature may seem odd... a useless waste of time... the demented ravings of a diseased mind... the nonsensical ramblings of a grossly unproductive individual. Alright, I get your point. For a primer, check out this section of the archives...

1. According to Gerber's Grins & Giggles Baby Wash: "Sometimes, you just have to stop and smell the baby." I assume that Gerber will indemnify me should I attempt this little trick on a stranger's child in a public park.

2. If the World's Oldest Good Luck Bracelet, complete with built-in magnets that are scientifically proven to remove $10 from your wallet, really works, then how come the Sung Dynasty isn't around anymore? Were their built-in magnets no match for the large clubs and crossbows of the Monogolians?

3. Quick question: are people that take advantage of the variety of stamps from the Republic of Guinea under the delusion that they're starting a profitable enterprise born or made? Did you really want that vintage 1982 Charles-and-Diana stamp, or that series honoring the work of Sergeant Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies?

4. Want to bring back the memories of your wonderful vacation to Italy? Then you probably should have taken some pictures/video of your experience, rather than trying to eat some bullshit seafood scampi Corner Bistro Frozen Dinner from Stouffer's.

5. How can you deny the parental appeal of Juicy Juice's extortionate slogan: "Don't they [your children] deserve the very best?" I mean, there is a significant chance that your child will grow up crappy even with 100% juice flowing through their digestive system. And didn't Clint Eastwood once teach us that deserve's got nothin' to do with it? Just get them some blue drink in a one-gallon bottle and you won't need to worry about spoiling them.

6. Following Aunt Twisty's lead, today's horrible fashion item is the Silhouette Slimmer Pants, available in woodrose, grey heather, navy, plum, willow, and black. Your ass may appear 6% smaller, but you'll also look like some hausfrau playing golf on a public course in 1974.

7. This week's personalized check of the century: Eva's Kids Too... four enchanting designs featuring small children being eaten by flowers that are guaranteed to horrify your drycleaner into a coma.

8. Who's up for a round with Oil of Olay's Regenerist microdermabrasion and peel system? I mean, shit. It sounds scientific.

Justice Sunday Coupocalypse

Not legal tender. Placement of coin on railroad tracks constitutes high treason. You may not swear at the coin, use it in a "quarters" drinking game, or insert it into a fraternity pledge's rectum.

I have important news on the Justice Sunday II front. According to the webpage, it no longer appears as if Lee Greenwood is going to be playing the event, leaving the burden of entertaining humorless, delusional theocrats to Rebecca St. James and Jet "Indeterminate Gender" Williams (left). This event is starting in a mere two-and-a-half hours, and I can only imagine how nervous Jet must be at this point. I know that the Sky Fairy transcends time and space, and is omnipotent and omnipresent, but we need to get those prayers starting for him/her. Somewhere, in the ground, decomposing for the last 50 years, the corpse of his/her grandfather, Hank Sr., is watching under him/her.

And now, for the best of personalized checks advertised by the Sunday coupons:

-- Why not prove your rugged individuality by ordering the Disney Classics series of personalized checks? All your favorites are here: "Tinkerbell Gets Tore Up From The Floor Up," "Bambi Gets a Cold Blow Job," "I'll Bet He Talks About That Stuck-Up Bitch Behind Her Back To His Friends," and "Fairy Godmother Uses Five-Finger Discount at Nordstrom's."

-- And don't forget about Disney Classics II (for the younger set): "Who Knew The Cowboy Whose Name I Can't Remember Was a Bottom?", "This is Not How Nature Works," "Ariel Is Counseled Out of Getting Tail Augmentation Surgery," and "29 Layers of Compatability My ASS!"

-- Have you ever had trouble telling the various NASCAR racetracks apart? Well, this series isn't going to help you at all. I think all four are called "Boring-Ass Oval Encircled By Gawking Idiots Watching Hot Wheels Turn Left," and it's located in the state of Kentuckisee.

-- Endangered Young'uns. No part of the money you pay to order these checks will be used to actually un-endanger any of these animals.

