April 24, 2007
A Quick One While He Hits The Ether-Soaked Rag
Two salty old military dogs, just cold lampin'.
Original here, a patented Ax Da President re-mix below.
THE PRESIDENT: It's my high honor to welcome General David Petraeus back to the Oval Office. I guess that means that nasty Iraq business is all behind us. I also appreciate Deputy Secretary England and General Pace joining us; now we can play four-square! Don't forget that I get to deciderate the rules and such.
General Petraeus has taken on a very important assignment for the security of our country, and for the peace of the world, and for the stability of the interplanetary federation of badasses... that is to help this young Iraqi democracy become stable, evolve into a country that can defend itself and govern itself, and while we're piling impossible things on him... curing cancer, developing a water-powered car, adding six inches to my manhood, and getting the remaining members of The Stone Roses back together. So General Petraeus, we welcome you here.
GENERAL PETRAEUS: It's a real drag to be pulled away from those unarmored, unescorted strolls around the floral paradise that Baghdad has become, but anything for you, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: It's a tough time there, as the General will tell the Congress. Wait a minute.. floral paradise? What's that mean? Errr... he's here not only to check in with me, since all my computers, phones, and PDAs are bugged by rogue Commie agents, but he'll also be talking to those traitorous bums in Congress.
As the General will tell the folks on Capitol Hill, there's been some progress. There' been some horrific bombings, of course. That is not the same as progress... or is it? Check the Wall Street Journal editorial pages for the exciting answer to that teaser! I'll answer a couple of questions. Deb.
Q Mr. President, Senator Reid says you're in denial about Iraq, and that Congress is going to pass a bill that includes a fair and reasonable timetable for withdrawal. Could you compromise? Could you accept anything that looks like that, at all?
THE PRESIDENT: I know you want me to make the obvious joke about me not being in denial. I will sidestep that tired, ironic witticism and simply say that Reid can go fuck himself sideways with a rusty vacuum cleaner attachment. Um... what I mean to say is that I will, of course, be willing to work with the Congress, so long as they shut the hell up and let me play Army Man for a few more years.
Q The Attorney General is still getting a lot of criticism over the U.S. attorneys situation. Was his explanation sufficient, or is there more he needs to do to try to turn things around?
THE PRESIDENT: The Attorney General went up and gave a very candid assessment, and answered every question he could possibly answer, which ended up being about 12% of them. That's a passing grade on the Bush Curve!
One of the things that's important for the American people to understand is that the Attorney General has a right to recommend to me to replace U.S. attorneys. They serve according to what Janet Jackson called "The Pleasure Principle." Ribbed... for her pleasure. I can shitcan their mutinous asses for absolutely no reason, just like we used to hunt ex-butlers for sport at the Kennebunkport compound. I'm tired of this press conference. I wanna take a nap. Thank you all for coming. General, it's good to have you here.
GENERAL PETRAEUS: In a just world, I would rule you all with an iron fist.
GENERAL PETRAEUS: In a just world, I would rule you all with an iron fist.
Brilliant. I salute you, good sir.