Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Truppersss! I Jus Received New Ordersss!

I might get back into the game in about a month or so, assuming the Democratic primary has taken care of itself (e.g. Hillary Clinton is given the opportunity to mediate the Zimbabwean election during the convention). The prospect of having no discernible GOP input into national policy is too tantalizing to withhold my paltry input; this includes what should be a tight Senate race in Texas, between John "Emptysuited Fuckstain" Cornyn and Rick "Manuel" Noriega. Also, I was partially inspired by the following speech (the smug British bureaucrat in the glasses represents my "better judgment"):

However, I may have to rebuild certain amenities, as I bashed this place but good a while back. So remember, it's "nexmonth." And yet, somehow, I need more pumping up. How about it, Survivor?

If burning heart persists, please discontinue listening and see your internet doctor. Related question: Did Survivor engineer the collapse of the Soviet empire specifically so that the Scorpions would be able to record Winds of Change six years later?

Well! Isn't That... What Blogs Are For?

All tired, worn-out, second-hand sentences! So sad!

I've decided to try a few other half-assed ventures for at least the next several months. Don't worry... I have this dumb domain name for a couple of years, the online equivalent of the administration at (0-3 0-4 0-5) Notre Dame being stuck with Charlie Weis until the year 2029. But at least I could score against Michigan.

"Shut up, you FUCK!"

You Know What This Picture Means!

HOW does that cigar stay LIT?

The time has come to say goodbye for anywhere from 4-7 days. Some suggestions on how to spend your time in the interim:

(1) Humor your local effete cinema snob by going over his database and asking semi-relevant questions or making pithy observations;

(2) Pimp your site, your friend's site, or your enemy's site if you think that getting noticed by me is the kiss of death;

(3) Suggestions for things I need to change in order to piss you off less. I am guessing that not directing you to deleted scenes from Memento starring Lenny is one of them;

(4) Develop some marketing promotions for the website; after all, if they can make a Regarding Henry video game, anything is possible;

(5) Monitor the Koufax Awards site for signs of life, start freaking out when it does;

(6) De-lurk for once in your miserable life, for fuck's sake. In fact, I'm willing to so far as to give lurkers this bit of van Damme advice (WARNING: uncivil language!) if they do not comply;

(7) Start hitting on/flirting with other commenters, especially those of indeterminate gender. I want this to be a site of love.

(8) UPDATE: Get South by Southwestercized! Only 8 more days until Austin is rendered uninhabitable by poseurs, hipsters, and industry assholes! Well, more than usual, at least.

In other words, mostly open thread... ciao!

"I'm Going To Shove Coal So Far Up Your Stocking, You'll Be Coughing Up Diamonds!"

Additional holiday wishes in the comments. I ain't leavin' just yet, but perhaps there's somebody you'd like to call out recognize for some special cheer. I do want to thank Paperpusher for the wonderful gift of the Sorcerer soundtrack, on vinyl no less, by Tangerine Dream. For those of you who don't know what Tangerine Dream is, imagine Kraftwerk melded with Vangelis, and then bred with a hamster that has consumed 9 cups of coffee.

This also makes him the only person I'm inviting to my flying nuclear battle station; I might give him some sort of management position in the Amazon Bikini Corps, assuming he waxes in accordance with the HFPST Flying Battle Station Workers' Handbook. The rest of you chumps and chumpettes can just toil under the yoke of my Reign of Leftish Brutality, enforced by my killer robots...

Well, Bender and Kwanzaa Bot should do fine. They're not killers, but one of them is voiced by Coolio, and that's gotta count for something.

One Million Visitors!

Hey, it was marginally funny at the time!

It looks like the vaunted mark of absolute irrelevance (one million visitors, or about one thousand a day over the last thousand days) will be reached on Tuesday evening, or possibly sooner if somebody who's actually popular wastes their own bandwidth to inform their stupefied readership of the news.

