Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

"We Are Totally Not Losing at Winning the War Against Not Not-Losing"

I don't know about you, but I'm filled with feelings of confidence and nausea.

After the previous post's build-up, the President had better deliver some kick-ass non sequiturs and prickly prickishness with equal aplomb. As usual, his monologues and answers are condensed and re-mixed, while the questions from the slightly-feistier-than-usual press corps remain unaltered (previous examples of this peculiar art form can be found in this category)...

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BUSH: Thank you all. Good morning. This week I went to the Pentagon for the swearing in of our nation's new secretary of defense, Gatey. Secretary Gatemouth Brown s is going to bring a fresh perspective to the Pentagon, and has already shown himself to be the office cut-up. Well, he farted in a meeting. Good ol' Gatorade.

As you know, I have been consulting closely with our commanders and the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the strategy in Iraq. Sometimes via text-messaging, sometimes when I see them online in World of Warcraft. I'm a gelfling. The war on terror is a calling to everybody, except the greatest generation of now-out-of-work Republican staffers.

I'm inclined to believe that we need to increase in the size of our armed forces. A half-trillion dollars a year just doesn't cut it anymore. I know many members of Congress are interested in this issue, especially those who up for re-election in two years. We began the year with optimism after watching nearly 12 million Iraqis go to the polls, then kind of had our good vibes all negated by watching them get blown up or leaving the country to live in Syria or Iran.

I'm not going to make predictions about what 2007 will look like in Iraq. We expect there to be 12 months and roughly 365 days, each attended by a sunrise and sunset. The temperature will remain somewhere between absolute zero and one million degrees Fahrenheit.

We'll listen to ideas from every corridor, from reactionary to obscenely reactionary. We'll change our strategy and tactics to meet the realities on the ground approximately three years after the change would do any good. The one thing we cannot do is give up on the hundreds of millions of ordinary moms and dads across the Middle East who want the hope and opportunity for their children that the terrorists and extremists seek to deny them. They may claim to uniformly hate us, but we know better.

This work begins with keeping our economy growing. Take that fourth job. Respond to a few more credit card solicitations. Sell some unnecessary organs. And I encourage you all to go shopping more [last sentence not altered].

Next year marks a new start with a new Congress, the fighting 110th Treasonous Anti-Me Asslords. In recent weeks, I have had to invite odious scumbags like Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader-elect Harry Reid to my house. MY HOUSE! WHERE I TAKE NAPS! WHERE I PLAY NINTENDO! That was a Michael Corleone impression. Clap, you ingrates!

Another area where we can work together is the minimum wage. I support the proposed $2.10 increase in the minimum wage over a two-year period, so long as it is tied to corporations never being taxed ever again and involuntary servitude in hydrogen mines for the unemployed.

To achieve these and other key goals, we need to put aside our partisan differences, forget everything my Administration has ever said, get memory wipes, wish upon a magic unicorn, and work constructively to address the vital issues confronting our nation. And now I'll be glad to answer some questions.

[The questions begin in the extended entry....]

QUESTION: Mr. President, less than two months ago, at the end of one of the bloodiest months in the war, you said: Absolutely, we're winning. Yesterday, you said: We're not winning; we're not losing. Why did you drop your confident assertion about winning?

BUSH: Oh, what a great start. Terrific. I believe that we're going to eventually win, which means we're winning now, although the winnitude may be waning on a weekly basis. But we're not not-losing at the rate that true winners should not not-lose in, so... well, it should be obvious to everyone at this point.

And I want the enemy to understand that this is a tough task, but they can't run us out of the Middle East; that they can't intimidate America [not altered]. Except when we got our troops the hell out of Saudi Arabia. But not other parts of the Middle East! [not altered by history]

QUESTION: If you conclude that a surge in troop levels in Iraq is needed, would you overrule your military commanders if they felt it was not a good idea?

BUSH: That's a dangerous hypothetical question. I'm not condemning you; you're allowed to ask anything you want [not altered]. But you can be rest assured that I would kick my own brother Marvin squaw in the nuts if it meant getting victory, and I might ro-sham-bo his groinal region anyway.

QUESTION: You have reached out to both Sunni and Shia political leaders in recent weeks. And now there's word that the grand ayatollah, Ali al-Sistani, is supporting a moderate coalition in Iraq. Has the U.S. reached out to him? How important is he in the equation moving forward? And what do you say to people who say more troops in Iraq would increase the sectarian split and not calm things down?

BUSH: Well, I haven't made up my mind yet about more troops. All of the different permutations in the war simulations I have conducted with little tiny Army Men on the floor of the Oval Office have not been concluded. Tetris figures into this decision somehow. Give me time.

QUESTION: Your former secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld, advocated for a lighter, more agile military force. Have you now concluded that that approach was wrong?

