Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Obvious entries from my childhood: the polyandrous Smurfs ever evading that nelly Gargamel, Aphrodite's "missiles" on Tranzor-Z, the inadequately subservient She-Ra, the Care "Bears" obviously doing good deeds just to earn their tickets to Sunday's Beer Bust at The Eagle, the far too sexy Thundercats (ho!), those tranny-enabling Transformers...

...Just to name a few.

Out-

Da Pickler

Hong Kong Phooey "coming out" of the filing cabinet with a new identity is rather obvious. His crime-fighting sidekick was a fat mute male cat, and Phooey could even transform his car into a boat with a quick "Bang of the Gong".

During working hours the dog janitor's name was Penrod "Penry" Pooch.

Watching him in action when I was 7 is the reason I am gay.

Too obvious to mention, maybe, but I always got a kick out of Bugs Bunny cross-dressing. Especially when he's trying to flummox the big furry monster, by turning around and pretending to be a femme hairdresser.

the lack of chemistry between pebbles and bamm-bamm - a strapping, though blank-eyed rocky hudson or quarry o'neal type - was, i thought, rather suspicious, and probably the reason that show never came together came off the way it should.

the short-lived but oft-remembered show should've been beverly hillsrock 90210 or pterydactal family of it's time.

Did you guys get Super Ted? Ok, so it's probably a British early 90's cartoon that no one will recognise, but Super Ted and Spottyman had blatant homoerotic undertones

Jughead didn't like the chicks, obviously gay but he supressed it with his manic eating disorder.

He-Man, total gym queen.

Wendy, Marvin, and that Dog. That had to be about bestiality. Teens, dogs, santorum-ing together. This isnt Catherine The great stuff. It's awful; the kind of crap Pete Townshend kazaas for.

Then there's the Wonder Twins: incest. You think it's and accident that Zan always changed into something ice-y? It's plainly an altoids-icecube-bj thing, an admittedly counterintuitive conculsion to draw, yes, assuming that Zan is the one with a cock. But there it is.

Aquaman, with his marine telepathy, is obviously the template upon which the Simpsons' producers based Troy McClure's ichthyophilia. Consider that Superfriends introduced such depravity in the 70s, but in the Clinton Era of the 90s it became "accepted". Proof of the degradation of our culture!

Batman and Robin are obviously of the Alexander The Great-Bagoas The Eunuch school of gaywaddery.

The Scooby Doo gang never had jobs, drove around in a goddamn hippie van, and were plainly the free-love types. And wasn't Velma a tad dykey? Couldnt you tell that she wanted to stay with Daphne instead of being stuck with pothead Shaggy and the dog?

Should I go on?

Oh, and that Fat Genie on Laff-a-lympics that always said "yapple dapple!". If he wasnt a homo I'll eat my hat. I'm mean, the voice is pure Christopher Lowell -- or maybe Paul Lynnde. And didn't he have a fez? Ah, an islamofascist! Obese, he's obviously based on King Farouk, but with an effeminate, as it were, twist; like Dom Deluise when Burt Reynolds walked into the frame.

YAPPLE DAPPLE!!!

And that damn Speed Buggy. Didnt he have all the bells and whistles? It's like Liberace designed him but at the last minute some bean counter in Detroit made them take off all the chrome. His bug-eyes and huge shit-faced grin just screamed "pot brownies", and I'm reasonably certain he took it up the tailpipe from Blue Falcon and that robotic gay dog because Dobson told me so.

And can't that guy find the hidden symbols in everything! I mean, sure, I used to get baked and deconstruct tampon commercials, but this guy is a regular Roland Barthes.

What exactly was Secret Squirrel's secret? I think Morocco Mole could excavate it, if you know what I mean.

And didn't I once hear Boo Boo say, "But Yogi, I don't want to wear a dress."

I cant believe I forgot the Muppets!

There's Kermit's theme song, "The Rainbow Connection". We all know what that means. And wasn't Beaker's head and body overtly phallic? What about Swedish Chef? That whole "borg, borgy, borg borg" is really just a subliminal suggestion of the slapping sounds of the thighs and buttocks of gay man having sinful gay sex. And just the name gives it away: Sweden - the land of free love, abortions, and suicide. How unchristian! And Animal is a nod to crystal meth users, while the two old grouches in the balcony were obviously modeled on old, curmudgeonly queens like William Burroughs and Gore Vidal.

You can waste time shouting about homoerotic cartoons all you want, but it's really just distracting national attention from the real menace to the well-adjusted sexuality of America's boys and girls. I'm talking about Rankin-Bass specials.

The worst of them is Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. That sausage-fest of stop-motion photography is queerer than a misfit toy. Okay, first of all you got Hermey the Elf. Look at him. Limp wrists, blonde bangs, marches to a beat of a different drummer -- he's practically a model for Carson Kressley. Next up we got Yukon Cornelius, who roams the artic waste and does what? yes, he LICKS his PICK. Finally, we go to the Island of Misfit Toys, and who do we see there? a train with square wheels....a complete douchebag in a box....oh yes, and a little female doll that doesn't have anything apparently wrong with her. Then why, pray tell, is she on the Island of Misfit Toys?

I'll tell you why. Because she's a DYKE.

Let me give you a timeline. Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer comes out: 1964. Summer of Love, complete with filthy hippies: a few years later. Coincidence? tell that to the Baby Jesus. AIDS comes to America: 1980-ish, just in time for the children first exposed to Rudolf to reach adulthood!

It's time for patriotic Americans to wake up and realize the cold, hard truth: Burl Ives makes Junior gay. Our nation cannot permit the presence of a Christmas Special whose overarching theme is that it's okay to be different. With that sort of thing as an example, how can we expect our precious children to mindlessly conform?!

Not a cartoon, but how about H.R. Puff N Stuff? The boy who blew a talking flute? Those gay boots? The LSD-inspired talking trees? Nothing inspired my life of flute blowing and acid dropping so much as this show.

I'm sure the apes genitals are securely planted in the back of the van and they are headed for a bumpy road.

And what of that pink tiger... Tom and Jerry?

thisgirl: I'm a Brit who got Super Ted, but I also think DangerMouse with his sidekick Penfold was also rather suspect in that respect. Perhaps more so than the spy-caper live-action shows it was trying to send up.

james and jesse of pokemon; pixie (a dominatrix!) of monster rancher.

you did know that Smithers is Mrs. White in the Simpsons version of Clue, right?