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Catching Up With Ax Da President

A searing indictment of transatlantic prep schools... in stereo!

And he brought a little friend. Today, we have "President Bush Participates in Joint Press Availability with United Kingdom Prime Minister Blair" (un-remixed version here).

PRESIDENT BUSH: Thank you. I'm pleased to welcome Tony Blair back to the White House. I don't much feel like a dominant leader these days, but I can always count on him to scamper off into a corner when I whack him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

You know, I was sitting with Tony on the Truman balcony last night, and we were discussing a lot of issues. Like he was telling me who exactly Truman was. And it dawned on me, once again, what a clear strategic thinker he is. That's why he's smart enough to quit and I'm going to linger like an extra-stinky Presidential fart for another 1.6 years.

We talked about a lot of issues over a dinner of McDonald's cheeseburgers. We talked about, of course, Iraq. As a matter of fact, the Prime Minister and I have just finished a video conference with our respective commanders and ambassadors from Baghdad. I couldn't really talk much because I had a mouth full of cheeseburger and orange drink most of the time.

We talked about Afghanistan. He reminded me that it is a real country, pointed it out on a regional map, then pointed out where the region was on a globe, and finally gave me some tips on how to pronounce the name of this little opium-producing dynamo. We talked about the Middle East, and we're concerned about the violence we see in Gaza, and wonder if there's anything we can do to make it exponentially worse, since that seems to be our strong suit.

We talked about Iran. We fully recognize that the Iranians must not have a nuclear weapon. And therefore it's important to detonate a few of them over major metropolitan areas, as the plan developed by our esteemed advisers in the Free Republic states, in order to show them that these nuclear weapons, while seemingly cool, are bad news indeed. We talked about, of course, Africa. We spent a lot of time talking about Africa. It's the best song Toto ever did.

And we talked, of course, about climate change. We spent a lot of time on climate change. And I agree with the Prime Minister, as I have stated publicly, this is a serious issue, and the United States takes it seriously, just like we take energy security seriously (barely stifles chuckling). Damn, almost made it.

It's been a joy having you back here, Tony. The flowers seem to bloom in even more vibrant colors when you're around. McDonald's Cheeseburgers just seem to taste better. You found that secret level for me in Super Mario Brothers that I never knew existed. I appreciate -- every time I'm with you I appreciate very much the insight you provide. And I guess, for the final time as Prime Minister, you get to address the good folks in our country from the Rose Garden.

[some remarks from The Poodle Minister and press questions below the fold]

PRIME MINISTER BLAIR: Well, thank you very much, Mr. President, and thank you, as ever, for the kindness and graciousness of your welcome to me here at the White House. You have been a strong leader at a time when the world needed strong leadership like it needed a sliced Achilles tendon. You've been unyielding and unflinching, and determined in the fight that we face together. A fat fucking lot of good that's done us.

And I also would take this opportunity of saying that I believe that the relationship between the United States of America and Britain is a relationship that is in the interests of our two countries and in the interests of the peace and stability of the wider world (pauses, turns to Bush). Wow, it's like you've infected me with stupid.

Our commanders in Iraq are telling us that there are the majority elements in each of the main communities, whether Sunni, or Shia, or Kurd, who actually want to live in peace with one another, and want a future for that country that is not marred by terrorism and sectarianism. At least that's what they've been able to lip-read, transcribe, and half-assedly translate as roving gangs of death squads sponsored by the government make vast areas of the country inaccessible to our hunkered-down troops.

Thank you.

PRESIDENT BUSH: So as a parting gift to the Prime Minister, we'll take some questions. (Laughter.)

Q Thank you. Mr. Prime Minister, will Britain in the coming months and years be as staunch an ally in Iraq for the United States as it has been under your leadership? And, Mr. President, will you sign a war spending bill that has consequences for the Iraqi government if it fails to meet benchmarks for progress?

PRIME MINISTER BLAIR: Yeah, whatever. What do I care?

