Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Ax Da President: Happy FUBAR-iversary!

Original meaningless speech here; retrospective of previous sunny Presidential announcements here, the top ten mistakes are here, a crushing bit of irony here, a severely depressing Iraqi poll here, and your HFPST Presidential remix below...

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Four years ago today, coalition forces launched Operation Iraqi Freedom to remove Saddam Hussein from power. They did so in order for me to get the opportunity to test out my bitchin' flight suit I got at Urban Outfitters... oh, and to eliminate the threat his regime posed to the Middle East and to the world, I guess. Coalition forces carried out that mission with great courage and skill. I'm sorry about all the intervening cowardice and incompetence from the civilian leaders, but then again none of really got here with any sort of merit-based system, ya know?

Nearly 12 million Iraqis have voted in free elections under a democratic constitution that they wrote for themselves, and then a good number of them democratically decided to hightail it the fuck out of the country. Right now, their democratic... SMALL d, mind you... are now working to face up to the un-face-up-to-able.

At this point in the war, our most important mission is helping the Iraqis secure their capital. Then come the 395 separate little missions we've been delaying for the last four years. Until Baghdad's citizens feel secure in their own homes and neighborhoods, it will be difficult for Iraqis to make further progress toward political reconciliation or economic rebuilding, and make the throwing up of the national hands and declaring the situation impossible... hopefully during the next Administration.... an inevitability.

I've just received an update on the situation from Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki. So important is my relationship with him that I've given him my most elaborate nickname ever: "Oh, Maliki, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind... Maliki!" My conversation with the Prime Minister followed a briefing earlier this morning that included Secretary Rice (The San Francisco Treat) and Secretary Gates (Gatemouth Brown), along with General Petraeus (Rock Me Ama-petraus!) and Ambassador Khalilzad (nickname pending), who participated by video conference from Iraq. What a glorious age we live in!

[The rest of the garbled inanities (his, not mine) are in the extended entry...]

Prime Minister Maliki and General Petraeus emphasized that the Baghdad security plan is still in its early stages. Why it's in its early stages more than half-way through my second term is just one of life's little mysteries. Success will take months, not days or weeks, and if not months, then years, and if not years, then the wogs didn't deserve our help anyway. Yet, those on the ground are seeing some hopeful signs. Chlorine bombs, scores of servicemen killed, fanatics melting in with the population. It's just like Des Moines, Iowa!

Together, we've carried out aggressive operations against both Shia and Sunni extremists; carried out operations against al Qaeda terrorists that didn't use to be within 500 miles of the capital before we got involved. Whoops. We've uncovered large caches of weapons and destroyed two major car bomb factories that were located on the outskirts of Baghdad. And rescued a fluffy kitten from a burning tank and re-painted a burning school.

As we help the Iraqis secure their capital, their leaders are also beginning to meet the benchmarks they have laid out for political reconciliation. They, of course, have taken a cue from my Administration's model and set the benchmarks so low that a corpse-government could have met them. The Iraqi legislature passed a $41 billion budget that includes $10 billion for reconstruction and capital improvements. We keep telling them that this is welfare that will reduce incentives of Iraqis to work, but they won't listen.

As Iraqis work to keep their commitments, we have important commitments of our own. I vowed to have military spending at one trillion a year before I left or got kicked out of office, and it's not going to be easy with all those treasonous Dhimmicrats in the Congress. Remember that fiscal responsibility is so 1995, people!

It can be tempting to look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude our best option is to pack up and go home. Well, this President hasn't run away from anything, apart from military service, adult responsibility, sobriety, criticism, and spiders, and he's not going to start now!

Prevailing in Iraq is not going to be easy with this crew of doofuses in charge, but it's all good, because I got a special prayer cloth from that televangelist on Channel 84 that's GUARANTEED to work. General Petraeus says that the environment in Iraq is the most challenging that he has seen in his more than 32 years of service. I do love being a difficult boss!

Four years after this war began, the fight is difficult, but it can be won. It will be... ah, fuck it (bows head, shuffles off-stage).

Posted by Norbizness at March 19, 2007 12:12 PM