August 23, 2007

Thursday Videographic Buttrock Explosion

Not really random, but I thought I'd take a few artist examples from the not-yet comprehensive list of butt rock bands in our taxonomy of shitty music and examine, through videos, what makes them so butt-rific. Once you have secured adequate visual protection (a radiation suit, welder's mask), click on the corners of the video thumbnails to get the full YouTube presentation:

Smooth Up In Ya by Bulletboys: This appears to be late-era Butt Rock, as the glam-rock trappings have been eschewed in favor of a more functional wardrobe (the lead singer still looks like a Polynesian woman, though). The music itself is more Def Leppard than Aerosmith, an approach favored by hyperclean bands like Slaughter and Winger. And the title... so perfect.

I Wanna Be Your Man by L.A. Guns: History will never know why Traci Guns and his merry band of miscreants faded off into obscurity, while his ex-partner, Axl Rose, hit the very pinnacle of rock stardom. Maybe it has something to do with this tinny-ass band and their dumb mansion/feast sets sucking ass. Exploding food? WTF?!? :(

Monkey Business by Danger Danger: Wow, no wonder I had never really heard of these guys. They're like Poison's slower cousins, or the Nelson crew after a few years of cocaine. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the set from Unskinny Bop. In a perfect world, this song would be the theme to a Nickelodeon children's show.

When I Look Into Your Eyes by Firehouse: Not to be confused with the flannel-loving Mike Watt project fIREHOSE; this is one of the rare poodle-haired rock bands where ballads seemed to be the rule rather than exception. Honestly, Peter Cetera would probably turn up his cute little button nose at schmaltzy dreck like this.

Can't Stop Me Lovin' You by Steelheart: You could work for ten years and not come up with a parody metal video that equals this. He starts off like David Coverdale, unpromisingly enough, and then weirdly morphs into the Chipmunks about halfway through.

Just Got Lucky by Dokken: It pains me to lump the great Don Dokken in with most of these hosers, but in the FIRST 15 SECONDS of the video, you get (a) a live shot of him spewing whiskey-mist and (b) a guitarist wearing a muscle shirt with the word "Balls" on it, and (c) another band member wearing sneakers and tiny little ankle-bandanas. Once we get to the Hall of Mirrors, though, he quickly rockets to the ionosphere of badassery.

More than happy to add and editorialize on your own buttrockular suggestions, should you drop them in the comments. We'll start with relatively obscure (say, ten seconds of screentime in Decline of Western Civilization II: The Metal Years) and then work our way out towards Tawny Kitaen doing a gymnastics routine on two Jaguars.

UPDATE Here's a nice Shit Rock (Category 1) preview...

Being without them would NOT take a lot of getting used to.




Posted by Norbizness at August 23, 2007 06:25 AM
Comments

I'm shocked, shocked I say to find out that you didn't include any videos from the Alan Parsons Project. Given your well known and insane dislike of the group, I figured you'd find some of their craptacular videos. As much as I love the Project, their videos suck hind tit.

I think Stereotomy is on YouTube. Include that with your IMS commentary and for once, I won't lambast you.

Saw the Ditty Bops last night. Good band for IMS.

Posted by: scott at August 23, 2007 08:45 AM

This is only Butt Rock (the first category); there are still ten areas to go.

Plus, an Alan Parsons video makes an appearance at the end of this post.

Posted by: norbizness at August 23, 2007 08:51 AM

couldn't locate a good clip of Eric Moore and the Godz, so have a cup of tea to Accept, Brownsville Station and Ram Jam.

Posted by: paperpusher at August 23, 2007 09:10 AM

Paperpusher - you need to be severely punished.

Posted by: Nancy in Detroit at August 23, 2007 10:53 AM

Oops, missed that breakdown. And the IWWTBLY video, while dated, is, by Project standards, one of the lesserly heinous videos.

Again, when you get to that category, look at Stereotomy.

In the meantime, I'll be trying to find pompous Rik Wakeman performances (hmmmm, isn't pompous and Rik Wakeman a double negative?) that should also be included. Oh, in a degree of seperation, for a while, he worked together with Dave Paton, the Project's longtime bassist and lead singer for Pilot ("Oh hoh ho it's magic!"). Oh, I've got a video from them doing "Just a Smile" that's awful.

I'm really getting way to into this.

Posted by: scott at August 23, 2007 11:32 AM

i'm still waiting for details on the Ratt hookup, Nancy - I've shared a joint with David Lee and drank beers in Steve Albini's apt (he was waiting for us to leave so he could watch a Rush concert video, swear to god), but swapped spit?

(makes flapping wings motion and clucking noises)

Posted by: paperpusher at August 23, 2007 12:39 PM

I prefer to combine the terms 'Butt Rock' and 'Hair Band' and call these Butt Hair Bands.

Posted by: Tom Hilton at August 23, 2007 12:45 PM

Chill out, Paper. That story will find a way, just give it time.

Posted by: norbizness at August 23, 2007 12:50 PM

P.S. After additional thought, if I ever start a spin-off web domain, I have narrowed down the three choices to

(a) dowhatnow.com
(b) smoothupinya.org
(c) bloatedmuseumoftreachery.gov

Posted by: norbizness at August 23, 2007 12:51 PM

You can get a .gov domain? You must be more connected than I thought.

Posted by: scott at August 23, 2007 01:08 PM

can't help it, norb - Butt Rock is teh hawt!

Posted by: paperpusher at August 23, 2007 03:04 PM

How about "The Final Countdown" by Europe? I saw that a decade ago on an episode of "Beavis and Butthead" and I'm STILL laughing over it.

Posted by: june at August 23, 2007 03:38 PM

I prefer to combine the terms 'Butt Rock' and 'Hair Band' and call these Butt Hair Bands.

We just called it Cock Rock when I was ignoring it first time around; maybe you can work that into the title or Norbiz can massage it into the category somehow.

(I reiterate my belief that their groupies were beards -- and fashion bringers -- they ostentatiously feigned interest in, purely for the guy-to-guy preening and posing going on.)

I hope Norbizness gets medals and accolades for this much-needed work. And excuse me, now I must hurl after seeing only two of the vids.

Posted by: Ellie at August 23, 2007 05:04 PM

You are developing quite impressive ordnance for the next YouTube Wars.

Posted by: billy pilgrim at August 23, 2007 05:15 PM

The only "Just Got Lucky" song I know is by the JoBoxers. Hmm, wait, did I say that out loud?

Posted by: Stacia at August 23, 2007 06:05 PM

How about "The Final Countdown" by Europe? I saw that a decade ago on an episode of "Beavis and Butthead" and I'm STILL laughing over it.

Clearly, you missed "Cherokee" by the same band.

Posted by: zuzu at August 24, 2007 11:22 AM

Thanks a lot, zuzu. Now I have to hunt down "Cherokee" and satisfy my curiosity, and I fear for my retinas.

Posted by: june at August 24, 2007 06:04 PM

Not sure what is with the surge of hate against 80s "cock rock" bands, considering we've endured years of youtube videos featuring nerds noodling on keyboards, however, Enuff Z'Nuff is a truly awful experience. It's so bad it almost makes it acceptable to forgive the 90's for alternative rock.

Paperpusher - up yours for the Accept jab, buddy. I hope you spend an eternity with libertarians.

Posted by: ChrisV82 at August 24, 2007 08:04 PM