Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Meet Your New Fire Chief

... and he brings you... FIRE!

In light of the Senate confirmation of a piece of gelatinous, non-responsive excrement who advocated the junking of the Constitution and international law to please his corrupt boss (think Bruce Cutler with bootstraps) as the nation's chief law enforcement officer, I think that the Bush Administration should go further in re-stocking its Cabinet with people who are directly antithetical to the mission of their respective Department. I'm talking cartoonish ironic juxtaposition, like when James Watt was the head of the Department of the Interior in the Reagan Administration ("My responsibility is to follow the Scriptures which call upon us to occupy the land until Jesus returns").

Agriculture: Mike Johanns ----> hordes of locusts.

Interior: Gale Norton ----> James Watt's corpse.

Commerce: Don Evans ----> that homeless guy wanting a buck from you who claims he ran out of gas, but who clearly hasn't owned a car since the late 70s.

Defense: Donald Rumsfeld ----> hey, that's Rumsfeld with a handlebar moustache! (P.S. I can't believe he tried to resign... twice. What heart-rending theater that must have been!)

Labor: Elaine Chao ----> Hedonism-Bot.

Education: Margaret Spellings ----> insofar as her first initiative has been to force PBS to cancel a Vermont/gay-friendly cartoon show, I think we should give her time to grow into the perfect antithesis.

State: Condoleeza Rice ----> an inanimate carbon rod... THAT CAN BE USED TO ENRICH URANIUM AND LEAD TO NEPAL HAVING THE BOMB IN SIX MONTHS.

Energy: Samuel Bodman ----> a perpetual motion science project that was thrown together at the last minute by a fourth-grader.

Transportation: Norman Mineta ----> a near-blind, lame carriage-horse about to be put down by its Amish master.

Health and Human Services: Michael O. Leavitt ----> one Republican in this departmental capacity is just as good as the next. Leave him be.

Homeland Security: Tom Ridge ----> some idiot that invents a useless color-coding system and then trots out years-old intelligence to move the indicator up and down whenever the President is in political trouble. Whoops.

Treasury: John Snow ----> the lady who tried to pass off a million-dollar bill at her local Wal-Mart.

Veterans' Affairs: Jim Nicholson ----> any Republican convention delegate sporting a purple heart band-aid, with the caveat that they wear it during the confirmation hearing and use a recently discharged quadriplegic as a footrest.

Housing/Urban Development: Alphonso Jackson ----> some rich honky from the suburbs.

I am open to further, much improved suggestions for Cabinet replacements, so spew forth in the comments. You could even see your suggestion up in lights! However, I will not budge on Hedonism-Bot. P.S. Line up a primary challenger, and I'll donate significant amounts of money out of my inheritance derived from Grandpa's inflatable doll empire.

Posted by Norbizness at February 4, 2005 12:25 AM