Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Good Thing I Injected Some Anti-Truth Serum In My Ass

You may say to yourself... this is not my beautiful McClellan!

[Friday random musical coolness audit exercise below] Here's yesterday's White House press briefing, remixed a little bit. Be sure to check for the answers given by Mr. McClellan that were not altered by your humble author; there were some truly bizarre moments...

MR. McCLELLAN: Good afternoon, everybody. Start beating me to shit.

Q When you talk about the President having a sharper focus on Iraq, at the same time that a lot of public opinion polls are showing greater concern among citizens and worries about what's happening there, and some lawmakers calling for a more specific exit strategy, when you say, sharper focus, what specifically should we expect to hear from you?

MR. McCLELLAN: Sure. By focus, we mean (various hand signals beginning at his eyes and extending outward) WHOOOOSH!! Sharper! Cuts like a knife, but it feels (more hands signals) so (one more hand signal) right! So a lot of that, for beginners.

When it comes to Iraq, the President looks forward next week to meeting with Prime Minister Jaafari. We'll be working with the Presidential Prayer team to set up a zone of defiance around the whole of Iraq. Studies show this idea can work if the insurgents and terrorists coincidentally happen to lose interest in blowing shit up and move to the French Riviera to catch some sun.

And we are also coming up on some important milestones and events in Iraq. June 28th is going to mark the one-year anniversary of the transfer of sovereignty to the Iraqi people. Because nothing says sovereignty like 150,000 foreign troops in your country that you can't control, utilies and food supplies gone to shit, rampant poverty, and the ever-present threat of death.

Now please refer to your tired-ass, long-since-believable talking points index cards. Please use... let's see... numbers 3, 5, 11, and 14.

Q In completing the mission, would the President give any further definition as to what that would look like in a measurable way that people could anticipate what the progress would be? Absent a timetable, is there some other way that he would further define that?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, there's always the number of Iraqi troops trained. We have some, I think, some 160,000 that are now trained and equipped. Plus or minus 150,000.

Q Scott, when you talk about narrowing the focus to the war on terror and economic security, that encompasses terrorism on a global scale, encompasses Iraq, as you said; and the economic security side you're talking about energy, gas prices, retirement security, health care security. How is that narrowing the focus, and how is it any different from what you've been doing for the past four months?

MR. McCLELLAN: Actually I said that he's going to be spending a lot of time of that focus on Iraq, because Iraq is the central front in the war on terrorism. And it's what I spelled out to you all earlier today when we visited, and I laid out some of the schedule coming up, and how he would be talking and focusing on Iraq and the situation there. (not altered)

Q He's been doing that for the last four months.

MR. McCLELLAN: Look, if you're just going to be petulant, then I'm just going to rearrange my previous blather in an even less pleasing form.

[More press gaggle high comedy below the fold...]

Q Scott, is the insurgency in Iraq in its last throes?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, they're.. er.. desperate? Yes, desperate. That wasn't a question, it was a statement. They are the indiscriminate leaf blowers threatening the tender dandelion of democracy. My wife gave me that one. OK, use your platitudinal index cards... numbers 8 and 21.

Q But the insurgency is in its last throes?

MR. McCLELLAN: The Vice President talked about that the other day. He said that traitorous scum that ask such questions love the insurgency and wish they could make out with the insurgency on Kissyface Hill.

Q But they're killing more Americans, they're killing more Iraqis. That's the last throes?

MR. McCLELLAN: Maybe. Is a throe part of the metric system?

Q Right. What is the evidence that the insurgency is in its last throes?

MR. McCLELLAN: Aaaahhhhhhhhh.....

Q What's the evidence on the ground that it's being extinguished?

MR. McCLELLAN: Eeeerrrrrrr....

Q Well, I'm just wondering what the metric is for measuring the defeat of the insurgency.

MR. McCLELLAN: Gaaahhhhhhhhh......

Q Yes. Is there any idea how long a last throe lasts for?

