January 24, 2007
State of the Captions '07
It's probably true that the average quality of the captions has gone down over time as my reservoir of cornball pop culture references has proved to be exhaustible. However, I will still stack them up against any other weekly caption feature out there, assuming there are any, which there aren't. As usual, click on the thumbnails for a context-revealing picture, try as many pictures as you want (but especially the practice one in the middle), and tell me your favorites of mine or others in the comments.
1. 
"And there's Dikembe Mutombo, who will be taking over the husbandly duties from both me and Vice President Cheney. That's right, Dikembe, rub it in."
2. 
Sometimes I think creationists were put here to test our faith.
3. 
C'mon, kid. Ya gotta want the rebound!
4. 
No, really. It is called "Beef With Broccoli" in China.
5. 
It ain't a party in Southern Pakistan until you hire one of our combination snake charmer/James Brown impersonators!
6. 
[Practice picture!]
7. 
It puts the gravy on the feathers or it gets the hose!
8. 
To the extent that "cat scratch fever" is a euphemism for rabies, then yes, I think he got it some more.
9. 
Well, I guess that finally clears up the whole Carmen Sandiego mystery.
10. 
Unfortunately, many of the parishes stocked with ordained canine priests reported a significant increase in leg-humping lawsuits.
11. 
Preparation H: Because you never know when you're going to have to explain a doomed military strategy to a hostile Senate committee.
Well, not too bad this week... enough to prevent it from slipping to Nixonian approval levels, at least. I think I like the sheer hemorrhoidal scatalogy of #11, and the inverted joke of #4. I should play the Catskills with these. As for the actual State of the Union, the text is here; I'm not going to try to make comic gold bronze out of such a boring, dead-in-the-water speech.
6. Political observers believe that President Bush will continue to lose support among his base and soccer moms as long as he encourages immigrants to take jobs from hard-working American players.
Posted by: histrogeek at January 24, 2007 09:19 AMOoh, that's nice, histro. I'm-a piggyback offa that one:
6. In an ill-advised and unapproved attempt to appeal to his base, the flip side of the president's sign reads: "Speak English."
Posted by: Travis G. at January 24, 2007 09:36 AMis Tussaud's always this current?
The sign could have said, "Welcome, white millionaires only."
Posted by: paperpusher at January 24, 2007 01:29 PM2. Forget the dinosaurs. The controversy comes from the claim that Adam and Eve were black instead of the blacks having been descended from Ham. That, and the discovery that see-through clothes technology was far more advanced than previously suspected.
4. "My moustache still tastes of your testes!"
6. And then Bush traded Beckham to the Chicago Storm.
10. The true miracle comes when the Beggin' Strips are transubstantiated into the body of Jesus' dog.
1. Poor Dikembe. First the Atlanta Hawks, and now this.
2. Fantastic scale on that T-Rex, christard.
3. More dignified photo-ops than the SOTU speech, example 1,389.
4. [After all these posts, I don't know where you find the panda-captioning inspiration, sir. But you do.]
5. The "We Know Where Osama Is, and You Don't" Dance - more painful than a Chad Johnson TD celebration.
6. Two questions. 1) Does Garth Brooks know Beckham is raiding his wardrobe? 2) How the hell did the Preznit correctly spell 'America'?
7. Little known AIC fact - 'Down In a Hole' was inspired not by heroin addiction, but Layne Staley's experiences as a youth on a poultry farm.
8. Ted Nugent - incontrovertable proof that had we really co-existed with dinosaurs, we'd have been raptor chow.
9. As her husband once again whipped out his powerbook, cell phone, iPod, PDA and GPS to show showed off for the neighbors, Maya looked away and sighed wistfully.
10. "You put the Milk Bone in the donation basket. Didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!"
11. "No, Senator McCain. We will not change official enemy designation from 'insurgents' to 'Sand Gooks.'"
1. Second later, Mutumbo smacked the text of the president's speech from the First Lady's hands and mocked her with his patented finger wag.
2. Little House on the Mesozoic
3. The Globetrotters-Generals games had always been lopsided, but lately it was getting ridiculous.
4. Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A nun getting mauled by two pandas.
5. The ill-fated Bollywood film, Snakes on Apu
6. Finally, a represenation of Victoria Beckham in which the entire body is made of hard, unyielding plastic.
7. New from KFC: The Grow-Your-Own Family Box!
8. Ted Nugent utters the immortal last words of rednecks everywhere -- "Hey, y'all! Watch this!"
9. [Norb nailed it]
10. In the grand tradition of such Hollywood crossovers like Freddy vs. Jason and Alien vs. Predator, the studios unveil the latest: Cujo vs. the Exorcist.
11. "Thank you sir, may I have another!"
Posted by: Otto Man at January 24, 2007 04:04 PM[2. yeah, half a million people will visit just for the laughs. and what the fuck is that little gray thing? did the prehistoric christians feed squirrels like pets?]
6. The Preznit's popularity continues to plummet until his photo-ops consist of lurking in the background at celebrity events.
Norbizness' 1, 3 & 9 and arghous' #10 are great but Otto Man sweeps it with 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10 & 11.
Posted by: Neil at January 26, 2007 01:10 AMWelcome to the X-Men, err, America, Beckhams --
-- hope you survive the experience!
*snikt*
Posted by: ChrisV82 at January 26, 2007 12:00 PMPRACTICE PICTURE #6: "That's it, Posh. Our plan is working! Walk straight, don't make eye contact with the welcome chimp, and whatever you do don't mention that your grandad was an arab and we'll be through immigration in no time."
Posted by: Ronald Brak at January 26, 2007 09:09 PM