January 20, 2005
A Filthy Old Orchestra In Hollywood's Stinking, Rotten Guts
Do what now?
With the impending demise/mainstreamification of Roxanne's musical random 10 diversion, it's time to start something new. Therefore, The Left humbly requests that you list all movies you have seen that are in the Internet Movie Database's Bottom 100. You may wish to add as many disclaimers as are necessary, but do not lie and do not fail to be exhaustive. Of course, I would be lying if I said I hadn't seen snippets of at least 30-40 more films, but we're dealing with awful movies in their entirety:
1. Best Defense (#95). HBO movie, sometime in the mid-80s, at a friend's house. Wondered exactly what was up with Eddie Murphy; soon to be confirmed with The Golden Child (not on the list, surprisingly).
2. Mac and Me (#90). Never in actual release, but part of a Mr. Sinus production at the Alamo Drafthouse in downtown Austin, where people made fun of the film in real time. Subtly highlighted why E.T. is an overrated piece of Spielbergian dreck.
3. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (#89): I do believe that I actually caught this in the theatre at age 14. I actually became pro-nuclear weapon as a result of this film, as well as anti-Jon Cryer.
4. Robocop 3 (#78). Probably on some minor league cable movie channel in the mid-90s. So bad Peter Weller wasn't even in it, but it did have Jill Hennessy.
5. Crossroads (#73) Mr. Sinus again. Could not wash the stench out for weeks.
6. Rhinestone (#60). See #1. Appalled at the concept even at age 12.
7. Cool as Ice (#36) Yep yep! If you can't enjoy the absolute living hell out of this movie, you are a joyless person who is in serious need of Re-Neducation.
8. Hercules in New York (#35). Saw it just recently on the Encore! Crap split-off channel that magically appeared on my digital cable package. It's amazing how flawless Arnold's American accent was in the movie, seeing as how he was a Greek God from Austria.
9. Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (#31). Yes, that's really the full loony Scientologist title. It's sad that this is the only John Travolta vehicle in the bottom 100 (what happened to The Experts? Staying Alive? Michael?)
10. Manos: The Hands of Fate (#3). OK, it was just part of the original Mystery Science Theater 3000 show.
It's also interesting to see how certain directors seem to naturally produce unwatchable cinema: for instance, Bob Clark, who directed Rhinestone, went on to do both Baby Geniuses movies. Stewart Raffill, who directed Mac and Me, actually followed this up with the even worse Mannequin 2: On the Move. Willard Huyck (is this a pseudonym?), director of Best Defense, followed up with Howard the Duck, before being drummed out of the industry.
Movie I want to see out of this sorry lot: Mitchell (apparently featured in an MST3K episode I didn't see). Joe Don Baker and Martin Balsam finally unite to form an unstoppable team? Sign me the fuck up!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Bolero
Teen Wolf Too
Tarzan, the Ape Man
The Brain That Wouldn’t Die
An Alan Smithee
Bats
Speed 2
Surf Ninjas
The Avengers
These lists tend to be schizophrenic, in that they are composed of two types of movies - those which are bad in a sublimely entertaining way, and those that are bad in a boring, pedestrian way. The two movies I have seen from this list - "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians," and "Tarzan, the Ape Man" - are thus canonical.
By the way, where's "I Spit On Your Grave?" And what about "Terror of Tiny Town" (my all-time favorite bad movie)?
Posted by: rod at January 20, 2005 01:31 AMI found it quite interesting that although the list contained no movies I've watched all the way through, it had quite a few I started watching and quickly gave up in disgust.
Posted by: Realist at January 20, 2005 06:45 AM"Mitchell!" wakka ja wakka ja wakka...
my 3 - Spice World (Alan Cumming appears in every pre-teen rock movie, thereby redeeming them; seriously, a good rip of the Monkees schtick), Speed 2 (no excuse, just got hooked), and of course, Pokemon - The First Movie (and all successive Pokemons).
Posted by: paperpusher at January 20, 2005 07:50 AMA cursory look at the list indicates I've seen around 60. Modesty forbids me from listing them here.
Posted by: Pete at January 20, 2005 08:26 AMDude, Mitchell is classic MST. It was Joel's last episode.
