Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

"Chloe, We Don't Have Time For Your Personality Disorder!"

{Bonus Caption #3?}

You lucky duckies; it's time for another Presidential platitudinal remix. It's not technically an "Ax Da President" session, but the original transcript of his pep rally speech at an NSA facility in [redacted] is here.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. I just had a really interesting visit here at the National Security Agency. Who knew that Mrs. Baird's had four different types of cinnamon rolls for vending machines? I gave a speech to the men and women who are dedicating their lives to serving the American people and preventing this country from being attacked again. I wanted especially to thank the good people of CTU, like Agent Jack Bauer, but they claimed he and it were things made up for a TV show. Whatever, guys! Wink wink nudge nudge!

Most of the accomplishments, of course, that happen out here have got to be secret. But goddamn, who knew that Belgium is THIS close to getting their waffle-making asses kicked? Bring it on, Brussels! But I know the good work they're doing, even if I don't read or pay attention to their daily briefings. As Homer Simpson once said, "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!"

The [redacted] is playing a crucial part in the [redacted] on [redacted]. First of all, [redacted] who will strike without warning. And they know [redacted] before they strike. That's what they do here, they [redacted]. The efforts of the people out here are a crucial part in [redacted], and they've been a crucial part in success in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well [laughter redacted].

Officials here learn information about plotters and planners and people who would do us harm. Plotters. Planners. People. Pppppppp. Now, I understand there's some in America who say, well, this can't be true there are still people willing to attack. These people are called my core, idiot supporters who believe that I have magical terrorist-erasing powers. That isn't true. I'm just a mean-spirited, vindictive, dry-drunk. All I would ask them to do is listen to the words of Osama bin Laden and take him seriously. Just because I'm not concerned about him doesn't mean you should vote as if you aren't.

[the warrantless conclusion is in the extended entry...]

When terrorist operatives are here in America communicating with someone overseas, we must understand what's going on if we're going to do our job to protect the people. But whatever you do, make sure this doesn't happen in August when I'm in Crawford trying out the new GameCube titles that Video Game Consultant Michael Brown picked up at the E3 convention.

In the weeks following September the 11th, I authorized a terrorist surveillance program to detect and intercept al Qaeda communications involving someone here in the United States, even though it existed before. This is a targeted program to intercept communications in which intelligence professionals have reason to believe that at least one person is a member or agent of al Qaeda or a related terrorist organization, even though this can happen with a warrant. The program applies only to international communications, even though one of the parties is here in America.

We know that two of the hijackers who struck the Pentagon were inside the United States communicating with al Qaeda operatives overseas. In fact, a lot of people in the FBI realized it as well. But we didn't realize they were here plotting the attack until it was too late.

Here's what General Mike Hayden said earlier this week: "Had this program been in effect prior to 9/11, it is my professional judgment that we would have detected some of the 9/11 al Qaeda operatives in the United States, and we would have identified them as such." Thank God for political shills who don't understand the 4th Amendment.

General Hayden has confirmed that America has gained information from this program that would not otherwise have been available, because retroactively getting a warrant make them go away. Uh-oh, it's magic! This information has helped prevent attacks and save American lives. Don't you dare redact that last sentence.

I'm going to recite a few bases for authorizing this program, but they've already been blown out of the water by numerous Republican Senators and the non-partisan Congressional Research Service. And a lot of other people. You believe me, though, right? I'll take that silence as a yes.

I'll continue to break the law because I can't admit that I fucked up reauthorize this program for so long as our country faces a continuing threat from al Qaeda and related groups. This enemy still wants to do harm to the American people. That's my Administration's job.

They have not disappeared; the terrorists are still active. And we've seen their activity in London and Madrid and Bali and Beslan and Amman and Baghdad and many other places since September the 11th. Like I said: massive success with the program. Just last week, as I mentioned earlier, we heard from Osama bin Laden. Say, did I mention that we heard from Osama bin Laden? I mean, I'm not concerned about him, but we totally heard from him. It was in all the papers.

I'm grateful for the skill and dedication of the good folks who work out here. These are fine patriots and they're making America safer. Thank you all very much, and please remember how we all heard from Osama last week.

Posted by Norbizness at January 25, 2006 05:03 PM