Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

More "Sky Fairies" Per Paragraph Than Legally Allowable

In solidarity with a recently dispossessed atheist (swarm of generally unfriendly coverage detailed here), I offer up a few examples of why I am uncivil and unfit for popular consumption by poring over my religion archives for pithy soundbites generated over these past three years.

As I once prophesied back in 2006: "I don't really give a flying fuck whether the statements of me and my blasphemous ilk are considered drags on the Democrats who are desperately seeking to peel off people who want to deny emergency contraception to woman or who are looking to set up tax-free child-beating wilderness camps. Master Shake was not put on this Earth to listen to meat, and I was not put on this Earth to help a floundering political party that can't make significant inroads even when the opposition party has fucked up in every conceivable way." And now, for the rest of the hits...

-- The good news is that many world religions have managed to flourish without my respect for their core metaphysical teachings, and will probably continue to do so (the better news is that, in America, the whining is generally confined to privileged New Agers and crypto-Protestants attending megachurches). And don't get me wrong: I can pretend to respect the hell out of any unverifiable claim about an imaginary concept if the consequences for not respecting it are dire enough.

-- According to some crazy lady who probably prays to Jesus to unclog the drain (Peggy Noonan writing about the tsunami), America mocked God once too often with our epidemic of gay couples who say "Happy Holidays" and who abort their cloned babies. Meaning that the Sky Fairy in her mind is the equivalent of Begbie from Trainspotting, throwing his divine empty pint of lager over the balcony to come crashing down on a Sri Lankan girl's head.

-- (Katie Holmes' conversion to Scientology) It strains the limits of credulity to think that somebody who formerly maintained who formerly believed in the actual transformation of bread into the physical body of Christ when placed in one's mouth could make the leap into the delusion that each and every human on Earth is inhabited by thousands of Body Thetans (the souls of an ancient alien genocide by the galactic ruler Xenu).

-- Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. With smooth, refreshing Rockstar Energy Drink, now supplemented with caffeine, echinacea, St. John's Wort, crystal meth, expertimental Human Growth Hormone from a secret Russian laboratory, lamb's blood, neutralized Ebola virus, and Chemical X. Side effects may include rectal bleeding and instant death.

-- The scientifically sound theory of Divine Sky Fairy Intervention postulates that failure to invoke the name of God in the meaningless morning rituals of schoolchildren will, over time, cause God to become bored and disinterested with the offending country. This causes, ipso facto, the nullification of the Holy Protection Racket, allowing flaming meteorites infested with alien bacteria, hurricanes, and Journey reunion concerts to afflict the land.

-- I'm talking about a corrupt organization full of hypocritical homophobes, and not for the civil rights of individual American Catholics to be stripped because of the dictates of some musty text detailing the insane exploits of a bipolar Old Testament God.

-- Colorado Catholics who have ever conspired with a politician to support abortion rights, gay marriage, stem cell research, or death with dignity must do the right thing and deny themselves communion. Communion, of course, is a necessary function of the One True Church in acting as the primary agent for administering the eternal rewards of salvation on behalf of an invisible, red-robed sky fairy.

-- The entire organization [the Catholic Church] is like the world's largest Ponzi scheme, exchanging purported alleviation of the fear of death for cash and unblinking fealty. Of course, the next layer of the pyramid is the crapload of kids you're supposed to have, filling the bloody world up with bloody people you can't afford to bloody feed.

-- Sorry to break it to you, godless Democrat heathens, but the Bible is a wholly owned trademark and intellectual property of the Republican National Committee, and as such, may not be re-broadcast, re-transmitted or otherwise used without the express written permission of a Council of Hooded Elders.

-- (Katrina Day of Prayer) To honor the memory of those who lost their lives, to provide comfort and strength to the families of the victims, and to help ease the burden of the survivors, I call upon all Americans to pray to Almighty God to stop fucking destroying things. I mean, how much longer are we gong to make excuses for this guy? 'I'm clumsy and I fell down the stairs' doesn't really cut it these days, does it?

-- In the Gospels, Jesus: (1) Touched lepers and literally cured them, but only of their crippling depression (2) Touched lepers in an inappropriate manner, which they demonstrated on leprous little dolls (3) Touched lepers and said "grrrrody!" (4) Encouraged the provincial Roman government to stop subsidizing leprosy-causing behavior in his libertarian magazine.

-- Mary: (1) Was a virgin chosen by God for her child-bearing Nazarene hips. (2) Was made pregnant with Jesus by a Roman soldier, played by a sociopathic Sean Penn. (3) Conceived Jesus with Joseph out of wedlock at a drive-in stoning. (4) Mary, why ya buggin'?

-- Would you marry a non-Muslim? (1) Are we talking Claudia Schiffer? (2) OK, are we at least talking Jami Gertz? (3) It doesn’t matter to me, nobody seems to like Muslim Star Trek geeks. (4) It's quite likely I will marry the first fine piece of ankle that comes along.

-- How often do you pray? (1) Well, you got to pray, each and e-ver-y day. (2) Five times daily, plus the bonus fantasy football team prayer. Donovan McNabb, peace be upon him, please throw for 3 TDs. (3) I generally don't pray. Wait, did I just say that out loud? (4) I talk to God often. That's why I got fired from Subway.

-- Crosses are a powerful symbol that show that you mean religious business, i.e. you require acceptance of the Lord Jesus Christ as the exclusive personal savior and redeemer. Give your cartoon Calvin truck decal something to kneel before!

-- I also love the idea of papal infallibility, especially when a college of cardinals who would rather shuffle pedophile priests to progressive more backwater locations, cover that shit up, and make hush-hush payouts confer this most miraculous of characteristics upon one of their own.

-- Judges 16:1 "Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her." I think that Marvin Gaye, a preacher's son himself, must have given this passage a brief nod with the unreleased demo "Let's Get It Up On In Unto You."

Don't worry, I'm sure we'll have an agnostic or atheist candidate for national office any time soon, and then it's $$$$$ for me.

Posted by Norbizness at February 13, 2007 12:10 AM