Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Special Orders Don't Upset Us!

Get used to these new Burger King work uniforms, people.

Not technically an Ax Da President, in that no questions were fielded (original text here). Most lines altered in order to approach something resembling a thing that could conceivably be mistaken for truth in a darkened alley-way:

I want to talk about the budget. I have to make decisions; tough decisions that won't affect the bottom line of multinational corporations. I'm doing this in New Hampshire, home of the Concord Coalition, a deficit-hawkish organization. Hopefully the state will not explode in a shower of irony or become enveloped by a giant irony sinkhole. First of all, I'd like to take the time to thank several people whose political careers I'll probably be ending by my lame-duck malingering. Sorry 'bout that, fellas.

Our economy continues to kick ass. More Americans now own their home than ever before in our nation's history. I love the fact that America is an ownership society. There's nothing better than saying, I own my own home; welcome to my home. Of course, this era ended several months ago, and now we're the Foreclosure Society. This sort of society warms Dick Cheney's robot heart. Literally. The temperature of his heart is controlled by a microchip that monitors foreclosures.

It's an exciting time to be a boss this days: lots of new workers, more hyperproductive than ever, thanks to the coffee enemas and pee into adult diapers in an effort to get away from that whole "I get a 15-minute break mentality" fostered by previous, socialist Departments of Labor. No need to provide health insurance, an army of sub-minimum wage workers ready to further depress wages. Don't thank me, it's what me and my party were illegally paid to do.

I've talked about health care and the importance for us to have a health care system that takes care of the elderly and the poor. And that's all I'll ever do on the subject. Oh yeah, frivolous lawsuits. No, that's it. I'm pretty sure. BTW, fuck federalism on that subject.

Also, I'm back to the literal approach on reducing oil dependence for the next (checking watch) six hours. We'll see how quickly one of our reality-based, mellow-harshing spokespeople annulls my proclamations. I have also talked about education. Once again, you'll have to live on that, especially if you have student loans. No Child Left Behind, and once you hit puberty, good luck. I know we've got lots of Horatio and Horatiette Algers out there.

[for the budget portion of the speech, continue on to the extended entry...]

Right now, we're on our way to cutting our (not my, dammit) deficit in half by 2009, before it balloons to 15 times its original size in the years after I leave office and take up drinking again (laughter). First, we're going to keep the taxes low to make sure the economy grows. My philosophy is this: I don't know shit about economics, but I'm told that supply siders have won The Great Economics War of 2002, and I am bound to accept their loony predictions.

Secondly, we want people to invest because it means somebody is going to have to produce the product that they buy. There's a 94% chance that somebody will be named Chang or Yao or Chun-Li. Which is good, because only the Chinese seem to be crazy enough to want to continue financing our debt.

In 2004, tax revenues to the Treasury grew about 5.5 percent. That's kind of counter-intuitive, isn't it? It's also counter-intuitive that I would use a word like counter-intuitive three times in two sentences. Of course, this is after a huge decrease in 2001, 2002, and 2003, but consider the paradigm. If I slightly improve on something I completely fucked up, I win.

The first priority of our government is to make sure our troops in harm's way have all they need to complete their mission for the sake of peace (applause.) And the best way to keep that sweet, unaccounted-for money flowing is to maximize the ways in which they can be subjected to harm (crickets).

Now, when it comes to budget talk, there are two types of spending in Washington. There's called discretionary spending and mandatory spending. Then there's non-security discretionary spending, or the money that has no chance of benefitting defense contractors and their ilk. Let's focus there, shall we?

There's no question, the war and the hurricanes have stressed our budget. You'll notice that the budgeting is an entirely passive process.

One reason we're able to do so and meet priorities is because we've identified $14 billion in savings from programs that aren't performing very well at all, or about 1/30 the size of the deficit. I mean, there's still poor and sick people! How effective can they be?

Medicare recently was modernized, which means made entirely more confusing for seniors as it pertains to them getting prescription drugs. And I understand that Congress didn't act last year on the Social Security proposal I laid out, but that's not stopping me from doing what I think is right. Impotently waving my fist at them in support of a program that's deader than Larry Flynt's legs.

Let me talk about the Medicaid decision that was made. Medicaid is an important program. To poor people. Not to me. I'm not poor. We want to take care of the poor, but we don't want to reward people who game the Medicaid system. If that means hurting the innocent 8-year-olds to punish the devious 8-year-olds, then we'll just call it our Life Lessons program.

Let me talk about the student loan program. I remember going to Kansas State recently, and a young lady stood up and asked me a question. She no longer walks among us.

Congress is working on earmark reform, and I appreciate that a lot. It's a necessary part of making sure the budget process is rational. But let me make a commitment to my friends out there: IOKIYAR. Keep it on the down low. Keep on buildin' them bridges to nowhere.

I'd like to bore you for the next 20 minutes with a bunch of middle-managementspeak that will end up saving the equivalent of pennies but coat me in a thin veneer of responsibility.

And so that's it. That's why -- I hope you get an idea of why I submitted the budget I submitted. You know, the budgets really kind of generally are numbers, they look at numbers. I know you were expecting me to say "it's clearly a budget... it's got a lot of numbers in it," but I like to mix up my gaffes.

I really appreciate you giving me the chance to come back up here to New Hampshire. I loathe each and every one of you syrup-slurpers. May God withhold his blessings from your insignificant wonderful state, and may God continue to start thinking about blessing our country with competent leadership sometime before The Rapture (tepid applause).

Posted by Norbizness at February 8, 2006 03:46 PM