May 15, 2005

I Think That's Called a 'Queef', Mother

Where the men are men and the collies are nervous!

(post title taken from Mr. Show outtakes: get the DVD, because I never want to see Bob Odenkirk in another Miller Lite commercial!) And now, tales of woe and despair from the Sunday coupon section:

1. Do androids dream of electric sheep? I'm not sure Philip K. Dick ever answered that question, but Ziploc Freezer Bags do dream of being filled with red mystery fruit-like substance and green slime.

2. Call me a naif as it pertains to the human digestive system, but I think that Van Camp's Baked Beans are fundamentally incompatible with uninterrupted family fun at a Six Flags theme park.

3. "Man, this cookout sucks. I can't believe Jim invited my ex-wife! I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and die." "Chill out, Fred. I'm about to Pour On The Fun with Hunt's Ketchup." "OK, I'll swallow my gun later."

4. Our Gourmayo odyssey continues to the Orient, where the mad scientists at French's have combined the spicy taste of wasabi with the flavorful tang of horseradish. Please read the disclaimers involving you and your colon on the back of the E-Z pour upside-down bottle.

5. Ladies, using TRESemme professional affordable salon products is just like having a guy that looks like a strung-out Mickey Rourke crossed with Mallory's boyfriend from Family Ties massage your hair and scalp with his greasy, seldom-washed hands. Which is a good(?) thing.

6. Hey, here's my chance to tell you that I think that George Lucas is a fucking hack; to wit: he makes movies that look like video games, except that video games generally contain better dialogue and more convincing acting. Maybe it has something to do with this ad I'm looking at where Yoda is levitating a cylinder of Lay's Stax potato chips.

7. Although there is no current pictorial representation, trust me: there is a collectible "Aggies Victory Balloon" 2005 Christmas ornament coming out. Nowhere in the ad does it describe what "victory" this is supposed to commemorate for that collection of dimwitted horse-pleasurers in College Station. Go ahead, I'm waiting.

8. Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It's Danbury Mint ceramic zombie Pope vs. Ashton-Drake ceramic zombie pope! Two figurines enter, one figurine leaves!





Posted by Norbizness at May 15, 2005 12:07 AM
Comments

I know those words, but that entire post makes no sense to me. Strangely, I cannot look away, even now.

Posted by: Dave at May 15, 2005 10:49 PM

Eek. Those pope figurines freak me out. I imagine you'd go to bed, then wake up to find that one of them had changed position.

*shudder*

Posted by: Vestal Vespa at May 16, 2005 12:42 PM

...two figurines enter, one figurine leaves


thank you, sir.

treasured little nuggets like this one are the whole reason i waste my time browsing this fetid heap of crapulence you call a blog.

oh, and the aqua teen advisory system that uses meatwad to indicate "severe". that's fucking funny.

"10-6-niner, 10-6-niner, all units be advised we are upgrading from defense condition frylock to meatwad, repeat, meatwad!"

Posted by: capital P at May 16, 2005 04:08 PM