Finally, in the shadow of every non-registered Republican mistrusting and being disappointed in the current abortion of an Administration, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that you have a last chance to procure the George W. Bush Re-Election Coin. The advertisement even lists his notable accomplishments: (1) 43rd President of the United States; (2) first President of the 21st century; (3) leader in perilous times; (4) our Commander-in-Chief. And what would you be willing to pay for this piece-of-shit pseudo-collector's item? Absolutely nothing at all? Well, you're in luck! Check your coupon section for details!

Chew Up Barney Rubble! Chew Him Up Good!

Not included, as per Health Department regulations.

Just a few Sunday coupons to let you know that I'm still thinkin' about 'em. Because it is important to loosely continue really lame themes that pretty much nobody likes if you wanna get paid in this profession:

1. "Help Your Child Achieve Super Hero Potential" with new, great-tasting Spiderman vitamins! Real radioactivity and spiders in every bite!

2. What better way to say that you fantasize about the untimely demise of children than "Heaven's Little Blessings," the series featuring the hereafter's tiniest angels!

3. Didn't I already do something about holiday figurines featuring Santa paying tribute to Anglo Jesus five months before Christmas? Never mind, I'll let the description of the item provide the humor: "And in a meaningful gesture, Santa has removed his metal-framed glasses, for he no longer needs them to clearly see God's love, set gently before him." The name of the figurine is "The Greatest Gift of All," although I suggested "Two People With Fictitious Powers."

4. In one of those tie-ins that was obviously stuck to the bottom of the "in" box in Disney's marketing department, little girls nationwide are being informed that they should "Thank Goodness For Princess Power" in... wait for it... a box of Kleenex adorned with a picture of Sleeping Beauty. "Too Cool Not To Have For School!", indeed.

5. Holy shit, that's it? I need to watch more TV, or maybe somebody could comb their own paper for sublime craziness.

Son Of The Ghost of Sunday Coupocalypse

Arrrrrr!! 'Twas no hush-puppy, that was the devil's own turd!

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Coupons! Coupons! Coupons!

1. Long John Silver's is back in full effect with their one-sheet of coupons that get you a slight discount on disgusting meals. It's headlined by the "New Popcorn 'Shrimp,'" advertised with the tantalizing motto "'Shrimp' In Every Bite!" with a smaller disclaimer, "the extra set of quotation marks under the word 'shrimp' are meant to denote that we really don't know what all goes into these overly-deep-fried sea-nuggets."

2. Nature's Bounty Vitamins has an interesting motto spelled out in Scrabble tiles: "Fill In What Your _ody Coul_ B_ Missing." Will have to call in sick from work as me and my Cray Supercomputer work on this impenetrable puzzler.

3. I am totally stoked about the new Native American line of collectibles called "Anglo Children With Black Wigs Rest Up Inside Of Oversized Basketball Net." By the way, I'm not sure that that I want to catch my dreams, which are a seldom-remembered collection of Lynchian death scenarios.

4. What could possibly top the Kellogg's Cereals line of personalized checks ("Neutered Tiger Soldiers On," "A Disgusting Amphibian Jumped In My Milk," "Three Midgets Play Sexual Politics," and "Toucan Displaced By Deforestation Sells Out")?

5. Oral Roberts wasn't bullshittin' about the 900 foot Jesus! Let's get the fuck outta here, Ma!

6. Public health warning for people affected by Hurricane Dennis: remember to boil your water, and if Der Wienerschitzel sends a charity van into your neighborhood with free chili dogs, run inside and re-board your windows. Call the National Guard and shout "NO!" like some woman in a YWCA self-defense class over and over through a megaphone.

Also: everyone has a whole new realm in which to leave comments; new photos being added every day to my Flickr page. It's mostly strange family pictures at the moment; I just need to edit and clean up some England '92 pictures for an in-depth "how not to spend your semester abroad" tutorial. The direct link is now at the top of the sidebar.

Stellan Skarsgård Demands More Chicken Alfredo Pizza

Don't you actually have a real estate empire to run?

