Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

You’re Mine For The Taking, I’m Making A Career Of Evil

What next, Kronos, Father of Zeus and Sire of the Olympians?

Things are a little slow at HPFST Amalgamated*, and you no-comment-producing, 2-liter-of-Diet-Grape-Fanta-drinking, cork-sucking iceholes aren't helping. Therefore, I'm going to reproduce the semi-annual bill of indictment against me; i.e. a compendium of my various atrocities committed against America, morality, God, and civilization. Because I AM THE LEFT**.

(1) The Left [is] desperate to keep a Catholic off the [Supreme] Court. Damned straight. I got a John Birch Society pamphlet here, and I'd rather kiss Bea Arthur on the left butt-cheek than have a some Papist in a black robe taking orders from Rome. Transubstantiated blood-drinking, flesh-chewing crazies, the lot of them!

(2) The Left doesn't support the troops and should admit it. It's a fair cop, Dennis. And I'll admit that as soon as you admit that you're one of the dumbest, if not the dumbest, most disingenuous people on the planet. Insofar as you justify Nazi comparisons from fundamentalist Christians who believe that you'll spend an eternity in hell.

(3) The Left is desperate for a hoax. Here's one: the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II was a deep national stain and an unjustified overreaction based on racist paranoia! Now go debunk it in a book! (Hoo Lawdy mama, I'm bad)

(4) The Left supports free speech for everyone except those who that have a differenct [sic] point of view. Oh, come on, Jeff. Without free speech from whores who turn into reactionary fake columnists who turn into fake White House gaggle question-askers, where would I get my material?

(5) It is entirely understandable that the Left is viscerally anti-Bush. His political strategy is not based on the democratic approach of seeking the middle ground, but on sharpening differences and divisions, of defaming and intimidating those who do not support him as appeasers, immoral and weak. I just thought that this editorial was strange, in that is the only excerpt that correctly uses the possessive "his" instead of "its." It's also a prime example of unmuddied projection from this appeasing, immoral, weak, dingo-pleasuring half-wit.

(6) But conservatism is not the chief threat to liberalism; the Left is its own worst enemy. His, you stupid kraut! His!! But it's true. I sometimes drive drunk, I eat fatty foods, I don't take enough exercise, I'm very non-committal about this whole nicotine patch thing, I don't drink enough water, I need to get my A/C air ducts cleaned, and I do love the periodic gas huff.

(7) This admiring spirit [of militant Islam] explains The Left's nonchalant response to September 11th. I can't help it. I didn't have a weblog then! I'm not a time-traveller! I think somebody might have noted on AOL that they witnessed me at an IHOP on 9/12, unable to finish off a second helping banana pancakes.

(8) It’s always shocking when The Left unmasks itself—it’s usually very brief but when it happens not only can’t you turn away, it’s actually important that you don’t. While it would seem impossible, The Left has found a new low. Look, I didn't know that it was the girls' bathroom. It was one of those Italian places with the themed, ethnic bathroom names, and neither one made any sense to me. And yes, after a few drinks, my bladder gets a little pushy, and I like to save time by pre-emptively undoing my fly before entering the W.C. Don't look at me like that.

In addition, taking my cue from my similarly treacherous cousin, the raccoon, I have upset the garbage cans and dug up the gardens of many people on the right side of the spectrum. I have also caused two wars to be lost and the male pattern baldness and impotence for a number of National Review writers to accelerate. And, since I'm in a state of chemical intoxication at least two-thirds of the time, I probably did a bunch of shit I can't even remember. Perhaps you could remind me in the comments.

* On the plus side, I am #1 for the Google search term "ADAM SCHIFF SAYS FUCK YOU."

** That particular comic conceit never really caught on, did it? I mean, isn't it funny to think of The Left as a single person, especially since the term is so often used monolithically. I am going to have to flog my Marketing Department, and then I'm going to do some cross-country travelling to flog people who should be giving me props on their exponentially more popular websites.

Posted by Norbizness at August 23, 2005 12:20 AM