Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Chronological, Gapped Videography

1991

1994

1996

1997

1998-2007(?)

2008

New album out in August, see you and them at La Zona Rosa in late September.

I'll Take Captain Ukelele to Block, Chuck

Random tunes on the tiny machine, in video form. Citizen-musicians filling in for professionals where no other video available, and sometimes when they are available.

1. 2. 3.

4. 5. 6.

7. 8. 9.

Favorite is #8 in a landslide. Most shameful is obviously #5. No wait, #6.

BONUS NOSTALGIA: There are like eight of these Federated commercial compilations, featuring the limitless talents of Shadoe Stevens. Could somebody watch all of them for me and tell me where they show the archival footage of the Russian dancers with the temporary theme song "Fe-derated gets you more.... AH-ha-ha-ha-HA"?

Random Monday Wall Of Videos

1. 2. 3.

4. 5. 6.

7. 8. 9.

10. 11. 12.

Sorry there's so much 80s shit... but that was the Golden Age of Video, after all. I think I like the live Gary Numan and Tubeway Army (#3) best; the first minute before the synth-guitar kicks in sounds like the background music to some Atari 2600 game. I was going to say the biggest surprise was finding a corresponding video for the Wire song (#11), until the Status Quo thing came up (#12).

Hush Hush, Eye to Eye

As the backroom deals commence for some sort of power-sharing amongst the political elites, we are again reminded of the overarching lameness of our two-party system (the dying one hung onto by bloated plutocrats and the "what the fuck, I can vote once every four years" one). in reality, the crushing lameness following the Democratic victories in 2006 have only moved us from a one-party to a 1.15-party system.

Switzerland has... well... this many alternatives. Seymour Skinner could select from eight different monosyllabic laundry detergents before having his precious underwear stolen by hoodlums. I myself can, with minimal effort, devise a quadripartite "preferred look" contest for a marginal 80s pop persona.

Let's start! Should we select "feathered warrior from a dystopian future" Limahl or 9021-Limahl?

Santa Limahl, the patron saint of Norway, or lightly-hipper-than-usual entertainment lawyer Limahl?

I personally like the earnest self-sufficiency of Ian Ziering-Limahl, who can carry an entire music video with only a crappy fog machine, a three-level parquet disco floor, and an aquamarine polo. If necessary, he can select Cruella de Lauper as his running mate to assure smooth gender sailing.

Weak

Elias Otha Bates, 1928-2008.

Belated props to the Duchess (Norma Jean Richardson, 1942-2005), featured in each of the above videos.

Change of Topic

I feel that I am now in possession of the ONE VIDEO* by which all video wars can be ended. As a bonus, it has a Simpsons tie-in. First to guess that in the comments wins a significant cash prize**.

* data points:
1. guy with the Eriq La Salle Soul-Glo and starry cut-off sweater (0:04)
2. one gigantic Egyptian amulet earring in one ear, small earring in the other (0:12)
3. some slimmed-down, Caucasian version of Chong Li from Bloodsport, being physically restrained and electronically jolted by the band (0:33)
4. Apollonia, if she were outfitted by a Spencer's Gifts in the mall (1:01)
5. background vocals by Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life (1:36)
6. a rare appearance by Cutty from The Wire in red short-shorts (1:44)
7. is that a fucking mermaid? (1:51)
8. MC Hammer, in purple, before he was a star (2:26)
9. the fourth implementation of the "Phantom Zone" cut-away technique (3:09)

** as soon as those advertising dollars start rolling in. In any event, I was wrong about the connection, it's in this video (itself a candidate for instant suicide after viewing) instead.

Prescient Eighties Anthems for P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Day 2007

Was the state of our miserable country foreseen by the early pioneers of music video? Forget all of the professional protest artists, the more photogenic half of Hall and Oates had all the Nostradamic answers for the state of our country back in 1985, assuming you've had the equivalent of three trayfuls of pot brownies. No, really, listen to / read the lyrics! Could he have been talking about Reagan? Predicting the re-emergence of the movie-star eyes of Fred Thompson? Ever notice how "wake up" and "shake up" rhyme? Think about it, sheeple!

Or was I thinking about Huey Lewis? Wait a minute, wrong video... the last link contains the award-winning acting of the future Mrs. Pierce Brosnan! Perhaps Johnny Cougar, before he became a complete cheesedick sellout (I heard another lyrical version of This Is Our Country, Wetback! and it gave me explosive diarrhea). I fight the urge to punch the television during jingoistic Chevy commercials, and the urge to punch the television during jingoistic Chevy commercials always wins.

Sorry I'm a bit disorganized here, but I think that Roxanne may have had a standing request for some vintage Butt Rock that is completely, thematically unrelated to the point I was originally trying to make in this post. But which of Europe's twin masterpieces was she clamoring: Carrie or Cherokee? No time to check the comments on the previous post; I'll just post them both:

"Today I settled all family business... so don't tell me you're innocent, Carlo." Feel free to dick around in the comments rather than have your day commemorated for you. It's open swim!

UPDATE: If it's politics you must discuss, then how about deciding on a sixth birthday present for America 2.0? A new bike from Montgomery Ward? Velcro baseball gloves? An Atari 2600? No? How about some unfiltered, Soviet-style propaganda? Every juvenile ex-constitutional republic loves that!

UPDATE II: More things to detract from the invective that's no doubt being hurled on sites people actually read and care about...

Here's a way for you to test whether that shifty-looking person in your office is a cyborg: tell them to watch the above two videos, then retreat to a safe distance of 1000 yards. If, afterwards, their eyes and ears are not bleeding, they are in fact a mechano-person. P.S. The second video, as a part of my masterplan, has disabled the worldwide gaydar satellite array. Let ambiguity reign!

God Didn't Make The Li'l Grey Hamsters, And It Don't Rain in East Austin in the Summertime

Time for Friday music and pets. Firstly, queue up the digital jukebox, hit shuffle. For the first ten available songs, find a video on YouTube of the songs' performance if possible (click on a corner to get a full-sized video on the main site). Stay tuned for a question for you, the esteemed readership, and hamster-related programs of mass destruction-based activities...