Sunday coupons back with something a little less than a vengeance... maybe a grudge, or a prankish disposition:

(1) Donald Trump asks us to take a whimsical adventure in imagineering: "If All Cleans & Softens can soften me up... imagine what it can do for your laundry!" Did it do that to your hairpiece as well, Mr. Trump? Then I'll pass.

(2) I know that probability dictates that I've mentioned Chuck E. Cheese and their disgusting food products pimped by a badly animated pseudo-funk band populated by varmints. Their advertising, however, seems designed to keep people away: a flying rat with biker gloves and a "pizza" so bland that it appears to be some sort of aged lemon tart.

(3) Speaking of infestation, what could better put you in the mood for the X-mas season in June than a porcelain Christmas tree swimming with disgusting little Yorkies? Twenty-four in all! No, you can't see a picture of it.

(4) "'Pop Up' Security Wallet ACTUALLY MAKES YOU MONEY!!" The causal connection between a men's accessory and financial independence is so self-apparent, that no explanation is actually proferred in the body of the advertisement. So I'm buying 100 and retiring.

(5) More conclusive proof that my brain is not working: when I saw the two attractive, young couples sitting conspiratorially around a table and the tagline "Share Something Good This 4th!"... the fact that the advertisement may actually refer to the Tostitos they were eating and not wife-swapping did not immediately occur to me.

(6) For those of you who simply can't wait for Scooby-Doo 3: So Very Tired to be released, here's this week's Personalized Check Series of the Century; in order: "I Think This Means He Has a Digestive Problem," "As Close As Shaggy's Ever Coming To Getting Laid," "One of the Advantages of Being Neutered," and "Hold On, Gang, We're Almost at the State Line!" P.S. Did you think I was shitting you about Scooby-Doo 3?

All Packed In A Flaky Crust of Despair

Don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue. For the love of God.

This week's Sunday coupons, screaming for blood:

(1) "What's new from the hollow tree?" I dunno, a family of raccoons? Squirmy aphids? Somebody finding the skull of a labor organizer who disappeared in the 1930s? Nevermind, it's just the fucking elves from Keebler. And they're hawking Fudge Stripes, which is older than the hills, but comes in a new package. Awesome.

(2) And now, for the personalized check series of the century of the week. This time, we have the overexposed, tiresome characters from the movie The Wizard of Oz, in, from top to bottom: "Running Away from the Radioactive City," "Remind Me Never To Shroom in This Forest Again," "He Can't Talk Without His Butt-plug," and "Lion Goes Apeshit."

(3) Honestly, doesn't seeing this just make you want to retch?

(4) Noted gastroenterologist and country music cheesedick Phil Vassar informs us that "you can't sing from the heart with frequent heartburn" in support of Prilosec OTC. I'd like to also venture that listening to lyrics like "Cause dreams can grow wild/Born inside an American child" don't do much for one's heartburn either.

(5) I've mentioned previously that I am personally a little creeped out cartoon bears who wipe their ass in the woods with Charmin Ultra. The fact that there now appears to be a whole family of these animated ursine shills, each with their own character arc (at least in my imagination), is also disconcerting.

(6) It's seasonal, regional culinary demolition season at Fresh Choice. This month's stop: the Mediterranean. I'm sure that faced with a lifetime of eating Athenanian Summer Greek Salads and Aegean Cherry Almond Triangles, Socrates would have hemlocked out a long time before his corrupting-the-youth trial.

(7) Similasan, the most X-treme of all homeopathic remedy purveyors, informs you that their new product is "Not Your Mother's Ear Wax Removal!" Step the fuck off, mom! Me and my clear ear canals are gonna be inline skating, parasailing while on fire, and juggling chainsaws!

I Think That's Called a 'Queef', Mother

Where the men are men and the collies are nervous!

