Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

The Festivus List Of ESPN Grievances Is Stunning To Behold

Thanks to Travis at Wirecan for a link to a truly impressive list of things to hate about ESPN. Look, I know we're about to confirm a Supreme Court justice whose life's work is to dismantle uterine autonomy, but something about this set of justified bitches against a corporate sports network really speaks to me. In a way, this is my small contribution to Amanda's bitching project.

But rather than talking about phenomena that suck (ESPN Original Movies [?!?], overhyping certain stories like Terrell Owens and Red Sox-Yankees games in May, overreliance on severely played-out catchphrases, referring to something that happened 15 minutes ago as the best ever something in sports history), I'll go straight to my impressions of some of the fossils and miscreants that make watching sporting events on this network such a chore:

Chris Berman: The epitome of all that is wrong with humanity. A sweaty, stuttering douchebag who sounds like a malfunctioning weedeater whenever trying to form a complete sentence. And he smells like Vienna Sausage sauce (I'm guessing). More here.

That smooth-faced 12-year-old who hosts "Around The Horn": You actually make me pine for Max Kellerman, you prick. Your teeth are so bleached, they're translucent.

Scoop Jackson: Has about as much street credibility as the black kid in a wheelchair in Malcolm in the Middle. Judging from his juicy takes, I'm guessing his nickname before "Scoop" was "Say It, Don't Spray It, Asshole!"

Lee Corso: Along with frog-necked Beano Cook, the only person to remember the epic Rutgers/New York Polytechnic 0-0 tie in 1887. If you tallied up his shouted college football predictions, he's right on the outcome about 9.3% of the time, defying all probability.

Stuart Scott: Just read the thread in the main piece for multiple anecdotes of X-treme douchebaggery. Actually ripped off... and then lied about ripping off... the phrase "cool as the other side of the pillow." Pleasures self with the "Thirst Doll" from the Lebron James Sprite commercials.

Stephen A. Smith: I once called him "a deeply, deeply ridiculous little man. Yelling like a 12-year-old wannabe gangsta makes me less inclined to accept your weak takes." According to the main thread, he was given an hour-long show on ESPN2 because he actually tested uniformly negative in all demographics with the research audience. This pretty much is the governing philosophy of ESPN, which leads us to...

Woody Paige / Skip Bayliss: A senile doofus from Denver and a Muppet made out of leather (sorry, Troy McClure) from Dallas or California being forced into asinine disagreements. That's ratings magic.

Dick Vitale: I have discovered how to do the perfect Dick Vitale impersonation. Imagine you're an aging bloodhound, nearing retirement. On your last trip, you, of all bloodhounds, have picked up the trail of the escaped convict. Now signal your master by howling the word "Duuuuukkkkkeeeee!!!!" (reprint)

Mike Lupica: Seeing his petulant reactions when somebody dissents from one of his amazingly uninformed opinions is like seeing my 6-year-old sister being forced to eat lima beans, except significantly more annoying and less traditionally masculine.

Tony Kornheiser: Larry David wishes his character could be this intensely unlikeable, irrelevant and frivolous.

Joe Theismann: Actually, Joe is pretty good on the Sunday night analysis, but I had a really good joke about Maguire keeping him in line by threatening to show him video of his own leg getting broken by Lawrence Taylor.

Pod People on Cold Pizza: They all have exactly the same set of fake teeth. Watch it sometime.

Michael Irvin: You're a fucking crackhead, and they'll use your wardrobe as evidence in the trial.

Well, I'll say this for them. At least they aren't like Fox Sports, relying on the legendary broadcast skillz of John "Spider" Salley and Tom Arnold for their national show and the single most annoying human being in all of existence (and therefore, the most marketable!) for their local report.

Posted by Norbizness at December 2, 2005 03:38 PM