January 25, 2007
From the Depths Of The Earth Comes... Optimus Cheney!
Ax me about my cybernetic exoskeleton!
Here's today's transcript of the CNN interview with Cheney (re-mixed by HFPST Scrambled Interview Division). If you want a shorter version of this mess, it's: "The Vice President Turned Into Bob Sheffer" (the second editorial in the link). Inspiring stuff.
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BLITZER: And joining us now, the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney. Mr. Vice President, thanks very much for doing this.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [sound of robotic booting]
Q We heard the President mention Osama bin Laden last night in his State of the Union address. Why can't you find this guy?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, obviously, he's well hidden. In fact, I've got so many underground bunkers that we've plum forgot which one he was plopped in for retrieval before the 2006 midterm elections. My bad, all you GOP losers out there in candidate-land.
Q His number two, Ayman al Zawahiri is --
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Zawahiri is straying from the script, frankly.
Q I mean, he's on television almost as much as I am.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, I don't know if anybody is on as much as you are, Wolf, you ubiquitous little scamp, you-- but he's more of a public figure than Osama is. If you've ever been in that part of the world, it is some of the most rugged territory imaginable. No quail, no pheasants... just a beastly land.
Q Is bin Laden still alive?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: I think so. I keep getting his Cingular bill.
Q The criticism is that you took your eye off the ball by going into Iraq and, in effect, reducing the focus of attention on al Qaeda and bin Laden.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: It's just not true! (stamps feet, producing cacophonous metal sound) I've heard that charge; it's simply not true, Wolf! (picks up desk and heaves it out the window) And there you have it.
Q President Bush talked about the consequences of failure in Iraq. How much responsibility do you have, though -- do you and the administration for this potential scenario?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, you know, this is a argument that there wouldn't be any problem if we hadn't gone into Iraq. Now --
Q Saddam Hussein would still be in power.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Very good, Wolf, but try not stepping on my talking points. He would, at this point, be engaged in a nuclear arms race with Ahmadinejad, his blood enemy next door in Iran. Mushroom clouds!-
Q But he was being contained as we all know --
THE VICE PRESIDENT: He was not being contained. Mushroom clouds!
Q -- by the no-fly zones in the north and the south.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, mushroom clouds.
Q But that was in the '80s.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Ah, the '80s. You know, I had some hair back then. Not the hair of a Steve Perry, or even the lead singer of Kansas, but I rocked a semi-mullet with double inverted combover. What was the question again?
Q The current situation there is very unstable.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: It is (cackles uproariously).
Q But there is a terrible situation.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: No, there is not. There is not! [goes outside and destroys a commuter train with his plasma cannon]. There's problems, ongoing problems, but we have, in fact, accomplished our objectives of getting rid of the old regime, and SYSTEM ERROR ERROR_INVALID_UNWIND_TARGET.
[Part two of this impotent scare-fest from a really unpopular, often malfunctioning cyborg can be found in the extended entry...]
Q How worried are you of this nightmare scenario, that the U.S. is building up this Shiite-dominated Iraqi government with an enormous amount of military equipment, sophisticated training, and then in the end, they're going to turn against the United States?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Wolf, that's not going to happen (crickets chirping).
Q ... warming up to Iran and Syria right now.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Wolf, you can come up with all kinds of what-ifs. You humans are very good with that, but I've run a level-3 diagnostic on my positronic sub-routers and I am now nigh-impervious to your hypotheticals.
Q Here's what Jim Webb, senator from Virginia, said in his Democratic response last night. He said: "The President took us into the war recklessly. We are now, as a nation, held hostage to the predictable and predicted disarray that has followed." And it's not just Jim Webb, it's some of your good Republican friends in the Senate and the House, are now seriously questioning your credibility because of the blunders, of the failures...
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Wolf, Wolf, I simply don't accept the premise of your question, nor your right to ask it in my grim vision of America I just think it's hogwash. Remember..
Q What, that there were no blunders? The President himself says there were blunders --
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Remember, remember me -- remember with me what happened in Afghanistan (makes "googly-goo" sound while waving robotic arms to simulate time-travel). Oh, it isn't working. Well, here, let me uplink the information directly into your cerebral cortex (jabs Blitzer with a needle).