Perhaps half two-thirds of this total is random Google string- and image-searchers, and half of the remaining half third is comprised of repeat viewings from my eight regular commenters, waiting to see whether another thread has died from neglect. But the important thing is: my free internet package is about to run out and I'm going to have to start paying a monthly fee for this lame website. So, in order to party, help yourself on Mega Day to this free, 46-second four-track cover song. I dood it on my Casio, and you may need to get high in order to enjoy it. The fund-raiser to pay for the bandwidth for this 'generosity' will start tomorrow.

And if you can prove that you're the landmark reader/customer, you will get... well, what should you get? The HFPST Misspelling-a-Day calendar? A Daryl Hall 45 single? An old term paper from the early 90s? Beard clippings?

UPDATE: Whoops! While I was on my third siesta of the day at the East Austin Shaved Ice Emporium (the market is way down despite the unseasonably warm Fall we're having), somebody named Ed Drone claims to have been the 1,000,000th visitor... a process hastened by the long-overdue recognition from TBogg, a "somewhat popular" (and even that's totally inexplicable.. at least the popular part) "blogger." However, my research indicates it's this Google image searcher from south of the border who wanted to find out where that Luca Brasi choking picture came from. He/she now gets the grand prize: a tour of the Happy Furry Puppy Story Time secret headquarters and the opportunity to be my sole heir! Everybody into the glass elevator!

Out For A Week

I promise! Getting ready for weblog awards season, and for visitor number one million. And something to do with travel, family, and holidays. I'm going to use reverse psychology now. Why don't y'all lame it up in the comments like every other time I was gone for more than 12 hours?

The Big Scaleback

No, that's the Vic Tayback.

Thirty-nine months and two thousand posts in, I find that a certain predictability has crept into the site, a gradual en-stalening brought on by the inevitable feeling that you're repeating yourself. As of right now, the only weekly features I'm really interested in keeping are Wednesday captions, reviews of obscure and (hopefully) high-quality DVD releases, and perhaps some sort of Friday musical exercise, perhaps delving more into vinyl rather than the digital jukebox. In the interim...

-- I think I'd still like to be known as The Left, but plumbing the depths of lo-traffic reactionary sites to see what ridiculous things I'm being blamed for every Thursday is getting a bit tiresome. You can still try it, but what's the point? I'd rather make the point in a more spontaneous fashion in somebody else's comments.

-- Sunday coupon dissection: nobody but degenerates liked you, my poor little bastard-feature. I'd rather somebody point out some sort of ridiculous corporate-sponsored thing like we had last Sunday.

-- Link dumps with ironic juxtaposition can be had in real time at Think Progress, as if nobody knew. Better yet, you can get (and probably already have gotten) newspaper headlines and stories directly delivered to you by e-mail. I won't be stumping for any particular candidates in November, but I think I can safely say that anybody contemplating voting for a Republican, regardless of his or her personal merits, is fucking cracked.

In other words, I have to start waiting for things I'm really interested in making fun of to commit a post to the eternal archives. Which means a little more enforced silence unless I think I have something approaching original commentary.

Meanwhile, you can (1) feel free to be creative for me in the comments, (2) keeping scouring those sites in the right hand column [find a site or two you haven't heard of or checked out and visit them], and/or (3) assault my Flickr self- and others-embarrassing site for the time being...

UPDATE: Looks like I picked the right week to start sniffing glue.

Open Complaint Box Thread

Meet our Complaint Department!

Newer posts will appear below for a bit. You are urged to:

(1) De-cloak / de-lurk and start freestylin';

(2) Make helpful suggestions about the lay-out and content;

(3) Tell me if you're having any problems with comments, especially with routine phrases getting caught in Moveable Type Blacklist;

(4) Pick something off my well-stocked Amazon wish list;

(5) Suggest new and exciting sites that aren't yours; and/or

(6) Reveal a terrible, horrifying secret/fact about one of your rival commenters.

What's the reason for the season? Norbizness.com turns two on Monday, a day I have to {National Review} grudgingly share with that Communist agitator Martin Luther King, Jr. {/National Review}.

