Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

While The Billmon's Away, The Lesser Movie Quoters Will Play

Show me your incredulous face!

A key passage in Full Metal Jacket, re-written to reflect the reality that (a) Iraq is NOT, I repeat NOT Vietnam, (b) we live in a new and open era of complete press freedom that always questions semi-suspicious Pentagon and Iraqi government press releases, instead of just unquestioningly reprinting them. Whoops.

LOCKHART: (reading) "Not While We're Eating-- dangerous insurgents learn marines on a search and destroy mission don't like to be interrupted while eating chow." Search and destroy. Uh, we have a new directive from TownHall.com on this. In the future, in place of "search and destroy," substitute the phrase "taking out the homiciders and dead-enders." Got it?

JOKER: Got it. Not very catchy. Who's writing that shit, Charles Krauthammer?

LOCKHART: And, Joker ... where's the tofu dog?

JOKER: Sir?

LOCKHART: The Waco-style massacre, Joker. The kill. I mean, all that fire, the Iraqi soldiers who are standing up thereby allowing us to step down must've hit something.

JOKER: Didn't see 'em. I'm not looking to die, ese.

LOCKHART: Joker, I've told you, we run two basic stories here. Painting kittens, rescuing schools, and right-wing bloggers who come over here and make our lives miserable for weeks on end... winning of hearts and minds... OK? And combat action that results in a spiraling cycle of never-ending violence... victory with honor. Now you must have seen piles of ashes... dragmarks?

JOKER: I was helping to paint a school with a rescued kitten, sir [groans].

LOCKHART: Well, that's why God passed the law of improbability. Now rewrite it and give it a happy ending-- say, uh, 200 insurgent kills out of 200 dead. Make them all dangerous cultists. Which?

JOKER: Whichever you say.

LOCKHART: Grunts like reading about dead dead-enders.

JOKER: Okay, a bunch of terrorists. How about Osama bin Laden? [a few laughs]

LOCKHART: Joker, maybe you'd like our guys to read the paper and feel bad. I mean, in case you didn't know it, this is not a particularly popular war. Now, it is our job to report the news that these why-are-we-here civilian newsmen ignore (ed.: not altered).
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UPDATE: A related brief timewaster.

Posted by Norbizness at January 29, 2007 04:41 PM