BUSH: God. Just listen to that. Former Secretary of Defense (bottom lip quivers). I'm sorry, I just wasn't emotionally prepared for that. Next question.

QUESTION: Thank you, Mr. President. Mr. President, Lyndon Johnson famously didn't sleep during the Vietnam War; questioning his own decisions.

BUSH: Lyndon who?

QUESTION: You have always seemed very confident of your decisions, but I can't help but wonder if this has been a time of painful realization for you, as you yourself have acknowledged that some of the policies you hoped would succeed have not. And I wonder if you can talk to us about that.

BUSH: Most painful aspect of my presidency has been knowing that good men and women have died in combat. I -- I read about it every night. I -- my heart breaks for a mother or father or husband and wife or son and daughter. It just does. Thank goodness for Mama's Family; it washes away all the doubt and heartbreak and gives me the steely resolve I need to send more good men and women into a meat grinder.

QUESTION: Thank you, Mr. President. This week we learned that Scooter Libby...

BUSH: A little louder, please. Excuse me. Getting old. (LAUGHTER)

QUESTION: I understand, Mr. President.

BUSH: No, you don't understand. Everything I eat is in mush form! My pants are hiked way up! It hurts when I make poo-poo and pee-pee (LAUGHTER)

QUESTION: You're right. I don't. This week, sir, we learned that Scooter Libby's defense team plans to call Vice President Cheney to testify in the ongoing CIA leak case. I wonder, sir: What is your reaction to that? Is that something you'll resist?

BUSH: No, I read it in the newspaper today. Almost forgot we even had a Vice-President. And it's an interesting piece of news. And that's all I'm going to comment about an ongoing case: I thought it was interesting. (Sotto voce) Not.

QUESTION: Thank you, sir. Mary's having a baby.

BUSH: You mean the blessed virgin is giving us the second coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? (LAUGHTER) Hey, I was being serious.

QUESTION: A question about the Iraq Study Group report. One of the things that it recommends is greater dialogue, direct talks with Syria and Iran. James Baker, himself, secretary of state under your father, says that it's a lot like it was during the Cold War when we talked to the Soviet Union. He says it's important to talk to your adversaries. Is he wrong?

BUSH: I'm going to save you the 658 meaningless words in my actual answer: Yes.

QUESTION: Mr. President, if we could return to the reflexive vein we were in a little while ago.

BUSH: The what? Excuse me.

QUESTION: Reflexive.

BUSH: Reflexive stage. OK.

QUESTION: Reflective.

BUSH: Reflective stage [the exchange is not altered, obviously].

QUESTION: Part of the process of looking at the way forward could reasonably include considering how we got to where we are. Has that been part of your process? And what lessons -- after five years now of war, what lessons will you take into the final two years of your presidency?

BUSH: Well, look, absolutely, that it is important for us, to be successful going forward, is to analyze that which went wrong. I know I'm just restating your answer as a stalling tactic. Suffice it to say that there are lessons, and they will be accumulated and learned upon. I will have a great big bowl of lesson stew. 'Tain't nothin' better than embiggening yourself through lessons, yessirree (long silence, coughs).

QUESTION: Thank you, Mr. President. You said this week that your microphone has never been louder. But on some of the key domestic priorities you've talked about, particularly Social Security and immigration, your use of the presidential microphone hasn't yielded the results that you wanted. So I'm wondering why you think your microphone's any louder and how you plan to use it differently to get the results that you're looking for.

BUSH: Yes. Microphone being loud means -- is that I'm able to help focus people's attentions on important issues. Like gays marrying. Legal immigrants working. Video game ratings, if only that bitch Hillary hadn't stolen my thunder. And, of course, what color velveteen pantsuit the First Lady will wear in the Christmas Card. And it's less a microphone than a RapMaster 3000!

QUESTION: I have just two questions related to the amazing fact that a quarter of your presidency lies ahead.

BUSH: And I have two non-answers with your name on them, if only I knew what the hell your name was or even cared to begin with.

QUESTION: First, I keep reading that you'll be remembered only for Iraq. And I wonder what other areas you believe you're building a record of transformation you hope will last the ages. And second, what is your plan for either changing your role or keeping control of the agenda at a time when Democrats have both houses on the Hill and when the '08 candidates are doing their thing?

BUSH: Well, if I couldn't get anything done with I had both chambers of Congress under my mind-control, it obviously stands to reason that I'm going to be super-effective now. Social Security! Earmarks! Hydrogen powered mopeds! My first 1200 vetoes! Stay tuned, America... this is going to be more exciting than a Quinn-Martin 70's cop show cliffhanger!

I wish you all a happy holidays (ground starts shaking, pieces of plaster fall from the ceiling). Oh no! I've angered God! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!

END

Posted by Norbizness at December 20, 2006 06:23 PM