Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Lesson One: Put Some Milk On That Peach Fuzz And Have A Cat Lick It Off

Listen to the cheesedick with the perm-mullet, why dontcha?

In triple-reverse order of importance, which means that the fact that Lesson #5 will get all the comments, full of (a) nostalgia for David Carradine as Frankenstein, the Death Race 2000 anti-hero, (b) half-remembered Sylvester Stallone quotes, and (c) links to full-sized Excel spreadsheets where the DR2K point system is broken down. And thus it was decreed.

(1) Sometimes, you break down and actually put a suspected terrorist on trial, succumbing to all of the mind-numbing pressures that the Constitution, that cruelest of 18th century parchments, puts on you. But an acquittal-- that would sap national resolve. So hide a bunch of evidence, and get caught and upbraided by that jerkoff judge. Lesson Learned: Detain without charges for a couple of years, ignore all federal court orders, and then sheepishly deport him when the country of origin makes a stink. On a Friday afternoon.

(2) You're trying to pass a rule to let industry slide on mercury emissions. Over the findings of a Harvard study that says you underestimated the health benefits of a stricter rule by a factor of 100, you go with the corporate masters and strip the public record of the conflicting report. Unfortunately, the jerkoffs have their own copy and give it to the Washington Post. Lesson learned: As burning and killing are frowned upon, remember that Harvard is full of eggheads that will fuck you over. Never commission a study for them or any other so-called "university" ever again.

(3) You want to present a united "culture of life" front that sets forth the principle that one should "always err on the side of life." Unfortunately, as governor, you've given as much thought to the clemency petitions of possibly innocent and negligently-represented death row prisoners as you did on which American flag lapel-pin you'd wear on any given day. Lesson learned: Always scribble "this is a toughie!" in the margins of those petitions.

(4) You've just passed a school finance bill that barely covers inflation and population growth, fails to comply with state constitutional mandates, dramatically increases the funding discrepancies between property-rich and property-poor districts, and raises taxes on everybody but the top 20%. Lesson learned: More preemptive press releases that use the phrase "class warfare" in 48-pont Monster font in the title.

(5) Resident Evil and Alien vs. Predator director Paul W.S. Anderson has been tagged to helm Death Race 3000, a loose remake of dystopic masterpiece Death Race 2000. Lesson learned: I think the same sliver of the populace that think that Congress' recent actions were both justified and motivated by pure-hearted altruistic compassion are the same people that are clamoring for more movies directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, and we need to identify and Greenlandize these motherfuckers.

Posted by Norbizness at March 24, 2005 12:42 AM