Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Krusty-Brand Imitation Presidential Q & A Session

Why all y'all Ohio-ass motherfuckers gotta be flummoxin' me and shit?

Well, he finally took a few questions, and not all of them were prefaced with "Thanks for making America safe, oh learn-ed one!" (to which the President would reply: "It's learned [one syllable], dumbass... learrrrnnnned") Therefore, we have an installment in this category that is actually true to its name. Let's skip over the boilerplate, which CNN described as a "high-profile" speech.

Come on now. As for the content, there may be a few passive-voice acknowledgements of fallibility ("several setbacks have occurred"), but you're sure to read the same tired mishmash of hysteria and unflinching party line bullshit in the answers. That won't prevent me from having a little cheap fun, however. Remember: the questions will remain unaltered, the answers will be wackified where necessary:

Q: Thank you for coming to Cleveland, Mr. President, and to the City Club. My question is that author and former Nixon administration official Kevin Phillips, in his latest book, American Theocracy, discusses what has been called radical Christianity and its growing involvement into government and politics. He makes the point that members of your administration have reached out to prophetic Christians who see the war in Iraq and the rise of terrorism as signs of the apocalypse. Do you believe this, that the war in Iraq and the rise of terrorism are signs of the apocalypse? And if not, why not?

THE PRESIDENT: Why not? You sound like you want me to fuck up the Middle East so that something will happen! I guess I'm more of a practical fellow. Now, I may not operate on any known definition of practicality, but that's because I went to prep school. [standard 9/11 paragraphs #12a and #21b]

But now that I'm on Iran, the threat to Iran, of course -- (cries of "Awwwww shit!") -- the threat from Iran is, of course, their stated objective to destroy our strong ally Israel. So, to answer your question, I will be subcutaneously bar-coding each any every one of you with the Mark of the Beast (tepid applause). You will need this mark to buy and sell anything. Revelation 13:17.

Q Mr. President, before we went to war in Iraq we said there were three main reasons for going to war in Iraq: weapons of mass destruction, the claim that Iraq was sponsoring terrorists who had attacked us on 9/11, and that Iraq had purchased nuclear materials from Niger. All three of those turned out to be false. My question is, how do we restore confidence that Americans may have in their leaders and to be sure that the information they are getting now is correct?

THE PRESIDENT: I was a little concerned about that question, until you made it clear that none of that shit was my fault (applause). First, just if I might correct a misperception. I don't think we ever said -- at least I know I didn't say that there was a direct connection between September the 11th and Saddam Hussein (unaltered and demonstrably false). I mean, it was a classic Mexican standoff. I think that's when you call your daddy from jail in Tijuana. Of course, nobody believes us now on Iran (cries of "He said it! He said it again! We're BONED!"). And that's a problem. Which can be soothed with the balm of nuclear hellfire.

Q Thank you, Mr. President. Welcome to Cleveland. It's an honor to have you here. I represent the Cleveland Hungarian Revolution 50th Anniversary --

THE PRESIDENT: The Hungarians overthrew the power structure in Cleveland? Are you responsible for all the little chicks with the crimson lips that say Cleveland rocks?

Q My basic question is, how can we help you, from the grassroots level, how can we help you promote the cause of freedom and liberty for all peoples throughout the world?

THE PRESIDENT: Just don't stop believin'. Hold on to that feelin'. Watch more television, but only programs that don't angry up the blood. We at the federal government will take care of everything until you vote for a Democrat. Then we release our magic hand of protection, and your kids are speakin' Arabic before you know it.

[much more below the fold, some questions have been deleted to conserve space...]

Q My son signed up after 9/11, and I didn't raise a terrorist.

THE PRESIDENT: With you so far.

Q And my question is that you are killing the bad guys, and that's very important that's the entire story of the battle. And we want to know who the bad guys are. Do you feel that Iraq is like a honeycomb, and that we can draw the al Qaeda there so we can stand and fight them there? I'm really asking for clarification.

THE PRESIDENT: Honeycomb's big. Yeah yeah yeah! OK, seriously. I have this on a note card. There are three types. One is al Qaeda. Secondly, there are Saddamists. And the third group are rejectionists (shortened, but not altered). I hope that helped. I can see by the look on your face that it didn't. Tough titty.

Q On behalf of the students here from various high school student leadership programs, we thank you for speaking with us here at the City Club of Cleveland.

THE PRESIDENT: Thanks -- I hope it's a convenient excuse to skip school, but -- (laughter.)

Q Mr. President, with the war in Iraq costing $19,600 per U.S. household, how do you expect a generation of young people such as ourselves, to afford college a time like this, when we're paying for a war Iraq?

THE PRESIDENT: Feh. Go back to school, you miserable little truant... in Guantanamo! GUARDS!

Q Another theater in the war on terror is domestic. And there's a controversy around warrantless wiretaps domestically.

THE PRESIDENT: Sigh.

Q Could you explain why living within the legislation that allowed your administration to get a warrant from a secret court within 72 hours after putting in a wiretap wouldn't be just as effective?

THE PRESIDENT: He's talking about the terrorist surveillance program that was -- created quite a kerfuffle in the press, and I owe an explanation to (not altered). Because I love protecting America. Clap, dammit!

Q Mr. President, I just finished Ambassador Paul Bremer's book, and one of the things I just wanted to say to you and to Ambassador Bremer is thank you for protecting us.

THE PRESIDENT: You're thanking BREMER?!? Holy shit! You give sycophants a bad name! Sit down! (Applause.)

Q My name is Jose Feliciano.

THE PRESIDENT: No fucking way.

Q Yes, it is. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: Yes -- it's like the time I called a guy and said, hey, this is George Bush calling. He said, come on, quit kidding me, man. (Laughter.) Que quiere decir?

Q You said what about my mother?

THE PRESIDENT: That's right.

Q I'm going to ask you a simple one now, and this relates to preemptive self-defense. How is it, Mr. President, that Iran today is really different from what Iraq was three years ago?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, first of all, there were 16 Security Council resolutions. The world had spoken with a clear voice not one time, (speaking to his Stretch Armstrong doll) I think 16 -- is that right, Stretch, 16? My doll is telling me that's correct. The Iranian issue is just beginning to play out. But you know what's going to happen (winks).

Actually, we're kind of hoping that we can muster up some latent Iran-Iraq War 80s-style nostalgia in Baghdad. Sure, the current government may be friendly with Tehran, but we're thinking that a steady diet of propagandistic television punctuated with some of pop music's greatest hits from that time... Tainted Love, She-Bop, Broken Wings, etc., will rekindle the desire to launch a beautiful, generation-destroying military campaign. Hell, it worked here.

Holy shit, the 2:00 edition of Crocodile Hunter on the Discovery Channel is about to come on. Gotta go (Applause.)

END 1:56 P.M. EST

Posted by Norbizness at March 20, 2006 05:57 PM