Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Shorter Monica Goodling Career

I move for a bad testimony thingy!

You can try reading 18,500 words of real-time testimony coverage pecked together in some sort of obscure shorthand code, or (worse) actually watch this train wreck on your Real Players and such, thereby missing out on the two-hour finale of Lost (yes, I will probably suckered into that). But that's why I semi-exist: how about this series of altered Lionel Hutz quotes and exchanges instead? The choice is barely clear!

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Lisa: Excuse me, Ms. Goodling. Are you a millenial Christian reconstructionist?
Goodling: How does a nice little girl like you know a big phrase like that?
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Mr. Gonzales, the federal statutes forbid me from promising you a clean slate of conservative Republican yes-prosecutors. But just between you and me, I promise you a clean slate of conservative Republican yes-prosecutors.
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Monica Goodling, Regent University hack. I'll be testifying for you on the charges of... illegal purges of career prosecutors and fraudulent voter suppression! Wow! Even if I appear to be a jackass despite my immunity deal, I'll be famous!
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Now Deputy AG McNulty, Mr. Gonzales claims he forgot he was making decisions based on obscure Biblical law contained in... Leviticus. Most unforgiving book in the Pentateuch. What's that? You want me to read you? I'm in the middle of a committee hearing!
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Lisa: Ms. Goodling, why are you burning all of your personal papers?
Goodling: As of now, Monica Goodling no longer exists. Say hello to Laura Ingraham!
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That was a right-pretty speech, Mr. Committee Chairman. But I ask you, what is an "illegal firing"? The statutes define it as "one made exclusively for political considerations." EXCLUSIVELY FOR POLITICAL CONSIDERATIONS (pauses). Excuse me, I must use the restroom (dashes off).
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And as for your defense of racially motivated voter suppression tactics, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in this state -- often as a lawyer (drinks her Orange Julius).
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Goodling: Thank you, House Committee. I rest my case.
Committee Chair: You rest your case?
Goodling: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. CASE CLOSED.
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I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality (not altered).
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Goodling: All right gentleman. I will make ill-informed hiring decisions on the most arbitrary bases possible for the Justice Department. But I will require a thousand dollar retainer.
Gonzales: A thousand dollars? But your resume says "no money down".
Goodling: Oh, they got this all screwed up. [corrects ad with felt-marker]
Gonzales: So you don't work on a contingency basis?
Goodling: No, money down! Oops, I'm a Regent University School of Law graduate. I probably shouldn't have the Bar Association logo here either [eats resume].
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I've never had more faith in my government than I do right now.