1. Where Have All The Average People Gone? by Roger Miller. I really think that he doesn't get enough credit for his inventive songwriting and subtle social critiques, especially when you consider the jingoistic state of idiot country music today. A kindred spirit to Johnny Cash, as you can see in this video.

2. Slow Death by The Flamin' Groovies: Lord only knows which lineup this was (I think the video's from 1972), but as a commenter on another video said, some Groovies is better than no Groovies at all. One of my favorite bands, roots-rock or otherwise.

3. Alright by Supergrass: Couldn't find a video for their Zombies-sounding She's So Loose, so we get their debut instead. No idea why Oasis made it big instead of them... too British?

4. Search and Destroy (cover) by The Dictators: Five billion videos of people farting or performing hamsters, and only one video of this great band... and the sound isn't even close to being synched up. Fantastic.

5. Ain't That Just Like A Woman? by Louis Jordan: A rock star before there were rock stars, shown here in one of those World War II-era proto-videos. His influence can't be understated, from the mixing of blues and pop, to the phrasing (and opening guitar lick) which must have struck a young Chuck Berry.

6. No Milk Today by Herman's Hermits: One of my enduring guilty pleasures, as HH vinyl was some of the more tolerable out of my parents' collection when I was a kid. Plus: this is a live performance! They didn't suck that bad!

7. Bad Scene by Ten Years After: Alvin Lee may not have been a great lyricist or singer, but damned if he wasn't a kickass guitar player. This video is the product of me trying to find something that wasn't from Woodstock or that lasted 12 minutes. P.S. Alvin's still around, to answer some of the commenters to the video.

8. Mista Dobolina by Del tha Funkee Homosapien: A rap video without champagne, rump-shaking, something above a nursery-rhyme level of lyricism, and more than one style sample (Parliament, jazz, gospel) going on at once? Must be the 20th century! Livin' in the past!

9. We're a Happy Family by The Ramones: Aside from being the Happy Furry Puppy Story Time community theme song, this video apparently comes from a live performance in Houston in February 1977. If only my parents were hipper, they could have dragged me there for a belated 4th birthday present. Any Houst-orians have an idea which club this could have possibly been?

10. The Ocean by Led Zeppelin: Looks like outtake footage from the 1973 concert that spawned the Song Remains The Same movie. A lot of songs on the Houses of the Holy album do have that one extra beat that makes them undanceable, don't they? P.S. The four-year-old who won his heart was his daughter Carmen, who's nearly 40 now. Time flies!

You can all join in by commenting on my offerings or spitting out your own random playlists... or not. Maybe I'll get back to the crap-rock video death-march later on. If you'd like a Friday Musical Question to chew on instead, how about: Name a band that you initially despised, then started liking, and are now in the third stage of regretting your re-appraisal (i.e. you're right back where you started in disliking him/her/them). My offering: R.E.M.

And now, on to the tiny rodentia... eight pics (click on the thumbnails for a full Flickr entry) and two lo-quality videos, one of which isn't even oriented correctly:

A Very Two-Thirds British DVD Reviewlets

Now with two-thirds more outsourcing!

1. Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story (d. Michael Winterbottom, 2006): Appropriate review by our friend Roger Ebert here. Some witty commentary from Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon which continues the tone of the movie (one-third straightforward adaptation, one-third Christopher Guest-style mockumentary, one-third surrealism). It will take about two viewings to get all the references and separate fact from fantasy; you hardly notice that it's Jeremy Northam playing the director until he's had a few scenes. Winterbottom might have a few false starts in his career, but overall he's been one of the more interesting and prolific directors in the past 15 years.

2. Performance (d. Nicholas Roeg and Donald Cammell, 1970): The review summing up my relative disappointment with this film is here; I had probably seen about half of the film before, thanks to a documentary on artiste Donald Cammell, who conceived of the daring project. James Fox is terrific, Mick Jagger is a giant bore, and leading lady Anita Pallenberg could have done something if not forced to strip every three minutes. Not much in the way of extras, apart from a 45-minute making-of documentary that wildly overpraises and overstates its importance.

3. Ace in the Hole (Criterion #396, d. Billy Wilder, 1951): Review here. Not Wilder's best work (although prescient given the state of cable and local news today), mainly because I'm not all that fond of Kirk Douglas' acting... and the fact that there's no strong enough actor to really provide a foil for him. Terrific extras, though, including a commentary track and numerous documentaries and interviews about this titan of a director on a second disc (including some great afterthoughts by Spike Lee, of all people), in that this is the first title of his to be featured on Criterion.

Now your turn!

Labor Day Special: Shit Rock, Category The Second

Some bands and artists become shitty over time, some are hatched shitty. These are the hatchlings:

Lady in Black by Uriah Heep: You've got to love those bands that plow ahead, oblivious to any intervening musical developments. What's sad is that this is probably the most listenable song in their catalog.

Still the Same by Bob Seger: Well, it might not be fair to say that this creature was always shitty, as evidenced by the late 60s performance of Ramblin' Gamblin' Man captured here. However, the title of this song describes most of his output of the last thirty years: still the same pseudo-deep power ballad that resonates with God knows who.

Free for All by Ted Nugent (here with the Damn Yankees): His completely repellent views on everything aside, this is actually one of my favorite mindless songs of the 70s (original vocals were by Meat Loaf). However, most of his output is for the sweetly brain damaged younger brothers of Bob Seger fans.

Roll With the Changes by REO Speedwagon (live in some medium-sized arena with Styx): Two shitty birds with one crappy stone.

Where Are You Now? by Nazareth: If you didn't know better, you'd put this in Wuss Rock. But also consider that this the band responsible for cowbell-heavy Hair of the Dog ("Now you're messin' with a son of a bitch!") Or don't consider it. No big deal.

Rock Me Tonite by Billy Squier: Like a bad Robert Plant David Coverdale impersonator singing over the top of a pre-programmed song from a Casio keyboard (that's malfunctioning).

