June 02, 2005
I Disappoint Myself With My Forgetfulness
I kind of forgot about this, so I'm just ganking last year's conceit (when my traffic was one-third what it is today, thanks to random Google image searches)...
Yes, it's this weblog's first second birthday, when taking into account the old site. Thought I would entice your credulous eyes with a little something called official recognition; a proclamation from the august People's Republic of Austin City Council:
"WHEREAS, prior to its arrival, the blogosphere was a vast, barren wasteland filled with inexplicably popular fucktards whose average post is eight words long, photo-shopped pictures of Michael Jackson, the word 'asshat' in every other sentence, and site after site that failed to recognize the sublime genius of Lorenzo Lamas; and
WHEREAS, captioning thumbnailed Yahoo! news photos is the highest art form known to man, apart from Tuvan throat-singing if done by Steve Perry;
WHEREAS, the term "doughy pantload" has metatasized into the most used term among 19-year-old Slovakian hipsters in their fancy jalopies with their fast jazz music; and
WHEREAS, white, unmarried men who spend too much time on the computer are an endangered species on the Interweb, and he's about as white and unmarried as they come:
BE IT RESOLVED by those assembled that May 28th June 2nd will hereafter be known as Hurtful Unshaven Gibbon Municipal Roundtable Day. [ed: I think they got their information from NTodd] The proprietor of this completely dispensable website shall be awarded a 50 cents off coupon for a large Thundercloud Sub and a temporary restraining order preventing him from stalking Naomi Watts after her tearful breakup with Heath Ledger. Katie Holmes, not with romantic intent, but rather to warn her that Tom Cruise is loonier than a loon refuge during loon season.
Now it's your turn. Add a WHEREAS, tell me what an integral role this weblog provides in your everyday life, give a shout-out to HFPST on your exponentially more popular site, offer some constructive criticism that I can delete with extreme prejudice, whatever floats your boat. Go nuts. The floor is yours. Please, make me look like I command some sort of following a big man for that one guy down the street who doesn't believe that more than 2 people would read something I write, I beg of you.
Historical documents: first post ever, first substantive post on the new domain, first use of the word pantload, and birthday whereasses from last year.
WHEREAS, I now have a warbling version of "Oh Sherry" stuck in my head; and
WHEREAS I am a relative newcomer to the HFPST:
BE IT RESOLVED that it's the best - er, only - Austin blog I read.
Happy Birthday! Being a long time reader and fellow freedom hater who never posts, I finally take this opportunity to kiss your ass and say well done. One if my favorite blogs.
Posted by: swans at June 1, 2005 07:50 PMWHEREAS I am chronically sleep-deprived and
WHEREAS you have copious anounts of weed and
WHEREAS has anyone actually ever seen bandwidth? I
HEREBY declare my intention to suck up to
HERETOFORE obscure but on the verge of getting invited to blog conferences HFPST
HERETOFORE, let it be known,and
DECLARED, folded, and spun.
WHEREAS i am a lazy ass college student from bupkissville(nee Athens,Ohio)
WHEREAS i pretend to do my work all day
HEREBY proclaim that this blog sucks up a decent amount of time
BE IT RESOLVED that HFPST that i havent been reading for too long gives me a break from pontification long enough to read other blowhards 'express' themselves
WHEREAS the utterances of our nation's president, who cycles twice per week between the poles of Stupidity and Evil, are completely obnoxious and depressing, and therefore can only be improved by a stout and unfriendly mocking:
WHEREAS the vast national financial resource that is the Sunday paper coupon section remains largely untapped by Americans ignorant of the cornucopia of savings awaiting them at Dollar Stores in strip malls only minutes away via public transport:
WHEREAS it is largely impossible to find Blogospheric postings that draw their titles largely from Simpsons quotes, unless you actually look for them:
BE IT THEREFORE RESOLVED that this blog has leapt for, flopped over and cleared the Bar of Non-suckiness, and with inches to spare I might add, although most of its competition has knocked said bar loose and injured themselves in the process, as stupid and unfunny people are wont to do.
Happy birthday HFPST. Only 16 more years until you can die for your country!
Happy birthday, HFPST. I read you at least twice a day, and you've inspired me to get back in touch with my childhood love of blowing stuff up in the back yard and appraising women's breasts as they pass me on the street. Many happy returns.
WHEREAS it is annoying for proclamations to repeate the word "whereas";
WHEREAS it is the purpose of my reading HFPST to turn annoyance into mirth;
BE IT RESOLVED THAT I should really know whether that use of "be" is imperative, subjunctive, or whatnot.
Oh, right, thanks, Norb.
Posted by: FlipYrWhig at June 2, 2005 01:22 AMWell I like it, that's all I've got to say.
Posted by: house monkey at June 2, 2005 07:16 AMwhereas there are not enough Kraftwerk (you can still make chicago, only what, a 22 hour drive?) and criterion lovin' sites (i'm waiting for the compare and contrast on the 2 "Killers"), and
whereas "pantload" has miraculously not yet worn out its usefulness, this day is hereby declared as Hippy Fatty Pimply Stogie Tip, no wait, i got it here somewhere...
Posted by: paperpusher at June 2, 2005 08:06 AMDammit, I was going to make that joke about the plethora of "Whereases" in resolutions but FlipYrWhig beat me to it. So now I got nothing. Happy blog birthday, Norbizness!
Posted by: Charles Kuffner at June 2, 2005 08:15 AMINSOFAR AS Norbizness makes me giggle
happy blogiversary.
