April 11, 2007
Czarmania: Flailing Administration Edition
Possibly ineligible (shot to death 90 years ago)
It's about time that the grossly overworked Bush Administration (Only 1000 or so days of vacation in the last 6 six years? Madness!) began to delegate some of its duties to former Russian despots. Or, failing that, the most qualified representatives from America's 300 million or so chowderheads in the following subject areas...
War Czar: Army Gen. Jack Keane, Air Force Gen. Joseph W. Ralston, Marine Gen. John J. "Jack" Sheehan, Staff Sgt. Slaughter, the guy who runs the site nodhimmis.net, the winner of the most recent Halo 2 online tournament...
Fiscal Responsibility Czar: Matthew Lesko, George HW Bush and Rudy Guliani (in touch with consumer prices), the mustachioed guy who appears on the Monopoly box...
Drug Czar: Mr. Mackey from South Park, some guy who used to be on drugs but now has bulked up and smashes things on his chest for Christ at junior high auditoriums, the CEO of Seagram's or Philip Morris...
Health Czar: Slim Goodbody (if he's still alive), that insanely happy guy with the blond ponytail who operates the slider something-or-other exercise equipment...
Justice Czar: Nathan Thurm, Judge Dredd (a/k/a Sylvester Stallone in five-inch platform shoes), the mummified corpse-team of Haldemann and Ehrlichmann...
Communications Czar: recently unemployed Verizon spokesperson, Mushmouth from The Fat Albert Show, Pootie Tang, the quasi-Cajun character played by Chris Kattan in all those memorable SNL sketches...
Accountability Czar: Hugh Jass, I.P. Freely, Amanda Hugenkiss, Bea O'Plenty, Homer Sexual...
Any other czars and/or candidates? Don't like this game? Then get to captionin'!
What I find shocking is that there's no Corruption Czar. With corruption taking on vastly increased importance in this administration ('importance' as measured by percentage of the federal budget, and number of federal employees working full time in that area), to the point that it is this administration's primary focus, we really need to have one person with ultimate responsibility for corruption to make sure the corruption runs smoothly. As it is now, there are a dozen different corruption efforts underway with very little coordination among them. A Corruption Czar would take care of that.
I hear Tom DeLay has some time on his hands.
Posted by: Tom Hilton at April 11, 2007 02:29 PMSince they are having so much trouble getting the 'good news' past the filter, they could use a War News Czar. That way we'd know what's really going on over there and he could probably use the work.
Posted by: Stash at April 11, 2007 02:32 PM
civil rights czar: glenn beck; allan arbus from 'coffy'; michelle malkin; a kind of 'thing with two heads' monster, except instead of ray milland and rosey grier it's glenn beck and michelle malkin; a painting of glenn beck and michelle malkin punching it out like at the end of 'rocky ii'; joe klein.
Posted by: dex at April 11, 2007 03:14 PMSlim Goodbody is alive, well, and living in Maine.
Posted by: Davis X. Machina at April 11, 2007 08:53 PMi say the justice czar should be the actual judge dread, as in the filthy ska artist from the UK who was banned from the BBC.
Posted by: zachjones4 at April 11, 2007 10:18 PMFederal Deficit Czar: Nikoli Putin
Posted by: adam at April 12, 2007 03:59 AMEmail Keeper/Privy Czar: George H.W. Bush ("out of the loop"); Albert Gore, Jr. (lemonade "bathroom breaks"); Terri Schiavo (sufficient brain capacity to smile (and more, as diagnosed by Bill Frist)); Laura Bush (ditto, barely); Condoleeza Rice (ditto (assuming by smiling you mean scowling)).
Ejucashun Tsar: Neil Bush (Ignite!, Ritalin; Boris Berezovsky); hisself (No Child's Behind Left); Jenna Bush (Elsie Whitlow Stokes Community Freedom Public Charter School (over a year's experience)); Barbara Bush, Sr. ("beautiful mind"); any other random Bush.
Oooh -- is Chuck Norris gonna kick your butt for not including him...
Posted by: arghous at April 12, 2007 04:23 PM