A decidedly Midwestern feel. I know that there are plenty more candidates from the mindleess AOR genre; their albums fill the 99 cent bins at countless record stores and flea markets. As everybody has plenty of time this Labor Day, I want to see tons of confessions in the comments. Guilty pleasures will not be spared. A second round will most assuredly be forthcoming.

UPDATE: How could I have forgotten Toto? WITH MICHAEL MCDONALD?!?

That's the goods!

Dishonorable Mention

Some leftovers suggested by the commentariat for the burgeoning and unloved genre Shit Rock (Category 1). I didn't always select the most obvious examples, but the meaning is clear: they'd do anything for a buck:

Infatuation by Rod Stewart: Certainly Rod the Mod's decline had begun long before this, but in this song, he's barely even singing. And he looks about as ridiculous with that perm as anyone I've ever seen.

Sacrifice by Elton John: The depths to which he would plunge (Disney theme songs, for God's sake) were still to come, but this silliness of this synth-laden, drippy offering is only matched by his hat.

Never Let Me Down by David Bowie: The Thin White Duke apparently doesn't have some sort of royalty-based immunity. Forgot about this one, didn't you?

Can't Stop Falling In Love by Cheap Trick: As painful as it is to say, given the brilliance of their few three or four albums, most of the 80s output of Cheap Trick could constitute a virtual wing of the Shit Rock (Category 1) Hall of Fame.

Call of the Wild by Deep Purple: I actually prefer the annoying voice-overs from the (rather inventive) video to the absolute slab of dying mediocrity that's playing. If only Deep Purple felt the same about albums in the mid-80s as they did about videos.

Wasting My Time by Jimmy Page: Snore. The 80s, all things considered, were not kind to my once-favorite guitarist and producer of all time.

Man, I'm exhausted. Not from typing this, but from watching the fallen greats. I think things will pick up in terms of gleeful vitriol when we can all start piling on the bands and artists that have always sucked in Shit Rock (Category 2). Or, if you want, keep piling on the examples in the comments; I fear I've barely scratched the surface.

And Some Thrust Shittiness Upon Themselves After De-Toxing

Just to remind everyone... Shit Rock (Category One): "This will usually refer to bands who had a good late 60s/early 70s run, only to be phased into obsolescence by the advent of disco, punk, and later metal. Usually characterized by the now coked-up, debt-ridden bands trying to appropriate new musical styles (i.e. finding a synthesizer) from the time period 1976-1986, mostly with disastrous results."

Touch and Go by Emerson, Lake and Powell: Look, I like this song (against my better judgment)... but it really has none of the kinetic energy or pretentious ambition of the early albums. I think there's an equation about the number of keyboards being inversely proportional to the quality of the music, isn't there?

Gemini Dream by The Moody Blues: You see what I'm going for now? For some reason, this recalls the phrasing of ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man, and all I hear are synths, despite the fact that most everyone seems to have a form of stringed instruments. 100 doses of the stuff that gets caught in my spam filter couldn't cure this flaccidity.

Jane by Jefferson Starship: It would be easier to pick on their 80s abominations, but the long track record of Starship's sucking began in the mid-70s. Did they always have a castrato soundalike for Grace Slick waiting in the wings? All the punch of Toto!

When the Heart Rules the Mind by GTR: Indispensable to the discussion of Shit Rock I is the early 80s supergroup... Asia is the easiest target, but we shouldn't forget about Steve Howe's second collaboration with somebody from times past; in this case original Genesis member Steve Hackett. Just soak in the crapitude. A young Dave Coulier on vocals, and some dude's wearing a medal.

Winning by Santana: I'm not sure, but I think the guy from the Spin Doctors is immortal and singing with Carlos! Apart from that, this ditty is completely stripped of any sort of Latin flavor, infused with a tired, by-the-numbers guitar solo, and festooned with inspirational lyrics found in a 99-cent self-help book. Fleh.

Emotional Rescue by The Rolling Stones: A late addition to the Shit Rock gallery of used-to-be stars, but there's no denying that they had the farthest to fall... and indeed did with this discofied excrement. At least Harlem Shuffle had some interesting animation courtesy of John Kricfalusi.

Now, I'm not saying that the bands shown here as originally constituted were necessarily any picnic (your mileage may vary), but the bland homogenization and attempts to keep up with the MTV Joneses are the hallmarks of this very specific category. For bands and artists from this era that were born shitty, stay tuned for the next installment: Shit Rock (Category 2). But in the interim, let's hear your own suggestions. If there are enough that appear to be on target, we might try a second round.

Can't Keep A Good Wuss Rocker Down

I sensed a special, perverse enthusiasm for mocking and deriding our guilty, wussy (dis)pleasures from the past, so I've taken a few suggestions from the comments to the last post in order to provide everyone with their recommended lifetime (and after-lifetime) allowance of impotent ballads and white man's Soul-Glo hairstyles...

Windy by The Association: A blast from the past. According to our good friend Doghouse Riley, these earnest youths of the 60s should properly be christened the godfathers of wuss rock. It's difficult to argue with a band that employs a recorder solo and whose overall melody tends to suggest some sort of fabric softener. You half expect to see a small, cuddly bear join them in the merriment.

On The Border by Al Stewart: You know, I'm not entirely sure Big Al belongs in this category... because if he does, then we would definitely need to induct Belle and Sebastian. I mean, he sounds an awful lot like their main vocalist. I may be opening up a can of worms with this... please, let's not try to think of 21st century analogues to our soulless ancestors.

I Wanna Kiss You All Over by Exile: The only thing more horrifying than the double (and triple) attack of these fugly lead singers is the note about one minute in that Chris de Burgh is "coming up." I think you would actually put this 45 on if you wanted to permanently kill off the possibility of any romantic entanglement with your significant other.

The Biggest Part of Me of Ambrosia: I may have been dimly aware of this band's existence; thanks to Paperpusher for driving it home with a link in the last post's comments. And why is it that it takes like 17 people to create such a shitty, tinny sound?

Him by Rupert Holmes: While searching for an appropriate performance by America, this showed up in the "related videos" section. Better known for Escape (The Pina Colada Song), this lesser-known selection shows off Mr. Holmes in fine form, a kind of anti-Jerry Lee Lewis. This really looks like a parody video staged by the Yacht Rock troupe of actors.

