Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Yo! MTV Axes Da President, With Ed Lover and Dr. Dre!

Strength. Agility. Leadership. Unfortunately, sorely lacking in all three.

Press Conference by the President May 24, 2007. Re-mixed by The Left, although you should read the whole thing. Wellllll... fuck that, just find the first mention of "Saddam" to be really horrified. Away we go!
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THE PRESIDENT: Please be seated. Thank you, all. Good morning. Today, Congress will vote on legislation that allows me to keep that lovely war going without any conditions. God bless those little spineless bastards. It's got useless benchmarks! HOW about THAT! That was my Mel Allen impersonation.

This summer is going to be a critical time for the new new new new strategy of doing pretty much what we've been failing at doing for the last four years. We're a-gonna be a-reinforcin' and a-killin', whoopin' and whompin' and a-beatin' every living thing to within an inch of their lives. That was my Slim Pickens impersonation. CLAP, DAMMIT!

Another important issue before Congress is immigration reform, yet another thing that I'll fail to pass before my all-too-brief eight years is up. I want to thank the bipartisan group of senators who produced a bill that will get shot to shit by a larger bipartisan group of people.

The issues of war and immigration are difficult, but that's no excuse in avoiding our responsibility to pretend to act. The American people sent us to Washington to dick around and ruin our long-term fiscal and foreign policy stability for the next generation, and that's proceeding just fine. And now I'll be glad to answer some of your questions.

Q Thank you, Mr. President. The IAEA says that Iran has significantly accelerated its uranium enrichment program. And today President Ahmadinejad said that he would go ahead, he vowed to go ahead. There also is the detention of three Iranian Americans. Where is this all headed? And do you think it's time for tough U.N. sanctions with real teeth, and are you confident that Russia and China would go ahead?

THE PRESIDENT: Whoa-ho! Slow down there, pardner. What's an I-A-E-I-O-U? Who's Abdullahbajab? When did we start working with Commies? Get back to me when you get your head together, man!

Q Mr. President, dozens of American troops have been killed this month, and sectarian violence appears to be rising again in Iraq. You, yourself, just said that you're expecting more casualties in the weeks and months ahead. How much longer do you believe you can sustain your current policy in Iraq without significant progress on the ground?

THE PRESIDENT: Obviously, the loss of life is devastating to families. I fully understand that. But I want to remind you as to why I sent more troops in. I just can't remember right at this moment. Thank God we have Generalissmo Peter "Rock Me Amadeus" Petraeus to answer all your grown-up questions. It's his plan, and I told him to tell me that it was a good'un. He told me to give him until September, and then ask for another extension. How long that extension will be for is unknown to me. But I'm sunny and confident and full of positive vibrations. So don't harsh my mellow.

Q Good morning, Mr. President. A lot of lawmakers in Congress are saying that China has not done enough to allow its currency to appreciate, and they're talking about things like duties. What is your view about that, and are you prepared to do more to encourage the appreciation of the yuan?

THE PRESIDENT: I'm sorry, I was playing with this little push-button water ring-toss game. [sotto voce] Chòubiǎozi.

Q Mr. President, a new Senate report this morning contends that your administration was warned before the war that by invading Iraq you would actually give Iran and al Qaeda a golden opportunity to expand their influence, the kind of influence you were talking about with al Qaeda yesterday, and with Iran this morning. Why did you ignore those warnings, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: Why do I ignore any warnings, Ed? Why will I do it again? Can't you appreciate that I made a decision? It was deciderated! Decisimento! If those so-called military experts are so smart, who's gonna win tonight's Cavs-Pistons game? All I hear are crickets! They got nothin'!

You know, the lessons of September the 11th are these: we've got to stay on the offense; we've got to bring these people to justice before they hurt again; and at the same time, defeat their ideology with the ideology based upon liberty. And that's what you're seeing, and they're resisting it [this paragraph not altered: let it sink in].

{More astoundingly idiotic pronouncements (and their re-mixes) in the extended entry...}

Q You say you want nothing short of victory, that leaving Iraq would be catastrophic; you once again mentioned al Qaeda. Does that mean that you are willing to leave American troops there, no matter what the Iraqi government does?

THE PRESIDENT: We are there at the invitation of the Iraqi government, loosely defined as there being at least one CIA-funded stooge who says what we like to hear. This is a sovereign nation. It's their government's choice. If they were to say, leave, we would leave. After another five years.

Q -- catastrophic, as you've said over and over again?

THE PRESIDENT: I would hope that they would recognize that the results would be catastrophic... er... as opposed to the paradise on Earth we've given them out of the goodness of Halliburton's black heart. This is a sovereign nation, Martha. I don't know what that means, but they are that thing!

Q Mr. President, after the mistakes that have been made in this war, when you do as you did yesterday, where you raised two-year-old intelligence, talking about the threat posed by al Qaeda, it's met with increasing skepticism. The majority in the public, a growing number of Republicans, appear not to trust you any longer to be able to carry out this policy successfully. Can you explain why you believe you're still a credible messenger on the war?

