Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

"Bigger Slump And Bigger Wars And A Smaller Re-cov-e-ry"

I want a bonus fifth Maggie check: "This is indeed a disturbing universe"

We'll take a break this Sunday from the Hardy Boys re-write (collected in its own super-special category); perhaps everybody is tired of this already, or has seen the "goofy teenaged boys in constant peril" genre subjected to a better spoof in the form of The Venture Brothers. So we're back to the Sunday coupon section, an unfailing source of capitalist idiocy (other examples here). By the way, if I've accidentally covered the same ad twice or thrice, please let me know:

(1) Mother's Day is fast approaching, and the people at Glamour Shots want you to know that Mom doesn't have to be a dowdy, middle-aged hausfrau. With the experts at your local studio, she can copy your tired Mall Food Court skank look, thereby emotionally scarring you for years to come.

(2) As Wilford Brimley enters his third century on Planet Earth, he has a series of questions for you on behalf of Liberty Medical: "Do You Have Diabetes? Are You On Medicare? Didn't You Know That Oatmeal Cures Diabetes? Oh, You Won't Read That In Any Medical Journal, The Goddamned Pharmaceutical Companies Are Covering That Shit Up! It's Big... As Big As The Conspiracy In The Movie The Firm, Which I Starred In!"

(3) For all you granola-ass dog owners out there, you'll be happy to know that America's most beloved collie, Lassie, has risen from the celebrity pet cemetery to endorse Natural Way-brand dog food, which is free of animal by-products and untainted by artificial colors or flavors. I've said it before, I'll say it again: I'm not going to have your goddamned dustmop eat better than I do!

(4) Contrary to some of the nasty rumors spread by its competitors, glucosamine-rich Joint Juice is not comprised entirely of bong-water... although bong-water does taste better.

(5) If your Mom doesn't consent to a gauzy series of photographs, you could always enter her in José Olé's "Coolest Mom on the Block" sweepstakes; although I fail to see how poisoning neighborhood children with rancid horsemeat taquitos is "cool." That's not even edgy... it's just cruel.

(6) I may appear to be a coldhearted cynic through my internet persona, but deep-down I'm a huge sucker for figurines like the Hamilton Collection's An Angel of Mercy. What's she got in her adorable little bag? HOLY SHIT!! HUMAN HEARTS?!!? God's a filthy organ-harvester!

(7) Finally, a personalized check series of the week of the century that I can get with: The Simpsons. Unfortunately, the North Korean-style iconography and the beyond-lame quotes are real turn-offs. Might I suggest "God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert," "Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity. AAAA!!!", "Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over," and "Mom, am I a butch or a femme?"

Speaking of fighting the power, am I supposed to do something on May 1st? Is the East Austin Shaved Ice stand in the abandoned parking lot on Riverside going to be closed in a show of solidarity? I personally don't think that denying people a refreshing mango chutney ice treat is going to solve anything. Well, if my supervisor is reading this, please let me know in the comments.

Posted by Norbizness at April 30, 2006 08:39 PM