Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

The Monsters of Ax Da President Tour 2005

David O. Selznick presents: The Three Faces Of Utterly Clueless Stupefication

I guess word finally got through the 3,294 layers of Presidential sycophants to indicate that nobody particularly likes this gagortion of an Administration, nor any of its policy initiatives, if the vague, defensive mumbling of complete jackasses could be said to constitute "policy." Apparently, he wanted to touch on gas prices and an actual Social Security initiative, and the thing lasted 28 minutes. Wow. Here's the transcript, with alterations and severe compacting, of course.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BUSH: Good evening. Tonight I will discuss two vital priorities for the American people, and then I'll answer your questions, even the ones from people who don't fellate me.

You want cheap gas. I want it too. Maybe somebody could help a brotha out. There will be no price gouging at gas pumps in America. You're going to take your reaming by the Saudis straight, with no chaser.

So here's my four-point program: (1) conservate (2) innovate (3) hydrogenate and (4) help others conservate. None of this is really in the so-called "energy bill," which is mostly a series of giveaways to bloated multinational oil corporations. Which is a good thing, but there's no time to explain.

Congress also needs to address the challenges facing Social Security. I've traveled the country to talk with selected groups of highly screened but still strangely unenthusiastic American people. They were like dead fish, all pasty and unresponsive. Oh, that reminds me... whatever I say here tonight, do not apply the same reasoning to Medicare. I know fuck-all about Medicare. OK, then.

There are a lot of baby boomers. They will be retiring. Logan's Run is not yet a reality. Therefore, Social Security will go bankrupt 20 years after Japan and China foreclose on the American government with their super-currency.

So here's the scoop: old people, you're fine. If you're under 55, get ready for exciting action and ludicrous, math-defying promises not borne out by the actuarial tables! It's time for (deep breath) voluntary personal retirement accounts! Everyone get that? That's what they're called now and forevermore! Time for some hard, hard questions from the press, but you have to check the extended entry for them!

QUESTION: Mr. President, it seems that the American people disapprove of you and your dumb programs. Why are they so fucked in the head?

BUSH: They just don't like hard work. Thank goodness I had that whirlwind town hall tour to selectively inform out-of-work reactionaries that some serious shit is going down. I've been reassuring them, coddling them, but at the same time putting the fear of Almighty God into them. So now I'm going to roll up my sleeves, take a three week vacation in Crawford, and start bullying members of Congress.

QUESTION: Polls (OFF-MIKE)

BUSH: Polls? You know, if a president tries to govern based on polls, you're kind of like a dog chasing your tail. If I really paid attention to them, I'd never get out of bed in the morning. And I still don't on Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays.

QUESTION: Your top military officer, General Richard Myers, says the Iraqi insurgency is as strong now as it was a year ago. Why is that the case? And why haven't you been more successful in limiting the violence?

BUSH: I think he went on to say we're winning, if I recall. Boy, he really isn't bright. Umm... wait a minute... receiving catch-phrases: tyranny and darkness and torture chambers and mass graves. Ideology of hate. Freedom and hope. (eyes roll back in his head)

QUESTION: Sir, I asked you about what you think of the way faith is being used in our political debates, not just in society generally.

BUSH: Well, I can only speak to myself. And I am mindful that people in political office should say to somebody, You're not equally American if you don't happen to agree with my view of religion. I mean, that's bullshit, of course. Those Shintos and agnostics and Zoroasterians are low, low people.

QUESTION: Can you explain for us how, if the energy bill were passed soon after it were introduced, the energy bill would have an effect on the current record price of oil that we're seeing out there?

BUSH: Not really.

QUESTION: Do I read you correctly that the energy bill would not have had an affect on today's high gasoline and oil prices?

BUSH: Ya got me.

QUESTION: Mr. President, your State Department has reported that terrorist attacks around the world are at an all-time high. If we're winning the war on terrorism, as you say, how do you explain that more people are dying in terrorist attacks on your watch than ever before?