Kicking My Own Ass

From the webmasters of Wampum, the hosts of the annual Koufax Awards for Outstanding Acheivement in the Field of Excellence in Left-of-Center "Writing," comes this urgent plea for donations:

"First off, I want to thank everyone who has been so kind and supportive of our fundraising drive so far. I hate to ask for seconds, but we've only raised a quarter ($600) of the minimum we'll need (that is, if we see no growth over last year), and we're now over half-way to the drive's end. We had a matching challenge last week for $500, but failed in reaching the goal established by the contributor. We hope they'll come back with a similar offer again.

If you're able (and we recognize a lot of people are strapped these days), we hope you'll consider dropping a few quid in the pot to support this year's awards. And remember, the nominating process opens in Mid-December, so start scanning your favorite blogs now for deserving posts, series and comments (yes, we've had a few already via email.) The links to previous winners are here: 2004, 2003, and 2002."

Of course, I have no idea why I'd want to encourage any further half-assed recognition that drives up my bandwidth costs. Wait a minute, yes I do. To determine which of you people are loyal readers (by nominating and voting for me) and which of you are snivelling curs (by nominating and/or voting for somebody else). Anybody can vote for a fake lobster or a fake general (and they do); it takes real guts to go with a significantly less funny person who uses a lame pseudonym. And I don't mean T-Bogg (fucked-up commenting system) or The Editors (yuppie), I said significantly less funny. Christ, am I that invisible?

So go donate!

Well, I Love That Glowing Water. Houston, You're My Home.

In Houston for the next few days, testing my newfound ability to breathe ammonia and drink hydrocarbon effluvia, like some sort of modern, asthma-stricken, tumor-riddled superhero. Actually, the air is quite nice right now.

Let's have the best damned open comment section in the world. Not like every other time where it was shittified beyond recognition! You can do it (and if it helps, imagine Rob Schneider saying that line in a bad Cajun accent)!

Look At The Cute Praying Kitty

Possibly correct. Possibly not.

A little bit of an open thread until I can get my shit together. Possible topics? Jeez, that's rather limiting, isn't it? How about "things I would like to see on this site but know that I won't because our host doesn't take fucking requests like nickel jukebox" or "I've got some interview questions for the host that I know he won't answer... or will he? No, the chances are slim to none, and slim just left town."? I won't say anything further, or you'll just take that topic and run with it. I said open, and I mean it. No talk of your favorite Herman's Hermit. Aw shit.

The rest of you chuckleheads can check out these selected Something Awful parodies of the "Choose Your Own Adventure" series of books (be sure to check out the variations on the 'You're the hero of this story! Choose from (x) possible endings!" subtitle):

-- If this is wrong, then... well, let's not fool ourselves. There's no "if" about it.
-- It was only a matter of time before Yakov Smirnoff put one of these out, but it's good to see that he got the title designer from Enemy at the Gates.
-- I'm not exactly why this particular volume included a diatribe about racial stereotypes, when there's a fucking werewolf on the space station.
-- Poor little cracker. Oh man, white kids dying all over the place.
-- It isn't too soon to start getting nostalgic about videos from washed-up rap bands that themselves were nostalgic homages to 70s cop shows, right?
-- Finally, a CYOA book that speaks to the bewilderingly hard life choices I face every day.
-- Mmmmm... high concept.

Non-Faith Based Armies of Compassion

Don't argue with the sign; it's my credo.

My probation requires sporadic community service, so this will have to do. Several worthy people who are not Andrew Sullivan are asking for your hard-earned dollars so that they may purchase a sequin-encrusted pianola from the Liberace Museum, or the world's largest truffle, or an autographed photo of John Candy's brother, who was never in any movies:

-- the ultra-indispensable Arthur Silber of the Light of Reason,

-- the mega-ultra-indispenable Susie M. of Suburban Guerrilla, and

-- the super-mega-ultra-indispensable Gary Farber of Amygdala.

If you know of any others in need, post them in the comments. Hell, you can either post under a pseudonym and say "(Your real name) needs a goddamned pony! Please help (him/her)!"

