May 25, 2006

Turnabout Is Unfair Play

Well, we're at the half-way point of Host-Whacking Day, and I thought that instead of individually shaming you talentless, uninspired droogs, I'd address my remarks to the three types of roasters:

I want you to know that I wouldn't normally direct my comments at people with really unsuccessful, low-traffic websites (much like Frank Sinatra wouldn't pee on Charlie Callas if he was on fire and making funny noises), but I'm feeling magnanimous and drunk. Some of you may have already received a spot of abuse on your own websites. If I had even more unlimited time than I appear to, that spot would have become the Exxon Valdez slick, because you deserve it.

For those of you that run more successful sites than mine and are not existential atheists who believe that the universe is a cruel joke where chance fucks with us and unjust results are produced like cotton candy at a state fair, I really don't understand your thought process. That anyone reads your rejected letters to the editors to the Nowheresville Courier-Gazette is a minor miracle in and of itself. That people feign interest in the transparently updated scribblings from your unicorn-covered 7th grade journal is a testament to the impending implosion of the species. So you say you have a job where people respect your opinion? Well, of course they PRETEND to; you might spit in their kid's Happy Meal or 'forget' to replace the oil in their car's engine otherwise.

For those of you who are blogless commenters, I'm frankly surprised that I'm using this sentence to even address your worthless carcasses.

To all: thanks for driving up my bandwidth so that I again have to choose in June between this website, Top Ramen, and handing out nickels to homeless people to watch them dance ("A quarter? Arrrrr! He'll be dancin' fer hours!"). On the plus side, you aren't bombarded with requests for money and subjected to internet ads of (a) bald guys humping floors for strength and agility, (b) the latest flash animation from some rightfully obscure jerkwipe, (c) some politician who will end up screwing you and leaving you to cry in your Big Gulp full of crushed ice and Boone's Farm Strawberry Kiwi beverage.

You've got another 12 hours to roast, and then it's back to the regularly-scheduled, lo-quality snooze-fest that faux-agitated you to begin with.

P.S. But this is pretty fucking sweet.




Posted by Norbizness at May 25, 2006 12:00 PM
Comments
For those of you that run more successful sites than mine
Yes? You called?
and are not existential atheists who believe that the universe is a cruel joke where chance fucks with us and unjust results are produced like cotton candy at a state fair
Waaaa. Did you have to single me out for exclusion like that? If I weren't a universe-loathing nihilist, my feelings would be hurt. Posted by: PZ Myers at May 25, 2006 11:51 AM

This is the only response I could give to that that seems to fit at all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETQ0urHjSIk

Posted by: Alex at May 25, 2006 12:25 PM

"For those of you who are blogless commenters, I'm frankly surprised that I'm using this sentence to even address your worthless carcasses."

He likes me! He really likes me!

Posted by: Thorlac at May 25, 2006 12:42 PM

That anyone reads your rejected letters to the editors to the Nowheresville Courier-Gazette is a minor miracle in and of itself.

It's the part I was born to play, baby.

Posted by: eRobin at May 25, 2006 12:51 PM

For the longest time, I thought "The Left" referred to Bush's left nut. Thanks for confirming that for me.

Posted by: Roxanne at May 25, 2006 01:04 PM

re enron, it gets sweeter (via loren steffy the business writer for the Chron):

"Lay must surrender his passport today, and 'I think we need a substantial cash bond.' Judge Lake said he wouldn't allow Lay to leave the building today if he didn't give up his passport. Lay's kids will put up a $5 million bond, his attorney, Mike Ramsey said."

Posted by: paperpusher at May 25, 2006 01:05 PM

then it's back to the regularly-scheduled, lo-quality snooze-fest that faux-agitated you to begin with.

Damn right! And if I don't get more "Ax da President", my Koufax vote for "Most Humorous Blog" is gonna go to Drum. You've been warned.

Posted by: funkyb0ss at May 25, 2006 01:16 PM

Oh please. I've been thrown out of bigger blogs.

