Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

I have no alterna-captions, but just saw Chris Penn has died. If you click on the thumbnail the main headline is about him discussing his latest comedy role and then underneath that he's dead. Nothing else but it though, its kinda strange.

I saw that story too late, JenM, and have replaced the picture and caption (it was #8). RIP Nice Guy Eddie.

5) Jack Chick cover.

You know the old woodsman's saying about this sort of thing:

White on black, friend of Jack,
Black on white, the Lord shall smite.

I liked #1 best. I'm not touching #5.

10. Q: That Olympic mascot Neve: Would ya?
A: Oddly, yeah, I'd hit it.

Indeed, RIP Nice Guy Eddie. Ahead of the curve in '92 he was talking about the ineffectiveness of torture: "If you fucking beat this prick long enough, he'll tell you he started the goddamn Chicago fire. Now that don't necessarily make it fucking so! Come on, man, think! All right! First things fucking last-- who's got the stones?"

#5: Contrary to certain rumors, this is not actually how Pandagon readers will be entertained in Austin. But that sort of service is available if you call Matt Yglesias.

or

#5: Should known pandas used the roll over and poke in the back method of seduction. Lazy bastards.

and:

#10: Oh damn, I held off of the jokes about furries for #5 and now I forgot them. Pretend this one is funny.

I like #6.

For #5: El baile del perrito has caught on even among pandas.

1. His many years in the Bush administration had made Attorney General Alberto Gonzales quite comfortable with speaking to a bunch of asses.

2. "Duuuude. Have you ever looked at your paws. I mean, really looked at them?"

3. Ticket sales had been slow for "Andrea Mitchell's Wild Ride" since the opening.

4. President Bush unveils his costume for the State of the Union address.

5. Pandas refer to this position as "reverse poacher."

6. [the one you have up is golden -- I'm not even going to try]

7. Canadian conservatives unveil the symbols of their party's program of screwing the nation.

8. Normally, a guy like this could only get his hands on three hot tarts after a trip to the bakery.

9. An aging Billy Joel performs new spins on old hits, like "Blood Pressure," "We Didn't Start the Hot Flash," and "Only the Good Die Old."

10. Predictably, the offspring of Gumby's affair with Pokey suffered from severe mental retardation.

10) A young Neo wonders which mascot to kick in the nuts first - red or blue.

5. Thailand continues its long and storied fascination with four and five year olds fucking.

(plus what's up with the closing on the real caption? Thailand Out? Is that entire nation collectively ripping off Ryan Seacrest?)

10. Destined to be the most popular Olympic Mascots since, well, since those penis looking things from Atlanta or wherever.

-or-

10. As a subtle reminder to team Germany, Olympic officials introduced "Ivory" and "Anti-Bacterial Safeguard" as the mascots for the upcoming games in Torino.

#2...Nice, Norbizness. It hurts to laugh like that.

#1 - We're sorry we thought we had human rights, AG Gonzales.
#2 - (Sorry, dude, tarsier fingers creep me out!)
#3 - No, see, I'm a pretty young girl and these paintings are ironic and Warholian! Totally!
#4 - Chris Matthews is gonna cream his jeans when he sees me wearing this!
#5 - Me love you long time, Joe!
#6 - His dream was to be a breakfast cereal mascot, but he failed the drug test.
#7 - Young Canucks experience brain freeze and think that election celebrations are totally worth the frostbite! Minority government! Wooo-hooo!
#8 - Models learn to act aroused. This will pay off in their future careers.
#9 - Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking--Oops!
#10 - Wussies from another planet.

Is the post title a reference to Perfect Hair Forever?

9. Billy Joel, two seconds before a fatal heart attack-ack-ack.

2. Tarsier is watching the shit out of that cricket.

1. "Fine. I can wait here all day. It's not like I have anything better to do."

2. Those are some bloodshot eyes. Looks like Delay's off the wagon again.

3. Creepy. Greenspan's totally looking down her shirt.

4. My very own poopy suit!

5. "That's it baby. Use the claws!"

6. "Snuffy Smith" is even more offensive in translation.

7. Whether they admit it or not, Canada so wants to be America.

8. "Jonah? Jonah? Wake up! You're going to miss the bus." "Aww, mom."

9. "I will find your weekly random iPod ten, and I will destroy your audit. Pressure!"

10. I think the Teletubbies have been sneaking into Barry Bonds "nutritional" supplements.

You should get nominated for another web award for 1 and 4.

"Billy Joel, two seconds before a fatal heart attack-ack-ack."

Nice one, Evan.

#10 Hey kids, don't do the orange sunshine...repeat... the orange sunshine is no good..

#1. “Come on ladies, why you tryna dis me like dat? Give the Gonzo some love…”

#2. South Korean scientists have successfully created the first living version of Furby from a mixture of stem cells and Kim Chee.

#3. If Andy Warhol was alive today, he would be sooo jealous.

#4. “Now I’ve got my very own racing suit. I think I’ll wear this the next time I land on an aircraft carrier. Gonna dedicate this suit to Dale Earnhardt!”

#5. This one is called “Goddess with hairy behind in front of male lover” in the Panda Sutra.

#6. No comment.

#7. Canada: Now vying for “Number One Bitch Status” against Tony Blair.

#8. Will Hung stars in the adult video production She Bangs!

#9. “I used to be cool in the 1970s before I lost my hair and crashed all those cars...”

#10. Why aren’t the creators of Gumby suing the World Olympic committee for infringement of copyright?

