April 27, 2006
The Left [tweet] Knocked Out My Front Tooth [tweet]!
[Welcome again, Crooks and Liars readers, and a special thanks to Mike. Lots of new content, most of it resolutely silly, since this post... so feel free to stick around and jam up the comment-lines!]
The Left is turning brother against brother!
The Left Is Attacking Tony Snow! As expected, I have begun to froth over the selection of an asteroid-headed shill as the meaty conduit through which the Administration's lies pass directly on to the pages of the cowed media*. Just because you didn't read about it here doesn't mean it didn't happen. Faith, baby, faith! Previous installments chronicling the escapades of The Left here.
(1) Suddenly, mild-mannered TV news anchor/ radio talk show host Tony Snow has become Insta-devil to the left, while previously not a major target. That didn't take long, although I would like to try this Insta-devil product of which you speak. Of course, the reason he escaped leftist bombardment before had something to do with the even larger and more distorting gravitational pull of Brit Hume's head.
(2) The Left is doing everything [he] can to recreate Vietnam and Watergate out of thin air. [He does] it for power, but [he does] it at America's (and ultimately [his] own) great peril. Good try, but a good magician never reveals the secret behind his... I was about to say tricks, but that's something whores do for money... or cocaine.
(3) Fortunately for The Left, I've been too busy protesting my chiropractor, my g.p., my orthopedic surgeon, the vet, & the VW dealer ($700 for tires & whatnot for the Praisemobile -- ouch!) to give them the Righteous Christian Thrashing they deserve. I thank you for your Godly forbearance, Nancy. I was so moved by the chiropractor story, in fact, that I've set up a PayPal button** to finance the wood paneling the Praisemobile so desperately needs.
(4) Watergate and the Left: Who cares? Nixon was a crook, he was unmasked, he resigned, period. The Left is like the sibling who goes around whining to her parents about her bigger sibling. "Mommy, mommy, look what the Republicans did." Only this cause celebre went down 30 years ago. Time to move on. I like this new paradigm of history disappearing. Finally, my old buddies Stalin and Pol Pot can get the image rehabilitation they desperately need and deserve. Oh, and Hitler. Don't forget Hitler. He was a "national socialist," which means that The Left has to take pills in order to keep himself from exterminating gypsies.
(5) If, on the other hand, you believe that the Left is morally confused and largely a destructive force in America and the world, then the Jews' disproportionate involvement on The Left is nothing less than a tragedy — for the world and especially for the Jews. That reminds me; if there are any Jews who would like to get "involved on me," contact me at my super-secret e-mail address: lothario2006@totallylegalbeefcake.net. However, I can only take the first five Semitic suitors/suitrixes, a policy that will discourage Hebraic disproportionality.
(6) These people pretend to be nice leftists that love gays and want women to have "choice" but are actually crazy woman hating supporters of the Taliban. They are not at all the humanists The Left is claiming to be made up of. The Left of old, the left that my Black friend says he thanks for their actions during the civils rights era***. I... er... oh, look! There's a triple-asterisked footnote! Perhaps I should read it first. This is getting to be like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" entitled A Trip To The Asylum.
Here's the challenge: I'm absolutely sure that one is a parody and that one is a column from a nationally syndicated jackass. But how about the other four? That's between the authors and the God that has forsaken them, but your guesses are welcome in the comments.
* I got off a good one-liner about that here: "I would call this rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, but at least deck chairs were useful prior to the capsizing."
** You're not actually looking for this, are you?
*** Please, for the love of God, just click on the number 6 and take a gander at/read the whole thing. But please: do not disturb the proprietor.
Well, I tried to read #6 but the craziness just overwhelmed me. "This is getting to be like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" entitled A Trip To The Asylum" - now that's the kind of pithy hilarious comment I know I can count on from The Left! Keep up the good (satanic evil?) work!
Posted by: JenM at April 26, 2006 11:09 PMDear Norbiz Forum,
I'm a small blogger from the Midwest. I rarely click through links to wingnut bloggers, but when I read This is getting to be like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" entitled A Trip To The Asylum*, I couldn't resist. Plus, I'd had many beers.
I thought I'd explored the borderlands of human depravity before. But after ten minutes of reading the hot, pink Mrs. Carnivorousness I was dizzy and lost. This was a pounding that exceeded anything my mind has endured at bus stops and soup kitchens. The dirty talk. The braggadocio of unverifiable anecdotes. The catalogue of lovers. I half expected to find a census taker in the fridge, next to a Sam's Club five gallon jar of beans and a box of Chianti. And oh! the OCD listing of ethnicity, her mother's father's uncle who came from a pig farm near the market south of Baden Baden, the Black Friend, the Muslim Friend, the Native American Friend. Can the Police Friend and Construction Worker Friend be far behind?
Oh, but the Sailor Friend was there, always watching, watching and posing her dolls in BAD positions. I came to, and realized where how entwined I was, her crazy fingers tugging at my hair, her inane equivocations nibbling at my ear. Soon I was out the bathroom window, breathing the safety of clean night air, and the foul warnings of her two German Shepherds' landmines scattered in the backyard amidst the butts and Bud Light bottlecaps.
* the hardest I've laughed since "...chlamydia, the Atlanta Hawks, or Zima."
This is getting to be like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" entitled A Trip To The Asylum.
Boy howdy you weren't kidding. She did seem a bit . . . what's the word . . . Unhinged?
