Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Ax Da Never-Will-Be-President: McCain And the Thing With Feathers

Sorry, dude. Enjoy the swirling action of the electoral toilet.

After all, our current President is quickly becoming a dry well in terms of new types of humorous re-mixes I can bring to bear. After his dismal performance on Sunday's 60 Minutes in which he contradicted himself about 28 times in 11 minutes, followed by the poll which shows him only having half the support of Giuliani, the Maverick Whatever The President Says Senator decided to take a page from the Administration playbook and deliver some misleading remarks to a friendly, captive audience (a tonic to his fantasies can be found here). Original text here, the re-mix is below:
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Thank you. I know that seated in the front of this hall are VMI cadets who have served in Iraq. I am grateful for your service, honored by your presence, and mindful that I speak to an audience that wouldn't dare boo me out of some sort of misguided fealty to this country's stupid leadership.

I just returned from my fifth visit to Iraq. Unlike the veterans here today, I risked nothing more threatening than a hostile press corps and my credibility, which, truth be told, was already in the shitter. And my only mission was to inform my opinions with facts, as discerned through the prism of a battalion-sized escort with big fucking gunships.

We still face many difficult challenges in Iraq four years down the road, but of course everybody expected that, along with the eleven tours of duty lasting 15 months each (without telling them in advance), pulling injured soldiers back into the fold, and draining most of the National Guard, Canadian Mounties, and Mexican Federales. That is undeniable. But we have also made, in recent weeks, measurable progress in establishing security in Baghdad when the purchase of rugs at bargain prices is at stake.

But as General Petraeus implements the plan he never advocated to compound.. er.. correct the flawed strategy we followed in the past, and attempts to spare the United States and the world the catastrophe of an American defeat.. although the rest of the world doesn't really seem to care.. it is an equal disservice to dismiss early signs of progress.

However it ends, the war in Iraq will have a profound influence on the future of the Middle East, global stability, and the security of the United States. I mean, it's been pretty much a wash up to this point, obviously. Except for the broken armed services, terrorist recruitment through the fucking roof, and the several stadiums full of dead Iraqis. (affects Urkel voice) Did we do THAT?

[More delusional ranting over a lost cause beneath the fold...]

In the early days after 9/11, our country was united in a single purpose: to find the terrorists bent on our destruction and eliminate the threat they posed to us. In the intervening years, we have learned the complexity of the struggle against radical Islamic ideology and ignored it in favor of lies and invasion of a country that had nothing to do with it.

The war on terror, the war for the future of the Middle East, and the struggle for the soul of Islam - of which the war in Iraq constitutes a key element, regardless of what actual Muslims might think - are bound together. This is a contest of ideas and values as much as it is one of bullets and bombs. Right now, they don't seem to be taking to the wonderful ideas of democracy, naked dogpiles, and Palestinianization of neighborhoods.

The United States needs stronger alliances, coalitions, and partnerships worldwide to engage this long and multidimensional struggle. And we all know the best way to build such coalitions: making jokes about our allies' smell, bullying, cajoling, bribes, and trade wars.

We're going to need their courage more than ever. Courage is more important than uninjured troops, body armor, something approaching a fully implemented plan, or non-delusional leadership. Look at what it did for the Lion in The Wizard of Oz! He mauled all sorts of Emerald City residents after he got it!

For the first time in my visits to Iraq, our delegation was able to drive - not fly by helicopter-- from the airport to downtown Baghdad. Sure, the taxi ride cost $15,000 and the driver had been on the job for only 2 hours, as all 13 of his predecessors had been shot, but the rich Corinthian leather of the Russian imitation Town Car made it all worthwhile.

The government of Prime Minister Maliki is delivering on its promise to deploy Iraqi brigades to Baghdad. One of the units is called "Death Squad #11," but I'm sure that's just a mistake in translation. A plan to share whatever remains of oil revenues after we take our share equitably among all Iraqis has been approved by Iraqi ministers and is pending approval by the parliament, should they ever decide to meet again.

These and other indicators of progress are encouraging, but they are not determinative. I understand the damage false optimism does to public patience and support. That's why I brought with me a symbol of true optimism: a three-gallon tub of mayonnaise I bought at the Achmed's Wholesale Club in Sadr City.

Many in Washington have called for an end to our involvement in Iraq. Yet they offer no opinion about the consequences of this course of action beyond a vague assurance that all will be well if the Iraqis are left to work out their differences themselves. Pardon me for a second... can we somebody to sweep up all the straw that has mysteriously appeared on the stage here?

America has a vital interest in preventing the emergence of Iraq as a Wild West for terrorists, similar to Afghanistan before 9/11 or Westworld. Militant androids? Not on my watch! By leaving Iraq before there is a stable Iraqi governing authority we risk precisely this, and all those people who want us out, Iraqi or otherwise, just don't have the capacity to imagine the worsefulness.

What struck me upon my return from Baghdad is the enormous gulf between the harsh but hopeful realities in Iraq, where politics is for many a matter of life and death, and the fanciful and self-interested debates about Iraq that substitute for statesmanship in Washington. You know, like claiming that the top general can ride around in an unarmored vehicle or staging self-serving photo-ops in barely-open markets In Iraq for Presidential ambitions.

Before I left for Iraq, I watched with regret as the House of Representatives voted to deny our troops the support necessary to carry out their new mission. Well, apart from fully funding everything. Democratic leaders smiled and cheered as the last votes were counted. What were they celebrating? Defeat? Surrender? In Iraq, only our enemies were cheering. Traitors! Quislings! Bastards! On a related note, I hope to bring a more civil tone to the White House someday.

Democrats argue we should redirect American resources to the "real" war on terror, of which Iraq is just a sideshow. They talk of fanciful, made-up places like Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, and Algeria. That just smacks of rank desperation and fantasy. Today, despite all evidence to the contrary, I believe that al Qaeda terrorists are the ones preparing the car bombs, firing the Katyusha rockets, planting the IEDs. Oh yes, and Iran. Let's not forget Iran.

"In the many mistakes we have made in this war, a few lessons have become clear. America should never undertake a war unless we are prepared to do everything necessary to succeed, and unless we have a realistic and comprehensive plan for success. We did not meet this responsibility initially. Or even now. Or really in the future. But remember: it's the Democrats' fault.

I know the pain war causes. I understand the frustration caused by our mistakes in this war. I sympathize with the fatigue of the American people. And I regret sincerely the additional sacrifices imposed on the brave Americans who defend us. But I also know the toll a lost war takes on an army and a country. I mean, imagine the shame visited on the tens of thousands of troops with PTSD or traumtic brain injuries! I mean, it wouldn't even be worth it to treat them if they got better to rejoin a world where we were (makes "Loser" sign on forehead).

Let me tell you a story about one of our brave officers. Not too long after I had left Mark's room, Petty Officer Swink found me and told me Mark was awake and had asked to see me. So I returned. When I entered his room and approached his bedside, he struggled with great difficulty to sit up, stiffened his body as if he were trying to stand at attention, grasped my hand tightly and wouldn't let go. And then he whispered to me not to worry, 'We can win this fight. We can win this fight.'

We owe it to him to create several thousand more soldiers like him in a strategy that is woefully undermanned and that nobody in their right strategic mind thinks will work. At least that's how my favorite philosopher, the Marquis de Sade, defined "honor."

Posted by Norbizness at April 12, 2007 12:10 AM