February 06, 2005
Dough-Free Sunday Coupon Digest
"Too many mouths to feed in your growing family?
Long John Silver's has the solution!"
OK, this should drive all of the temporary readers away...
(1) Why does Oral-B continue to flog products I wouldn't want anywhere near my mouth? This time, it's Brush-Ups, a sickly green-colored textured teeth wipe. Of course, if you have this on your finger, you can claim lifelong solidarity with Iraqis who have halitosis.
(2) "Set the Stage for Romance" with Spring Scents from Glade. It's good to know that the anti-romantic effect of years of neglect in my underdecorated scumhole condo in the bad part of town can be counteracted by simply lighting up an Angel Whispers scented candle.
(3) Quaker's Fruit Oatmeal Bites promises the following: "Kids Love 'Em... the great taste of oatmeal with fruit and calcium in every bite!" Mmmmm delicious.
(4) "Your Love Is Worth The Wait," the latest offering from The Hamilton Collection, features two porcelain seven-year-olds, newly married, in flagrante delicto on the ledge of a kissing booth. I think they just got a grant from the federal government's Abstinence Slush Fund.
(5) The "Pure Texas" personalized check from Texas Bank Checks took my suggestion! It's a little fuzzy, but I believe the second one from the bottom has a picture of a needy child with yearning, oversized Bambi eyes being stiff-armed by Roger "The Dodger" Staubach in full uniform, with Bobby Hill eating too much organ meat in the background. Sweet.
(6) "Tackle KFC's Intense Flavor Today!" No.
(6a) "We Think We've Got the Best Protein Bar. You Decide." Nuh-uh.
(6b) "Cutlery Fundraising Is Your Answer!" I'm afraid I have to disagree.
(6c) "Bayer Aspirin can significantly reduce your risk of a heart attack. Talk to your doctor." You just saved me the time! Sorry, medical community, Bayer just took $75 out of your product!
(7) Long John Silver's introduces its "Treasure Chest Family Meal." I may not be a professor of history, but I don't remember Blackbeard burying incapacitating stomach cramps or visits to the intensive care ward in the sand on a deserted Polynesian island. On the plus side, their "Senior Meal Deal" may single-handedly solve any long-term Social Security demographics problems.
(8) Do you know somebody who's really into Dungeons and Dragons and fantasy novels? Do you want to shame them into quitting all that shit by giving them a hideous themed statuette? Try this.
i got this character, a 5th level paladin - jonah bottomfullness, and he's got rad constitution - would totally, like, kick that dragon's molteny butt.
Posted by: dexter at February 6, 2005 03:30 PMI don't remember Blackbeard burying incapacitating stomach cramps or visits to the intensive care ward in the sand on a deserted Polynesian island.
Rum & Coke just squirted out my nose. Every time I eat there, my stomach hurts for two days!
Posted by: kissfan at February 6, 2005 10:13 PMWow, that's tacky even for a dragon statuette.
I add so much to a conversation.
Posted by: Christopher at February 6, 2005 10:58 PMThe dragon statuette won't scare away D & D fans and fantasy novel readers. They hoard those statuettes. I know one who owns a dragon wine goblet.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets intense indigestion from eating at Long John Silver's.
Posted by: Trish Wilson at February 7, 2005 08:27 AMIt's good to know that Glade is aiming for such a specific 'niche' market. "Guys who bring girls home to fuck, but know they'll be gone before they realize the place is actually a shithole and only smells acceptable because of a candle".
Posted by: drew at February 7, 2005 11:03 AM"We Think We've Got the Best Protein Bar. You Decide."
Hmmm. I think I will take them at their word.
"Cutlery Fundraising Is Your Answer!"
. . . to a question I never asked.
If I were in charge at either the ad agencies that produced those bits, I can say that I would eye-gouge any writer who brought me such flaccid headlines in a serious effort to keep his job.
"Cutlery Fundraising Is Your Answer!"
Question: how can I get new knives, without paying and without having them thrown at me? Take it from Jonah Goldberg -- there's an easier way!
Posted by: FlipYrWhig at February 8, 2005 03:50 AM