You Can Do Magic by America: OK, I found the right video; I could only remember a few of their hits, and in all fairness couldn't includein uptempo ditties like Ventura Highway without getting into a whole other arena of sunny California rock which might best be reserved for other genres. However, this 80s travesty.. easily the wussiest of the entries so far... is best summed up by the most recent comment to the video: "The song sounds like a toothpaste commercial."

OK, that's enough for now. If it pains you that certain people have been left out (these diversions were never meant to be exhaustive), leave a link in the comments. We need to move on to other pastures in the next installment of painful YouTube memories: Shit Rock (Category 1). This is a very elusive classification that focuses not on bands but on eras in a once-great (or at least once-decent) artist or band's development. Specifically, we'll be focusing on those who succumbed to various crap-trends of the late 70s and early 80s, sullying their once impressive catalog with synths, sportscoats with rolled-up sleeves, and earnest lyrics about overcoming adversity.

A Young Person's Compendium of Wuss Rock

Loggins and Oates? I would totally listen to that!

This may be the most entirely dispensable genre of music set out in the taxonomy of shitty rock; the elements of blues, country, rockabilly, and folk distilled down to a smooth, crappy essence for consumption by people with feathered hair coming down off of cocaine binges. Click on the small boxes for a full-sized video... if you dare!

Baby I'm-a Want You by Bread: The gold standard of wuss rock, the equivalent of downing a handful of quaaludes with a gallon of wine spritzer. What the hell does that title mean anyway?

Leader of the Band by Dan Fogelberg: A cabinetmaker's son? WTF?!? This song is like a macrame and driftwood enema administered by a sparkly clown proctologist. And if he's the leader of the band, where's the band? Did they tire of him and join up with Pablo Cruise or something?

Summer Breeze by Seals and Crofts: A bit of trivia about our wuss rock pioneers here (a) I believe that they were originally members of The Champs (Tequila) in the 50s, and (b) they penned an anti-abortion ballad/concept album after Roe v. Wade. Good times, and a rare capture of their recent exploits to boot (Oregon State Fair 1991, evidently the height of their popularity).

It's a Long Way There by The Little River Band: Why did the Australians hate us so? It's a rather sad commentary to say that this is probably the most rocking and funky offering in our initial batch of videos. Still, it looks like the entire band is shaking the effects of knockout gas throughout the whole performance.

Here I Am by Air Supply: Holy shit. Do they sell separate bleaches for the eyes and ears? Why are there like 22 musicians in this flaccid collective?

These are only some of the more obvious and egregious examples; I'd be happy to see some links in the comments to your own favorite (and my that I mean least favorite) artists and bands from this dark period in musical history.

UPDATE: Sailing by Christopher Cross: How could I forget? According to the notes, this is from a 1998 "live" performance, although one might well qualify it as "comatose." Have you ever seen a drummer with less to do?

Random, Relatively Unadorned Musical Ten

No lengthy explanations, no videos, just pure randomness from the master digital music jukebox. I've added a lot of potentially dodgy artists in recent months, and hopefully they'll make an appearance or two. Odds are, it may be the first time I've actually heard the song, given the breakneck pace of my downloading. Click the links for more information than you ever wanted.

1. Portable on My Shoulder by Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers. 30 years later, Radio Raheem would embody this song.

2. Pencil Test by Yo La Tengo. Coming soon to play Austin for the 1,329th time.

3. Drinkin' Wine by Electric Flag. One of the lesser-known bands from the Monterey Pop Festival; they performed this old boogie-woogie standard to the delight of the proto-hippies.

4. Click O.K. by Pong. Moogie goodness from the People's Republic of Austin.

5. Memphis Train by Buddy Miles. This may be a first in proximity and randomness, in that he was the drummer for band #3.

6. I'm So Green by Can. If you can classify this, more power to you.

7. Man Smart (Woman Smarter) by Harry Belafonte. Simpsons-related trivia: this is the song Marge and Homer are singing when the family becomes world-famous in the Treehouse of Horror "Monkey's Paw" segment.

8. Futurist Manifesto by Be-Bop Deluxe. Another very strange band, starting off as progressive glam rock and ending up as robot-obsessed New Wave, but never garnering that much of a core fan-base.

9. Funk by The Last Poets: Unfortunately, this is not from the pioneering rap/spoken word group's early output, but a 90s song that marries them with samples, guest vocals, etc. Still terrific poetry, though.

10. Protect and Survive by The Dubliners. Like the Chieftains if they were singing about nuclear war instead of Sally O'Quinn's emerald-green eyes.

Feel free to fire up your computer or portable device and list your own random playlists. No skipping over embarrassments, please! They're the crappy spice of life! We'll get back to shitty videos from godawful bands from excremental, made-up genres shortly. Maybe I'll move the 'news' to the weekend, it's all pretty much depressing anyway.

UPDATE: The greatest monologue in Simpsons history en Español.

Just in case you wanted to hear the sound effects of Michael Winslow done by a Spanish voice actor.

Thursday Videographic Buttrock Explosion

Not really random, but I thought I'd take a few artist examples from the not-yet comprehensive list of butt rock bands in our taxonomy of shitty music and examine, through videos, what makes them so butt-rific. Once you have secured adequate visual protection (a radiation suit, welder's mask), click on the corners of the video thumbnails to get the full YouTube presentation:

Smooth Up In Ya by Bulletboys: This appears to be late-era Butt Rock, as the glam-rock trappings have been eschewed in favor of a more functional wardrobe (the lead singer still looks like a Polynesian woman, though). The music itself is more Def Leppard than Aerosmith, an approach favored by hyperclean bands like Slaughter and Winger. And the title... so perfect.

I Wanna Be Your Man by L.A. Guns: History will never know why Traci Guns and his merry band of miscreants faded off into obscurity, while his ex-partner, Axl Rose, hit the very pinnacle of rock stardom. Maybe it has something to do with this tinny-ass band and their dumb mansion/feast sets sucking ass. Exploding food? WTF?!? :(

Monkey Business by Danger Danger: Wow, no wonder I had never really heard of these guys. They're like Poison's slower cousins, or the Nelson crew after a few years of cocaine. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the set from Unskinny Bop. In a perfect world, this song would be the theme to a Nickelodeon children's show.