MR. McCLELLAN: (face contorts into a grimace) Why you little....! I'll give you 'throes'! (starts choking reporter, reporter's head expands and contracts comically)

Q Members of Congress have now introduced a resolution calling for a withdrawal by a date certain. What's your formal reaction --

MR. McCLELLAN: The one I give in a top hat and tales (silence). Dammit, Ringo, where's my rim shot?

Q Scott, can I follow up on that?

MR. McCLELLAN: I don't know... can you? God, am I ever loopy right now.

Q Would you say, Scott, that the Iranian election that takes place tomorrow -- which does have at least some multiple candidates -- it clearly is not a form of Jeffersonian democracy -- but would you say that it is a more advanced democratic step than, say, an ally like Saudi Arabia has conducted in the past year?

MR. McCLELLAN: I would say what we've said on Iran, and you know what we've said on Saudi Arabia, too. (not altered)

Q My point here is --

MR. McCLELLAN: Point? POINT?!? You're here to ask questions, not make points! (Blows on tin whistle). Secret Service! We've got a point-maker in the third row! Get him OUT of here!

Q Scott, on terrorism, back on the terrorism. Last week and this week, the President made great statements on defeating the terrorism around the globe. But this week, or today, according to press reports in Pakistan, a commander of Taliban said that Osama bin Laden was well and healthy and he's still our commander-in-chief and he's guiding us, and also Omar Mullah. So where do we stand now? Why --

MR. McCLELLAN: And your question was?

Q The question is, why can't we get these people when they're coming and making statements that Osama bin Laden is alive?

MR. McCLELLAN: Goddamn, that was stupid and pointless. I think that even the readers of Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness would back me up on that.

Q Scott, on another topic, has the President or anyone else from the administration responded to the letter sent last month by Congressman John Conyers and signed by dozens of members of the House of Representatives, regarding the Downing Street memo? Has the President or anyone else responded?

MR. McCLELLAN: Not that I'm aware of. Oh wait, Andrew Card vomited in disgust.

Q Why not?

MR. McCLELLAN: Why not? Because I think that this is an individual who voted against the war in the first place and is simply trying to rehash old debates that have already been addressed. And our focus is not on the past. (not altered) I couldn't very well even get out of bed in the morning if I thought about the monumental lies and shams perpetrated by this Administration in the past. (altered).

[a few cut out]

Q Thank you. Scott, Senator Durbin compares the treatment of detainees at Guantanamo with the way Nazis abused prisoners during World War II. How is the President reacting to these accusations?

MR. McCLELLAN: (secretly mouths "Thank you, Sarah") I think that the thirdhand, condensed reports that were summarized to me by a media flack were reprehensible. As we've told you time and time again, saying such things is a million billion times worse than actually chaining people, naked, in prone positions for 24-48 hours. We know that these people at Guantanamo, sold into bondage and screwed over by the Northern Alliance, are one hundred percent guilty. So what good would a trial do? We're saving money, people (rubs index and middle fingers and thumb in the "money sign").

Q Scott, on John Conyers, John Conyers is walking here with that letter again, as you have acknowledged from Elaine's comment. But 88 leaders on Capitol Hill signed that letter. Now, I understand what you're saying about him, but what about the other 88 who signed this letter, wanting information, answers to these five questions?

MR. McCLELLAN: How did they vote on the war -- the decision to go to war in Iraq? [not altered]

Q Oh, they appear to have voted against it. Jeez, was I a fool for ever asking such a question! I mean, I hadn't evolved, mentally, to the point where I realized that only people who had supported the drive to war could come back two or three years later to question it! Because if it's one thing the Administration wholeheartedly accepts, it's criticism from their former supporters. Am I right, people? I mean, I'm not CRAZY, am I? Thanks, Scott. Thanks for dropping the scales from my ideas. Hallelujah!

MR. McCLELLAN (thinking to self): Hmmmm.... I wonder if he was being sarcastic?

Posted by Norbizness at June 17, 2005 07:35 AM