Posted by: vachon at May 25, 2006 01:38 PM

I roasted Norbizness for his third anniversary, and all I got was this lousy generic paragraph denigrating roasters with really unsuccessful, low-traffic websites.

I take back 50% of the nice stuff I said about you. Which leaves you with the 50% that I didn't really mean in the first place.

Posted by: Montag at May 25, 2006 01:50 PM

Hey, obscure blogs are cool just like obscure bands. Any noob can read Daily Kos. It takes dedication to join the 20 daily readers of one of the "Why I'm Smarter on Politics than Atrios" blogspot blogs out there.

Posted by: Samurai Sam at May 25, 2006 02:18 PM

Damn, Norb. We'd come over here more often if you didn't...um, DELETE comments according to some four-dimensional tesseract-theory logico-linguisticus of your self's only aloneness, at which mortals can only gasp.

I mean.

Posted by: Gavin M. at May 25, 2006 02:23 PM

I've horked up hairballs bigger and harder than this yapper. Sure, he packs a big bark, but at the end of the day, he still rolls in my poop and calls me his Daddy.

Posted by: The Cat at May 25, 2006 04:35 PM

Blah blah sour grapes blah blah I'm so morally superior because I don't use ads and sell out to the Corporate Interests that Control Amerikkkka blah blah oh poor me I have too much traffic now blah blah.

Jeez, the left is a bunch of whiners, isn't it?

Posted by: bitchphd at May 25, 2006 06:00 PM

Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you.

Also, I had sex with your wife.

Posted by: Tom Hilton at May 25, 2006 07:22 PM

Is this sort of like a party after the special olympics where we all pat you on the back and say "Good job, buddy! Good job!"?

Or is it more like that scene in "Back to the Future" where they eat Marty McFly's uncle's getting out of prison cake because he's turned down for parole, yet again?

Or is it more like one of those fake-o graduation ceremonies where second graders "graduate" on to third grade, only this blog is being held back but all the kids' parents are at the party at school so we have to put a happy face on it?

Or is it like that moment in Norb's life, that all too common moment, when the lady of the evening turns to him and says, "It's okay, it happens to all guys sooner or later. You can have a refund if you want"?

What kind of party is this again?

Posted by: The Critic at May 25, 2006 07:30 PM

Now seems as good a time as any to remind you that the distance on the restraining order is 100 yards.

Posted by: Twisty at May 25, 2006 08:56 PM

Has this blogs stopped sucking yet? No?

I'll check back later.

Posted by: watertiger at May 25, 2006 09:18 PM

I think you underestimate where Sinatra would piss... you know, like on this blog.

Posted by: Kathleen at May 25, 2006 09:25 PM

I don't know if anyone is here -- there were no lights on -- so I am just going to hope that someone hears my warning, and passes it on to the proprietor when he or she or, indeed, it returns. You see, I am an expert in near-death experiences, and when I stumbled into this five-foot hole, and realized the other foot would be short in its digging, magnanimity seized me, and I am thus here now, and with flowers, since I cannot stay for the funeral, plans of which, one hopes, are well under way.

A fake giant among real pygmies, Norbizness is likely to be missed. For like one second.

Warm regards,
anonyMoses Hyperlincoln
Green Witch Village

Posted by: anonyMoses at May 25, 2006 09:26 PM

As I remember that night during the Culture War when he saved a group of young bloggers from an entire platoon of Freepers, singing bad 80's pop the whole time, all I can say is: Norbizness is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

Posted by: Nick at May 25, 2006 09:29 PM

Nick: he owes you a blowjob, right?

Posted by: Kevin Hayden at May 25, 2006 10:07 PM

Kevin: Looks like I forgot to put a link to "The Manchurian Candidate" in my comment...

Posted by: Nick at May 25, 2006 10:45 PM

And I thought I was doing you a big fucking favor by just acknowledging that this friggin’ site existed…..WELL!

Posted by: peterh at May 25, 2006 11:09 PM

is it hot in here?

Posted by: paperpusher at May 26, 2006 07:48 AM

Again! Again!

Posted by: knuckledragger at May 27, 2006 03:17 AM