Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Your Snarling Cyborg V.P. With The Popularity of Gonorrhea Speaks!

[remember the fundraiser]

See all that stuff in there, Homer? That's why your Vice President never worked!

Original speech before the American-Israel Public Affairs Committee here, remixed below for your marginal pleasure. Remember, newbies, I didn't come up with about half these words. The trick is guessing which half...
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THE VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Karl Rove finds out about this, he won't let me out again (laughter/not altered.)

We're here today as citizens from different parts of the country, diverse backgrounds, many professions and various political affiliations... all the way from right of center to screaming Mongol kill 'em all territory. Yet we find unity and strength in the values of secrecy, corporate profits, perpetual war, hastening the Apocalypse, and the rule of law (laughter). OK, just kidding.

As most of you know, the President is traveling in Latin America this week, fighting his way through throngs of screeching, brownish protestors, vainly attempting to solidify what passes for our friendships in that region. He asked me to convey to this gathering his great appreciation for your slavish devotion, his strong support for a someday-Christian Israel, and his firm commitment to making sure that it has plenty of enemies to blow up in the near future. (tepid applause.)

The President has been clear and forthright about his vision of an eight-headed dragon rising from the depths of the Lake of Fire, to be fought by a knight clad in gleaming silver armor with a sword of justice that is not dissimilar from that wielded by Voltron. He's been on a lot of pills lately. Progress in the cause of Revelation-LARPing never comes easily. Yet the United States and Israel persevere in that cause. We understand, as Ariel Sharon put it, the right and responsibility of every democracy to slaughter refugees in camps and to use your government as a trough for your corrupt, Curly-like son.

It's odd to think of ideologues out of the Dark Ages having a modern media strategy, but the fact is they do... and I'm not talking about the Republican National Committee. They take videos of their attacks and put them up on the Internet to get them broadcast on television. Once again, I'm not talking about the Swift Boat Veterans. They send messages and images by e-mail and tell their followers to spread the word. Not talking about The National Review here. They wage war by stealth and murder, disregarding the rules of warfare and rejoicing in the death of the innocent. Man, I should really stop this particular riff, shouldn't I?

And not even the instinct of self-preservation is a restraint. The terrorists value death the same way you and I value life. Well... you, maybe. Civilized, decent societies will never fully understand the kind of mindset that drives men to strap on bombs, fly airplanes into buildings, push to make dissent illegal, and drunkenly shoot hunting buddies in the face. But that is the very kind of blind, prideful hatred that Democrats are up against.

[more End-of-Times goodness from the VP in the extended entry...]

The war on terror is more than a contest of arms and more than a test of will, it is also a battle of ideas. However, because idea merchants don't contribute much to our campaigns, we're going to go primarily with the arms contest. By taking the side of moderates, reformers and advocates for democracy, we are directly ensuring that they are doomed and that people who we can sell weapons to for the next half-century emerge.

Our duty is to face all of these challenges with resolve and we are doing so, to the extent that "with resolve" means "really half-assedly, without body armor, using injured soldiers, and without rescinding tax breaks for hot billionaire heiresses. In Afghanistan, where I visited just a few weeks ago, a big fucking bomb went off, interrupting my goddamned kitten-omelet breakfast.

A few weeks ago, the new coalition commander, General Dave Petraeus, arrived in the Iraq theater. He sent a written message to his soldiers and, with your forbearance, I'd like to quote from it at length because I ran out of ideas about ten minutes OK and my dilithium batteries are running low:

"The enemies of Iraq," he said, "will shrink at no act however barbaric... I mean, shocking and aweing with explosions... where do they get that shit? They will do all that they can to shake the confidence of the people and to convince the world that this effort is doomed. We must not underestimate them, such as sending half the troops necessary to provide country-wide security. Together with our Iraqi partners, we must defeat those who oppose the new Iraq of endless sectarian bloodbaths and ethnic cleansing. We cannot allow mass murderers to hold the initiative. We must mass murder them relentlessly, and then mass murder a few other groups just so that everybody gets the message."

It's always the case in wartime that the heaviest duties fall on the men and women of the military. Or so I've heard, I've been feasting on caviar and Mr. Pibb for the last several years. The ones doing the fighting never lose their focus on their mission or on what is at stake in this war, and neither should the rest of us. Five-and-a-half years have passed since the attacks of September 11, 2001, and the loss that morning of nearly 3,000 Americans inside the United States. Well, we've doubled that, and are looking to triple it as quickly as possible!

In fact, five-and-a-half years into the struggle, we find ourselves having to confront a series of myths about the war on terror, myths that are often repeated and deserve to be refuted. The most common myth is that Iraq has nothing to do with the global war on terror. We've made sure to dispel that one pretty handily with our patented "favored death squad" strategy.

This leader of al Qaeda has referred to Baghdad as the capital of the Caliphate. He has also said, and I quote, "Success in Baghdad will be success for the United States. Failure in Iraq is the failure of the United States. Their defeat in Iraq will mean defeat in all their wars." Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm like Marty McFly. I can be goaded into authorizing nation-shattering wars just by somebody calling me "chicken."

The second myth is the most transparent. And that is the notion that one can support the troops without giving them the tools and reinforcements needed to carry out their mission. No, no, no, I don't been body armor and medical care in military hospitals. That's just crazy. I mean new sausage for the grinder!

When members of Congress pursue an anti-war strategy that's been called slow bleed by self-interested columnists and authoritarian war-porn connoisseurs, they're not supporting the troops, they are undermining them. STABBING THEM IN THE BACK! TAKING A FIFTH DEFERMENT! And when members of Congress speak not of victory, but of time limits -- (applause) -- when members speak not of victory but of time limits, deadlines or other arbitrary measures, they're telling the defense contractors that they don't believe in three-quarter trillion dollar defense budgets for infinity!

Congress does, of course, play a critical role in the defense of the nation and the conduct of a war. That role is defined and limited by the Constitution. After all, the military answers to one infallible commander-in-chief in the White House, standing sturdy and tall, never wavering even in the face of three-syllable words, and not 535 appeaseniks-chief on Capitol Hill. (Applause.)

There is a third myth about the war on terror, and this one is also the most dangerous, but it's largely a repeat of the first.

And that leads me to the fourth and the cruelest myth of all and that is the false hope that we can abandon the effort in Iraq without serious consequences to the broader Middle East. I stand here today as a strong supporter of Israel and Israel has never had a better friend in the White House than George Bush (puzzled looks, mutterings of "Huh?", and eventually applause/not altered).

Look, I only have about three seconds left, so let me just say: Attack Iran. Now. For the Love of God. RUNTIME ERROR 9 Subscript out of range: verify the program has all the latest updates. If updated try reinstalling the program. If you continue to have the same errors contact the software developer.

[10 minutes later, after rebooting] Either we are serious about fighting the war on terror or we are not. And we are not. Either we persevere despite difficulty or we turn our backs on our friends, our commitments and our ideals. I, for one, never had any ideals to begin with, and friends are even harder to come by.

One of the great examples of leadership in our world is that of Ariel Sharon, a man of courage and a man of peace. In his last speech at the United Nations, Prime Minister Sharon said, his great passions in life were "manual labor, sowing and harvesting the pastures, and massacres... lots of 'em."

Thannnnnnkkkk yoooouuuu aaallllll verrrrryyyyy muchhhhhh (wheeled off the stage).

Posted by Norbizness at March 13, 2007 12:17 AM