PRESIDENT BUSH: First I applaud what Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi said, that time is of the essence; we've got to get the bill done, and if need be -- I think they said -- they would keep members here to get the troops funded. But I have to admit that just thinking of the troops' fate being dependent on two known Islamofascist agents... once again, this is based on valuable Free Republic intelligence... makes my blood boil. Secondly, we understand benchmarks are important. I accept and respect the members' desire to have benchmarks -- after all, I'm the person who laid them out initially. I also invented Iraq and the wireless radio.

Q It has been confirmed that Gordon Brown is going to be the next British Prime Minister, taking over in 40 days' time. Mr. Blair, what you say to those people who are saying now there is a new Prime Minister in place, you should go sooner? And to Mr. Bush, you once said that you would like Tony Blair to stay for the duration of your presidency. He's not doing that. Do you think you're partly to blame for that?

PRESIDENT BUSH: I haven't polled the Labour conference, but could be. (Laughter.) The question is, am I to blame for his leaving? I don't know.

Q And what do you think of Brown?

PRESIDENT BUSH: It's no HARVARD OR YALE! (Does impromptu 5-minute rendition of fight songs replete with megaphone and athletic sweater)

PRIME MINISTER BLAIR: I'll answer the question about the President, as well, in relation to me. You can debate that as much as you like, but I want to say one thing to you-- I've admired him as a President and I regard him as a friend. I have taken the view that Britain should stand shoulder-to-shoulder with America after September 11th. You can go ahead and stencil that epitaph on my political headstone in the history books.

Q Thank you, sir. The fate of Paul Wolfowitz appears to be hanging in the balance. After all we've heard in recent days, is it still possible for him to provide the kind of leadership needed at the Bank?

PRESIDENT BUSH: WHAT?!? Something's happened to Wolfie? He's in trouble? Holy shit, shut down this press conference!

Q Mr. President, if I could ask you, is this really still the right man to be talking to?

PRESIDENT BUSH: You know, it's interesting, like trying to do a tap dance on his political grave, aren't you? I mean, I killed him and his credibility off years ago. You're talking to a zombie here. Don't you realize the importance of this event?

Q Thank you, sir. There's been some very dramatic testimony before the Senate this week from one of your former top Justice Department officials, who describes a scene that some senators called "stunning," about a time when the wireless -- when the warrantless wiretap program was being reviewed. Sir, did you send your then Chief of Staff and White House Counsel to the bedside of John Ashcroft while he was ill to get him to approve that program? And do you believe that kind of conduct from White House officials is appropriate?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Kelly, there's a lot of speculation about what happened and what didn't happen; I'm not going to talk about it, because I love speculation so very much. I'm not invoking any privilege here, I'm not standing on any principle at all, I just don't fucking feel like it. Cram it sideways with walnuts.

Q Was it on your order, sir?

PRESIDENT BUSH: As I said, this program is a necessary program that was constantly reviewed and constantly briefed to the Congress. It's an important part of protecting the United States. And if I say anything further... well, it's like one of those trip-mines I saw in that movie Commando... if I take my foot off it, kaboom there goes the fucking country!

Q What about David Cameron?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Never met him. Is he on the Joe Gibbs Racing Team?

PRIME MINISTER BLAIR (after about 12 minutes of aimless verbal diarrhea): When all of that is cleared away, you're left with something very, very simple, fundamental, and clear: that a battle for values is still going on. And you can debate about the mistakes and the issues and you can debate about Iraq, whether we should have done this or we should have done that. I mean, I tried to outlaw such debates, but they kept popping up.

But, actually, what is happening in Iraq today is that our enemy is fighting us, and, therefore, if what happens when our enemy fights us is that we drift away from our friends... (mops sweat off brow)... George, are you sure I'm not getting stupidity poisoning? I'm not used to this!

They ask, are these guys standing up for what they believe, or if we carry on, is their will going to diminish and they're going to give up, because it's just too difficult, because the public opinion is too difficult, because the opinion polls tell them it's too difficult?" (vomits and collapses)

PRESIDENT BUSH: What I know is the world needs courage. And what I know is this good man is a courageous man. Thanks for coming.

END 11:59 A.M. EDT

Posted by Norbizness at May 17, 2007 04:12 PM