August 23, 2005
Remember: People Actually Give Him Money
Jesus may love you, but I'm going to get some pipe-hittin' Liberians to go to work on you with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch!
Time to rearrange the Pat Robertson atrocity board. In a just world where a Sky Fairy actually exists, he would dressed in eight layers of filthy clothing in a public park and be muttering to squirrels about CIA broadcasts through his fillings and the invisible atheist gnomes that are stealing his day-old charity bread:
(1) "What we need is for somebody to place a small nuke at Foggy Bottom [headquarters of the State Department]"
(2) On gay days at Disneyworld: "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you, This is not a message of hate -- this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
(3) "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."
(4) "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war." (bonus church sign here.)
(5) "[Planned Parenthood] is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism -- everything that the Bible condemns."
(6) Feminism is a "socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
(7) “Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson accused President Bush of ‘undermining a Christian, Baptist president to bring in Muslim rebels’ by asking Liberian President Charles Taylor, recently indicted for war crimes, to step down.”
(8) "One justice is 83 years old, another has cancer and another has a heart condition. Would it not be possible for God to put it in the minds of these three judges that the time has come to retire?"
(8a) "Well they can interpret it any way they want to. I'm talking to God, and it's up to Him to make a decision and if some of these folks don't like what I'm praying for and want to pray the other way -- have at it! Let the Lord decide."
(9) Robertson purchased rights from Mobutu to dredge for diamonds in a remote portion of the Zaire river near Tshikapa. Diamond mining is an expensive proposition... In a cost-cutting move, Pat ferried his cargo aboard planes owned by Operation Blessing, a tax-exempt charity of Robertson's working to deliver medical supplies.
(10) "You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don't have to be nice to them."
And, just narrowly being nudged out of the top 10, because it's rather implied by the other atrocities, is "[Separation of church and state] was never in the Constitution. However much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the communist Soviet Union." Plus he farts a lot and blames it on Satan's dog.
(Source material, unless otherwise linked, here and here.)
He also just made public statements advocating the assassination of Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. "Who would Jesus assassinate?" Chavez, I guess!
Posted by: aaron at August 23, 2005 12:21 PMCurses, it's listed as #4. My reading comprehension skills are so awesome!
Posted by: aaron at August 23, 2005 12:22 PMI used to live down the street form this prick and his compound. Bastard had the city of Chesepeake move a frickin road because it went too close to his mansion.
Posted by: Keith at August 23, 2005 12:57 PMHey, once you've averted a hurricane or two, moving a road is child's play.
Posted by: Otto Man at August 23, 2005 01:37 PMPersonally my very favorite Pat Robterson is his analogy that Nazi:Jews as Homosexuals:Christians! It's so super-fucked-up that it's beautiful in its twistedness! Apparently the *real* homosexual agenda isn't about civil rights, it's to round up and exterminate all the Christians!
How the hell we're going to do that, I have no freaking idea. Maybe that's why it's so important to keep us out of the military? Keep the gays away from the guns!!?!!
Posted by: zoe kentucky at August 23, 2005 01:53 PMI'm convinced that somehow we got a hold of the evil alternate dimension's Pat Robertson, and he's been fooling us all these years by keeping his goatee shaved.
Posted by: Pete at August 23, 2005 01:57 PMYes, homosexuals have been rounding up Christians and confining them in special camps that we like to call the HALLS OF SPECIAL-INTEREST POWER.
I'd shout 'Jesus!' in exasperation, but it might be misinterpreted. All I know is, if a religious leader's job is supposed to be to provide his flock with guidance and wisdom, Pat Robertson is the worst religious leader ever. If he were an artist, he'd draw horsies with their legs bending the wrong way.
Posted by: HWRNMNBSOL at August 23, 2005 01:59 PMYeah, whatever happened to the "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" mentality that Christians are supposed to embody? Pat's hurling mountains here.
Posted by: jo-fo at August 23, 2005 02:06 PM"2-4-6-8!
Who Will Pat Assassinate?
Chavez! Chavez!
FREEEEEEE OIL!"
I think it's only fair to point out that Pat Robertson does not speak for most Christians in this country, who would never pray for God to assassinate Hugo Chavez and instead beseech Him to spiritually transport all that oil to a country that can make better use of it, along with free gas for life cards.
Posted by: doghouse riley at August 23, 2005 02:41 PMGreat list! I fully intend to cut and paste and then hound any news outlet into submission for giving this dangerous extremist airtime. Who does he represent, any way? Even the most conservative people I know distance themselves from his wingnuttery.
Posted by: steve at August 23, 2005 03:02 PMIt pales in comparison to the other idiocies you've compiled, but I got a kick out of this one:
http://www.cbn.com/communitypublic/shake.asp
Pat Robertson's Age-Defying Shake
Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg-press 2000 pounds! How does he do it?
Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman?
One of Pat's secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients.
Posted by: Otto Man at August 23, 2005 03:55 PMYou forgot that he advocated that we whack Muqtada al Sadr about a year ago. So this is Robertson's second fatwa.
And you forgot that he had a kickback deal with Taylor so that Taylor would get 10 percent of any gold mine profits from Robertson's Cayman Island registered company that taylor had given a gold mining franchise to.