(post title taken from Mr. Show outtakes: get the DVD, because I never want to see Bob Odenkirk in another Miller Lite commercial!) And now, tales of woe and despair from the Sunday coupon section:

1. Do androids dream of electric sheep? I'm not sure Philip K. Dick ever answered that question, but Ziploc Freezer Bags do dream of being filled with red mystery fruit-like substance and green slime.

2. Call me a naif as it pertains to the human digestive system, but I think that Van Camp's Baked Beans are fundamentally incompatible with uninterrupted family fun at a Six Flags theme park.

3. "Man, this cookout sucks. I can't believe Jim invited my ex-wife! I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and die." "Chill out, Fred. I'm about to Pour On The Fun with Hunt's Ketchup." "OK, I'll swallow my gun later."

4. Our Gourmayo odyssey continues to the Orient, where the mad scientists at French's have combined the spicy taste of wasabi with the flavorful tang of horseradish. Please read the disclaimers involving you and your colon on the back of the E-Z pour upside-down bottle.

5. Ladies, using TRESemme professional affordable salon products is just like having a guy that looks like a strung-out Mickey Rourke crossed with Mallory's boyfriend from Family Ties massage your hair and scalp with his greasy, seldom-washed hands. Which is a good(?) thing.

6. Hey, here's my chance to tell you that I think that George Lucas is a fucking hack; to wit: he makes movies that look like video games, except that video games generally contain better dialogue and more convincing acting. Maybe it has something to do with this ad I'm looking at where Yoda is levitating a cylinder of Lay's Stax potato chips.

7. Although there is no current pictorial representation, trust me: there is a collectible "Aggies Victory Balloon" 2005 Christmas ornament coming out. Nowhere in the ad does it describe what "victory" this is supposed to commemorate for that collection of dimwitted horse-pleasurers in College Station. Go ahead, I'm waiting.

8. Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It's Danbury Mint ceramic zombie Pope vs. Ashton-Drake ceramic zombie pope! Two figurines enter, one figurine leaves!

Have Some Finger Food, Napoleon III!

All I really ever wanted for Christmas...

And the abstract Sunday coupon section sez...

-- Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with Jose Ole! Because nothing says victory over your oppressors like the time that an entire garrison of French troops was poisoned by a bunch of disgusting little frozen Taquitos with some sort of strange, shredded mystery meat inside.

-- You can tell that Miracle Therapy Gloves from Dream Products, Inc. really work, because there are little white puffy lines coming out of the hand model's glove, indicating that arthritis is farted out of your fingertips.

-- The personalized check series of the week involves everybody's least favorite rammed-down-our-throat romantic couple of all time, Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara. This progression of barely varying checks ("I Got Me Some Rohypnol", "Ever Had A Finger Up Your Cornhole?", "I Can't Believe She Drank Another Doctored Mint Julip! Damn!" and "T'aint Nothin' Better Than Hot Widow Sex") should make you the least popular person at the E-Z Mart.

-- I may not have put this together as quickly as I should have, but is having a verminous mascot for an establishment that specializes in children's food-related entertainment a wise move? Sure it's a big costume, but does having a gargantuan rat hand off a pizza to you enhance your appetite?

-- This is the first ever Caterpillar doll. No, not the creepy insect, the creepy child that collects tractors. Just imagine that thing on someone's end-table. Staring at you. Wanting you to join in on the fun.

-- Pedigree's Fresh Breath Oral Care Treats informs us that "Your dog's teeth aren't just for eating." That's it. No follow up. Similarly, Kellogg's new Fruit Streamers informs concerned parents that this is "The Fruit Snack Your Kids Will even Clean Their Room* For!" (*What are you, the worst parents in the Western Hemisphere? Are you really that desperate for ideas? )

-- since I, for a time, went to the University of Texas, I suppose that I am one of the people who are supposed to reflexively fork out $125 for a Texas Longhorns porcelain Christmas tree. Put only if it has a tiny porcelain Mack Brown at the base of the tree, opening a tiny porcelain Christmas present from Oklahoma Sooners coach Bob Stoops, and inside is an even tinier note that says "This coupon good for one (1) ass-kicking in Dallas next October."