WHEREAS, were it not for HFPST, the day would be marginally more boring; and
WHEREAS the heretofore unrecognized effort to scan Sunday coupon sections and make with the funny on them is a vast one, and largely a waste of time more valuably spent; and
WHEREAS the weekly image captionings are perhaps the highlight of a depressingly uneventful week;
BE IT RESOLVED that this CWB (Commenter-without-blog) extends momentous and heart-felt thanks to Norbizness, on this, his site's kinda 2nd blogiversary.
You're an ass, Norb. But damn if we don't love ya for it!
Posted by: jpb at June 2, 2005 09:06 AMWHEREAS reading this and World O' Crap makes me feel like a really well informed big shot cock-waving hip-thrusting cowboy-fucker
and WHEREAS the nicknames "Senator Jim 'Who Shit In My Pants and Then Put The Pants On Me?' Bunning" and "Oily Fuckwad" Delay were always funnier than Doughy Pantload to those of us in the know
BE IT RESOLVED that housewife is still not a job and that's why you don't get paid for it.
Here's to another 700 or so posts until we're all just sick to death of it and collectively stick our heads in an oven with a sign taped to our backs that reads, "No funeral".
Posted by: drew at June 2, 2005 09:16 AMHappy Blogday. I'll send you some coupons to celebrate.
Posted by: NTodd Pritsky at June 2, 2005 09:35 AMWHEREAS HFPST is the best blog to find all the information about Austin that a simple bearded mountaineer could never care about and;
WHEREAS there is an autographed photo of the greatest actor of our lifetime (one Reginald VelJohnson) and;
WHEREAS there's a good blogroll so I can find other good blogs;
BE IT THEREFORE RESOLVED that HFPST is one of the most America-hating product THE LEFT (aka Norbizness) has ever produced and is therefore a daily must-read.
or something like that. I don't do good with this legal-speak. You crack me up The Left. How's that?
Posted by: Yosef at June 2, 2005 09:39 AMWHEREAS Norbizness has seen fit to give my blog a link on his blogroll, and
WHEREAS said link currently accounts for six percent of my traffic, and
WHEREAS it don't matter if yo' pants are shiny, if yo' dick is big or yo' dick is tiny,
BE IT RESOLVED that mad birthday props are officially proffered to HFPST.
Posted by: spencer at June 2, 2005 09:54 AMmr. dexter of dexter's lab located in the municipality of the state of colorado offers an AMENDMENT to the RESOLUTION now under debate;
"that, as rodney dangerfield suggests in caddyshack, in celebration of and due entirely to the magnificence and generous nature of the blogger norbizness, who BLOGS at the site known as HAPPY FURRY PUPPY STORY TIME WITH NORBIZNESS, on this date, his second ANNIVERSARY 'hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!'"
be it entered into the record on JUNE THE SIXTH IN THE YEAR OF OUR SKY FAIRY TWO THOUSAND AND FIVE.
Posted by: dexter at June 2, 2005 10:54 AMI am very disappointed to see people dogmatically sticking to the 'Whereas' motif. Are you all sheep?! let's see some Wherefores, and some Whiloms, and even a Hereinafter! Hey, would a Forsooth kill you?
I am very disappointed to see people dogmatically sticking to the 'Whereas' motif.
Damn straight. The Lefty Blogosphere is clearly an echochamber...
Posted by: NTodd Pritsky at June 2, 2005 11:21 AMRock on, Norby. Uh, your cake is in the mail.
THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PAST (tbogg) would like to extend his fondest wishes (which are redeemable for food and prizes at Chuck E Cheese) to THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART (norbiz) on the occasion of his second birthday and SO HEREBY DECLARES that he will name his first Snowflake Baby after THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART.
Now excuse me, I have some ice cube trays to...um...fill.
Posted by: tbogg at June 2, 2005 01:12 PMI am very disappointed to see people dogmatically sticking to the 'Whereas' motif.
Like the strict syllabic structure of haiku, it's all part of the challenge.
Posted by: spencer at June 2, 2005 01:31 PMSemi-Congratulations on a Quasi-Landmark.
You're the Jon Stewart to George Will's Dennis Miller.
Reason 5,893 to celebrate Norbizness'blogbirthday - a unique concept like the blogispheric failure to "recognize the genuis of Lorenzo Lamas."
Congratulations and many happy returns of the day from a regular, though up to now, silent reader.
All the best.
Posted by: The Liberal Avenger at June 2, 2005 04:17 PMHappy Birthday Norb- may you have many more.
Posted by: Lyagushka at June 2, 2005 04:29 PMWHEREAS I can sometimes make neither heads nor tails of Norbizness' posts,
BE IT RESOLVED that June 2 be forever more known as the Day of Il Vino Confuso. (That's by a great Eye-talian composer, at least according to Don G. O'Vannie from the Surplus Music Heritage Club...)
Oh, a propos of nothing, it's also my half-birthday. Do any other adults in the WORLD celebrate half-birthdays?
A very happy second blogiversary, Norbizness!
Whoa, dude...that means your weblog is precisely 4 days older than my weblog. It's like you're my slightly older twin brother.
I think that means that if ever I'm in trouble with the law, you are obligated to front me the bail money. And all the rest of the time, you're supposed to set a good example for me.
Posted by: PZ Myers at June 5, 2005 03:16 PMGiven the opportunity to have Norby all to myself, TCF would WHERE-his-ASS out...
BE IT RESOLVED, not before I serenade him with a medley of tunes from The Firm...
Gather him up by UHAUL, and repatriate him to Madison, Wisconsin...
Pitch an interracial, 'confirmed bachelor', The Odd Couple remake, Rosie O'Donnell would throw money at...
That The Daily Show has already found its Tom DeLay corruption trial correspondent...
That HFPST was one of the first to give due props' to TCFW...
Happy Birthday Bubbala and many more!
Posted by: that colored fella at June 7, 2005 01:38 AM