Posted by: Ron Mexico at April 27, 2006 12:45 AMThe Praisemobile sounds like what would happen if you the Batmobile and the Popemobile had a baby, and then the baby ran you over and you had to listen to a woman refer to her car as the Praisemobile.
As for #6..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to use paragraphs."
Posted by: ChrisV82 at April 27, 2006 12:52 AMI know which one is the nationally syndicated column, but that's because I read Townhall every single day (I have a problem).
#6 makes annieangel look like, uh, hmmmm... someone I might consider hanging out with.
Posted by: TravisG at April 27, 2006 07:34 AMIf it weren't for the pesky punctuation, #6 would be in line for next year's Molly Bloom Award.
Posted by: Roxanne at April 27, 2006 09:03 AMHow much you want to bet the author of #4 has a crack about Chappaquiddick somewhere on his/her blog?
Posted by: Carl the Big Fool at April 27, 2006 10:04 AMSweet Zombie Jesus! I know that a lot of the wingnut posts you link to seem to think of themselves as living on the conservative-contrarian edge, but #6 has somehow managed to build a summer cottage miles off the edge of the cliff, hovering in midair like the love child of Wile E. Coyote and G. Gordon Liddy. Wow.
Seriously, who makes their signature quote a comment from their own grandmother about how "nasty" they are? "Nasty all the time"?
I did like the one non-spam comment there: Ever wonder what the "enter" or "return" key does? Brilliant.
Posted by: Otto Man at April 27, 2006 10:04 AMI saw Tony Snow being interviewed by Brit Hume last night and Tony looked scarily thin, pale, exhausted and nauseous. Not good at all.
He ain't gonna last too long.
Posted by: vachon at April 27, 2006 10:04 AMHey, brother.
Posted by: paige at April 27, 2006 11:13 AMI am sorry that people find me to be "bigoted." I guess they haven't read my column, "Why I love Black people, no really."
Laugh? Cry? Both?
Posted by: Tom Hilton at April 27, 2006 11:19 AMI felt strong enough (and super bored by this refund spreadsheet I'm working on) to go back to Miss Carniverous. I saw that "return key" comment - hilarious.
In her spare time away from her government clerical job Miss C likes to read regency romance novels and watch movies that have manly men being manly in them.
I might have to read previous posts if I get handed another boring spreadsheet to research...
Posted by: JenM at April 27, 2006 11:47 AMLaugh? Cry? Both?
Both. The whole piece is both hilarious and tragic, like the suicide of a clown.
Posted by: Otto Man at April 27, 2006 02:00 PMFrom Ms.Carnivore:
"want to stop doctors from burning babies to death in the womb"
What tha' fuck? That's the weirdest description of abortion I have ever seen (assume that's what's she's talking about). Hell, if that were true, I'd ban it in a second. That sounds incredible painful. It just shows how anti-choice people don't think about the woman who actually owns the womb.
Posted by: Hysterical Woman at April 27, 2006 03:35 PMI love this comment from Miss Carnivorous:
What if Americans picked up hundreds of men and boys and slit their throats and left their bodies in public places to rot and be seen by children.
Good thing there have never been any lynchings in the US. Nope. Not a one.
Ugh. What an ijit!
Posted by: jhlipton at April 27, 2006 03:45 PMBoth. The whole piece is both hilarious and tragic, like the suicide of a clown.
Now that made me laugh.
Posted by: Tom Hilton at April 27, 2006 05:08 PMWent back to Miss C...
"Getting called a cunt is great, thank you, I do have one and I have enjoyed it for many years now and so have a few Muslim guys from various countries."
Hahaha.
I mean...just...
Hahahaha.
Posted by: ChrisV82 at April 27, 2006 05:38 PMI like many others here was simply too enthralled by #6. She's just so... Ralph Wiggum:
"...And I looked in the closet and then the left and the KKK were hugging and they made Taliban babies and then one of the Taliban babies looked at me..."
Posted by: teh l4m3 at April 28, 2006 12:56 AMYeah, I'm the author of number four and no, I don't think I've talked about Chappaquiddick on my blog. One: How can the author of this blog possibly compare Hitler, Pol Pot, and Stalin to Nixon? Two: I was writing about Watergate and Nixon specifically, and I don't appreciate the generalization. Respond to my email if you can because I probably won't be checking these comments again. Thanks.
Posted by: Yoan Hermida at April 28, 2006 01:00 AMThe gig is up, The Left.
Posted by: TravisG at April 28, 2006 08:31 AMWhen I saw this;
I guess they haven't read my column, "Why I love Black people, no really."
I figured parody, but the following - oy.
Posted by: Rob G at April 28, 2006 08:36 AMTravis: CHEESE IT!
[Lookit here, The Left left behind a note. It says 'P.S. We killed and injured a quarter-million Cambodians with our illegal bombing campaign.' (crumples up the note) THE LEEEEEFFFFTTTT!!!!!!]
Posted by: norbizness at April 28, 2006 08:42 AMI may swipe bits from his tagline when I create my elaborate right-wing parody site: "Cubano, capitalista radical, soldado americano, exterminador de islamofascistas y comunistoides."
But riddle me this, The Left: Is the feeling of being served pleasant, or does it give you have owwies? I wouldn't know.
Posted by: TravisG at April 28, 2006 11:47 AMDepends, Travis: ya got buck teef?
Posted by: teh l4m3 at April 29, 2006 02:07 AM