Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Breaking the Law, Breaking The Law

It seems nobody is enjoying these, but my one regular commenter goaded me into a shorter Presidential speech for today's shocking revelations; i.e. we were breaking the law and we intend to keep on doing it. I may peter out as I attempt a second shortening in two days, but it's all for one very special, sick little kid in Houston (for a full, legal analysis of the proposed bill mentioned in the speech, check here for amazingness):

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you all for coming and forming a terrorism-victim shield around me. September 11th. September 11th. Towers down. Box-cutters. Action time!

They're still out there. But we're safe because of all the things I've done. But not safe. It's a real chin-scratcher. But we are bringing everybody to justice without actually doing anything remotely justice-related, and many times to a bunch of people who had nothing to do with anything. That shows you how serious we are.

So serious that we set up secret prisons and some not-secret prisons with lots of secret things, things so juicy that those notorious gossips in the Red Cross couldn't even get to them. Those guys are always saying "He should have water" or "Maybe you shouldn't suspend him by his shoulders for 48 hours at a time" and blah blah blah.

Some of the detainees said bad things. Maybe it was after we held them for four years without charges and for no reason, maybe it was before. Who knows? Now the double-super-secret detainees: they really are terrorists. So bad that we can't even charge them with anything because the charges would eat right through the paper and onto the floor and through the floor towards the center of the Earth like the blood of that Queen Bitch alien.

I'm going to tell you know how bad these guys are through the example of one guy, but me tell you all these details it isn't divulging anything important, because it became unimportant and non-securitally compromising the moment I decided to utter it, and midterm electoral success trumps security. The illegal ends justify the means. Really, our hands were tied, and by ours I mean theirs and very uncomfortably. Honestly, you'd all be dead if we hadn't had done this in exactly this way, and I don't want to hear any back-sass from any of you.

Which is why we're entirely changing the perfectly legal, maximally effective thing we were doing. The non-torture torture was absolutely essential to producing the dividends paid by the program. If we didn't non-torture torture, and instead just non-tortured, God only knows how many smoking craters would be dotting our great landscape.

By the way, that shit down in Cuba: also totally legal, despite what every person who doesn't get paid by the White House. And those rotten Supreme Court justices. So we'll try again, and see if we can't stick an infected finger in those robed tyrants' eyes, aye what, mate?

So here's the long and short of it: they get lawyers (boo!).. I know, I know... they're presumed innocent (laughter), and they get food and medical care (shrill hissing). But don't worry, we know they're guilty and a hand-picked tribunal hearing limited evidence and denying basic fairness protocols will know that as well. Maybe. Because frankly I don't care what happens after I'm in office.

Now that everyone finally disagrees with our methods, it's time to pass this vitally important legislation so that the world can now that a slim majority of partisan legislators right before a midterm election also agree with us.

September 11th. Think of your grandchildren, whether they exist or not.

Posted by Norbizness at September 6, 2006 04:30 PM