Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Operation Infinite Persian Menace: The Press Conference

Look at the body language! My confidence in the new mission is skyrocketing!

Looks like the President has a few more discredited talking points to foist upon the generally disinterested American public, and this is the website that will re-mix them for you!

THE PRESIDENT: Thanks for coming in on an icy day. I was kind of hoping that only the Fox News morning show hosts would be here. I have just finished a conversation with General David Petraeus. That name is really difficult to pronounce. We talked about troop deployment using a Risk board! Lots of fun! In no time, Irkstusk will be back under the control of the locals... the Irkstuskinites.

And all this violence is aimed at, frankly, causing people here in America to say it's not worth it. And I can understand why people are concerned when they turn on the TV screens and see this violence. It's disturbing to people, and it's disturbing to the Iraqi people. In a way that having your family killed and being forced to flee the country in horror can be disturbing.

What's different about this conflict than some others is that if we fail there, the enemy will follow us here. Just imagine it. You're going to get a lottery ticket and a Big Gulp and the 7-11, and you're being shadowed by a suicider. It could very well cause you to lose your appetite and not want to order a Jalapeno and Cream Cheese Taquito... and that would be disastrous for the economy.

Later this week the House of Representatives will vote on a resolution that opposes our new plan in Iraq -- before it has a chance... albeit a scintilla of an infinitesimal scrap of one... to work. They have every right to express their opinion, which is unfortunate, and it is a non-binding resolution. Soon Congress is going to be able to vote on a piece of legislation that is binding, a bill providing emergency funding for our troops. Seems like we've had a lot of consecutive emergencies, but that's the thrill ride you people signed up for when you barely voted for President Max Power!

And with that, I'll be glad to take your questions, starting with you, Terry.

Q Mr. President, on Russia. Is the Vladimir Putin who said the United States is undermining global security and provoking a new arms race the same Vladimir Putin whose soul you looked into and found to be trustworthy? Has he changed? Are U.S.-Russian relations deteriorating?

THE PRESIDENT: Soul Buddy Number One! (sheds a single tear) I think the person who I was referring to in 2001 is the same strong-willed person. Ask any Chechnyan. Look, he's still got a lot to teach me on running a secret police state where journalists and dissenters are poisoned with cool substances. So I'm not giving up on this thing, no way no how.

Q Thank you, sir. General Pace says that these bombs found in Iraq do not, by themselves, implicate Iran. What makes you so certain that the highest levels of Tehran's government is responsible?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes --

Q And how can you retaliate against Iran without risking a war?

THE PRESIDENT: What we do know is that the Quds force was instrumental in providing these deadly IEDs to networks inside of Iraq. We faith-basedly know that. And we also know that the Quds force is a part of the Iranian government. That's a known. What we don't know is whether or not the head leaders of Iran ordered the Quds force to do what they did. Quds, Quds, Quds. Just like the cows chew. Remember it.

Now, let me step back on Iran, itself. We have a comprehensive strategy to deal with Iraq (sic). There's a variety of issues that we have with Iraq (sic) [not altered].

[More questions and evasive answers below the fold...]

Q Thank you, sir. I'd like to follow on Iran. Critics say that you are using the same quality of intelligence about Iran that you used to make the case for war in Iraq, specifically about WMD that turned out to be wrong, and that you are doing that to make a case for war against Iran. Is that the case?

THE PRESIDENT: I can say with certainty that the Quds... Q-U-D-S, a part of the Iranian government, has provided these sophisticated IEDs that have harmed our troops. That's all I need to know. Quds bad, troops bad. Why? Do you disagree? Don't roll your eyes at me! Oh, and let's not forget the nukes.

Q -- using faulty intelligence to provoke Iran?

THE PRESIDENT: To say it is provoking Iran is just a wrong way to characterize the Commander-in-Chief's decision to do what is necessary to protect our soldiers in harm's way. And I will continue to do so [not altered].

Q Mr. President, on the North Korea deal, the former U.N. Ambassador, John Bolton, yesterday said, "It's a bad, disappointing deal, and the best thing you can say about it is that it will probably fall apart." This is from a man you repeatedly praised for his judgment and leadership at the United Nations. His main criticism is that the financial pressure led North Korea back to the table, and now it's being released. How do you respond to that?

THE PRESIDENT: I strongly disagree -- strongly disagree with his assessment. I am also disappointed, chagrined, and nonplussed by it. In fact, strongly may not be a strong enough.. whatzit called... adverb for what I'm feeling right now. I hate him and his stupid color-mismatched toupee and his dumb mustache. Just go bald and let me rub it, Johnny!

Q Thank you, Mr. President. I want to follow up on Iran one more time. You saying today that you do not know if senior members of the Iranian government are, in fact, behind these explosives -- that contradicts what U.S. officials said in Baghdad on Sunday. They said the highest levels of the Iranian government were behind this. It also -- it seems to square with what General Pace has been saying, but contradicts with what your own press secretary said yesterday.

THE PRESIDENT: Can I -- let me -- I can't say it more plainly: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I just know the word Quds, and I can't stop saying it! It's so addictive!