Q What if the Senate passes a resolution saying, this is not a good idea. Will that stop you?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: HA! It won't stop us! In fact, we'll deploy twice as many troops in twice as many useless locations just to spite them! I can't even believe I have to break ties in that place!
Q So you're moving forward no matter what the consequences?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We are moving forward. We are moving forward. We are moving forward. We are moving forward. RUNTIME ERROR.
Q What was the biggest mistake you made?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Oh, I think in terms of mistakes, I think we underestimated the extent to which 30 years of Saddam's rule had really hammered the population, especially the Shia population, into submissiveness. No flowers, no nothing. Like little children, they is.
Q What about the comment you made a year-and-a-half ago, the insurgency was in its last throes. How do you build up that credibility because so many of these Democrats, and a lot of Republicans now are saying they don't believe you anymore?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: The bottom line is that we've had enormous successes, and we will continue to have enormous successes. It is hard. It is difficult. So no, I have no idea why anybody would believe a word that comes out of my mouth.
The consequences of our not completing the task are enormous. Just think for a minute -- and think for a minute, Wolf, in terms of what policy is being suggested here. What you're recommending, or at least what you seem to believe the right course is, is to bail out --
Q I'm just asking questions.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: No, you're not asking questions. YOU ARE IN NON-COMPLIANCE WITH THE LAW. PLEASE DROP YOUR WEAPON IN 20 SECONDS OR FACE REPRISAL.
Q I'm not holding a weapon!
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: 15 SECONDS. CHOOSE WISELY, ARMED CRIMINAL.
Q For God's sake, man, I DON'T HAVE A WEAPON!!!
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: (rebooting system) .. and that's why you're all a bunch of lily-livered non-stay the coursers.
Q Let's move on to some other domestic issues. The whole notion of your long-time aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby -- he's in the papers, his lawyer now suggesting on opening day of the trial that he was basically set up by people in the White House to protect Karl Rove, the President's political aide. What do you make of this?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Now, Wolf, you knew when we set up the interview you can ask all the questions you want, I'm going to be a witness in that trial within a matter of weeks, I'm not going to discuss it.
Q Aw, you're no fun anymore.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: I'm lots of fun, Wolf, but you've got my answer.
Q Do you think Hillary Clinton would make a good President?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: No, I don't.
Q Why?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Because she's a DemonKKKrat. Make sure the transcribers get all three K's in there.
Q I want to congratulate you on having another grandchild. Let's wind up on a soft note. Nancy Pelosi -- what was it like sitting up there with her last night as opposed to Dennis Hastert?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: I prefer Denny Hastert, obviously. I liked having a fellow Republican in the Speaker's chair. A big, fat one. Nancy is now the Speaker of the House. We had a very pleasant evening. I consumed lots of fancy, sparkling motor oil.
Q But it's different to have a Democrat --
THE VICE PRESIDENT: AFFIRMATIVE.
Q How do you feel?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: ALL SYSTEMS FUNCTIONING NORMALLY.
Q Mr. Vice President, thank you.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: FUCK OFF.
Steve Walsh is the lead singer for KS. God, what a parody of himself onstage, and that was 11 years ago. He was a high mileage kinda guy then, I shudder to think what he's like now.
And Steve Perry, by all accounts, he's still a dick.
Posted by: scott at January 25, 2007 06:50 AMif Fitzgerald gets him under oath in the Libby trial, i may have to take off work and go to DC to stand outside the courtroom.
Posted by: paperpusher at January 25, 2007 07:58 AMtony snow - eject! mary matalin - eject! john hannah - eject! operation: binge and surge!
Posted by: dexter at January 25, 2007 09:44 AMI give up -- which parts did you change?
Posted by: eSteve at January 25, 2007 11:58 AMfrom the Cheney interview Scooby Doo ending:
"...and I would have already won this war, if it wasn't for you damn kids!"
Posted by: Comandante Agi at January 25, 2007 01:10 PM