October 02, 2005

The Triumphant Return of Sunday Coupocalypse


Demand perfection from your children before indulging them!

If you're a new reader, this particular feature may seem odd... a useless waste of time... the demented ravings of a diseased mind... the nonsensical ramblings of a grossly unproductive individual. Alright, I get your point. For a primer, check out this section of the archives...

1. According to Gerber's Grins & Giggles Baby Wash: "Sometimes, you just have to stop and smell the baby." I assume that Gerber will indemnify me should I attempt this little trick on a stranger's child in a public park.

2. If the World's Oldest Good Luck Bracelet, complete with built-in magnets that are scientifically proven to remove $10 from your wallet, really works, then how come the Sung Dynasty isn't around anymore? Were their built-in magnets no match for the large clubs and crossbows of the Monogolians?

3. Quick question: are people that take advantage of the variety of stamps from the Republic of Guinea under the delusion that they're starting a profitable enterprise born or made? Did you really want that vintage 1982 Charles-and-Diana stamp, or that series honoring the work of Sergeant Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies?

4. Want to bring back the memories of your wonderful vacation to Italy? Then you probably should have taken some pictures/video of your experience, rather than trying to eat some bullshit seafood scampi Corner Bistro Frozen Dinner from Stouffer's.

5. How can you deny the parental appeal of Juicy Juice's extortionate slogan: "Don't they [your children] deserve the very best?" I mean, there is a significant chance that your child will grow up crappy even with 100% juice flowing through their digestive system. And didn't Clint Eastwood once teach us that deserve's got nothin' to do with it? Just get them some blue drink in a one-gallon bottle and you won't need to worry about spoiling them.

6. Following Aunt Twisty's lead, today's horrible fashion item is the Silhouette Slimmer Pants, available in woodrose, grey heather, navy, plum, willow, and black. Your ass may appear 6% smaller, but you'll also look like some hausfrau playing golf on a public course in 1974.

7. This week's personalized check of the century: Eva's Kids Too... four enchanting designs featuring small children being eaten by flowers that are guaranteed to horrify your drycleaner into a coma.

8. Who's up for a round with Oil of Olay's Regenerist microdermabrasion and peel system? I mean, shit. It sounds scientific.




Posted by Norbizness at October 2, 2005 08:46 PM
Comments

are local TV ads allowed in this category? i could make a killing.

consider the real estate agents at a certain #2 ranked party school who state that they are accepting admissions for the 2003-2004 school years. i guess cost of using time machine is included in the $1k/quarter rent.

Posted by: almostinfamous at October 2, 2005 09:32 PM

I'm going to Italy on Tuesday. I was totally gonna bring back frozen dinners for everyone. Now, I'm rethinking my gifts.

Longtime lurker, secondorthirdtime - or so - commenter.

Hooo-aaaaahhhhhh.

Posted by: justin at October 2, 2005 10:45 PM

#2 - the 'Monogolians'? Were they the dreaded Kissing Bandits that so plagued the later years of the Chinese Dynasty's high school sock hops?

Posted by: legion at October 3, 2005 12:36 PM

Is it just me, or does Eva's Kids Too appear to be a low-budget rip-off of Ann Geddes?

Posted by: Realist at October 3, 2005 05:39 PM

I've always loved clipping coupons, just for the wacky stuff like "America's Favorite Bra!" (a brand you never heard of); teddy bears with 12 different sweaters, one for each month; St. Francis medallions--for your pets; slippers advertised as being "easy to slip on," which I always considered implicit in the fucking concept; and about a month ago, the Sunday after Katrina hit, Zatarain's New Orleans style rice was holding a contest where you, yes, you, could attend the 2006 Mardi Gras. Talk about your bad timing.

And I'm a mostly lurker, sometimes commenter, and yez been added to ye olde blogroll over at my joint.

Posted by: The Critic at October 4, 2005 12:16 AM

i can assure you, it ain't all 'grins'n'giggles': that 'new baby smell' wears off faster than you'd think. and the elastic loop on pine-scented car fresheners sometimes doesn't stretch all the way around those big ol' toddler heads.

Posted by: preggers mcfertile at October 7, 2005 11:34 AM