Posted by: Haggai at January 20, 2005 08:56 AMAs they were my young and naive years, I have seen the Police Academy movies (sans the mission to moscow, I was a teenager at that point and there were no boobs in the PA series anymore). I seem to vagely recollect seeing Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, although it's very possible I flipped channels during a commercial break and saw an infomercial for a food dehydrator I liked (and drooled over the jerky). Also in the cable movie circuit was Iron Eagle 2 and Robocop 3.
I don't like this game as much as the music one. It shows you that you really do waste many hours of your life on utter crap.
My random shuffle plays Gentle Giant!
Posted by: verplanck colvin at January 20, 2005 08:59 AMManos
Eegah
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Robot Monster
Mitchell
Bride of the Monster
The Brain that Wouldn't Die
All of which were MST episodes, I think, though I saw the last four back in the days when that was the only thing on teevee after 1 AM.
Posted by: doghouse riley at January 20, 2005 09:45 AMTo my eternal shame, I have witnessed the following horrors from this list:
28. Leonard Part 6 - for whatever reason, I alwasy get this mixed up in my head with that other Cosby opus, Ghost Dad. It's that good.
31. Battlefield Earth - this was morbid curiosity.
38. Jaws: The Revenge - I actually saw this multiple times. SkyFairy help me.
45. Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
48. Teen Wolf Too - some of Jason Bateman's finest work.
52. Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach - this one should get bonus points for having two colons in the title.
60. Spice World - another one I've witnessed more than once. This one I can blame on my wife, however, as she has an unhealthy obsession with this movie.
62. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation - one of the only ones on this list I actually saw in a theatre. I was actually excited to see this film. For the life of me, I don't remember why. Maybe I was sniffing glue.
72. Double Dragon
77. Jaws 3-D - aw, c'mon! It was 3-D!
79. Robocop 3 - is it really Robocop without Peter Weller?
86. Iron Eagle II - Three words: Louis. Gosset. Jr.
91. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
95. Speed 2: Cruise Control - I thought Jason Patric would lend this movie some legitmacy. What the fuck was I thinking?
Wow. Only 14. I don't feel quite so dirty.
Posted by: jpb at January 20, 2005 10:09 AM
I've seen Manos, but only in it's MST3K incarnation, same for:
Future War,
Space Mutiny,
Eegah,
Girl in Gold Boots,
Hobgoblins,
Werewolf,
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (I wonder if Bill O'Reilly has seen that one?),
Giant Spider Invasion,
Mitchell,
L'Uomo Puma,
and The Brain That Wouldn't Die,
One's I've seen sans bots:
Jaws, The Revenge (I think that's the one where the shark is smart and can open doors and stuff.)
Spice World (it wasn't meant to be good! I found it hilarious!)
MAC and Me- terrible, terrible, I dragged my mom and dad to go see this, and I don't know that they'll ever forgive me.
Man, I miss Joe Bob Briggs.
Posted by: Vestal Vespa at January 20, 2005 10:42 AMI'm going to get most of mine from MST3K too:
Manos - at least had Torgol (sp)
Wild World of Batwoman - unwatchable - worse than Manos
Girl in Gold Boots - not bad really, I learned a lot
Eegah - Watch out for Snakes!
SC Conquers the Martians - gets me psyched for BushCo's plan to conquer Mars
Mitchell!
Brain that Wouldn't Die - Jan in a Pan - what was its other title?
MMPower Rangers - my son was four, we watched it A LOT
Pokemon - (it means "pocket monster" you know.) I've seen that one a hundred times as well. It's cool when Pikachu cries magic healing tears.
Only nine - and watching them on MST3K probably shouldn't count since it makes them fun. Space Travellers and The Girl at the End of Lover's Lane are two of my favorite movies now even without the robots.
Posted by: eRobin at January 20, 2005 10:51 AMha! i've only seen two. (i rule!) however i've seen lots of other movies i thought were really shitty and could qualify. the only two on this list though are MANNEQUIN and RHINESTONE. my disclaimer is that i was under 18 at the time and didn't know any better. (hence the celebrity crush on andrew mccarthy. oy.)
xoxo, jared
Posted by: ms. jared at January 20, 2005 11:10 AMI've seen Manos, Eegah, St. Clause conquers the Martians, Jaws the Revenge, Mitchell, Bride of the Monster, The brain that Wouldn't Die and Stop or my Mom will Shoot-- saw that one in the theatre. Only 8 for me, and all but 2 I saw on MST3K.
And BTW, they're right, you must see Mitchell--go now!--it's a classic. It also starts Yani's old flame, Linda Evans.
