Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Who Loves Heroin Saturation and Chaos? I Do! I Do!

"I heartily endorse this product and/or government."

Always good to know that the creation of a narcoterrorist state where the security situation has deteriorated since 2001 is only the second-biggest foreign policy screw-up of one's Administration. Here we have a re-mixed joint press availability with Presidents Bush and Karzai of Afghanistan (a shorter take on the fruitless visit is here).
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PRESIDENT BUSH: Good morning. Thank you; be seated. Welcome. I appreciate a man I've come to admire, President Karzai, for joining us. Laura and I had the honor of hosting the President for dinner last night. He and I spent a lot of this morning just sitting down alone talking about our common interests, common concerns. Natural gas. Smack. Jenga. Police Academy 3. President Karzai is an optimistic man. He's watched his country emerge from days of darkness to days of hope, rolling back to dusk, and then darkness again.

I appreciate your stewardship of the four-block area around the Presidential Palace in Kabul. I appreciate your commitment to empowering your people, including giving your 3000 bodyguards free dental insurance. Now if we could just get a dentist within 500 miles of where you're located.

We're working closely together to help the people of Afghanistan prosper. We're introducing all sorts of beloved American cartoon characters, like McGruff the Crime Dog and Neddie the Narcanon Narwhal, to combat crime, terrorism, and drug production. If that fails, we go to the big guns: Rachel Leigh Cook and that frying pan commercial.

We spent a fair amount of time talking about our security strategy, code named Operation: Doodlebug. If we can just ball up tightly enough, ignoring all news and national intelligence estimates, the Taliban, which I claimed was "no more" in 2003, will actually disappear.

We talked about the need to stem the narcotics trade. I'm sure the President will comment on this. He understands that it's very important for farmers to be incented to grow crops other than poppy. Say, why is there a little red line under "incented"? I learnded that word in my business schoolin'! Mr. President, I appreciate your commitment to not only dealing with the poppy growers and the poppy crop, but also dealing with corruption (crickets chirping).

And finally, I do want to congratulate you on the joint jirga that's coming up. This is a meeting between President Karzai, President Musharraf and representative elements from parts of their respective countries, all coming together to talk about reconciliation and how we can work together. And just think, a mere six years after we started operations over there. That's the sort of lightning quickness normally reserved for The Flash!

[More from the other President and a few questions in the extended entry...]

PRESIDENT KARZAI: Thank you very much. Thank you very much, Mr. President, for seeing me in Camp David. I was terribly afraid that you forgot that my country exists, and I wish to further thank you for remembering that it started with an "A." The other details weren't important.

I have been here many times before in America, thanking the American people for what they have given to Afghanistan. I have spoken of roads, I have spoken of schools, I have spoken of clinics, I have spoken of health services, I have spoken of education, I have spoken of agriculture, I've spoken of lots of achievements. Who knows, maybe there will one day be a real world analogue to my speech.

Mr. President, as we have gone a long way, progress has been made. We still continue to fight terrorism; our enemy is still there -- defeated, but still hiding in the mountains. He's so defeated that he's kidnapping international aid workers, staging suicide bombings, and controlling entire provinces the size of New England. Scoreboard: ME!

Yes, we do have the problem of poppies and narcotics in Afghanistan. Afghanistan is committed to fighting it because this evil is first hurting us, and then youth in the rest of the world. We are looking towards the glorious example of Colombia and how U.S. government assistance has led to a glorious, drug-free paradise (aides whispers in ear). Oh shit.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Thanks for coming. A couple of questions. Deb.

Q Mr. President, if you had actionable intelligence about the whereabouts of top al Qaeda leaders in Pakistan, would you wait for Musharraf's permission to send in U.S. forces, even if it meant missing an opportunity to take them out? And President Karzai, what will be your top concern when you meet with Musharraf later this week?

PRESIDENT BUSH: I am confident that with actionable intelligence, we will be able to bring top al Qaeda to justice. We're in constant communications with the Pakistan government. Sure, we've left about 498 messages on their machine, but with technology today, it'll be hundreds and hundreds more message before their answering machine memory runs out.

Q I will ask in Pashto and then I will translate my question. My question is for Mr. Karzai. (Speaking Pashto.) I will repeat in English, too. Four years ago, in a press conference, Mr. President Karzai said Taliban do not pose any threat to Afghan people. So who do you think supported Taliban to threaten the security by doing kidnappings and taking the government officials, and why?

PRESIDENT BUSH: ARREST THAT MAN! HE'S SPEAKIN' IN TERROR-CODE!

PRESIDENT KARZAI: Mr. President, please. Four years ago I did say that, and I continue to say that: The Taliban do pose dangers to our innocent people; to children going to school; to our clergy; to our teachers; to our engineers; to international aid workers. They are not posing any threat to the government of Afghanistan, because nobody knows where we are currently located, and we intend on keeping it that way.

Q Thank you, Mr. President. President Karzai said yesterday that he believed Iran was playing a helpful role in Afghanistan. Was he able to convince you in your meetings that that was the case, or do you still have concerns about Iran's role? And I have a question for President Karzai as well. Just wondering if the President was able to give you the assurances that you sought about the effort to reduce civilian casualties in Afghanistan?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Let me comment on the civilian casualties, if I might. I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

As for Iran, let me totally not answer that question at all and give you the beta speech Cheney gave me during post-hypnotic suggestion: "I believe that it's in the interests of all of us that we have an Iran that tries to stabilize, not destabilize; an Iran that gives up its weapons ambitions. And therefore, we're working to that end." Man, that snippet sucked!

PRESIDENT KARZAI: I had a good discussion with President Bush on civilian casualties. He did this most humorous pantomime, an exaggerated acting job where the punch line was "Please don't kill me!"

Q Mr. Karzai -- can I ask my question in Dari first?

PRESIDENT BUSH: NO WAY, MR. "AL" QAEDA! SECURITY! GET IN YOUR GOLF CARTS AND GET THE FUCK OVER HERE! (man carried out of press conference) Alright, folks, that looks like enough! Bye now!

PRESIDENT KARZAI: Thank you very much.
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Posted by Norbizness at August 7, 2007 06:04 AM