When I Look Into Your Eyes by Firehouse: Not to be confused with the flannel-loving Mike Watt project fIREHOSE; this is one of the rare poodle-haired rock bands where ballads seemed to be the rule rather than exception. Honestly, Peter Cetera would probably turn up his cute little button nose at schmaltzy dreck like this.

Can't Stop Me Lovin' You by Steelheart: You could work for ten years and not come up with a parody metal video that equals this. He starts off like David Coverdale, unpromisingly enough, and then weirdly morphs into the Chipmunks about halfway through.

Just Got Lucky by Dokken: It pains me to lump the great Don Dokken in with most of these hosers, but in the FIRST 15 SECONDS of the video, you get (a) a live shot of him spewing whiskey-mist and (b) a guitarist wearing a muscle shirt with the word "Balls" on it, and (c) another band member wearing sneakers and tiny little ankle-bandanas. Once we get to the Hall of Mirrors, though, he quickly rockets to the ionosphere of badassery.

More than happy to add and editorialize on your own buttrockular suggestions, should you drop them in the comments. We'll start with relatively obscure (say, ten seconds of screentime in Decline of Western Civilization II: The Metal Years) and then work our way out towards Tawny Kitaen doing a gymnastics routine on two Jaguars.

UPDATE Here's a nice Shit Rock (Category 1) preview...

Being without them would NOT take a lot of getting used to.

Unearthed: Taxonomy of Shitty Rock

Bulletboys? There was never any such band!

Taken from a string of 2003 (!) posts. Feel free to add on, quibble, develop new categories given the Hives/Interpol proliferation of two jillion overly-syncopated bands with skinny ties, etc.:

(1) Butt Rock (definition from Mullets Galore): "Rock n' roll music with that has the following characteristics: four or five male members with long, feathered hair (bangs are common, but not neccesary) or mullets, wailing guitar solos, distorted guitars, and lyrics about women, sex, drugs, Satan, and cars. Currently no home on the radio dial. Bands include Slaughter, Dio, Dokken, Ratt, Poison, Great White, White Lion, Steelheart, Tesla, Grim Reaper, Def Leppard, Vixen, Danger Danger, Skid Row, BulletBoys, Warrant, Firehouse, Motley Crue, Whitesnake, Cinderella, Quiet Riot, and Winger.

(2) Wuss Rock: No definition needed. You know what it is. Makes up the backbone of adult contemporary radio, although it can show up on classic rock formats. Acts include: Dan Fogelberg, Air Supply, Kenny Loggins, Little River Band, Poco, Christopher Cross, Al Stewart, America, Peter Frampton, Cat Stevens. Preferred by Marge Simpson.

(3) Crap Rock: The hippie uncle of Butt Rock. Extremely derivative, lowest common denominator music, usually preferred by Homer Simpson: Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Grand Funk Railroad, Foghat, Foreigner, Kansas, Mountain, Nazareth, Steppenwolf, Three Dog Night, Uriah Heep. One or two songs will show up on classic rock radio.

(4) Shit Rock (Category One): This will usually refer to bands who had a good late 60s/early 70s run, only to be phased into obsolescence by the advent of disco, punk, and later metal. Usually characterized by the now coked-up, debt-ridden bands trying to appropriate new musical styles (i.e. finding a synthesizer) from the time period 1976-1986, mostly with disastrous results. You may even see one or two attempts at a music video from the dawn of MTV. The most desperate bands with the least amount of street cred to begin with turn into Wuss Rock bands (see Chicago). Most importantly: the efforts of these bands during these times has no home on the radio dial. Bands include: Allman Brothers/Gregg Allman solo, Ronnie James Dio-era Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Moody Blues, Santana, Chicago, Bad Company, Blue Oyster Cult, Boston (although it could be category II), Crosby Stills and Nash (and especially the Crosby-Nash permutation), Doobie Brothers, Jethro Tull, the Kinks (sorry to say), and Yes. Amanda adds: The Rolling Stones, especially Emotional Rescue and the Harlem Shuffle(!).

(5) Shit Rock (Category Two): Bands/acts that were born shitty, including supergroups comprised from the tattered remnants of some of the above bands. Includes Journey, Asia, the Firm, John Cougar Mellencamp, Allan Parsons Project, Bob Seeger, Billy Squier, and Styx. The backbone of VH-1 and VH-1 Classic programming.

(6) Pretentious/Progressive Rock: Bands in this category usually have at least one member who is classically trained and never lets an interviewer leave that part out. Look for long, drawn out solos, lyrics that reference great works of literature and concept albums. Bands include: Yes, Genesis (early Genesis), Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Iron Maiden, Dream Theater. A shorter definition would be bands that not only know how to play, but never, ever let you forget it; Rick Wakeman is the ultimate example.

(7) Suck Rock: Any band whose lead singer is an ugly miscreant and whose music makes one wish for temporary deafness. Band: Limp Bizkit. It's their very own category. [I tried suggesting Creed as well, but TBogg may have them/him consigned to a special ring of hell] UPDATE: Maybe we can add all miscellaneous bands that haven't found a home elsewhere, like The Eagles, Jimmy Buffett, Three Doors Down, Nickelback, Steely Dan (at least later Steely Dan, where the antiseptic songs seemed to stretch out for hours), etc.

(8) Spendthrift Rock: Bands that rely on mussed hair, thrift-shop clothes and low quality recording "effects" to pass off their music as hip and nostalgic. Includes The White Stripes and The Strokes. Pioneered by the catchier and more intelligent Local H. Originally invented by the Ramones, but they are immune because no one had ever gotten so famous off a bunch of 3-chord songs before. I could start a whole new post on lo-fi, lo-soul, lo-talent college rock poseurs that I have hated throughout history: Pavement, Sebadoh, Archers of Loaf, etc.