Q What assurances can you give the American people that the intelligence this time will be accurate?

THE PRESIDENT: I promise nothing. Quds. Dammit.

Q Mr. President, do you agree with the National Intelligence Estimate that we are now in a civil war in Iraq? And, also, you talk about victory, that you have to have victory in Iraq; it would be catastrophic if we didn't. You said again today that the enemy would come here, and yet you say it's not an open-ended commitment. How do you square those things?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I was reading again over the Christmas break in Crawford, and I got a hold of this great book with a marvelous little character called the Mad Hatter. He could think six impossible things before breakfast, and I don't eat breakfast until about 2 p.m. Sugar Smacks and Mr. Pibb. So God knows what's been running through my head by that point.

Q As you know, a growing number of troops are on their second, third or fourth tour in Iraq. More and more of the troops are asking, questioning what they're doing here. Does this come as a surprise to you? Are you aware of this? Is it a minority opinion, is it a growing opinion, and does it concern you?

THE PRESIDENT: Look under my eyes. See any bags? You do? Well, step back about 15 feet. See any now? That means I'M SLEEPIN' JUST FINE.

Q Do you believe that a vote of disapproval of your policy emboldens the enemy? Does it undermine your ability to carry out your policies there? And, also, what are you doing to persuade the Democratic leadership in Congress not to restrict your ability to spend money in Iraq?

THE PRESIDENT: A couple of points. One, that I understand the Congress is going to express their opinion, and it's very clear where the Democrats are, and some Republicans. Thank goodness the coaster-sized Constitution I use to guide my actions doesn't make any mention of me having to pay attention to these nattering nabobs of superdickery.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE. People are watching what happens here in America. THE ENEMY LISTENS TO WHAT'S HAPPENING, the Iraqi people listen to the words, the Iranians. But, yeah, sure, go ahead and express your opinions. Just don't come runnin' and cryin' to me when everything you know and love has been blown to pieces and the streets flow with the blood of the unbelievers!

Q Thank you, Mr. President. Sir, we've now learned through sworn testimony that at least three members of your administration, other than Scooter Libby, leaked Valerie Plame's identity to the media. None of these three is known to be under investigation. Without commenting on the Libby trial, then, can you tell us whether you authorized any of these three to do that, or were they authorized without your permission?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, thanks, Pete. I'm not going to talk about any of it.

Q They're not under investigation, though?

THE PRESIDENT: Peter, I'm not going to talk about any of it.

Q How about pardons, sir? Many people are asking whether you might pardon --

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, I'll pardon the shit out of him. Oops.

Q Thank you. Iraq is not only being debated in Congress, but it's going to be debated in the presidential election that's coming ahead. Is that debate -- is there a chance that that is going to hurt your progress in Iraq? And is it appropriate at some point, perhaps, for the government to brief the presidential candidates so they have a better understanding of what it is you're trying to do?

THE PRESIDENT: Hey, as soon as I find out myself, I'll be happy to! (cymbal crash, mild laughter) Well, I'm outta here on a high point! (tries to exit stage is pushed back by several reporters) Dammit, that worked for George Costanza. (muted trumpet: wah-wah-wah)

Q Do you have to support the war to support the troops here? I mean, if you're one of those Americans that thinks you've made a terrible mistake, that it's destined to end badly, what do you do? If they speak out, are they by definition undermining the troops?

THE PRESIDENT: I think you can be against my decision and support the troops, absolutely. But the proof will be whether or not you provide them the money necessary to do the mission. In other words, do you support them so much that you're willing to spend their benefit money on keeping them there and then sending a bunch of other troops to keep them company? In short: bitch betta have my money. 'Cause I ain't got none.

Q Thank you, Mr. President. You spoke hopefully about your ability to work with Democrats, their willingness to work with you in this new world. I wonder how that's going so far, what you've learned about how they think, and does the current debate constitute grounds for divorce?

THE PRESIDENT: Congratulations on being this conference's Little Gannon Overachiever! Somebody give him the Hickory Farms holiday basket and the gift certificate to Darque Tanning Parlor (ed: Actually, his answer, a/k/a second speech, goes on for about 13 paragraphs, all mercifuly excised. He talks about corn, for shit's sake.).

Q Mr. President, Republican and Democratic Presidents before you sat down for face-to-face talks with the Soviet Union, a nation that was clearly hostile, tyrannical, and had a huge nuclear arsenal. Why do you think that face-to-face talks between yourself and the leadership of Iran would be any more compromising for you?

THE PRESIDENT: Richard, if I thought we could achieve success, I would sit down. But what are the chances that my Administration will even come close to sniffing the vestigial remnants of anything approaching success? Slim to none, and slim just left town, bub. Take any number that I can't count up to, add a few zeros, and those are the odds. Oakland Raiders winning three straight Super Bowls probability territory. I mean, you're more than five years old, right? Then why even ask me about success? A pox on success!

Listen, thank you for your time. I enjoyed it very much.

END 12:00 P.M. EST

Posted by Norbizness at February 14, 2007 04:11 PM