Personal favorites: #4 for its corporate whoring aspects and #10 for WTF were they thinking?

#7 = best.

and thanks for another axe da prez installment...

9. Billy Joel, two seconds before a fatal heart attack-ack-ack.

Heh. Well played.

Numbers one and two are my faves this week. Overall, a pretty good bunch, though.

1. This little "civil disobedience" stunt might seem like fun and games to you girls, but I'll remind you that we've got more room at Gitmo for college sophomores. Does the name Tiffany Cooper ring any bells?

2. The tarsier attempts to hypnotize its prey.

3. Do I get my book deal yet?

4. Throwing caution to the wind, the president unilaterally decides to invade the driver's seat of the Home Depot NASCAR team.

5. Ah ... two panda bears screwing. It's just like Scooter Libby imagined it would be -- but only if you replace one of the pandas with a 10-year-girl, and if you replace "screwing" by "raping.

6. C'mon dude. Sure, it's legal in Amsterdam, but I think you're still supposed to be kind of cool about it.

7. What better way to support the patriarchy than waving a penis-shaped balloon at a conservative political rally?

8. Oh, great. I guess it's time to start fighting the war against weird science.

9. Billy Joel brought the sold-out audience at Madison Square Garden to an awkward silence when he paused between songs to re-enact one his recent drunken driving mishaps.

10. I, for one, welcome our Teletubby overlords.

#6: For his upcoming film, Eddie Murphy wants to combine his Gumby character from SNL with his Africa, beef jerky-eating character from "Trading Spaces" into one astoundingly unfunny "Daddy Day Care II" mascot.

Evan- you win. But I'll throw down anyway.

1. Alberto's in charge/ of our days/ and our nights./ Alberto's in charge/of our wrongs/and our civil rights.

2. Hey, isn't that the chick who staged her own kidnapping to run away from her own wedding?

3. He hee! I'm so subversive! I'm so naughty!

4. No! You guys printed it wrong! I wanted the logo of the Homo Depot! You know, that club down in The Castro?

5. She's such a skank. On the first date, and he only took her to The Olive Garden.

6. Go Corpuscles!

7. Young blonde women wave around phallic objects in support of . . . conservatives?

8. Well, to tell the truth, they'd be a lot sexier if they weren't, you know, cannibals. But something tells me this guy will do his best to make it work out.

9. He's in a Metamucil state of mind.

10. This is what it would look like if my Eero Saarinen chairs came to life and were carrying a nasty grudge for that spilled PBR.

PRACTICE CAPTION 5: "I told you this was better than artificial insemination."

#2: On Wednesdays, the tarsiers foraged in the coffee plantations.

#4: In a related development, Home Depot employees began burning down clients' houses after falsifying evidence of dry rot.

#5: "Why do they always sit on your laptop when you're trying to blog?"

1. ..and when I become the first Hispanic king of the new world, this leftist feminist shit will stop, pronto.

2. Watch as I pareelize thees creeket weeth the hypnotic left-hand spider eemitation...

3. First three panels of the installation "Alan Greenspan gets sucked into a black hole (speaking with infinite deliberation).

4. Gee, thanks Tony, this Nomex suit is going to come in real handy for trick-or-treating. You can never be too careful.

5. Baby, I want to be your bamboo-fueled whoopee cushion.

6. If this doesn't get me a Jamaican visa, I don't know what will.

7. We yearn for a strong, firm, upright leader.

8 Nobody wants to look at a geek with an erection.

9. Baby, I want to be your bamboo-fueled whoopee cushion.

10. Prepare to eat shit, earthlings. We're just the welcoming committee.

1. "Number Four, that has got to be the most architecturally perfect ass I have ever seen. Number Five, I don't know what look you were going for, but you so missed it."

2. " ... must ... not ... blink ... "

3. If they hadn't cropped the frame on the right, we could see the rest of Greenspan's face melting over a tree branch.

4. "Three words: Strategically. Placed. Hole."

5. "You and me baby / ain't nothin' but mammals / let's do it like they do it / on the Discovery Channel ... "

6. The giant Rastafarian coolie hat is obviously a clever strategem for concealing the opium pipe.

7. "For truth! For justice! For FREE PICNIC WARE FOR EVERYBODY!!"

8. "So let me get this straight-- they banned 'booth babes,' but they're gonna have these three models sex me up in front of everybody?" And then he woke up. In a puddle.

9. "Only the good die ... yawwwwwnnnn ... " (sorry, I see no way out of that particular rut)

10. Hey, if you don't want the mascots that look like total wussy, corprate-sterilzed acid-trip figments, don't go asking 10,000 focus groups what makes them feel uncomfortable.

1. Man, he needs a breath management product!
2. Must, remember, am a herbivore.
3. I got your irrational exhuberance right here.
4. Ok, but if you keep refusing to let me take 'er out for a couple of laps, there's a free pen in gitmo for you.
5. Good luck with that paternity suit, I still got the receipt for my vasectomy.
6. Yeah, it's a funny hat, but Bob Marley personally gave me this pipe. He even signed it.
7. Stand for Canada. Because if you sit down, your ass will freeze to the seat.
8. Ok, that's $800. Which could have paid for 20 months of broadband.
9. Can I take my hands off the car now, officer?
10. Continuing the long tradition of cryptically homoerotic mascosts for the Olympic games, Snowball and Creampie encourage good sportsmanship.

#5: CHINESE ZOO OFFICIAL: And what do you call the act?
      PANDA No.1: The Aristocrats.