December 12, 2005
Silly Jerkoff! Your Low-Traffic Right-Wing Blog Cannot Stop Me!
Tonight we attack! Destroy the nativity scene, relieve yourself on the Baby Jesus, gank the popcorn balls, and meet up back here!
Time for the weekly check of The Left's (my) crimes and misdemeanors as catalogued by the Google blog search engine; punctuation and verbiage corrected to reflect that I, a single person, embody The Left:
1. The Left is joined by people motivated by socialism, Communism, anti-Americanism and anti-Semitism. Uh-oh, looks like somebody has finally taken a gander at my many sparse, airy-headed, Stalinist comment sections.
2. Headline: "Ann Coulter Experiences The Left's Censorship at University of Connecticut" I will admit that I outsourced this particular job to The Connecticut Left, a lesbian woman of color, insofar as I break out in hives if I'm within several hundred yards of that unconvincing transvestite.
2a. The Left is reduced to sobbing "you suck" at Ann Coulter. LOL. (Bonus quote: "Today, [John, not Jim] Belushi would be on Ann's side.") That doesn't sound right. I usually try to shriek "Die in obscurity, you unhinged fascist!" at that unconvincing transvestite, but only if the shriek carries for more than several hundred yards. ROFLMAO!!1!
3. Another common attack from The Left is that you can’t be pro life and support the death penalty. If you do, you are a hypocrite. So Today’s thought is, am I a hypocrite? And you thought my musical coolness self-audits were lame! I wonder how this hypocrisy self-audit is going to turn out?
4. I think the ULTIMATE answer is that The Left is 180 DEGREES wrong on just about EVERYTHING! The Left prefers Tookie over Crouch, Saddam over Karzai and Jafari, Gorbachev over Reagan, Ortega over the Contras, Zapatero over Aznar, Reno over Ashcroft, Murtha and Kerry over Lieberman and Bush. Oates over Hall, the '66 Packers over the '79 Steelers, ketchup on eggs over tabasco sauce, Police Academy IV over Magnolia: the list is endless.
5. But everyone knows that The Left is full of spite and preaches hate disguised as well meaning guff. And who does The Left hate the most? Not John Howard and George Bush (though you could be excused for thinking so). The one person that The Left hates the most is Jesus Christ. I really don't know how the command "go martyr yourself with some lions at the zoo, you unhinged waterhead acolyte of a fictitious Sky Fairy" could be construed as well-meaning guff. That's ill-meaning.
6. The Left is slowly but surely usurping the rights of parents to raise their children as they see fit... indoctrinating their children into a leftist school of thought not unlike the methods used in Chinese, North Korean and former Soviet schools. The photographic proof of my Soviet indoctrination can be found here, as I teach a God-fearing couple's toddler to drink White Russians. Get it?
7. The Left’s sabotage of this war is a deliberate attempt to give relief to the other side. This is because [his] corresponding views on capitalism and the West make Islamic radicals and The Left natural allies. Because if it's two things I keep stressing on this website, women are second-class citizens and people that don't believe in a particular school of Islam should be purged. In the alternative, check out this press release from al-Qaeda opposing the flat tax.
Sorry, no links to individual posts; did you really need to read a group of people who bring up the Soviet Union 50% of the time? Until next week! Who knows what perfidy I'll cook up without my knowledge? Methinks a masterstroke that would depose Jesus Christ and holiday capitalism in one fell swoop is in order (twirling newly-waxed moustache)!
UPDATE: As a bonus, all of The Left's crazy megalomania is now collected in one easy-to-ignore category!
UPDATE 2: For anybody reading this page for the first time on referral from the fine folks at Crooks & Liars, you should really check out the weekly captions; it's the only thing I'm really good at.
I had such high hopes for "on the left is a small apple turnover." I'm hungry.
Posted by: Chris Clarke at December 11, 2005 11:28 PMSince when did The Left (and the rest of us liberals) turn into such Jew haters? I thought we loved the Jews. I thought they were on OUR side. Didn't the Jews invent Hollywood, after all?
Seriously, what the fuck? Conservatives say some batshit insane things, but that is the one that always gets me, even more than the "we really hate gays" one.
Posted by: ChrisV82 at December 12, 2005 02:27 AMThe Left pried the lid off my bank account and redistributed my income like so much damp trash scattered across the alley.
