Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out and Delusional

Well, I feel a whole lot more confident looking at these stills. How about you?

Everybody likes re-mixed Presidential press conferences, especially when he's running on fumes of stupidity and wholesale abandonment, right? Can I get a "fuckin' A!" from at least two readers? If you want a quick summary instead of the partial amelioration of the concentrated, tired propaganda below, check here.
-----------------------------------
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thank you. Yesterday, America lost an extraordinary First Lady and a fine Texan, Lady Bird Johnson. She brought grace to the White House and beauty to our country. On behalf of the American people, Laura and I send our condolences to her daughters, Linda and Luci, and we offer our prayers to the Johnson family [I'll leave this fine tribute in unaltered].

Before I answer some of your questions, today I'd like to provide the American people with an update on the situation in Iraq. Believe it or not, everything's still pretty kick ass over there. Turns out we didn't even really need the surge, because.. um.. it's like totally cleared up and stuff, and a mere half-decade after I thought everything was taken care of. So I guess we won't be needing any questions on THAT subject.

Well, I guess you're owed more than that. We've entered a fourth phase: ultimate kickassitude and democratic floweration. It's gotten so good for everybody involved that Hallmark is sending over an emergency shipment of 100,000 "Sorry About the Death Squads" cards to cement the political reconciliation. And what's good for Hallmark is good for America.

As President, my most solemn responsibility is to keep the American people working for the benefit of large multinational corporations like KBR and the Carlyle Group. So on my orders, good men and women... and even a couple of hundred thousand contractors... are now fighting the terrorists on the front lines in Iraq. Forget all those other countries, they're just a distraction. As a result, sometimes the debate over Iraq is cast as a disagreement between those who want to keep our troops in Iraq and those who want to bring our troops home. And this is not the real debate. I don't know anyone who doesn't want to see the day when our brave servicemen and women can start coming home, so long as that day falls somewhere near the 12th of Never, 2054.

In my address to the nation in January, I put it this way: stick with me for six more months and everything will be be a stone groove. And, as you heard the unimpeachable.. whoops, Freudian slip.. evidence at the beginning of my address, I have kept true to my word and am now poised to be the most popular human being in world history. So I guess I can dispense with all of the normal platitudes about needing to win, because it's already totally won and stuff. No, no.. don't thank me. I was just barely doing my job. Thank the Lord Jesus Christ for answering my heartfelt prayers not to have my approval ratings pinned somewhere between pre-resignation Nixon and hemorrhoids.

I know you, as pestilent little accountability-worms, want a few specifics. Well, two months ago, in the supplemental appropriations bill funding our troops, Congress established 18 benchmarks to gauge the progress of the Iraqi government. Today my administration has submitted to Congress an interim report that says that we've completely met 133% of those benchmarks. That's right, 24 of them. We knocked those first eighteen so quickly that we made up a few new goals, some involving Playstation 3's and go-kart tracks, and then kicked the shit out of them as well. You may applaud now.

Those who believe that the battle in Iraq is lost haven't heard what I just said. ONE HUNDRED... AND THIRTY THREE... MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT. I expect my approval rating will soon follow, and will start interring one out of every ten Americans if it doesn't. I will rely on General Petraeus to give me his recommendations for the construction of 500-foot George W. Bush statues, not unlike the Christ of the Andes, to be placed in every city quarter and every five miles along rural roads in Iraq. I know some in Washington would like us to start leaving Iraq now. Not before them fuckings statues get built.

And now I'll be glad to answer a few questions.

[You heard the man. Questions and "answers" in the extended entry...]

Q Mr. President, you started this war, a war of your choosing, and you can end it alone, today, at this point -- bring in peacekeepers, U.N. peacekeepers. Two million Iraqis have fled their country as refugees. Two million more are displaced. Thousands and thousands are dead. Don't you understand, you brought the al Qaeda into Iraq.

THE PRESIDENT: Actually, I was hoping to solve the Iraqi issue diplomatically (gales of laughter). Now, really. What constitutes a "gale"? This parenthetical guy is bullshit. I mean, it was Saddam's fault we went to war. Let him rise from the dead and contradict me if'n that ain't the case! I don't hear nothin'... do you?

We're at the beginning stages of a great ideological conflict between those who yearn for peace and those who want their children to grow up in a normal, decent society... I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! I'm NOT talking about the 2008 elections! Dammit, why was I cursed with this mind-reading ability?

Q Mr. President, you're facing a rebellion from key Republican senators who want you to change course and begin reducing the U.S. combat role. Given the mixed report that you present today, how do you persuade Republicans to stick with you as they look ahead to the next elections?

THE PRESIDENT: A couple of things: (1) Where you gonna go? (2) Stop your cryin', or I'll GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT. You knew what this was, you traitorous traitors of treason! Er.. I mean... I value the advice of those senators. I appreciate their concerns about the situation in Iraq, and I am going to continue to pretend to listen to them while the soundtrack from Footloose plays in my head.

Q Mr. President, in addition to members of your own party, the American public is clamoring for a change of course in Iraq. Why are you so resistant to that idea, and how much longer are you willing to give the surge to work before considering a change in this policy?

THE PRESIDENT: First, I understand why the American people are -- you know, they're tired of the war. There is -- people are -- there is a war fatigue in America. It's affecting our psychology. I've said this before. I understand that this is an ugly war [not altered].

