March 25, 2005
The Passion of The Marshmallow Poultry
[If it was good enough for last Easter, it's good enough for now. I will arise on Sunday as predicted in the Holy Redbook of February 1999, the one with something about pleasing your man and learning how to shit gold or something...]
He is risen, and he's gotten a psychedelic bus! Run for cover!
Five ways in which the two thousand-year battle between marshmallow products and Christianity can be brought to an end. This sort of violence always peaks around the Easter season, and it's best to pre-emptively deploy these suggestions before another round of bloodshed commences.
(1) Resurrection Rolls: Give each child a marshmallow, this represents Jesus... Then wrap up the coated marshmallow tightly in the crescent roll.. This represents the wrapping of Jesus' body after death... Place in a 350 degree oven for 10 - 12 minutes (The oven represents the tomb--pretend like it was three days!)... When the rolls have cooled slightly, the children can open their rolls and discover that Jesus is no longer there, HE IS RISEN! (The marshmallow melts and the crescent roll is puffed up, but empty).
(2) Baby Jesus Haystacks: Melt chocolate chips and peanut butter together for 1 min in microwave, stir and microwave for additional 1 ½ min until melted. Add chow mein noodles and stir with 2 spoons/forks as tossing a salad. Drop onto waxed paper. Add a marshmallow to represent baby Jesus.
(3) Is it any wonder that the Marshmallow Peep Transnational Corporation is headquartered in Bethelem, Pennsylvania?
(4) Perform your own Socratic method Easter skit!
Teacher: Reggie, what do marshmallow chicks have to do with the real meaning of Easter?
Reggie: I’m getting to that part. What do chicks grow into?
Teacher: Chickens.
Reggie: And when somebody is ‘fraid of something, folks say they’re chicken. God didn’t want folks living like a chicken, always afraid of stuff. So Jesus bought our peace just like I bought these chicks at the store.
(5) Learn the secret connection between delayed marshmallow gratification, SAT scores, and living the Christian life.
Enjoy stuffing your face with our soft, chewy Lord and Savior!
Well, I guess this is what happens if you decide that simple transubstantiation is just not enough.
Posted by: Vestal Vespa at March 25, 2005 12:00 PMWow! In the long line of bullshit studies, that last one might be the bullshittiest. Yes, it's obvious scientific proof of the benefits of waiting for stuff (in this case, one extra marshmallow, who cares?) which in turn leads to higher SAT scores which in turn proves that religeon is a good thing which in turn proves that Jesus Christ exists.
But the fact that the person did the experiment at all indicates he has doubts of his faith, and he will burn in hell as a result.
Posted by: drew at March 25, 2005 04:20 PMSo I guess parents out there should do the marshmallow test before deciding to put money aside for little Billy's university fund.
Posted by: salvage at March 25, 2005 04:59 PMMy friend and I had a pretty good time describing Jesus-shaped candies and chocolates that they should be making for Easter. Raspberry-filled chocolate Jesus was my favorite, but the hollow chocolate Jesus-on-cross was also good.
"Moooooom, someone bit the ears off Jesus!"
Posted by: ChrisV82 at March 25, 2005 05:25 PMOne year for Easter a friend and I did a martyrdom of the peeps. My favorite was the St. Lawrence peep - who was killed by being roasted. Mmmm, roasted peeps.
Posted by: calicajun at March 25, 2005 07:49 PMIf I ate ANY of those recipies, it would ONLY be to find out what happened three days later.
ChrisV82, think you'd be interested in this.
Posted by: sixthdoctor at March 25, 2005 08:05 PMWhat? Nobody mentioned the Peep Research Labs? Their risk analysis of smoking and alcohol on Peep health are worth the price of admission all by itself!
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
There was a Bill Hicks bit on this subject, wasn't there? "Why chocolate and bunnies? If we're making this shit up, let's go hog-wild! Why not goldfish leaving Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer? At least a goldfish carrying a Lincoln log across the floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it."
Posted by: Frank Reynolds at March 26, 2005 09:35 AMOne year for Easter a friend and I did a martyrdom of the peeps. My favorite was the St. Lawrence peep - who was killed by being roasted. Mmmm, roasted peeps.
Please tell me you did a St. Delores peep, stabbed by a thousand toothpicks.
Posted by: Vestal Vespa at March 26, 2005 01:41 PMHeh. So if we bite into a bit of bone, can we sue or is this part of the inherent nature of the product? Yuck.
Posted by: sadie at March 26, 2005 03:36 PMhow about joan of fark?