Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

My Life Is Also Empty, But In A Different Way

As Billy Dee Williams once said on the audio commentary track for Nighthawks (where he clearly stole scenes from both Sylvester Stallone and Rutger Hauer), "you'll never go broke underestimating the ability of average American drones with meaningless lives to write into corporate websites with their dumb little 'I am the universe and my kids are fantastic and I keep such a good home' bullshit hints." To prove Mr. Dee Williams' point, I found the following home tips at the Unilever Transnational Soulcrushing Consumer Goods Concern, LLC website:

-- "For organizing in the bathroom, I purchase a little clear container with a silver lid to hold my Q-tips® cotton swabs. It looks very nice & my kids think it's neat to open the lid & get a Q-tip® cotton swabs. -- Cathy M."

I hate you and your rotten, easily-amused, earwax-infested children, Cathy.

-- "Preparation is the key to organization. In order to have a good start to the day, I prepare everything I'll need the night before. For example, I put one of my Dove® exfoliating pillows in the shower, so it's there for me to use. I lone up my Degree® deodorant, make-up items, and Q-tips on the counter for quick access. I do the same with my clothes so they are all ready to go as well. I found that I have a much better day if I can start it off with less stress. -- Denise B."

Also, not thinking about politics, global warming, the breakdown of society, the rottenness and venality of her lifestyle, and the possibility that she is being discriminated against at the uptown Hardee's helps the stress level.

-- "Keep things right where you need them. For example, keep Dove® hand lotion on the back of your sink and use it every time you finish washing your hands. Diane M."

Next week: how to temporarily blind two airport security guards with a pinch of pepper so that your precious Dove hand lotion isn't confiscated before boarding one's flight.

-- "Summertime good weather helps me exercise outdoors more than any other time of year. My friends and I meet at various locations for fun and fitness. Exercising w/friends helps us to be accountable to each other. I doubt I would exercise as much alone! Exercise helps me glow from the inside out... -- Colleen

That sounds like PCP, not exercise.

-- "I like to keep a basket near the tv with lotion, a nail file and nail polish. It is easy to use the beauty items during commercials, and I end up with soft skin and pretty nails as a result. -- Alison"

Wouldn't want to miss that pivotal 12 seconds of dialogue on Grey's Anatomy while high on nail polish, Alison. I know this world is killing you.

-- "Drink lots of water - wear sunscreen and wide-brimmed hat when being outdoors. -- Joanne"

So lighter fluid, Crisco, and heavy wool suits are out? Whatever!

-- "I keep my sunscreen next to my toothpaste. It sounds silly, but that is the best way to make sure I keep it in my daily routine. It is so important, but it is so easy to forget. -- Rita"

Hey, I think I saw that sunscreen/toothpaste reversal routine in A Fine Mess, starring Howie Mandel and Ted Danson. Comic gold.

-- "A pedicure is a must to start off the season. I schedule a pedicure every month - and choose a summertime coral shade of polish! I love to wear sandals, but you have to have pretty, polished toes to show off. -- Rita"

It's the law in California, America's petri dish of fascistic personal hygiene legislation. More in the extended entry, if you haven't already killed yourselves yet...

-- "Make sure I have a lovely garden in my yard. Put up the screen tent, Enjoy my Lipton diet Citrus flavor green tea drink. Have a great salad with Wish Bone's Balsamic Breeze salad Spritzer. Take a Dove Body wash shower when I get up in the morning. Put on some Vaseline Healthy Body Glow on my skin. Put on my Degree Deodorant. Go To work. Have a lunch at work, Bertolli Chicken ala Vodka & Farnalle. -- Verline"

You are not getting any free products here, Verline. Try your luck with some company that LIKES having its ass kissed, like Proctor & Gamble.

-- "If your kid has a backpack that weighs as much as she does, lighten the load by sending Lipton® Teas to Go. She can buy a bottle of water from the vending machine at school and add the tea for a flavorful drink she doesn't have to tote. -- Marsha G."

Maybe you should check to see if she's in some sort of paramilitary group first.

-- "We often have family night, and fall is no different. We start with some frozen pizzas, toss in a green salad with some Wish-Bone® Salad Dressing, and play a board game or watch a family movie. -- Jean L."

"Who's up for Bad Lieutenant?" "We are! We are!"

-- "At the end of a busy work week, I clean house and do laundry on Friday night in order to have a full weekend to enjoy my family. -- Sandra"

When they stop becoming enjoyable, then look out.

-- "Around my home I place beautiful outdoor plants near windows so that no matter what window I pass I get a lovely view of nature. -- Kathy"

C'mon, Jersey isn't that bad.

-- "During pool parties, I place towels in the fridge before handing them out for a cool treat as they dry off in the hot sun. -- Sarah"

I also imprint "WARNING: May cause apoplectic shock" to immunize myself from any lawsuits!

-- "When traveling with my 3 young boys I pack each outfit including, underware, shirts & shorts for each of them in a clear Ziploc bag. That way they are not tearing thru a suitcase & making a mess of the clean clothes. Bonus - their outfits match. I do not pack socks in the bags because alot of the times during the summer we are not wearing socks. -- Kathleen"

I have a feeling her definition of "bonus" may different slightly from mine.

-- "Make a chore jar and everybody picks a slip of paper. When all the chores are done, the family gets to play. When you share the chores, the family all contributes and feels ownership and then enjoys the playtime. -- Sue"

I would have dearly loved for one of my parents to ask me whether I wanted to feel the ownership of a chore.

"Mow your lawn alter 4:00 pm in the heat of the summer. -- James"

Thanks, James. Apart from the fact that 5-6 p.m. is generally the hottest part of the day in Texas, what are you DOING here?

-- "Cut fresh flowers from your yard and put them in a vase to have flowers around all summer long! -- Kristi"

It also sounds much too complicated.

-- "I grow fresh herbs (basil, cilantro) in pots outside my backdoor and clip them right before cooking. Dishes always taste better when fresh herbs are added to them. Especially a quacamole dip with fresh cilantro paired with a perfectly blended Margaritta. -- Michelle"

Finally, some advice I can endorse without ridiculing, especially the free booze part.

-- "For a simple delicious dessert from the grill, cut fresh pineapple into rings, cover in brown sugar, place on grill for 2-3 minutes, turn, grill for 2-3 minutes. Remove and serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Everyone will rave. -- Joan"

No, wait, everyone will rave from that mushroom fruit punch Kool-Aid.

"We like to make the shepherd's pie version of pizza - whatever we have leftover in the fridge gets put on a pizza - we've come up with some great new combinations this way and it's a great way to not only use up leftovers but also to encourage the kids to eat their veggies. -- Jennifer"

And to run away from home.

Posted by Norbizness at August 13, 2006 05:29 PM