Operation: Enduring Unfulfilled Projects

Uhhhh.... do what now?

1) The poll on the re-naming of the Iraqi conflict is pretty much over: out of 10 options and 184 votes cast, Operation: Enduring Clusterfuck (a hybrid of several suggested operational names) is running away with 40% of the votes. In the always the bridesmaid category, my 2003 creation Operation: Shifting Rationale is tied with NTodd's Operation: Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball in second.

1a) How this victory is memorialized is still up in the air. Maybe a photo-shopped CNN war graphic? I will be happy to accept all submissions or ideas in the comments or e-mail. {UPDATE: Thanks to Pete G., we now have a patch on the right sidebar that will no doubt get me in a shitload of trouble. But it looks so nice. Well, at the first sign of trouble I'm sure I'll drop it like a hot baby.}

2) Be sure to continue/begin to find examples of "true" conservatives dissatisfied with the Administration. Also, I need more hypothetical James Lipton-Bret Michaels interview questions, and more blogospheric exposure for what is surely my finest piece of writing ever.

3) If you're even more goofily inclined, try your hand at writing HFPST fan-fiction using this list of bizarre search terms used to find HFPST over the last 24 hours:

-- Photo sweetie finger
-- McCain pizza rolls
-- Cursing Winnebago
-- Yngwie Malmsteen argument
-- Craig Biggio naked pictures
-- Satan's bitches
-- Stoners for Bush
-- Uncle Leo and eyebrows
-- Funny facts about Libya
-- how to seriously kill yourself
-- dancing chipmunks
-- Kerry urinating on American flag
-- puppy body paint
-- smokin' suckas wit logic

Back this weekend if my debutante ball-packed schedule permits.

The Open Thread Will Continue Until Morale Improves

While I'm on vacation, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany comments, or I will definitely fuck you up.
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UPDATE (Monday, undisclosed location): Well, it's another lamefest in the open thread. I need material I can steal, people, not more Full Metal Jacket quotes! Further, if the Astros lose tonight, in addition to the soul-crushing UT defeat on Saturday, you are going to see me angrier and stupider than ever when I start posting regular-like again.

Make Your Voice Heard, You Apathetic Slug

You tell 'em, sister. And mad props to Bratmobile.

Briefly: does anyone know of a nice, low-cost (i.e. no-cost) polling device that I can use to put up my finalists from the Bush-Cheney 2004 slogan contest?

By the way, the semi-finals were a disaster. Of the 20 or so comments, only one voted for one of the choices listed. The rest submitted or re-submitted their own slogans, a vast majority of which will not be included in the finals because they're so hella-lame.

In summary, you are all willful, disobedient children and, as a result, there will be no special X-treme Green Chili Chee-tos Casserole with Ranch Dipping Sauce for supper tonight. Only lentil soup. Without the lentils. Plus, you get the Gasface.

Three Strikes And the Open Thread Is Out

Don't pick me, capitalist pigs! I'm not even a celebrity anymore!

Outta town on family business until Sunday, so let's try the open thread idea again. If all else fails, you can always talk about:

(1) Your favorite post / series of posts / type of post that Happy Furry Puppy Story Time offers you in the way of embiggenance;

(2) Which celebrity and their celebrity aura would disappear (just one) if you had the ability. Or, if you're not malevolent, which celebrity's level of success or acclaim befuddles you the most;

(3) Which weblog, not authored by you, should be added to the bloated ranks on your right-hand side and why;

(4) Your thoughts, expectations, or hesitations concerning blogging either political convention; or

(5) Is DJ Jazzy Jeff being unjustly neglected as a great wax-spinner because of the Fresh Prince? (My guess: Yes. Yes he is)

Or anything else. Try not to screw it up. See you in 48 hours.

Welcome Curious Onlookers

Thanks to the invaluable assistance of the King of Fools, this site is semi-operational. However, until I get everything done, I'm still going to post at the old blogspot site.

UPDATE: No I'm not. Looks like this is it, for better or worse or until a younger domain with a rich daddy comes along.