January 02, 2006
The Left Called The English Teacher 'Daddy-O'
Don't blame me... I didn't do it!
You can see my previous weeks' exploits in one easy-to-read category. Remember: all quotes are real (some are grammatically adjusted to reflect that The Left is a single person) and taken from sites discovered through this Google blog search. I, The Left, humbly resolve, and so should you, to re-doubling my/our efforts to surpass the overheated expectations of reactionary cretins in 2006. They do so much to exceed our wildest parodies; shouldn't we return the favor?
1. If anything, The Left has sought to subvert the meaning of America, and has to a great extent, succeeded. "American dream so f-f-full of it / Look at the indians / Look at the blacks / Look at the figures / Look at the facts / Check out the facts / The facts not the lies / When you find out / Big surprise!"
2. I have a new theory. I think it has something to do with a certain tendency of The Left to think that if you wish it hard enough, it will be so. Sort of a Disney view of the world. Guilty! Nevertheless, my wishing that Chris Berman get explosive diarrhea while taping one of his ESPN segments hasn't panned out yet... or has it?
3. Tremble, you followers of The Left, because you are yesterday’s news, and all the screaming, denials and feces-flinging won’t work anymore. That last crack about feces-flinging (I had no idea that you followers of me were into that sort of thing) reminds me of a quote from The Simpsons, oddly enough:
Lisa: Dad...maybe this will cheer you up. [plays her jug]
Homer: Aw, this doesn't work any more. [Lisa stops] I didn't say stop!
4. The irrational, paralyzing fears that The Left foists upon civilization -- such as global warming, oil depletion, overpopulation, &c. -- have real costs and do far more harm than good. My latest trick, gleaned from the exploits of Batman villain The Scarecrow, is to get people bed-wettingly apprehensive through the introduction of a foreign agent into the water supply about exploding national debt, eroding civil liberties, perpetual, counterproductive war, and a reunion tour featuring the Pozo-Seco Singers and Damn Yankees.
5. The Left’s retreat to hicksville is impressive: the western progressive has ideologically downsized and relocated to a remodeled farmhouse outside Montpelier. It seems that this person's intelligence on my whereabouts probably came from Ahmed Chalabi; I have no desire to relocate to a state populated by unhinged lunatics.
6. To all our winners, Holly-weirdoes, politicians, and “friends” of The Left, we hope your next year will be as successful as the last. Trust me, we all need the laughs. In case I am unable to supply these laughs, Plan B for this intellectual titan is to get Comedy Central to double the number of reruns of Blue Collar TV. But the sentiment to me and my readership is sweet, even if delivered in the style of a concussed W.C. Fields.
Remember, folks: I want 2006 to be the kind of year that would prompt people to stick their dicks/strap-ons in the mashed potatoes, if they knew in advance what kind of year it was going to be like.
On #3: There used to be a gorilla at the San Francisco Zoo that would wrap dung in banana peels and hurl them at people. Maybe that's what the author's referring to. In any event, the Left doesn't do this. He's always throwing spit balls.
Posted by: JDC at January 1, 2006 09:58 PMI wanna party with that gorilla.
Posted by: eRobin at January 1, 2006 10:46 PMI think the right is well aware of the gorillas at the San Francisco Zoo.
Posted by: thehim at January 2, 2006 06:36 PMI think I saw that gorilla ... if I were stuck in a cage like that, I'd be flinging the feces, too.
Posted by: Pepper at January 3, 2006 06:49 PM