Posted by: TravisG at December 12, 2005 08:07 AMBearing in mind that the Republicans have dominated the White House, the House of Representatives, the Senate, the Supreme Court, and the TV networks, for several years now, I think it's time to update the old joke about the jew reading nazi propaganda: "I like to read about how powerful we are..."
Posted by: derek at December 12, 2005 09:16 AMPersonally? I eat fascist insects that prey upon the life of the people for breakfast.
Posted by: larkspur at December 12, 2005 09:41 AMThe Conservatives pried the lid off my bank account and took it for themselves and their offspring!!!!
The Right Wingers are scary. They look inside their souless bodies and accuse everyone else of what they feel.
Also. The writer of this site must be a high school dropout. He writes with the same prose and style as the World Wrestling Federation announcers....only a little bit less literate or interesting.
Posted by: Mr. Liberal at December 12, 2005 11:15 AMSo, the left has to hate the jews because they/we think the palestinians have a right or two. That is the beauty of letting the political opposition define you. Not only can you be described as a hate monger by hate mongers but you end up trying to defend yourself from being yourself. Wahoo.
Posted by: rose at December 12, 2005 11:47 AMDrats! Since I loved Magnolia and use tabasco on everything--most especially eggs--I'll have to surrender all my left-wing creds.
Well, that was easy. BUt can I still support two decorated Vets (Murtha and Kerry) over a pol and two Dodgers(Lieberman, Cheney, and Bush) in who is more likely to be realistic about combat?
Posted by: Ken Houghton at December 12, 2005 12:03 PMthe left is objectively pro-morris day and the time
Posted by: olexicon at December 12, 2005 02:06 PMHey, I don't hate Jesus! He was a pretty nice guy...
Although, even though he had unlimited power, he decided not to show himself to America, which in the short term consigned Americans to Hell, or at least the bad seats in heaven, and in the long term directly lead to a genocidal invasion which ravaged two continents, killing millions and utterly destroying some of mankind's greatest intellectual achievements (Writing in mesoamerica was conceived independantly, something that has apparently only happened five other times in history) and pushing the survivors into a position as second-class citizens that to this very day continues to bedevil people of Native descent.
On second thought, fuck that guy. He was worse then Hitler.
Posted by: Christopher at December 12, 2005 02:30 PMDon't worry. When they march us all off to detention camps with blue stars on our shirts, hating the Jews will be last on our manufactured list of indiscretions.
And it's, "Morris Day and the Mother Fuckin'Time!"
-Jason Mewes
Ha! Norb, I gotcha beat in the "evil libural powers" department! Because I have the added, godlike evil powers of teh gay! Yes, and as I revealed exclusively over a World O' Crap, it is I who am behind the ever-increasing numbers of aborted womb-babies, global. As my powers intensify, every pregnant woman will sneak out to abortionist clinics (in countries where it is legal) or to filthy back alleys (in those places where it is not-ya can't stop me!) to get her precious womb-apple scooped out. Soon, the entire human race won't be able to reproduce more quickly than they die-off, especially if that avian flu works out the way I hope it does. You're all doomed, I tells ya, DOOMED!! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!!1!
Posted by: Marq at December 12, 2005 11:30 PMSheesh. Talk about ego. Your captions aren't that great, Chuckles.
Posted by: TravisG at December 13, 2005 07:53 AMRegardless of whether his captions are good or not, it's not really that egotistical of him to say that it's the only thing he's good at, is it?
Posted by: Anonice at December 13, 2005 08:23 AMunconvincing transvestit
Woop! Googlebomb in da house...
Posted by: Gavin M. at December 13, 2005 08:36 AM2a. "The Left is reduced to sobbing 'you suck' at Ann Coulter."
The Left's power is fading, because we're not clever enough to switch out "yelling" with "sobbing" when we describe the two creepy, middle-aged stalkers outside the Planned Parenthood. If only we could write above a fourth-grade/WWE level!
Posted by: Decker at December 13, 2005 08:44 AM
Jesus is fantastic. Especially with Tabasco. Or ketchup, I'm easy.
Posted by: tigrismus at December 13, 2005 06:47 PMwhenever I say "Jesus" in the house,as in "Jesus Christ! will you STFU!", ...the dog thinks I'm saying "Cheesus"...you see, my dog luuuuvs cheese, and so, he worships the divine lord, our savior, Cheesus
Posted by: DucatiDave at January 3, 2006 05:00 AM