THE PRESIDENT: No way, dude. I am totally credible. That is like so bogus, David. You wanna be attacked? Would that make you happy? Look, this has been a long, difficult experience for the American people (cries of "What, your Presidency?"). Hey, shut up.

I believe I have an obligation to selectively tell the truth to the American people as to the nature of the enemy at opportune times when our entire Justice Department is testifying as to their federal crimes before a Congressional committee. And it's unpleasant for some (cries of "And this press conference is no picnic either, that's for sure!"). Who IS that guy? And I'm going to keep talking about it (audible groans). That's my job as the President (louder groans).

Q Thank you, Mr. President. I'd like to ask you about the Petraeus report, which as you say, will be in September, and report on the progress. Doesn't setting up the September date give the enemy exactly what you've said you don't want them to have, which is a date to focus on, and doesn't it guarantee a bloody August?

THE PRESIDENT: Holy shit, you're right! (Gets on wristwatch-radio) Petraeus! Don't give me any status reports! Just e-mail me a picture of you giving a thumbs-up sign! Got that? Good!

Q -- Democrats on that in the Senate about --

THE PRESIDENT: Petraeus. Petraeus. Petraeus (reporter vanishes in a poof of smoke). Hot shit, it worked!

Q Good morning, Mr. President. I'd like to ask you about the Justice Department. We heard disturbing evidence yesterday that a senior official at the Justice Department improperly took, by her own admission, political considerations into effect in evaluating career employees of the Justice Department. We've also had evidence from the former Deputy Attorney General of the White House strong-arming a sick man into trying to approve an illegal spying program. I'm curious, Mr. President, if you are concerned about the cumulative picture that's being drawn about your Justice Department?

THE PRESIDENT: When you're right, you're right, Michael. I think I need to start over with some sorta Justice League. Or maybe former Atlanta Braves slugger David Justice... (trails off).

But this investigation is taking a long time, kind of being drug out, I suspect for political question -- for political reasons. I mean, Whitewater was over in a few days, right? No, I'm asking, I was prettttty drunk for most of the 90s... er... 80s. You know, whenever all that shit happened.

Q Mr. President, yesterday you discussed Osama bin Laden's plans to turn Iraq into a terrorist sanctuary. What do you think your own reaction would have been five years ago had you been told that towards the end of your term he would still be at large with that kind of capability, from Iraq, no less, and why -- can you tell the American people -- is he still on the run? Why is he so hard to catch?

THE PRESIDENT: I don't deal in hypotheticals. That sounds like dangerous science fiction. What if I slept with my own grandmother, like Fry did in Futurama? It depends... which grandmother are we talking about? They were both comely women, in their own way. Grammy Pierce was... wait a minute. Osama who?

Q Mr. President, why is he still at large?

THE PRESIDENT: Why is he at large? (nervous chuckling) Why indeed?

Q Mr. President, moments ago you said that al Qaeda attacked us before we were in Iraq. Since then Iraq has become much less stable; al Qaeda has used it as a recruiting tool, apparently with some success. So what would you say to those who would argue that what we've done in Iraq has simply enhanced al Qaeda and made the situation worse?

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, so, in other words, the option would have been just let Saddam Hussein stay there? (leaves podium, jabs index finger in reporter's chest) Your question is, should we not have left Saddam Hussein in power? Hey, folks, we done got ourselves a Saddam-lover here! Where's the tar and feathers? (up-tempo, minor-key bluegrass music starts playing)

See, that's the kind of attitude -- I mean, check this fucker out! He likes tyrannosauric despotaters! What a fucking... unbelievable... cunt this guy is! I can't fucking believe this shit! You're banned from Air Force One, jackass! (rips off clip-on tie, starts mopping brow with it)

So the heart of your question is, shouldn't you have left Saddam Hussein in power? And the answer is, he tried to kill my Dad. The same, goddamned, mother-ma-fuckin' answer it's always been.

Q So there was no choice -- so there was no choice between the course we took and leaving Saddam Hussein in power? Nothing else that might have worked?

THE PRESIDENT: God, I'm surprised I could remember two things. Don't confuse me.

Q Thanks, Mr. President. You've said many times that you plan to sprint to the finish of your presidency. At this point in the home stretch, what can you say you're still expecting to accomplish? And how concerned are you that the immigration bill in particular is going to get caught up in electoral politics?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, thanks. Well, we need to pass some tax cuts, balloon the deficit a little more... I mean, did you see that thing? It's almost under $300 billion. That just won't do. Follow that shit up with another round of tax cuts, make a tax cut or two permanent, and... let's see. Well, enriching Pioneer campaign contributors, that's a given. And finally, thwarting the nefarious schemes of the tax-and-spend Defeatocrats, who at this very moment are plotting from their evil headquarters somewhere in France! Damn, I could sure go for a Justice League right about it.

[you can thank me later, he filibustered for about 20 paragraphs on his doomed legislative initatives in the actual transcript]

I want to thank you for your interest. Now piss off.

END 11:51 A.M. EDT

Posted by Norbizness at May 25, 2007 12:00 AM