Video examples will be added until the morale and the news improve. I realize Yes appears several times. Well, they were several types of crappy at various stages of their career. It goes without saying that most of my vinyl collection is from these various species of assclown(s). UPDATE: And here are a few more, from my own brain and from yours...

(9) Trustafarian Rock: Believe it or not, there are still bands that believe in jamming (an activity described by David Cross as "paying $35 to listen to someone dick around on guitar): Widespread Panic, String Cheese Incident, possibly Bela Fleck for the older crowd.

(10) Schlub Rock: "Inspired by the Pixies, an army of homely non-performers has taken over the nation's stages. The Shins, New Pornographers, Spoon, Arcade Fire, Robert Pollard/Guided By Voices. Geez, even the two ugliest men in showbiz, Alejandro Escovedo and Dave Alvin, know how to dress the part." (from Paperpusher, although I have to disagree with him on Pollard... he does David Lee Roth high-kicks and everything!)

(11) Starbucks Rock: "The 21 century equivalent of Wuss Rock, wherein aggressively average talents become the new establishment. Started by Counting Crows and Hootie, continuing with Norah Jones and Dave Matthews." (also from Paperpusher)

I Am Not Trying To Start A Music War With Anyone

What's the secret connection?

There is nothing funnier than the actual description of the video: "Styx's performance of Fooling Yourself (Angry Young Man) at the Walworth County Fair (Elkhorn, WI) in September of 2005." Not THE Walworth County!

Were you aware that Jethro Tull once teamed up with Jan Hammer or Vangelis? Neither were they! Cocaine's a hell of a drug!

If this is them on overdrive, I'd hate to see them in second gear or when the engine starts flooding because you hit the gas too much. Not completely related question: did they transport a Viking from the 12th century across space and time to play bass with them?

The video becomes a lot funnier if you imagine that John Waite is actually k.d. lang. I mean, apart from looking and sounding alike, I'm sure that exercise is completely unfair.

"We have our own way of doing things here. The Sex Pistols are scum trying to make a fast buck, which they are entitled to do under the law. I am entitled to try and stop them. We'll see who wins. Now, I've seen many of the groups play. I've nothing against Mick Jagger and his ilk. Some of his gestures appeared lewd, and they were probably meant that way, but the audience was not tearing up the seats. I will say this for the Sex Pistols: there's one band that's a damn sight worse: the Bay City Rollers." (full article here)

And now, the answer: they're all on my digital music jukebox! I'm so lame!

UPDATE Seriously, these clowns are terrible, and I only still have them in my jukebox and in my brain because of the corrosive influence of my parents' vinyl collection, of which this quartet of jokers is actually the LEAST LAME (the Pozo-Seco Singers, Mitch Miller Sing-Alongs, and Herb Alpert rounded out their "heavy rotation" set of discs). I'm not entirely sure, but I think this song is about their early career. Fucking fantastic! Unfortunately, this band is like a hot sale on the Home Shopping Network: there's ONLY ONE LEFT!

Friday Semi-Random Video 10: Strictly Seventies

Break out your bell bottoms for some video footage from the decade before video. Hopefully I'll hit every generational cohort before having to do a "Thoroughly Thirties;" previous entries in the experiment can be found here for the 80s and here for the 90s. Remember to click on a corner of the tiny video box in order to get a full-sized, YouTube presentation:

1. Muswell Hillbilly by The Kinks (1971): After a few country-fried introductions, Ray finally gets into the song. Some fantastic sportcoats in effect, as well as some rare facial hair from his brother.

2. Outta Space by Billy Preston (1972): Unfortunately, I think this is a truncated clip, but at least it starts off with Billy and company in full jam, employing both the organ and clavinet (you can see a dance party, lip-synched clip here). Plus: second-best 'fro in the business, narrowly losing out to his own left-handed guitarist!

3. Who Are You by The Who (1978): This appears to be a studio take, rather than the finished take, but it shows Keith Moon in fine, manic form in his last studio album. Hopefully this otherwise decent song hasn't been ruined by its inclusion on one of the 284 CSI shows.

4. Hey Hey Helen by ABBA (1976): I think they're some sort of live-action Swedish version of the Superfriends or something. Plus, it sounds like they got Billy Preston on the omnipresent clavinet. USELESS INFO: Interestingly, this song was covered by Lush, of all bands.

5. Practice Makes Perfect by Wire (1979): Does anyone else notice that there are several hundred bands out now that sound a lot like late-70s Wire? By the way, I've seen a good portion of the DVD from which this clip is taken, and it's awesome. The audience has nooooo idea.

6. Oh! You Pretty Things by David Bowie (1972): Maybe he was singing about the band. Unsure why it took the BBC ten years to air the performance; perhaps you can slog through the several hundred comments to figure it out.

7. Drift Away by Dobie Gray (1973): One of the early pioneers of smooth rock; of course, he's a hell of a lot more of a soulful singer (from Texas, baby!) than Kenny Loggins or Christopher Cross. If you have time (and I know my average reader does), check out his web site... still goin' strong!

8. New Pleasure by Richard Hell and the Voidoids (1977): I'll admit that I've never seen the film, Blank Generation (1980), from which this comes, but it's got to be odd (Carole Bouquet, a Bunuel and Bond girl, plays a camerawoman).

9. The Shape I'm In by The Band (1970): Of course, the film footage is from the indispensable documentary The Last Waltz (1976), directed by Martin Scorsese. No guest stars on this particular cut, but great performances all around.

10. Germ-Free Adolescents by X-Ray Spex (1978): I think this is the line-up after original saxophonist Lora Logic got cut (she formed the great band Essential Logic); there's a real weird Kraftwerk vibe with the song that makes it unlike anything else produced by early British punk rock.

The best of the bunch has to be Billy. Now, if you want a Friday Music Question to chew on, let's try this: have you recently grown sick of a long-time treasured musical group or artist, and were you surprised at your sudden revulsion? For me, I'd have to say that I'm almost thoroughly sick of Pink Floyd, and, as much as it pains me to say it, Bad Brains. Forgive me, Dr. Know! How about yourself? If that doesn't pique your interest, drop some videos or playlists of your own from the Golden Age of Plaid.