BUSH: It's kind of like that gas prices question. The Lord works in mysterious ways. But we're making progress.

QUESTION: So in the near term you think there will be more attacks and more people dying?

BUSH: What do I care? I don't have to be re-elected again.

QUESTION: Mr. President, it was four years ago when you first met with Russian President Vladimir Putin. You said you looked into his eyes and you saw his soul. What do you think of Putin now that he has expressed a willingness to supply weapons to outlaw regimes, specifically his recent comments that he said he would provide short-range missiles to Syria and nuclear components to Iran?

BUSH: I think the Eagles misled me when they did that wonderful song "Lyin' Eyes." Apparently, somebody can hide their lyin' eyes. Windows to the soul, my ass. Stupid eyes.

[omitted question on John Bolton. Who fucking cares?]

QUESTION: Mr. President, in your answer before about Iraq, you set no benchmarks for us to understand when it is that troops may be able to come back.

BUSH: Why would they, with all the high gas prices and Social Security bankruptcy right around the corner in 37 years? They've got it good in Iraq.

QUESTION: Do you feel that the number of troops that you've kept there is limiting your options elsewhere in the world?

BUSH: What options? I don't want to bomb or invade anyone else. In fact, the Axis of Evil is now an Axis of One. North Korea, Iran... let me say to you directly: I am sorry I ever gave you any shit. Keep on truckin'.

QUESTION: Sir, you've talked all around the country about the poisonous, partisan atmosphere here in Washington.

BUSH: Sweet. You must be the Gannon replacement. Doin' great so far.

QUESTION: I wonder, why do you think that is? And do you personally bear any responsibility in having contributed to this atmosphere?

BUSH: What the fuck?!? Did you just use the word 'responsibility'? Some replacement you are!

QUESTION: Mr. President, you had talked about North Korea, and you mentioned that the six-party talks allow you to bring extra leverage to the table.

BUSH: They call it six-"party" talks, but there was no ice cream, or keg stands by that Chinese leader guy, or those funny little noisemakers. Sigh... they're ever-so-boring.

QUESTION: But do you think they're working, given North Korea's continued threats and the continuing growth of their nuclear stockpile?

BUSH: Yes. It's a real paradox. If they start lobbing ICBMs at Seoul, then we'll know that we've achieved maximal 110% success type status.

QUESTION: Mr. President, under the law, how would you justify the practice of renditioning, where U.S. agents who bust terror suspects abroad, taking them to a third country for interrogation? And would you stand for it if foreign agents did that to an American here?

BUSH: That's a hypothetical. I know what a hypothetical is! Well, we get assurances from other countries that they won't torture people, which is good enough for us, and even if it isn't, they're terrorists anyway, so who cares, not that we would ever do that to terrorists, even though they richly deserve getting tortured by the countries we know are lying to us. Clear enough? Oh yeah: "September 11th."

QUESTION: I'd just like to ask simply, what's your view of the economy right now?

BUSH: It's fucking awesome, but it could even be fucking awesomer for companies if we could make it so that they never get sued, because then they'll pass the savings on to their Board of Directors in the form of caviar enemas and handjobs from famous European models.

QUESTION: Mr. President, you've made No Child Left Behind a big part of your education agenda. The nation's largest teachers union has filed suit against it, saying it's woefully inadequately funded.

BUSH: Yes, I think it's working. And those teachers can go fuck themselves, even though they're a vital link in the stuff that leads to the children not being in a state of having been left behind.

QUESTION: What about the lawsuit?

BUSH: I don't know about the lawsuit. I'm not a lawyer. But I -- you know, I'll ask my lawyers about the lawsuit. (not altered)

[final question about dead-in-the-water Social Security plan that nobody gives a fuck about omitted, and that's it!]

Posted by Norbizness at April 29, 2005 12:30 AM