I went to the country in January and said I have made this decision. I said what was happening on the ground was unsatisfactory in Iraq. So I've split my cards, doubled down, sacked up, sucked it in, puffed it out, and moved forward with a plan nobody not paid to believes in. That should show everyone that I'm crazyserious. And you asked, how long does one wait? I will repeat, as the Supreme Ultra-Commander in Chief of a furfty zillion dollar military, it's gonna happen any day you. And you can't quote or hold me to that.

Q You talk about all the troops now being in place, and only in place the last three weeks or a month. Yet three-quarters of the troops for the surge were in place during the period when this July interim report was written. Are you willing to keep the surge going, no matter what General Petraeus says, if there is no substantial Iraqi political progress by September?

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Next?

Q But there has been no substantial political progress, even with three-quarters of the troops in there.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, as I mentioned --

Q Will you keep that going through September, even if there isn't?

THE PRESIDENT: Martha, give it a fucking rest, already! I already didn't answer the question. What's it going to take, a trap door or something?

Q Have you entertained the idea that at some point Congress may take some of that sole decision-making power away, through legislation?

THE PRESIDENT: You mean in this interim period? Yes. I don't think Congress ought to be running the war. Especially now that there are Democrats. I've only got two questions for them: (1) Where's my money? and (2) Gimme the money.

Q Mr. President, you've said many times this war at this stage is about the Iraqi government creating a self-sustaining, stable government. Last November, your own CIA Director, according to The Washington Post, told you about that government: "The inability of the government to govern seems irreversible. He could not point to any milestone or checkpoint where we can turn this thing around." And he said, in talking about the government, that it's balanced, but it cannot function.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes. [not altered]

Q When you heard that, since that point, you think of how many hundreds of soldiers have been killed, how much money has been spent. Why shouldn't people conclude that you are either stubborn, in denial, but certainly not realistic about the strategy that you've pursued since then?

THE PRESIDENT: [stamps feet, pouts, crosses arms, puts fingers in ears] [minutes elapse] What was that about being stubborn? I deny that!

Q But you think you've been realistic about the strategy and what's possible? (gales of laughter)

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you for the follow-up... and the gales... those infernal gales. What's realistic, as well, is to understand the consequences of what will happen if we fail in Iraq. I mean, we've been dealing so well with hypotheticals for the last six years, why not listen in on this one? AL-QAEDA 9/11 FOLLOW US HERE IN OUR HOMES TAKING THE FIGHT STANDING DOWN AND STANDING UP. I've got a warhead-proof underground lair, but I'm betting the rest of you schlubs don't. Think on that.

Q Mr. President, in Jordan in November, you stood by Prime Minister Maliki and said he's the right guy for Iraq. Given this report card today and given the lack of top-down political reconciliation, can you tell the American people that you still believe he's the right guy for Iraq?

THE PRESIDENT: I believe that he understands that there needs to be serious reconciliation... preferably of his bank account as his loots what remaining precious assets they have before heading for a heavily armed fortress-island in the Caribbean.

So I've got confidence in them, but I also understand how difficult it is. I'm not making excuses, but it is hard. It's hard work for them to get law passed. Especially those bills with lotsa numbers in them... they're called budgets and giveaways. I mean, it's just like here in Washington, D.C., except that we're not getting explodirated in car bombs every day. Yet.

Q You spoke very soberly and seriously in your statement about how you weighed different legal questions in coming to your decision on Libby's commutation. But one issue that you did not address was the issue of the morality of your most senior advisors leaking the name of a confidential intelligence operator. Now that the case is over -- it's not something you've ever spoken to -- can you say whether you're at all disappointed in the behavior of those senior advisors? And have you communicated that disappointment to them in any way?

THE PRESIDENT: Michael, I -- first of all, the Scooter Libby decision was, I thought, a fair and balanced decision. Secondly, I haven't spent a lot of time talking about the testimony that people throughout my administration were forced to give as a result of the special prosecutor. I mean, what's that got to do with anything? Who cares? Not me, and by extension not you and not anyone else. Next line of questioning.

Q Thank you. Thank you, sir. How comfortable are you -- sir, how comfortable are you with your Homeland Security Secretary saying, in the face of no credible intelligence of an imminent threat against the United States, that he has a gut feeling that one is coming this summer? And, sir, what does your gut tell you?

THE PRESIDENT: My gut tells me that -- which my head tells me, as well -- is that I need me a sandwich with lots of cool, tangy Miracle Whip in about five minutes or I'm going to turn into a real grouch. But look at the SKULL on Chertoff! You gonna bet against that supercomputer? Good lord Almighty, I could rub that thing for days and still miss a few spots!

[God, this is getting tiresome. Be glad I cut out two or three lengthy, repetitive monologues and simpering questions from the press. We now arrive at the comic coda.]

Thank you all for your time. I loved being here at this new building. Thank you.

Q Can we just ask you about the al Qaeda intelligence report, please?

THE PRESIDENT: What was that? This is amazing. [not altered]

Q I know, I know.

THE PRESIDENT: The new me. Fucking liquid paper. I am so high, but so light. Can you see me all the way down there? Wheeeeee.....

Q The intelligence analysts are saying al Qaeda has reconstituted in areas of Pakistan, saying the threat to the West is greater than ever now, as great as 2001. What's --

THE PRESIDENT: STOP HARSHING MY LIQUID PAPER MELLOW, DUDE!

Q Okay, you tell us what --

THE PRESIDENT: I tell you what, it's a gateway office supply to those big ass magic markers. I think I'll do my next press conferences ripped to the tits on magic marker fumes.

Thank you all.

END 11:30 A.M. EST

Posted by Norbizness at July 13, 2007 01:14 AM