December 30, 2005

Break On Through To The Crappy Side

Once again, no end of the year reviews here. However, I can give you a peek into pure terror that is January 2006; a/k/a the time when studios stop Oscar-grubbing and begin their toxic dump of forgettable dreck (not that it hasn't already begun with Rumor Has It, The Ringer, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, ad nauseum):

Bloodrayne: Legendarily bad director Uwe Boll (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark... not to be confused with Uwe Blab, the red-headed Ohio State Indiana U. basketball center of the 80s) brings us what we desperately need: another goddamned video game adaptation. My prediction: Tim Burton, Jr. will make a movie about this guy's bad movies in the year 2040.

Grandma's Boy: I was sure hoping that the two losers who pop up in every Adam Sandler movie would get their own side project. It's rated R, so everybody who was waiting to see Shirley Jones naked after 50 years in the biz might finally get their chance. A reminder: they want to you to pay to see this.

Hostel: All of the horror buffs at Ain't It Cool News are all atwitter about this torture-a-thon, billed by some as a Western answer to the unnerving final scenes in Takeshi Miike's Audition. No thanks, I like having an appetite.

Underworld Evolution: How do I know that this prequel is going to satisfactorily answer my extensive list of Underworld-related questions?

Big Momma's House 2: "This movie is gonna torture you anyway, regardless. It's amusing, to this movie, to torture unimaginative movie-goers. You can say anything you want cause it's heard it all before. All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain't gonna get." For added inducment, try this tagline: "From the director of Malibu's Most Wanted and See Spot Run!"

Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World: Last I heard, Albert Brooks is still alive, so he can't have been that controversial.

And, in the upcoming months: Final Destination 3, The Shaggy Dog, The Hills Have Eyes, The Pink Panther (Steve Martin's final cry for help), and Basic Instinct II. Sleep well!




Posted by Norbizness at December 30, 2005 04:21 PM
Comments

"everybody who was waiting to see Shirley Jones naked after 50 years in the biz"

Dear God. Not Mother Partridge.

Posted by: Quaker in a Basement at December 30, 2005 04:38 PM

See, my issue with the Albert Brooks thing is that India hardly qualifies as "the Muslim world". Next door neighbors Pakistan and Bangladesh, sure. Nearby Malaysia and Indonesia, you betcha. Iran, Afghanistan, goes without saying. But India, with it's majority Hindu and Buddhist population is not. And yes, I know there are many Muslims in India. But they're not in the majority.
And yes, I know, nitpicky.

The rest all looks like warmed over shite. Except maybe Underworld. Hello Scott Speedman and Michael Sheen. Come on in, the pool's nice and shallow.

Posted by: shayera at December 30, 2005 05:15 PM

The most stunning part of "Bloodrayne" is that, as related in its ads, the movie features Ben Kingsley. (The ads sounded about as stunned to speak those words as I was to hear them.)

I can't imagine what blackmail was used to get Kingsley into that role and, as a result, that wig. The director must have photos of Kingsley strangling a hobo to get an erection.

Posted by: Otto Man at December 30, 2005 05:33 PM

Speaking of Uwe Boll, this is a pretty good article once you get past the weak introduction.

It almost makes me want to become the next Uwe Boll, except I still have shreds of dignity hanging around.

Posted by: ChrisV82 at December 30, 2005 07:20 PM

I'm actually interested in the Albert Brooks one, because I've long found him interesting.

The rest should should result in everyone involved being hunted down by unstoppable ninaja robot half-monkey-men/half-shark zombies armed with frickin' lasers, and killed, and then killed again, and then continue being killed unto eternity, trapped between us and a parallel universe, eternally doomed to fight Lazarus, and then all their living relatives must be hunted down, and sentenced to the same, doom, and all their relatives the same.

Only then will it be possible to restore life on planet Earth anew, purified.

Re other comments: "Not Mother Partridge."

Of course not. Lulu Baines. Young Hawk-kids today!

"Next door neighbors Pakistan and Bangladesh, sure."

Call me crazy, but I can just barely imagine a couple of possible reasons why an American company/crew might want to sojourn to India, but not Former India. And it's not as if there's a shortage of Muslim community and population to immserse one's self in in Inda.

Posted by: Gary Farber at December 30, 2005 07:41 PM

Oh, I get why they'd rather be in India than either Pakistan or Bangladesh, but then they could have done it in Malaysia. I'm sure they could have found just as many stereotypes there. But what I'm saying is that India is not the "Muslim world".

Posted by: shayera at December 30, 2005 10:21 PM

Uwe "Hands of Stone" Blab actually played for Indiana, where he struck terror in the hearts of Hoosier fans every time the ball came his way. I stood next to him a couple of times and had that same sensation he was falling over on me you get from looking up at a skyscraper. Think of a bulky Shawn Bradley who never played a sport where you touched the ball with your hands until he was 18. Brainy guy, though.

And last I heard, he lives in Austin.

Posted by: doghouse riley at December 30, 2005 11:03 PM

How do people keep paying for this crap?

Posted by: aaron at December 31, 2005 12:11 AM