Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

I Love a Parade!

and

Hooray for Eastasia!
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The Pentagon would hold a massive march and country music concert to mark the fourth anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attacks, US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said in an announcement tucked into an Iraq war briefing today.

I think that this entirely appropriate, as one of bin Laden's biggest grievances against the West was the increasing blandness and homogenization of the sound of modern country music.

"This year the Department of Defence will initiate an America Supports Your Freedom Walk," Rumsfeld said, adding that the march would remind people of "the sacrifices of this generation and of each previous generation."

When reminded that Americans traditionally celebrate the sacrifices of their military with Memorial Day and Veterans' Day parades, Rumsfeld appeared genuinely puzzled. "But those parades are in May and November," he said, furrowing his brow "This one is on September 11th in a year where the President's Iraq War approval rating is in the 30s."

The march will start at the Pentagon, where nearly 200 people died on September 11, 2001, and end at the National Mall with a show by country star Clint Black.

All proceeds from the event will go to buying millions of copies of Jackie DeShannon's "Put a Little Love In Your Heart" to drop on the enemy forces in Iraq. In addition, all attendees will get their choice of (1) magnetic ribbons or (2) prayer cloths for physically or mentally injured veterans. Body armor and Haldol are inventions of Satan, after all.

Word of the event startled some observers. "I've never heard of such a thing," said John Pike, who has been a defence analyst in Washington for 25 years and runs GlobalSecurity.org.

Pike was then handed a large bag with a dollar sign printed on the outside. "I take that back," he stammered, "I've totally heard of such a thing. I just meant the Clint Black part."

The news also reignited debate and anger over linking September 11 with the war in Iraq. "That piece of it is disturbing since we all know now there was no connection," said Paul Rieckhoff, an Iraq veteran who heads Operation Truth, an anti-administration military booster. Rieckhoff suggested the event was an ill-conceived publicity stunt. "I think it's clear that their public opinion polls are in the toilet," he said.

Moments later, information was distributed on the Drudge Report that Rieckhoff left $38 in unpaid late fees to his local Blockbuster before deploying for 18 months to a 120-degree hellhole. He was promptly deported to whatever country his unfortunate family fled in the 19th century, and he was named by Christopher Hitchens as the single person who had done the most to lose the War in Iraq.

Rumsfeld's march had some relatives of September 11 victims fuming. "How about telling Mr Rumsfeld to leave the memories of September 11 victims to the families?" said Monica Gabrielle, who lost her husband in the attacks.

Moments later, information was distributed on the Drudge Report that, in 2000, Gabrielle had had several arguments with her husband, a man who would have undoubtedly wanted her to shut up. "How can that hypocritical harridan hate on America when she couldn't even get along 24-7 with her so-called husband?" queried Michelle Malkin. "I've got a new title for a Presidential Daily Briefing: 'Monica Gabrielle Determined to Strike America.' How's that taste, bitch?"

Administration supporters insisted Rumsfeld was right to link Iraq and September 11, and hold the rally. "We are at war," said Representative Pete King, (Republican, New York). "It's essential that we support our troops." He also said attacking Iraq was necessary after September 11. "You do not defeat al-Qaeda until you stabilise the Middle East, and that's not possible as long as Saddam Hussein is in power."

Further inspection led this reporter to conclude that he was not actually speaking to Peter King, but rather an animatronic likeness that periodically bleated out random, meaningless catchphrases.
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More on ze rally from Steve Gilliard (who's upset for some reason), Susie at Suburban Guerilla (with a commenter who e-mailed Clint Black's management), Attaturk at Rising Hegemon, and James Wolcott (who sees Rumsfeld as some sort of demented Colonel Parker).

Posted by Norbizness at August 10, 2005 01:24 PM