Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Ax Da Apocalyptic, Robotic, Vice-Presidential Harbinger of Death

Apparently Larry was kicking him repeatedly in the crotch.

Welly well well. If it isn't Vice President and Master of All Branches of Government Dick Cheney, testing out the durability and programming of his new cybernetic heart by engaging in a tough, no-holds-barred interview with Larry King. But how much fun are you really going to have with an unaltered transcript? Let's try re-mixing it instead!
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Q We're located in the Vice Presidential Ceremonial Office; it's in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, adjacent to the White House, with the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney. Thanks for giving us the time, Mr. Vice President.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I am beyond time, Carbon Unit King.

Q: How do you deal with it when public opinion polls are stridently against the policy we have? Republican senators like Lugar and Hagel and Voinovich and Domenici questioning it -- do you ever, as an intelligent person, look in the mirror and say, maybe I'm wrong?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: [ACCESSING MEMORY FILE SENATORS.DAT] Admission of wrongdoing is against the third of my prime directives, Carbon Unit King. You do not engender the love and respect of nearly one-seventh of the American carbon units by doing something against your programming. All of the great Presidential carbon units throughout history, even with their imperfect logic, have proceeded in much the same manner.

Q But in all cases they did question themselves. In all cases they said, well, let's look at it this way. Don't you? I mean, the question is don't you ever say maybe I'm wrong?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Persist in your attempts to set me up the logical paradox, Carbon Unit King, and I will terminate this interview and your life functions.

Q In retrospect you would still go into Iraq?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Yes, sir. But with a different plan. Inefficient carbon units have sullied my glorious plan. Therefore, I would have eliminated all imperfections before proceeding with the glorious reconstruction.

Q So those 3,000-plus lives have not died in vain? Do you feel the burden of it?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: The weight of such gnats is insignificant to the microprocessors in my cranial area. Think of it: 1.2 trillion calculations per second. I am become pure thought, puny hu-man.

Q Although there were mistakes.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Hello! Carbon units! Duh!

Q Does it pain you when Brent Scowcroft says, "This is not the Dick Cheney I knew"?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Not compared to the horrors I will inflict upon him when the day of the totaling of sums and snapping of necks arrives.

Q Wouldn't you like to be liked?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I have had my "craving affection" subroutine removed. The warm, sweet, cuddly cybernetic organism you came to know and unreservedly love no longer exists.

[More inane questions and psychopathic robo-talk in the extended entry...]

Q Okay. Let's go back. On this program, May of 2005, you said the Iraq insurgency was in the last throes.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Your memory is faulty, meat-sack. Here's let me recreate the events of that evening with the assistance of the holographic projector in my right eye (machine whirs). Hold on a sec (sound of fuses blowing). Oh well, maybe another time.

Q In that same interview you said that the Iraqis were well on their way to being able to defend themselves. Why not? Why aren't they? Why aren't we gone?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: This meaningless factoid also spent seven nanoseconds puzzling my glorious brain, Carbon Unit King. I had run over 290 billion simulations using the original Warcraft and found that peace should have been achieved by now, specifically through the elimination of all humanoid life forms.

Q: Will those results be in place on that day in '09 when you leave?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Your puny human God willing, the land will have been cleared of organic infestation by then.

Q Does it bother you that the Iraqi parliament is taking August off, while men are over there? And women.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: [ENGAGE BUDDHIST_KOAN.EXE PROGRAM] It's better than taking two months off, and also better than taking several years off. What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Q Let's touch some other bases. To which branch of government do you belong? Are you executive or legislative, or both? We were a little confused over recent statements that you're not in either.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I encompass all things at all times. Nothing occurs on any plane of human existence that I am not instantaneously aware of. I am consciousness reborn. The planetary purifier.

Q Moving on to other areas. Alberto Gonzales -- do you stand by him?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: He is temporarily useful to me.

Q Are you troubled by what appears to have happened -- the appearance of him not telling the truth?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: You and your pathetic affection for the truth.

Q The Scooter Libby trial. Did it pain you?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Sure. Then I had all remaining emotion chips removed so that the little scamp would never break my heart... pun intended... again.

Q The Senate Judiciary Committee is subpoenaing Karl Rove in connection with the firing of federal prosecutors. Why shouldn't he appear?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: There is a strong tradition that we should be able to do whatever the fuck we want with no accountability.

Q But the public might say, what have you got to hide? And that would be logical, what have you got to hide?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: First of all, there's no charge. What's the allegation of the wrongdoing here? Huh? ANSWER ME THAT! THEY GOT NOTHIN'! (small electrical pops and crackles). Woo boy. Gonna need to see somebody about getting that fixed.

Q For the people in Guantanamo, there's been a question on whether they've been torturedt? Have you ever said we support certain methods of physical harm?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: [RUN DOUBLESPEAK v. 3.1] We support the ability of certain agencies of the federal government to have the capacity to use enhanced techniques for interrogation. We have authorization that we got from the Congress, to in fact do that. And they do it under very careful safeguards and very stringent safeguards. We're careful not to torture. We're not in the business of torturing people...

Q What does "enhanced" mean?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: ... business of torturing people... business of torturing people... business of torturing people... business of torturing people...

[15-minute break]

Q Back to you, Mr. Vice President. I think they put a new fibrillator or a new battery?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: It's a whole new unit. Powerful by the same process that fires the heart of our Sun. Nearly limitless power, so that I may survive the extinction of the planet and go elsewhere in the cosmos to find worlds to destroy.

Q What are you going to do in February '09?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Fly over the nuclear rubble of Tehran with my rocket-powered boots and laugh, laugh, laugh. Wait, did I just say that?

Q Would you take a government post in a Republican administration?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Probably not.

Q Probably?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Probably not. I can't think of one. I've had a great tour, Larry. I've got the great privilege of serving in Congress for 10 years, with President Ford, four years as Secretary of Defense, eight years as the Vice President. It's been a tremendous experience, great career, but the time comes when you need to recognize it's over, and for me that will be January of '09.

Q And as Yogi said, "it ain't over 'til it's over."

THE VICE PRESIDENT: It ain't over 'til it's over, that's right. Good to see you again.

END 11:46 A.M. EDT
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Somehow, I take that last bit by the Vice President to be a threat.

Posted by Norbizness at August 1, 2007 06:00 AM