Holy shit, this post just made the CNN "Inside the Blogs" segment.
Our little boy is all growed up.
Posted by: Otto Man at August 23, 2005 03:58 PMOh noes! This blog is most excellent and fine, but it does upon occasion drop the f-bomb, mock religion and do other non-whitebread things. What will hapless CNN viewers do when guided here?
If that's true, then shame on you for watching CNN in the early afternoon, Otto Man. And holy shit is right. No traffic spike yet.
Posted by: norbizness at August 23, 2005 04:20 PMFuck if I know, He Who Etc. Oh fuck! I said it again! (devolves into Knights Who Say 'Ni' sketch)
Posted by: norbizness at August 23, 2005 04:21 PMBelieve me, Norb, no one is more ashamed of my watching the Situation Room than I am.
Truth be told, I just find that Wolf Blitzer so damn dreamy. Most afternoons, I find myself just writing "Mrs. Otto Blitzer" over and over again on my denim book covers.
Posted by: Otto Man at August 23, 2005 04:28 PMSweet Jesus, what a demented old codsack.
Posted by: Quaker in a Basement at August 23, 2005 06:12 PMPat leads! Inspiring American, para-militaries to go and "take out" elected presidents. Just when you thought these guys in were out of style (thank you Tim McVeigh.) Actually he is a cleric, just like those videos of Osama which inspire young muslims to blow up busses. Cleric Pat and his fatwa!
Posted by: Leigh at August 23, 2005 06:34 PMI was gonna say that I was without sin so I'd be happy to stone the m*therfucker, but that would be a lie. I'd run over him instead.
Posted by: vachon at August 23, 2005 07:04 PMPerhaps folks would like to contact the FCC over Robertson's call for murder. If it's illegal to say "sh*t" and "f*ck" on the air, then promoting assassinations should certainly be banned. Won't somebody please think of the children?
The head honchos at the FCC are:
Chairman Kevin J. Martin: KJMWEB@fcc.gov
Commissioner Kathleen Q. Abernathy: Kathleen.Abernathy@fcc.gov
Commissioner Michael J. Copps: Michael.Copps@fcc.gov
Commissioner Jonathan S. Adelstein: Jonathan.Adelstein@fcc.gov
Posted by: Superchristian at August 24, 2005 02:22 AMThe CBN is not yet regulated by the FCC, if I'm not mistaken. However, if the fundies get there way, cable will soon be under the feds' watchful eye...
Posted by: Auguste at August 24, 2005 02:53 AMmy grandmother lived around the corner from the compound, and actually made me go there one day w/ her and her friends. we listened to some guy talk about physically wrestling with demons and coming away w/ bruises and scratches. and then they asked for money.
this greedy, asinine, hypocritcal nutbag does a great disservice to christianity...if only they would see that. i believe there are special places in the christian hell, set aside for people like Pat "the Hitman" Robertson.
Posted by: amy at August 24, 2005 10:50 AMOkay, so apparently now Robertson is claiming his remarks were misinterpreted, and 'take him out' could mean lots of things, including kidnapping Chavez. Oh, yes, that's much better, Mister Robertson.
Personally I think Pat's spin team should be fired. 'Take him out' could mean, you know, taking him out on a date! We could all go to TGI Fridays, get a fried onion appetizer and some mudslides, give him our Big American Charm, and presto -- it's Come to Jesus Time!
Remember, he's a REPUBLICAN! Where are all the Republicans standing up and condemning his statement? Silence is the most sinister form
of complicity.
All that is required for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.
Posted by: Steve Moyer at August 24, 2005 02:16 PMPat Robertson is to Christianty as paedophilia is to babysitting!!!
Posted by: Lee at August 24, 2005 06:40 PMWell REPUBLICANS Whos on Pat Robertson's hit list today,Hard to believe that a so called man of God condones the assassination of a elected county's leader and in the same breath say abortion is murder,Sad very sad, but sorry Republicans,you cant have it both ways.Two face and hypocrits, damn what a world we live in
Posted by: Dan at August 26, 2005 12:29 PMJust like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again.
Anybody know where liberal America is hiding the concentration camps? I was planning to take in a movie tonight, but I'd much rather watch evangelical Christians get gassed.
Posted by: Realist at August 26, 2005 04:58 PMWho would Jefferson kill?
Well people that's america. I mean had he told that 25 years ago you wouldn't probably even thought about it. So please quit those "OMG" postures and accept that some times you tend, as a whole nation, to be a little over the line.
Posted by: Besnik at August 26, 2005 07:25 PMI hope you guys are all american, coz' that's about the only hope you have left about your teocratical state. I would more than rejoice over a full-on strike on any muslim-run authoritarian fascist stact by the U.S., but as long as you have all of these millions of insane illiterate, soul-less cretins in your own compund, you should first of all destroy them, before sttraightening out the rest of the world. I see no reason not to fight fire with fire; go out there with your precious fire arms and KILL all them "religious" people! Seriously, I don't want them to breathe the same air as we regular humans do, fucking exterminate them all.
Posted by: Dan at August 27, 2005 07:02 PM