Friday Semi-Random Video 10: Noticeably Nineties

Ten semi-random songs from everybody's second least favorite decade, attached to videos or live performance. Those of you with elephantine memories will remember that I pulled this shit last week with the 80s, to mixed effect (i.e. it wasn't a total bomb) Remember to click on a corner of the tiny box in order to get a full-sized presentation:

1. Where You Get Love by Matthew Sweet (1997): I can't believe that NASA suppressed the fact that a power-pop overlord and his merry bandmates actually walked on the surface of Mars. An actually well-produced homage to Solaris (the original) and 2001: A Space Odyssey.

2. Honey White by Morphine (1995): I wish I could get the Beavis and Butthead voice-over version. "YEAH! I'D LIKE TO SEE A LITTLE MORE FAT!" Amazing what the late Mark Sandman (who looks like Jon Stewart if he had a harder life) was able to do with a two-string bass.

3. Mister Would You Please Help My Pony? by Ween (1994): This is a live, in-store-lookin' performance of one of my favorite Chocolate and Cheese. The Ween clan is still going strong and playing at least one sold out show in Austin next week, but are charging four times as much as they did when I saw them eleven years ago.

4. Blackitolism (9th Wonder) by Digable Planets (1994): A criminally overlooked hip-hop band that has recently made a well-received comeback: it's essentially the formula the Fugees followed a few years later: a versatile female vocalist (Ladybug Mecca) flanked by two jazzy rappers (Butterfly and Doodlebug) over some great, eclectic beats and samples.

5. Kiko and the Lavender Moon by Los Lobos (1992): As I might have stated elsewhere, if you can think of a greater American band still performing, I'd like to hear it. Also, a beautiful video with fleeting glimpses of icons from all of the Americas.

6. Maple Leaf Rag by Scott Joplin (1899): Whoops, wrong century. Gotta love that Disney Dixieland, though! Note; the pianist was actually unfrozen from the turn of the century.

7. Vertigogo by Combustible Edison 1995): I've been periodically checking YouTube for a C.E. video for some time, and this is the first time it's popped up. Unfortunately, it's intercut with shitty clips from Four Rooms. At least Robert Rodriguez's section, with the two mischievous children, was good.

8. Headache by Frank Black (1994): If the former lead singer of the Pixies were selling Anacin in the 50s, I would have totally bought some, cerebral hemorrhage side-effect notwithstanding. I especially like the be-sweatered Frank Black Backup Singers.

9. 15 Ways (To Leave Your Man) by The Fall (live, 1994): I guess he thought up thirty-five fewer ways than Paul Simon. Nothing spectacular about the song or the performance, although I never realized they carried two drummers at one point.

10. All Hail Me by Veruca Salt (1994): Hell of a birthday party.

To be honest, it took me a while compile ten random songs from what should have been my formative decade (ages 16-26); it seems to be outweighed by stuff from the 40s. As for the comments, remember to post your own favorite clips from the decade that recently was.

If you want a Friday Music Question to chew on, let's try this: I'll ask a relatively simple question; the first commenter answers it, and leaves a question for the next commenter to answer. Or answer as many questions as have been posed, so long as you come up with one of your own. And we begin with: "Name your favorite solo artist who was a relatively famous band." My own answer would be Curtis Mayfield after leaving The Impressions.

Friday Semi-Random Video 10: Strictly Eighties

Ten semi-random songs from everybody's least favorite decade, attached to videos or live performance. This is by far the ultimate and supreme development in the emerging academic field of Friday Random Musicology. Stick around for a music-related question to stimulate at least four to five comments, and remember to click on a corner of the tiny box in order to get a full-sized presentation:

1. (Forever) Live and Die by Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark (1986): There's no orchestra present, the only maneuvering appears to some gentle swaying, and most of the video is filmed during daylight hours. Still one of my favorite 80s songs... although I didn't realize that they needed like eleven people in the band to produce that thin sound.

2. Method of Modern Love by Hall & Oates (1984): Everything about this video radiates cheapness, as if they had just gotten their props from a high school production of West Side Story. Evidently Daryl Hall was feeling bold, wearing that bullseye T-shirt (with sportscoat) at the shoot.

3. Gone Daddy Gone by The Violent Femmes (1982): I wonder whether when the history of rock is finally written, these guys won't be seen as very stealthily influential. And the video is fantastic, it's like very low-budget David Lynch.

4. Go Wild in the Country by Bow Wow Wow (1982): Their first top 10 hit in the UK, before the monster cover of "I Want Candy," originally done by the Strangeloves.

5. Strange Little Girl by The Stranglers (1983): I feel this is one band that never had a problem casting off their punk roots and going slightly New Wave and even goth as the 80s marched on. Of course, this song ends up sounding like a bad Doors parody, even if Tori Amos ended up covering it. Great street footage, though.

6. Looking for the Perfect Beat by Afrika Bambataa (1983): Somebody needs to explain to me why this dude isn't in the Hall of Fame yet. Well, maybe it's this community access television-grade video. I don't think it samples Kraftwerk (like Planet Rock), but it's almost creates a lost Kraftwerk riff.

7. Why Can't I Be You? by The Cure (1987): Pretty subtle imagery in the first five seconds of the video. Also, I'm not sure who choreographed the particular dance steps, but they may no longer be in the industry. And did this anticipate the Furry Revolution? Oh well, it's still a kick-ass song.

8. Chains of Love by Erasure (1988): There sure are a lot of chains in this video.

9. Fashion by David Bowie (1980): Just made the chronological cut, as the single was released in October '80. As usual, he was light years ahead of everyone else in terms of conceptual videos (I don't even think there was an MTV yet). He also looks a bit bedraggled.

10. Selfish Heart by The Beat Farmers (1984): I was beginning to wonder about American roots rock representation on this list; thank God for the late, great Country Dick Montana (not to be confused with the Dictators' Handsome Dick Manitoba). To be fair, this is about half singing and half interviewing, but the readership needs to be apprised!