Posted by: Sunnie at January 20, 2005 11:27 AMWow, only two: 65 The Brain That Wouldn't Die (can't recall whether it had bots or not); 60 Spice World, escorting a little girl, and we both had a good time.
Posted by: Anton Sherwood at January 20, 2005 11:40 AMI also saw all of the MST3K movies (and own a few), but I also saw "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" on late-night TV when I was a kid.
Posted by: Trish Wilson at January 20, 2005 12:57 PMSpice World? Spice Fucking World?!!! I own that movie on DVD. Future generations will look to this movie in the same way current ones look at Xanadu. This movie is so misunderstood it's not even funny. I can't begin to contain my anglophilic pissed-off-ed-ness!!!
Posted by: drew at January 20, 2005 01:17 PMOooh, Little known 'Mannequin 2: Mannequin on the Move' fact. This was produced by a company whose job is to pre-screen and then cut the balls off of movies. The company, NRG (national research group) took YEARS of data on what made movies work and what didn't and came up with M2:MOTM. A true Hollywood suck-sess story.
BTW, I used to work for this company and got to see Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase outside of a screening wondering if their careers were over after the 'not so pleased' response that Valkenvania (later changed to 'Nothing But Trouble') was receiving.
Posted by: drew at January 20, 2005 01:45 PMMitchell is the bomb. It has caused many a quarrel betwixt myself and my friend Kiki on which is the best MST3K ever. I am still holding firm on "Manos, the Hands of Fate".
Posted by: Amanda at January 20, 2005 02:23 PMI gotta go find the Italian thriller Il silenzio dei prosciutti - The silence of the hams!
Posted by: Yosef at January 20, 2005 02:32 PMi've seen 9; From Justin to Kelly, Glitter, Kazaam, Ringmaster, SpiceWorld, StreetFighter (i was dating a guy at the time who thought he was jean claude...), Crossroads, Children of the Corn II, and Surf Ninjas.
i have an unhealthy obsession with celebrity vanity projects and potential 'crossover' stars. and i only saw 'surf ninjas' because my bf and i were flipping through cable channels and were strangely mesmerized by it.
btw, Glitter was by far the worst of my list. just horrible acting from mariah - what was the studio thinking???
Posted by: kelite at January 20, 2005 02:40 PM"Rhinestone" is the name of that movie!! We couldn't remember it the other night. I can't wait to call my friends I was having that conversation with.
As soon as I remember who it was.
Damn brain cells.
Posted by: Rex at January 20, 2005 05:52 PMmr. magoo - the movie?
Posted by: dexter at January 20, 2005 08:06 PMGlitter
Gigli
Kazaam
Cool as Ice
"Lose the zero and get with the hero."
-- Vanilla Ice
I've seen all the MST movies on there. Of the others, the only one I've seen all the way through is Superman IV, which I actually saw in the theater. And I was 16. Oh, the family wanted to see Honey I Shrunk the Kids, but I wanted Superman. Boy was I stupid.
I've seen pieces of a number of the others on cable over the years, but no more than a couple of minutes here and there.
Posted by: Mac Thomason at January 21, 2005 10:21 AMYep yep! Brilliant line repeated many times in Vanilla Ice's autobiography.
Aside from "Eegah" and "Puma Man" on MST3K, the only one I've seen is "Soul Plane", and that was a situation where I was literally strapped down and could have risked my life if I had tried to stop seeing the movie (while having plasma sucked out of my body in the ghetto for $25). It was pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as Robin Williams's "Jack".
I wouldn't say "Eegah" is that awful. I really felt bad for the caveman guy, and there were only two appearances by Arch Hall and his "combo that really swings". Probably Richard Kiel's best role except for "The Day The Earth Stood Still".
"Puma Man", on the other hand, is completely ridiculous, nonsensical and even sophomoric. By far the most laugh-out-loud unintentionally silly MST3K movie I've seen (it's listed as "L'uomo puma" on that list, for those who's seen the MST3K version).
And my sister loved "You Got Served", and so did all her friends. What's wrong with "You Got Served"? a
Posted by: Cryptic Ned at January 21, 2005 09:04 PMWhy wasn't "Leprechaun in the 'Hood" in that Bottom 100? It deserved to be there, especially for the scene where the dude pulls a baseball bat out of his afro.
Posted by: Trish Wilson at January 22, 2005 07:47 AM