"BONUS": I usually don't believe in an added eleventh song, but this one came up on the jukebox right after the Beat Farmers. Click with extreme caution. The actor playing the kid in bed, from what I remember of such tales, is actually one of my alma mater university's more recognizable theater graduates.
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That wasn't a half-bad assortment of music (videos and bonus song aside). Now for part two: since I used up the hamster videos* earlier in the week, it's time for another music-related question for the masses. I was half-listening to the portable digital jukebox and heard what I thought was a previously unreleased Lauryn Hill song. Looking at the information, the artist was actually Phyllis Dillon (RIP, further interview here), who was dubbed the Queen of Rock Steady in Jamaica, recording mostly during the late 60s. The vocal resemblance was astounding.

So the exercise is: list your favorite or a few interesting sound-alikes, either vocally or instrumentally. Failing that, drop a few playlists or links to videos in the comments.

* check the extended entry

More Food About Songs and Buildings

It's Friday. Who wants some instructions and computer programming nostalgia at the same time? 10 BEGIN // 15 FOR y = 1 TO 10 // 20 SHUFFLE (VIDEO JUKEBOX) // 30 PRINT (SONG TITLE) // 40 FIND VIDEO FOR (SONG TITLE) // 50 LINK TO VIDEO // NEXT Y // 60 END. Please correct me if my BASIC is wrong, and enjoy these videos (click on the corner of one of the tiny boxes to get the full version). Please do not enter the preceding program into your TI-994A computer; it will blow up with extreme prejudice.

1. Radioactivity (short version) by Kraftwerk: They were totally ahead of their time, which I think means 1985 when they made this video. Why couldn't school safety filmstrips be like this?

2. Take This Hammer by Leadbelly: The songwriting pioneer himself (in color!); don't be disturbed by the initial lack of a moving picture, it kicks in at about the 35 second mark. I have no idea where this footage comes from... a movie?

3. 1976 by RJD2: A very innovative video and photocollage, although I'm unsure what the song title has to do with the year (apart from its sounding like a 70s cop show) or Cuba. Maybe if I spoke Spanish...

4. Another Girl Another Planet by THe Only Ones: An interesting band, kind of mixing the sound of roots rock with punk energy and unique vocals (supplied by Peter Perrett). Unfortunately, the comments to the video devolve into a "Did Blink 182 do a better version?" discussion. Although I've never heard the cover, let me venture a guess: no fucking way. Another influential band who had a 2007 reunion.

5. Panis Et Circenses by Os Mutantes: I can't believe this is the first time the legendary Brazilian band has come up in the video shuffle. They give off a very Velvet Undergroundish vibe in this clip, mainly due to the half-Nico, half-Marianne Faithfull vocals of Rita Lee.

6. Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition: Feathered like the wings of a majestic bird! Six tambourines at once! Bittersweet lyrics! Osmond Family cast-off costumes! This rules!

7. Uncontrollable Urge by Devo: Maybe 100 times the people know about this song because of that Mazda commercial, but so what? An interesting live clip that some of the commenters seem to indicate is from the seminal Urgh! A Music War documentary/video compilation.

8. Lebanese Blonde by Thievery Corporation: I'm a fan of this duo's worldwide musical sampling, even if it does sound like video game background music half the time. Unfortunately, the video looks like a 3-minute plug for some high-end vodka or a financial services corporation. Enjoy the highly processed sounds of the Middle East, in any event.

9. Groovy Train by The Farm: Slowly but surely, I am being haunted by every CD single I impulsively bought during my hazy college days. These guys are like the Happy Mondays, but without the drugs. Suffice it to say that I didn't see any street scenes like this in 1992 London, apart from the Notting Hill Festival.

10. Vibe Boogie by Lionel Hampton: Off of a 1955 movie, this is described as a "jam." This would be good news, except we're talking about Lionel Hampton and a top-notch jazz band, not the fucking String Cheese Incident... so one would wish it went on a little longer.

Now for some bonus footage: (1) my hamster Merle [other videos here] isn't all that talented in many areas, but he can suck down (unhusked) sunflower seeds with the best of them. Enjoy some behind-the-scenes footage of my harsh training regimen; (2) an interesting clip courtesy of Boing Boing of a talented double-guitar player:

Now drop something music-related in the comments (capsule reviews of new releases, that one ABBA video you've found after all these years, or slagging other people's tastes), or it's going to be all sunflower seed-eating, ALL THE TIME! As an additional, comment-generating question: the Simpsons Movie is nearly upon us (next Friday, I believe). Anybody jazzed about it? Mixed feelings? What, as they say, is up?

Friday Random Video 10 + Memory-Laden Ticket Stubs

Back in the flow and ready with a very special edition of Friday Random Music Whatevers. Since YouTube seems to be eternal, all of my previous video shuffles should still be available for viewing (but no longer for commenting). Remember to click the corners of the little tiny boxes with your delicate mousing skillz for a full-sized video, and stick around for a fuzzy memories musical poll at the end:

1. Under the Milky Way by The Church: Hello college! Hello bagpipes! As close to an alternative one-hit wonder as you can get, although I vaguely remember another song called "Metropolis" that kind of stunk.

2. Be There by UNKLE (with Ian Brown): Gotta love the combination of an innovative techno band with the leader singer of the Stone Roses. Not sure what's up with the video, but I think they're down at the tube station at midnight.

3. Don't Go by Yaz(oo): I'm not exactly sure why Alison Moyet and Vince Clarke are trying to play God in the video, especially when Frankenstein was such a shitty dancer. Any clues this was made in 1982?

4. It's Alright by Hound Dog Taylor: The real icing on the cake for this dirty blues ditty are the introductions at the start. Also, great closeups of his unique slide guitar-playing style from the 1973 concert footage.

5. Flirtin' With Disaster by Molly Hatchet: It had to happen sooner or later. Are there like seven guitars in this band? It's like Lynyrd Skynyrd + The Allman Brothers, times two, minus one*! Eeewww girl, eewww!

6. Son of Shaft by The Bar-Kays: Unfortunately, much of the band perished along with Otis Redding in the 1968 plane crash. But you can't keep a good band, even if they re-incarnated themselves as a hybrid of Southern soul and Parliament-like funk in the early 70s.

7.